7/4/04
LOVE'S LOST CHILDREN
Chapter 4
The reconstituted protein concoction oozed unappetizingly around Lee's plate like watery tapioca pudding as he pushed it with his spoon. With a slight shudder, he gave up, dropped the utensil onto the plate and pushed it away. Picking up his mug of "bug juice", the crew's nickname for the vile powdered fruit drink mix they were served in the mornings, as coffee was now a distant memory, he drained it. The drink mixes came in a variety of artificial fruit flavors, all in correspondingly unappealing fluorescent colors, and this morning it was orange.
You know things are bad when you find yourself looking back fondly on memories of past military meals, he thought glumly. We always used to complain about the food, but now what would I give for just one of those greasy cheeseburgers.
"You know, glaring at it, isn't going to make it taste any better," a voice said, very close by.
Lee looked up just as Kara slipped into the chair across the table from him and deposited her own tray of protein hash. She glanced down critically at his barely touched plate of rations.
"You've barely eaten all week, Lee, what's going on?" she asked.
"Nothing."
"Yeah, right, and in the meantime, there are children starving on the civilian ships and here you are wasting perfectly good food!" she said dramatically.
"No one's starving on the civilian ships!"
"Okay, fine! That guilt trip line always worked for my mother on me."
"Do you remember your mother much?" Lee asked hesitantly.
"Yeah, a little. I was about six or seven when she took off, so yeah, I have some memories of her."
"Do you resent her for leaving you behind?" Lee and Kara had known each other since secondary school, but they had never really discussed her absent mother, perhaps because they had always been too busy dealing with her all-too present father.
"For a long time, I did, yeah. But now that I'm older, I realize that she probably didn't have much choice. She was very young, a lot younger than my dad. I doubt she had too many job skills, I don't think she even had a complete secondary education. So, how was she supposed to support herself, let alone, me? And at that time, Dad had never hit me, just her. Maybe she assumed he never would. He didn't start coming after me until after she left. And even then, nothing he ever did to me was as bad as what he used to do to her."
"Really?" Lee asked incredulous, remembering vividly some of the nasty bruises he had seen Kara sport from time to time.
"Oh, yeah..." she said seriously. "No, I don't blame her anymore. She was just doing what she had to do to survive. I like to tell myself that maybe she planned on coming back for me later, and for one reason or another, just never got the chance. Sometimes, you gotta deal with your own shit before you can be of any use to anyone else. I can understand that... It was a bad situation all around. I don't think there was any right or wrong answer. She did what was best for her. I guess, I can't really blame her for that... Anyway, enough about that, we were supposed to be talking about what's bothering you."
"Nothing's bothering me."
"Fine, whatever, don't tell me, but you are not leaving this table until you eat some of your rations."
"Oh really? And just how to you plan on making me?" he asked, folding his arms across his chest, sincerely curious.
"I don't plan on making you. I plan on bribing you."
"With what?"
"This..." she said, reaching into her mug, which he assumed had just held more bug juice, and pulling out... a strawberry. It was not a particularly large piece of fruit, but it was perfectly shaped and perfectly ripe, perfectly... perfect. "Now, as I recall, strawberries are your favorite..." she added, waving the berry enticingly under his nose.
"Where did you get that?" he asked, his eyes following its movement.
"From the hydroponics lab. I know someone who works in there. And this little guy is part of our very first harvest."
After they had discovered hydroponics equipment on board one of the civilian ships, the techs in the Galactica's machine shop had worked quickly to duplicate the equipment out of various spare parts. Now, several of the ships, including the Galactica, had their own hydroponics labs as well. While these ships did not have actual grow lights, many of them were equipped with ultraviolet enhanced sun lamps, which were used by the crews to help combat seasonal affective disorder, due to lack of natural sunlight during extended periods in deep space.
The Galactica's lab had only been up for a few months and Lee hadn't realized that any of the produce grown there was ready for harvest yet. Obviously, he had been wrong. He reached out to take the berry from Kara, but she quickly pulled it back.
"Not until you eat some protein," she said firmly.
He glared at her, annoyed. He greatly disliked being treated like a difficult child, even if he was acting like one. Still determined not to give in to her, he said, "Well, if the harvest is ready, they'll starting making it available to everyone soon enough."
"True," she agreed casually. "They're probably going to have them as part of dinner later today. But why wait if you don't have to? Don't you want to have the very first one? It is, after all, the best one. They didn't all look this good. I can't guarantee what you'll end up with tonight."
"You know, I could just take it from you."
"You really think you could?"
"You know I could," he said, leaning forward menacingly.
"Mmm, probably," she conceded, "but this little guy might get bruised in the process, possibly even squished. Do you really want to risk it?"
With a sigh, Lee pulled the plate back to him and took a spoonful of the protein mash. Putting it in his mouth, he found that it had cooled considerably. When it was hot, it was at least somewhat palatable, but cold, it was disgusting. He forced himself to swallow it with some difficulty. Afterwards, he pushed the plate away again.
"No, I can't eat anymore," he gasped. "It's cold now."
