An Ed, Edd, 'n' Eddy fanfic by Andy Anime
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes folks, it's here at last, the gosh-darned grand finale to my first ever fanfic on Thanks for all your patience, your comments and reviews, and your readership. Now, on with the show...
Before long, Edd was quivering in front of Rolf's doorstep, while his friends hid in the bushes. Edd had insisted on this, realizing that Rolf would be suspicious if all three Eds showed up on his doorstep unannounced, but he was beginning to regret that decision. Still, hand quivering, he reached out and grabbed the knocker, letting it strike once, then again.
The door opened, and Edd was greeted with the familiar sight of Rolf. His visage promptly soured when he saw Edd, though. "Oh, hello, Smarty-Pants Ed-boy," he said with barely concealed distaste. "What brings you to the home of Rolf?"
"Well," began Edd, not quite sure how to put it. "You see, Rolf, I..."
Rolf put his hand up, palm facing Edd's face in the near-universal sign of "Shut up!", and inquired, in a more amiable tone, "Wait, let me guess... perhaps you would like to borrow a cup of sugar in order to make a Anniversary of Birth cake for your mother?"
"Um, actually..." Edd tried to reply, but Rolf interrupted again.
"Or maybe you and your know-nothing associates wish to procure the services of one of Rolf's animals for your questionable activities?" snapped Rolf, anger rising in his voice.
"Oh, not at all!" Edd said nervously. "Actually, I..."
"Or perhaps," growled Rolf, his voice slowly climbing to a bellow that knocked Edd off balance, "you have come to apologize for GIVING ROLF THE SCREAMING YELLOW ZONKERS with the false curse of the tapioca!"
As Edd staggered to his feet with a confused mumble of "Buh?", Rolf continued, "Do you realize Rolf has wasted half the afternoon safeguarding his livestock from the curse before recalling it is the square button that provokes the wrath of the pudding?! Your plot was as flawed as the smell of Nana's footwear is pungent!"
"Um, I do apologize for our earlier gaffe, Rolf..." said Edd, "But I must confess my original business here was personal. I require your assistance in, um, how shall I put this..."
Crossing his arms, Rolf stared Edd down. "Yes? Go on, Ed-boy..." he said sourly, "This had better be good, or Rolf shall eject you from his doorstep with the wrath of a hundred flea-ridden weasels!"
The baleful gaze Rolf gave him was more than Edd could stand. Knees buckling, Edd automatically assumed the grovelling position, wrapping his arms around Rolf's legs and blurting "My fortunes have taken a turn for the worse that defies description! A series of attempts at verifying the efficacy of superstitions has gone horribly wrong, and the previous attempts of me and my comrades in rectifying this dilemma have proved futile! Your expertise in absurd and archaic superstition is all that stands between myself and a lifetime of bad luck! For the love of humanity, Rolf, you HAVE to help me!!"
As Edd squeezed, Rolf suddenly lost his balance, pitching forward, and taking Edd with him as he rolled across the front yard and crashed into the mail-box, Edd taking the brunt of the impact as he slammed up against the post the box was mounted on. Rolf quickly recovered from the incident, and after working his way around Edd's expansive vocabulary, he said "So, you require Rolf's assistance in un-missing your misfortune, yes?"
Edd nodded weakly, and Rolf slipped out of Edd's iron grip on his ankles. "You certainly appear to be in possesion of more than one left foot, Ed-boy, more so than usual. And for a city slicker like yourself to seek the help of Rolf so obsequeously, you must truly be up a tree without a paddle to stand on! If it will silence your melodrama, I shall comply." Picking Edd up by the scruff of his neck, he carried him into the house. As soon as the door slammed shut, Ed and Eddy emerged from the bushes.
Obviously disappointed, Eddy whined "Aw, man! We didn't even get a chance to slip in! C'mon, Lumpy, I wouldn't miss this for the world!"
As Eddy creeped around the back, Ed lumbered along behind, replying "You'd have to be a pretty lousy shot to miss the whole world, Eddy!"
"Shut up, Ed."
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Rolf deposited Edd in a chair, the plastic covering crackling loudly, and instructed him, "Wait here, Ed-boy of the Two-Dees, and touch nothing! Rolf must prepare!" He left Edd waiting in nervous anticipation, twiddling his thumbs and idly staring at the knick-knacks on Rolf's fireplace mantle, wondering what sort of preparations Rolf was making...