"Well, whose fault is that?" Kara asked, but she took pity on him and handed over the prize.
"Thank you," he said grudgingly.
"You're welcome," she said, reaching back into her mug and taking out another berry.
"Wait a minute; you had another one in there?"
"Well, yeah, you didn't think I just got one for you, did you? I mean, you may be my best friend, but please..."
He chuckled at that and they lightly touched their strawberries together, as though clinking imaginary glasses, and popped them into their mouths. Lee chewed slowly, savoring the sweet flavor.
"So, now are you going to tell me what's been bothering you?" Kara asked after a few minutes. "You've been moping around all week as if your dog just died. What's up?"
For a moment, he seriously considered telling her everything, about his feelings for Laura, their unexpected night together, and her subsequent withdrawal from him. But he knew he couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to Laura. This was her secret too and she obviously didn't want it known.
"Don't worry about it, Kara," he said at last. "It's nothing. I'll get over it."
"Okay, I tried. If you change your mind, just let me know. You know where to find me."
"Yeah, thanks."
After Kara had finished her breakfast, she and Lee left the officers' mess, heading back towards the pilots' quarters. As they walked, they encountered Pres. Roslin. The older woman slowed as the two pilots approached and smiled at them.
"Good morning, Lieutenant... Captain," Laura said cheerfully.
"Good morning, Madam President," Kara said, returning the smile. Although she hadn't gotten a chance to get to know the older woman much, Kara had a lot of respect for the soft-spoken, but obviously capable, politician.
"Madam President," Lee said coolly, with a slight nod.
Kara Thrace was a fairly perceptive person, so she could hardly have missed the sudden tension between Lee and the president. Nor did she miss the almost pained expression that briefly passed across Roslin's face before she excused herself and continued on her way.
"What was that all about?" Kara asked, when the other woman was out of earshot.
"What are you talking about?" Lee asked, trying, and failing, to look innocent.
"You just completely gave her the cold shoulder. So, tell me, what did the president do to piss you off?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"The hell you don't!" Kara said. "Trust me, I've been on the receiving end of that cold shoulder enough times whenever I've pissed you off, that I'm pretty familiar with what it looks, and feels, like. The other day, you were all excited to see her, so that you could tell her your news. Today, you've barely got the time of day for her. What gives? Did she shoot your idea down?"
"It's nothing, Kara. Just drop it."
"Does this have something to do with why you've been moping around all week?"
"I have not been moping."
"Fine, have it your way," Kara said, throwing her hands up and walking away.
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Laura's thoughts were also still dwelling on Lee's cool greeting as she walked into the Life Station for her daily chemo session. It was not the first time they had had to deal with each other since that painful Morning After conversation. After all, it was a relatively small ship. They couldn't hope to avoid each other for long. They had also had to work together to get things moving on their plan for The Amazon and during all those meetings, Lee had been excruciatingly courteous and efficient, and as chilly as a Libron winter.
She had hoped that their little talk would have convinced him that her actions were not meant as a personal slight to him, but it appeared that he was taking it as such. She truly had not initially realized just how deep a blow she had delivered to his surprisingly vulnerable pride. She had also hoped their conversation would have eased her guilty conscience, but so far it hadn't. She felt worse than ever.
She was so accustomed to the routine of her chemo sessions by now, that she just headed back to the private room, which she beginning to think of as 'her' room. Walking in, she found Cassie already waiting for her. The young woman turned to her as she entered and gave her a tight smile.
"Good morning, Cassie," Laura said cautiously, suspicious of that unenthusiastic smile. Cassie was usually very warm in her greetings to the president.
"Good morning, Madam President. Uh, before we get started today, Dr. Soter wants to speak to you in his office."
"It's bad news, isn't it?"
"I'll let Dr. Soter tell you," Cassie said evasively, not meeting Laura's eyes.
Lovely, Laura thought, feeling cold dread seeping into her stomach, as if she had just drunk a glass of very cold milk. This day was already off to a wonderful start. Bracing herself, she headed back toward the doctor's office.
Moments later, she found herself sitting in the small cluttered office of Dr. Galen Soter, facing the young man in question, who was seated at his desk, running a hand through his prematurely thinning brown hair. The uncomfortable looks he kept casting her way, confirmed her guess that the news he was about to give her, wasn't going to be good.
"I just got the results from your latest batch of tests..." he said slowly. "The cancer is beginning to spread. The chemotherapy doesn't seem to be working as effectively as I'd hoped... As I've already explained to you, we don't have a lot of options open to us. At this point, our best bet is to deal with this now, before it can spread to the lymph nodes... I want to schedule you for a total mastectomy as soon as possible."
Laura took a deep breath... There it was, the word she had been dreading to hear. She felt as though something deep inside her was shrinking in horror, curling into a tight, little ball, trying to protect itself. Wasn't it bad enough that the Lords had taken away her ability to have children? Were they now going to rob her of the last vestiges of her sex as well?
The calm, rational part of her mind that had allowed her to keep functioning despite watching her world crumble around her, knew she was overreacting. Her mammary glands were not what defined her as a woman. And since she couldn't bear children, it wasn't as if she even really needed them. Hell, if she was being completely honest with herself, it wasn't like she really had all that much to lose, but...
She had spent so much of her adult life feeling sexually inadequate because of her barrenness. And yet, despite all of that, Lee Adama had desired her and he had still wanted her the next morning. It was a heady feeling and she couldn't help wondering if he would continue to desire her after the operation, when she was scarred and incomplete. Or would he turn away in disgust? She tried to tell herself that that didn't matter. She had ended the relationship with him. She shouldn't be making decisions based on his possible reaction, when more than likely, he would never even know. And yet, she couldn't get the image of his look of revulsion out of her mind.
"Madam President, did you hear me?" Dr. Soter asked, breaking into her thoughts.
"Hmm? What? I'm sorry, no, I didn't hear you."
"I asked when would be a good time to schedule the surgery. You'll need a few days, at least, for recovery and-."
"No," Laura interrupted firmly. "There won't be any surgery."
"What? Madam Pres- Laura, you do understand that if you don't have this surgery, the cancer will continue to spread and you will die."
"So, can you guarantee me, that if I do have this surgery, the cancer will be gone and I will be completely cured?"
"Well, no, I can't guarantee that we'll be able to get it all or that it won't come back, but I can tell you that this is your best chance at survival."
"That's your opinion, Doctor. I don't happen to agree with it. I will be discontinuing my chemotherapy as well. Please, tell Cassie, that I'm sorry, but I won't be enjoying her company this morning after all," Laura said, getting to her feet.
"What? Laura, this is insane! This is tantamount to suicide! You can't do this!"
"Watch me. I'm sorry, Doctor, you and your staff have done the best you could and I am grateful, but if I'm going to die then I'm going to do it on my terms, not yours. Now, please don't take this personally, but get bent!"
As Laura left Dr. Soter's office, she felt an odd sense of elation. She was taking charge of her life, her disease, and very possibly, her death. It felt strangely empowering. No one else would be deciding for her what would happen to her body. This was her decision and hers alone and she was prepared to deal with the consequences.
Stepping into the main area of the Life Station, she found the place buzzing with activity. Med. Techs were rushing around with armloads of supplies. Seeing Cassie directing this activity, she went to the younger woman's side.
"What's going on? Has something happened?"
"We just got notified that there was an accident with one of the Vipers down on the port side hangar deck. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but evidently the pilot and several members of the deck crew were badly burned. We're trying to get the trauma rooms ready to receive them now."
"Do you know who the pilot was?" Laura asked, suddenly feeling her heart rate quicken.
"No, I'm afraid not," Cassie answered briskly. "Look, I'm sorry, Ma'am, but I really need to get back to my duties."
"Of course, I'm sorry, go."
Trying to keep a grip on her rising panic, Laura told herself that once again, she was overreacting. There were many pilots on board the ship. The injured pilot could be any one of them. The odds were very slim that it was... She found that she couldn't even continue with that thought. She had to find out for sure. She knew that she wouldn't be able to relax until she knew for sure that he was not in danger. And she was not going to stand around here waiting for the answer to come to her.
The hallways of the Galactica were often so congested that it was difficult to get around, especially during shift changes. So, why was it that when she really wanted to see an officer, any officer, whom she could ask what was going on, the hallways were deserted? Deciding she would have to get the answers for herself, she started off, heading toward the port side hangar, as quickly as her skirt and heels would allow.
Arriving at her destination, she found several people milling around in the corridor, including Billy. Moving to her aide's side, she asked if he knew what had happened.
"I'm not really sure," he answered. "I came down here to make sure that your shuttle would be ready for this afternoon and while I was talking to the deck boss, I heard shouting. We both turned to see that one of the Vipers was on fire. That's when everything got confusing. The alarms started going off, there were people rushing around, and then someone was telling me that I had to leave the deck. That was about an hour ago."
"The pilot was still inside the Viper when it caught on fire?" Laura asked, feeling slightly sick.
"Yeah, but I couldn't see who it was. I'm not even sure if it was a man or a woman. Whoever it was must have been pretty badly hurt though, the medical team went in about a half hour ago, but I haven't seen them come back out."
Looking around at the people in the hallway, she caught sight of a familiar face. It was the dark-haired lieutenant that had piloted the Raptor and had found all those lost ships after the Cylon attack. Now if Laura could just remember her name... Val-something... Valerii, that was it.
Approaching the pilot, she asked, "Excuse me, Lt. Valerii, do you have any idea of what's happened?"
"Yes sir, I guess there was a fuel leak in one of the Vipers and it caught fire. They've got the fire put out, but the port side hangar is going to be closed off for a while, until the crews can get it cleaned up and figure out what went wrong."
"But there were injuries, weren't there?"
"Yes, the pilot has some pretty nasty burns on the face and hands and, I think, one or two of the deck crew also received burns while trying to suppress the fire."
"Do you know who the pilot was?"