As he was trying to read the inscription on the base of a ceramic trout, he heard a mixture of footsteps and jingling, and turned to see Rolf enter the room. He had removed his shirt, and wore on his head one of the most preposterous head-dresses Edd had ever seen. The sharp-nosed mask made Rolf look like a hideously mutated hybrid of a crane and an owl, a mess of what appeared to be rainbow-colored porcupine quills stuck out from the top like a forest, and down Rolf's neck and back ran a sickly green cape that appeared to be made out of fish scales. Around his neck he wore an unsightly gold medallion inscribed with some unintelligible, vaguely Slavic phrase, and decorated with a picture of an eel wrapped around a larch tree. Edd was so taken aback by Rolf's sudden (and preposterous) appearance, that he fell over backwards in his chair and found himself flat against the wall.
"Prepare yourself, Worm of the Book Ed-boy!" bellowed Rolf in a solemn tone. "The time of reckoning approaches with the speed of a frightened sheep! Follow me, if you would..." Turning about sharply, Rolf lead the slightly bewildered Edd out the back door. Much to Edd's surprise, a winding pathway had been laid out, indicated by a chalk border, that lead to Rolf's shed. Stepping gingerly along it, he proceeded to trip over every rock along the path, in addition to the wandering Victor and Wilfred, as he followed Rolf, eventually staggering to a landing at Rolf's feet. Weakly, he asked "Pardon my lack of understanding, Rolf, but might I inquire as to whether that exercise had any practical point?"
Rolf nodded solemnly, stating "You have been tried and found wanting in the luck department, Petitioner of the Spirits! Truly you are in need of aid." Placing a necklace made from dental floss, bay leaves, and sheep knuckles around Edd's neck, Rolf beckoned him into the shed. "Come, let us begin the next step of your journey out of the Land of Jinx!"
Edd got to his feet, and followed Rolf into the shed, which was lit with candles. Meanwhile, Ed and Eddy watched, through a pair of binoculars, from the roof of Rolf's domicile. "Man," chortled Eddy, barely containing himself, "did you see Rolf's get-up? What a screwball! He looks like he lost a fight with a costume shop!"
"Aw, c'mon, Eddy!" replied Ed, head shaking at his friend's lack of trivial knowledge. "Don't you know a replica of the Watsituya Chief's costume from I Was A Teenage Shaman when you see one? You are so clueless..."
Eddy grimaced at his friend's barb, and lamely retorted "Takes one to know one, Lumpy..." He went back to peering through his side of the binoculars, to get a better look at the proceedings.
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In no time at all, Edd found himself seated yet again, this time in a chair made from an old pickle barrel decorated with ominous-looking runes. He cringed as Rolf let out an animalistic howl, and began doing some sort of bizzare ritualistic dance, accompanied by indecipherable shouting and chanting in a guttural, primeval tongue that sounded like it was barely a step up from the first spoken language used by man in the days of prehistory. Edd wavered uncertainly, in rhythm to the crude melody Rolf was drumming out with his stomping feet and the loudly-colored gourd rattles he was shaking. It was almost hypnotic, and he felt himself going into a trance... shortly before Rolf let off with a shout that sounded something ike "Hwayarghphf!", only more painful, slammed a rusty, upside-down bucket onto Edd's head like a hat, and pulled him to his feet.
"Together now, Ed-boy!" shouted Rolf, and he began leading the hapless Edd in a reiteration of the odd song-and-dance ritual. Edd did his best to follow the steps, but succeeded only in allowing Rolf to step on his toes repeatedly. As the second session of dance steps ceased, Edd yelped as Rolf lifted him into the air with his bare hands.
"Servants of Fortune!" Rolf said in a solemn tone, holding Edd lengthwise in the air, as if he were some ancient weapon and Rolf was a warrior petitioning the gods of war for victory in battle, "Hear my plea! Curb your fury upon this simple know-it-all, and cease in bringing misfortune upon his ever-hatted head! Hyah!" With that cry, Edd found himself plunged headfirst into a nearby vat of pickled herring. Surfacing with a gurgle, Edd sputtered for air as Rolf hefted the barrel and carted it outside. After getting the brim of his hat out of his eyes, Edd spotted his two compatriots spying on the proceedings from the roof of Rolf home. "Ed? Eddy?"
Rolf looked up, and, much to the surprise of all three Eds, grinned. "Ah, for once your meticulous timing works to the advantage of all, remaining two-thirds of the Ed boys! Rolf requires your assistance in de-cursing your Doubting Olaf friend here!"
"Er, right," said Eddy as he nervously lowered himself to the ground, Ed descending from the roof by falling off head first. "Whatever you say, Stretch!"
"What's the plan of attack, General?" asked Ed, giving a salute.
Rolf simply gestured to follow him, as he loaded the barrel full of herring and Edd onto a cart. Before Ed and Eddy could react, Rolf tackled them, and somewhat forcibly yoked them to the cart. "Uh, Rolf, this horse collar's a bit snug..." said Ed. "You got one in a size eleventeen?"