"Uh, no, I'm sorry, sir. There was too much going on for me to really see the pilot before I was ordered off the deck. There was a lot of shouting, but... I thought I heard Capt. Adama's name called once or twice."
The young woman looked pale and concerned. Feeling numb herself, Laura gave the other woman's shoulder a quick reassuring squeeze before she turned to find someone who could give her the answers she so desperately needed. Moving to enter the hangar deck, she found two security officers barring the doorway. The two men stepped up to her as she approached.
"I'm sorry, Ma'am, this area is temporarily off limits," one of them told her. "You can't go in there."
"The hell I can't! I'm the president. Now get out of my way!"
After a moment's consideration, the two men reluctantly stood down and allowed her to pass. Entering the large space, she was immediately assaulted by the sharp, acrid smell of over-heated metal and melted plastic. Much of the area was still coated with a layer of the foam substance that had been used to smother the flames. The crews were still moving about cautiously, making sure the fire was completely doused and there was no chance of it possibly re-igniting.
Looking around, Laura saw no sign of the medical team. Had they already taken the wounded pilot to the Life Station? Just as her panic was beginning to gain the upper hand, she abruptly let out a tremendous sigh of relief as her eyes fell on Lee Adama, standing beside Chief Tyrol. Both young men had their backs to her and were inspecting the blackened, burnt out shell of a Viper.
Lee was alive, he was unhurt, and judging by the incomplete state of his uniform, he hadn't even been on duty, let alone, in the Viper. As relief flooded her body, she felt herself beginning to shake. She felt tears welling up in her eyes and was only just managing to keep herself from falling apart completely. Sensing movement beside her, she glanced over to see Commander Adama move to join his son and Tyrol. The man hadn't even glanced in her direction.
"Ma'am, you really shouldn't be here. It's not safe right now."
Laura turned to see a young woman, barely more than a girl, really, with a dark ponytail and dressed in the fire retardant suits of the ground crew, looking at her anxiously. The girl's pale face was smudged with soot, making her appear even younger, a child playing dress-up in the grown-up world.
"Are you alright, Ma'am?" the girl asked, slightly concerned.
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you," Laura managed to whisper. "I-I just wanted to see how bad the damage was. I'll leave now."
Later, she was never really sure how she managed to get out of the hangar without completely embarrassing herself. She could feel that she was on the very edge of hysteria. She was a woman who throughout her lifetime had prided herself on her discipline and tightly controlled emotions. But right now, she could feel all of that control rapidly unraveling. She walked blindly through the halls, not even sure where she was headed, because on some vague, sub-conscious level she was aware that she was not headed in the direction of her quarters.
As though her feet had minds of their own, she soon found herself standing outside the pilots' quarters. She pushed the hatch open and immediately went to the door to Lee's room. Without a single coherent thought, she opened the door and let herself in, closing it again behind her. The room was empty, of course. Lee was still down on the hangar deck. So, what solace she expected to find here, she wasn't sure. She only knew that this was where she had needed to be.
Stepping further into the room, she moved to stand beside the bed. Looking down at it, she suddenly felt foolish. What am I doing here? she asked herself in exasperation. Wrapping her arms around herself, she turned to leave, but her eyes fell on the desk and the sad, little unicorn sitting guard beside the computer. Picking up the worn toy, she felt the last vestiges of her control crumble away.
Hugging the stuffed animal to her chest, she collapsed onto the bed and began to cry. These were not the gentle, lady-like tears of a woman who has just had a slight scare, but the soul-wrenching sobs of a woman who has, and still is, looking the great, black void of death, squarely in the face. Whether she was crying for the lost Colonies, her own impending mortality, or pure relief that Lee Adama was safe, she didn't really know. Most likely, it was a combination of them all.
She didn't know how long she had lain there, crying. It could have been minutes or it could have been hours. It was as if something inside of her had broken and she couldn't seem to stop the tears now that they had started. So intent was she, on her own misery, that she didn't hear it when Lee entered the room. She wasn't even aware of his presence beside the bed until he softly called to her.
"Laura?"
Sniffling, she slowly lifted her head to look at him. She had no idea what to expect from him, but the look he gave her held only concern. It was more than she could bear and she broke down again, sobbing uncontrollably. Without another word, he sat down beside her and pulled her into his arms. She was only vaguely aware of his hand rubbing her back or the meaningless words of comfort he was murmuring to her as she cried against his shoulder. The faint smell of smoke that clung to his hair and clothes only served as a reminder of what she could have lost today.
Eventually, she must have exhausted herself and fallen asleep. When she came awake again some time late, she found herself lying half-across Lee's stomach. He was now lounging back against the wall at the head of the bed, his feet extended out in front of him. Cautiously moving her head to look up at him, she found calm, blue eyes watching her. She felt herself flush slightly.
"I-I'm so sorry," she said, struggling to sit up, while still maintaining her dignity.
She was incredibly stiff and sore, as if she had been working out. As she finally managed to get to an upright position, she realized that she was still clutching the little unicorn tightly in her hand. She was very much aware that she probably looked terrible. She was not one of those women who could go off on a crying binge and still somehow manage to look good. Of course, hers had been more than just a binge, more like a purge. She knew that her eyes would be swollen and red, her skin blotchy. She rubbed a hand over her now-dry face and felt the beginnings of a splitting headache starting at the very front of her forehead. Lords, what must he think of her?
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked softly.
"I don't really know what happened. I heard something about an accident on the hangar deck. I went to find out more information. I spoke to Lt. Valerii and she said that one of the Vipers had caught fire. She said she had heard someone say your name and I thought... It was stupid of me, really. I had no reason to jump to that conclusion, but... I don't know what's the matter with me. I just can't seem to control my emotions these days. I was doing so well for so long, but... I am so sorry, for the way that I have behaved towards you. I had no right to try and start something that I knew I couldn't finish, and I shouldn't have simply walked away without an explanation."
He said nothing, but he did reach out to gently rub her arm soothingly. Feeling herself strengthened by his touch, she made up her mind.
"There's something I have to tell you," she said and, taking a deep breath, she began, "I have cancer..." She told him everything, her doubtful prognosis, her chemotherapy experience, her conversation with Migs, and her refusal to have the mastectomy. He sat silent and expressionless throughout this monologue and when she had finished, she said, "Please, say something."
He was silent for a moment longer, before finally saying, "Why didn't you tell me all this sooner?"
"I should have, you're right," she agreed, "but I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to be pitied and I didn't want it to affect my job. But I should have told you as soon as I started to feel... I'm sorry."
"Okay," he said, starting to reach out to touch her face. She caught his hand before he could and placed it back in his lap.
"This conversation doesn't change anything, Lee," she said. "I'm still dying and I'm still not going to let you put your life on hold while you wait around for that to happen."
"So, you've already decided all of this, have you?" he asked testily. "You've already committed yourself to the ultimate outcome and, evidently, you've already made up my mind for me, as well. Don't I get to have a say in this, myself?"
She sighed heavily. "You don't know what you're getting into. You're too young. You still think you're immortal..."
"No, I don't! Not anymore. I've watched too many good pilots die to ever make that mistake again. You thought that it might be me in that Viper that caught fire today, well it very well could have been and next time, it could be me. No, Laura, I know that I'm not immortal, in fact, I'm perfectly well aware, that my life expectancy might just be shorter than yours."
She had nothing to say to that. What could she, really? But she wasn't quite ready to give in to him. "At least, if you die in your Viper, it will most likely be quick and efficient. Tell me honestly, are you prepared to watch me die slowly?"
"... I don't know," he said truthfully. "But shouldn't I, at least, be allowed the choice?"
Realizing that this conversation was not going the way that she had expected it to, Laura stood and began pacing. Still clutching the little unicorn, she began unconsciously squeezing it as she moved around the small room.
"There's still the matter of children," she said abruptly, stopping to face him.
"What ? Children?" Lee asked, slightly startled. "They're hardly an issue at this point."
"That's just it, they should be an issue! In order for us humans to survive, we need to be having babies. Our able-bodied, young people, such as you, should be actively seeking out partners so that they can begin repopulating our species. How does it look, when the president, who has been openly advocating this policy and is incapable of acting upon it herself, takes one of the prime specimens out of the gene pool?" she asked, gesturing at him.
"Prime specimen?" Lee repeated, trying not to laugh at the sudden absurd turn in the conversation. "My, such flattery will go straight to my head. I don't think I've ever been complimented quite so... clinically before."
"You know what I mean!" she said, irritated at his ill-timed attempt at levity. She knew that she was being ridiculous, but she didn't really care and she didn't need him pointing it out.
"No, actually, I don't know what you mean. Look, there aren't going to be any children in my future any time soon."
"But there should be. You should be looking for a girl your own age that you can have children with."
"Laura, I can't, alright! I can't father any children... at least, not for another three or four years."
"What?"
He took a deep breath and asked, "Do you know what RISUG is?"
"No, never heard of it."
"It stands for Reversible Inhibition of Sperm Under Guidance... It's male birth control and one injection is good for about ten years. I got the injection when I was 21. I figured that by the time I was 31, I would be at a point in my career that I might be ready to start thinking about a family. Until then, I didn't want to have to worry about it and I didn't want to have to rely on my partners being on birth control."
"Well, this can be reversed, can't it?" Laura asked. "I mean, 21 is incredibly young to be making that kind of a decision. What if you'd changed your mind, five years after getting the injection?"
"Yes, there is another injection that can neutralize the first one, but I seriously doubt the Galactica's Life Station pharmacy stocks it. They stock the birth control, but the Fleet previously wasn't in the habit of encouraging it's warriors to procreate while in space. And that's fine with me, because I'm not in any hurry to become a father."