Eddy was somewhat louder in his protests, as always. "What's the deal here, Rolf?" he griped, struggling with his collar. "Do I look like a Clydesdale to you?"
"No time to protest, Frog-mouth Ed-boy!" said Rolf, as he doffed his mask and cape and mounted the cart. "To the creek at once! Come on now!" Snapping a whip for emphasis, Rolf managed to get both Eds up and running, towing the cart into the street and down the lane. Well, to be more accurate, Ed did most of the running, while Eddy struggled to keep up with Ed and out from under the cart wheels.
"The creek?" said Edd, nervously. "I'm afraid to ask..."
"No back-barrel drivers, Ed-boy!" snapped Rolf. "It is no hair off Rolf's back if you wish to be a jinx for all time!"
Being so abruptly reminded of what little choice he had, Edd promptly quieted down, and hoped Rolf knew what he was doing.
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The Ed-drawn cart lumbered down the lane, quickly picking up speed thanks to the efforts of Ed. It was all Eddy could do to keep up as Rolf sharply drove them into the alley, and eventually into the woods.
"Faster, Ed-boys!" barked Rolf, snapping his whip. Ed obediently picked up the pace, muttering under his breath "Mush, mush, mush...", and Eddy found himself quickly pulled under the cart and dragged along behind, screaming like a maniac. Edd clung nervously to the sides of the barrel, which wobbled precariously as the cart thundered along, threatening to fall off at every jolt.
"Um, Rolf..." he ventured to ask, but before he could speak any further, the creek came into view, and Rolf yanked back on the reins. Ed immediately ground to a halt, Eddy being caught between the cart and Ed as they both stopped, and intertia pitching Edd and his barrel of pickled herring into the creek.
Quicker than a caffeinated grasshopper, Rolf sprang from the back of the cart, and lifted up the sputtering Edd as he rose from the creek, only to dunk him a few more times. Pulling Edd's foot to his ear, Rolf listened intently, then smiled cheerfully. "The curse is broken, Ed-boys! Your oddly-capped compatriot is back to a semblance of normal!" With that, Rolf tossed Edd, where he flopped like a beached fish before coming to his senses.
"I'm... cured?" stammered Edd. "Oh, thank you Rolf!" Edd grabbed Rolf in a big hug, causing some visible discomfort to the son of a shepherd.
Watching the unexpected display of affection from Edd, Eddy quipped "Geez, Ed that's something I'd expect from you."
"Nah, we've done that joke before, Eddy," said Ed, before moving to pull Edd off Rolf. "Well, I hope your learned your lesson, Mr. Are-My-Pants-Ever-Smart!" said Ed in a chiding tone.
Embarassed, Edd nodded, "I certainly have, Ed. And in light of these events, I'd like to offer a long-overdue apology to Eddy for the whole 'cursed phone' incident a while back..."
It's about time, thought Eddy. You'd think a stampede of hippos in the middle of suburbia would convince him there was something up with Rolf's old phone! Pushing these thoughts aside, Eddy gave Edd a shove and said "Yeah, enough warm fuzzies and happy thoughts, I think we still got time for one more scam before supper! Let's go, Double-Dee!" Dashing off, Eddy failed to notice a root sticking out, which caught his foot and sent him tumbling.
"I gotcha, Eddy!" yelled Ed, as he rushed to the rescue of his friend, only to trip over the same rock. The two eventually collided, becoming entangled as they crashed into a tree, which dislodged a wasp's nest hidden in the branches, which promptly fell and landed on Ed and Eddy, who began scrambling around yelling their heads off as they tried to evade the stinging wasps and untangle themselves.
Noticing Edd's quizzical stare, Rolf explained "I apologize for not warning earlier, Twin-Dee Ed-boy, but there may be some residual bad-luck for your friends following the exorcism. It should pass in a day or so... now excuse me, Rolf must attend to his turnips." Strolling off casually to finish his chores, Rolf left Edd to watch his friends take a tumble into the creek in their efforts to escape the hornets. The right thing to do would be to help his friends in their time of need. But seeing as it had been a long day, and the whole fiasco had been their fault in the first place, he decided to let them sort things out. Speaking of chores, he probably had a few sticky notes waiting for him at home, and it would be a welcome alternative to Eddy's hair-brained schemes... knock on wood, Edd thought whimsically.
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(Yes! It's over, it's finally over. You can all go home now. You might see some more fic from me in the (hopefully) near future, if I can motivate myself to do it in a reasonable amount of time. Thanks again for the comments and the patience!)