Once again, Laura had nothing to say to this. He had just effectively shot down her arguments for why they couldn't be together. He hadn't looked at her with pity when she had told him about the cancer or the mastectomy. He had appeared concerned and supportive. This was not the reaction she had imagined she would receive and she wasn't sure how to deal with this. She wasn't sure how to deal with any of this. Her emotions were still quite raw from all the abuse they had taken today. She needed some time to sort all this out, to decide how she really felt. And she couldn't do that with him sitting so close. He was too much of a distraction. She could feel the headache beginning to gain strength.
"I-I can't deal with this right now," she said, rubbing her forehead. "I need to think. I need..."
"Laura..." Lee started, swinging his legs off the bed to go to her.
"No!" she said quickly, stopping him. "I need to be alone. Please..."
She left the room hastily, before she could change her mind, unconsciously still clutching the little unicorn. When she returned to her room, she found Naomi waiting for her inside. The priest, who had been sitting on the bed, stood as Laura entered, concern showing plainly on her face.
"Laura, where have you been?" Naomi demanded. "Dr. Soter told me about your conversation. I've been looking for you all afternoon. Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine. I've been talking to a... friend."
"Mr. Congeniality?" Naomi asked, with a sly smile. Her sharp eyes had taken note of the stuffed animal in Laura's hand, but she made no comment on it.
"Yes," Laura said, flushing slightly.
"So, you told him about the cancer?"
"Yes."
"And what did he have to say about your decision not to have the operation?"
"Well, we didn't really talk about that."
"I see... Laura, are you sure about this? I understand that you're scared, but Dr. Soter says that this is your best chance at survival."
"I know, he told me that too, but I just can't go through with it. He can't guarantee that I'll survive even if I have the surgery. If I'm going to die anyway, I'd rather do it fully intact... I don't know, maybe I am just in denial, but I've made my decision. I intend to stick with it."
"Alright," Naomi said softly. "So, what are you and Mr. Congeniality going to do?"
"Oh, I don't know," Laura said heavily, rubbing her aching forehead and sitting down on the bed. Despite her little nap earlier, she was still exhausted. "That's all messed up and it's mostly my fault."
"What happened?" the priest asked, sitting down beside the other woman.
"We slept together and probably too soon. It was all my instigation... I don't know what's the matter with me. I can't seem to control my emotions these days. It's like, all of a sudden, whatever I'm feeling, I have to act on it. I felt drawn to Lee, so I slept with him. I don't regret it, but I never would have slept with someone so quickly before. Why did I do so now?"
"Laura, you're going through some pretty heavy emotional stuff. It's to be expected that your emotions are going to be a bit erratic right now. Give yourself a break. Maybe some good, old-fashioned sexual healing was exactly what you needed."
"Yeah, except afterward I panicked and I left him, still sleeping. And the next day, I told him that it couldn't happen again. I hurt him, badly... Lords, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt Lee."
There it was again. No, Naomi hadn't missed the name the first time Laura had said it. The priest had let it slide, thinking that perhaps it had slipped out accidentally. But Laura had said it again. Naomi didn't think the woman was careless enough to make the same mistake twice, in such a short period of time. She obviously wanted Naomi to know who her mysterious "friend" was.
"Lee?" Naomi said, smiling slightly. "As in, Mr. Congeniality is... Lee Adama?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm, interesting, previously you said that he was too young for you to confide in him... So, let me get this straight, he was too young to confide in, but not too young to hop into bed with? You slut!" Naomi said, laughing.
"And why is it that I put up with you?" Laura asked, laughing as well. "Oh, Lords, what am I going to do about this mess I've made?"
"Oh, I don't think it's fatal. After all, you spent most of the afternoon with him. I think that's a pretty good indication that he's willing to forgive you... But you should sleep on it. You look like hell."
"Oh, thank you, very much," Laura said dryly.
"Anytime," Naomi said, smiling. Leaning forward, she gave the other woman a fierce hug. "You get some sleep. We'll talk more tomorrow."
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Despite the large shot of Migs' mysterious tonic she had taken before lying down, Laura still awoke several hours later. Rolling over, she glanced at the clock on her bedside table. It read 2300 hours. She didn't even stop to marvel at the fact that she now automatically translated the illuminated digital display into military time. It had now become second nature to her. It was interesting the ways that living on a military vessel changed one's perspective on even the little things.
She wasn't sure what had woken her up. She didn't think it had been a dream, but she awoke with a strange feeling of emptiness. Her small room suddenly seemed like a huge, black void. She fancied that she could almost hear the darkness breathing, crouched expectantly, and just waiting to swallow her up. Sitting up, she switched on the bedside lamp. As she did, her eyes fell on the little unicorn, leaning back against it. She hadn't remembered taking it with her from Lee's room. She had simply found it still in her hands when she lay down to sleep after Naomi had left.
She felt bad for taking it, even inadvertently. Becca had not entrusted it to her. She had wanted Lee to have it. Laura felt a sudden need to return the toy to the captain. Or was this just an excuse to go and see him? More than likely it was just an excuse, she realized, but she would take what she could get. She did want to see him, to talk to him. But then again, it was fairly late. Perhaps he was asleep already.
After a moment of silent debate, she made up her mind. Climbing out of bed, she quickly dressed in her comfy clothes and went to track down Capt. Apollo. Stepping cautiously through the main door to the pilots' quarters, she paused to make sure that no one was around. She wasn't ready to be seen knocking on Lee's door late at night just yet. The door to the barracks was closed and the short hallway outside it was deserted. She knocked lightly on Lee's door. When there was no answer for several minutes, she began to suspect that he was, in fact, asleep.
She was about to return to her room, when the hatch swung open. It was obvious that she had woken him up. He looked sleep-ruffled and was wearing a pair of loose, flannel pants and one of the black undershirts. He blinked at her in confusion for a minute.
"Is something wrong?" he asked. "Are you alright?"
"No," she answered, suddenly feeling foolish. "I... just wanted to return this." She held the stuffed toy out to him.
"It couldn't wait until morning?" he asked, smiling, as he took it from her.
"No, it couldn't... Look, I don't know what I can offer you. I... don't know how long I'll be around, but I do know that I want to be with you... For however long I can be. I can't guarantee that I won't freak out and run away again, but I promise that if I do get that urge, I'll wake you up and tell you first."
"I'll right," Lee said. "I want to be with you too, but I don't know how well I'll be able to handle it... if things get rough. I've never dealt with anything like this."
"Fair enough," Laura said. "We deal with this as it comes. We're both free to back out at any time, if things get to be too much to handle. But we talk to each other and we're honest. Neither of us leaves the other one hanging... Agreed?" She extended her hand out to him, as though they were sealing some kind of an informal treaty.
"Agreed," he said, shaking her hand. Still holding that hand, he turned and led her into his room, closing the door behind them.
THE END
Author's note: The RISUG male birth control that I mentioned is an actual product. I did not make it up or anything I wrote about it. It is supposedly good for ten years. The product was developed by Sujoy Guha, a professor of biomedical engineering at the Indian Institute of Technology in Delhi. It's still in the testing phase and is not yet available on the market. If anyone wants any more information about this, to use it in one of their stories, just let me know, I can give you more information. Or you can look it up yourself at
LOVE'S LOST CHILDREN
Chapter 4
The reconstituted protein concoction oozed unappetizingly around Lee's plate like watery tapioca pudding as he pushed it with his spoon. With a slight shudder, he gave up, dropped the utensil onto the plate and pushed it away. Picking up his mug of "bug juice", the crew's nickname for the vile powdered fruit drink mix they were served in the mornings, as coffee was now a distant memory, he drained it. The drink mixes came in a variety of artificial fruit flavors, all in correspondingly unappealing fluorescent colors, and this morning it was orange.
You know things are bad when you find yourself looking back fondly on memories of past military meals, he thought glumly. We always used to complain about the food, but now what would I give for just one of those greasy cheeseburgers.
"You know, glaring at it, isn't going to make it taste any better," a voice said, very close by.
Lee looked up just as Kara slipped into the chair across the table from him and deposited her own tray of protein hash. She glanced down critically at his barely touched plate of rations.
"You've barely eaten all week, Lee, what's going on?" she asked.
"Nothing."
"Yeah, right, and in the meantime, there are children starving on the civilian ships and here you are wasting perfectly good food!" she said dramatically.
"No one's starving on the civilian ships!"
"Okay, fine! That guilt trip line always worked for my mother on me."
"Do you remember your mother much?" Lee asked hesitantly.
"Yeah, a little. I was about six or seven when she took off, so yeah, I have some memories of her."
"Do you resent her for leaving you behind?" Lee and Kara had known each other since secondary school, but they had never really discussed her absent mother, perhaps because they had always been too busy dealing with her all-too present father.
"For a long time, I did, yeah. But now that I'm older, I realize that she probably didn't have much choice. She was very young, a lot younger than my dad. I doubt she had too many job skills, I don't think she even had a complete secondary education. So, how was she supposed to support herself, let alone, me? And at that time, Dad had never hit me, just her. Maybe she assumed he never would. He didn't start coming after me until after she left. And even then, nothing he ever did to me was as bad as what he used to do to her."
"Really?" Lee asked incredulous, remembering vividly some of the nasty bruises he had seen Kara sport from time to time.
"Oh, yeah..." she said seriously. "No, I don't blame her anymore. She was just doing what she had to do to survive. I like to tell myself that maybe she planned on coming back for me later, and for one reason or another, just never got the chance. Sometimes, you gotta deal with your own shit before you can be of any use to anyone else. I can understand that... It was a bad situation all around. I don't think there was any right or wrong answer. She did what was best for her. I guess, I can't really blame her for that... Anyway, enough about that, we were supposed to be talking about what's bothering you."
"Nothing's bothering me."
"Fine, whatever, don't tell me, but you are not leaving this table until you eat some of your rations."
"Oh really? And just how to you plan on making me?" he asked, folding his arms across his chest, sincerely curious.
"I don't plan on making you. I plan on bribing you."
"With what?"
"This..." she said, reaching into her mug, which he assumed had just held more bug juice, and pulling out... a strawberry. It was not a particularly large piece of fruit, but it was perfectly shaped and perfectly ripe, perfectly... perfect. "Now, as I recall, strawberries are your favorite..." she added, waving the berry enticingly under his nose.
"Where did you get that?" he asked, his eyes following its movement.
"From the hydroponics lab. I know someone who works in there. And this little guy is part of our very first harvest."
After they had discovered hydroponics equipment on board one of the civilian ships, the techs in the Galactica's machine shop had worked quickly to duplicate the equipment out of various spare parts. Now, several of the ships, including the Galactica, had their own hydroponics labs as well. While these ships did not have actual grow lights, many of them were equipped with ultraviolet enhanced sun lamps, which were used by the crews to help combat seasonal affective disorder, due to lack of natural sunlight during extended periods in deep space.
The Galactica's lab had only been up for a few months and Lee hadn't realized that any of the produce grown there was ready for harvest yet. Obviously, he had been wrong. He reached out to take the berry from Kara, but she quickly pulled it back.
"Not until you eat some protein," she said firmly.
He glared at her, annoyed. He greatly disliked being treated like a difficult child, even if he was acting like one. Still determined not to give in to her, he said, "Well, if the harvest is ready, they'll starting making it available to everyone soon enough."
"True," she agreed casually. "They're probably going to have them as part of dinner later today. But why wait if you don't have to? Don't you want to have the very first one? It is, after all, the best one. They didn't all look this good. I can't guarantee what you'll end up with tonight."
"You know, I could just take it from you."
"You really think you could?"
"You know I could," he said, leaning forward menacingly.
"Mmm, probably," she conceded, "but this little guy might get bruised in the process, possibly even squished. Do you really want to risk it?"
With a sigh, Lee pulled the plate back to him and took a spoonful of the protein mash. Putting it in his mouth, he found that it had cooled considerably. When it was hot, it was at least somewhat palatable, but cold, it was disgusting. He forced himself to swallow it with some difficulty. Afterwards, he pushed the plate away again.
"No, I can't eat anymore," he gasped. "It's cold now."
"Well, whose fault is that?" Kara asked, but she took pity on him and handed over the prize.
"Thank you," he said grudgingly.
"You're welcome," she said, reaching back into her mug and taking out another berry.
"Wait a minute; you had another one in there?"
"Well, yeah, you didn't think I just got one for you, did you? I mean, you may be my best friend, but please..."
He chuckled at that and they lightly touched their strawberries together, as though clinking imaginary glasses, and popped them into their mouths. Lee chewed slowly, savoring the sweet flavor.
"So, now are you going to tell me what's been bothering you?" Kara asked after a few minutes. "You've been moping around all week as if your dog just died. What's up?"
For a moment, he seriously considered telling her everything, about his feelings for Laura, their unexpected night together, and her subsequent withdrawal from him. But he knew he couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to Laura. This was her secret too and she obviously didn't want it known.
"Don't worry about it, Kara," he said at last. "It's nothing. I'll get over it."
"Okay, I tried. If you change your mind, just let me know. You know where to find me."
"Yeah, thanks."
After Kara had finished her breakfast, she and Lee left the officers' mess, heading back towards the pilots' quarters. As they walked, they encountered Pres. Roslin. The older woman slowed as the two pilots approached and smiled at them.
"Good morning, Lieutenant... Captain," Laura said cheerfully.
"Good morning, Madam President," Kara said, returning the smile. Although she hadn't gotten a chance to get to know the older woman much, Kara had a lot of respect for the soft-spoken, but obviously capable, politician.
"Madam President," Lee said coolly, with a slight nod.
Kara Thrace was a fairly perceptive person, so she could hardly have missed the sudden tension between Lee and the president. Nor did she miss the almost pained expression that briefly passed across Roslin's face before she excused herself and continued on her way.
"What was that all about?" Kara asked, when the other woman was out of earshot.
"What are you talking about?" Lee asked, trying, and failing, to look innocent.
"You just completely gave her the cold shoulder. So, tell me, what did the president do to piss you off?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"The hell you don't!" Kara said. "Trust me, I've been on the receiving end of that cold shoulder enough times whenever I've pissed you off, that I'm pretty familiar with what it looks, and feels, like. The other day, you were all excited to see her, so that you could tell her your news. Today, you've barely got the time of day for her. What gives? Did she shoot your idea down?"
"It's nothing, Kara. Just drop it."
"Does this have something to do with why you've been moping around all week?"
"I have not been moping."
"Fine, have it your way," Kara said, throwing her hands up and walking away.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Laura's thoughts were also still dwelling on Lee's cool greeting as she walked into the Life Station for her daily chemo session. It was not the first time they had had to deal with each other since that painful Morning After conversation. After all, it was a relatively small ship. They couldn't hope to avoid each other for long. They had also had to work together to get things moving on their plan for The Amazon and during all those meetings, Lee had been excruciatingly courteous and efficient, and as chilly as a Libron winter.
She had hoped that their little talk would have convinced him that her actions were not meant as a personal slight to him, but it appeared that he was taking it as such. She truly had not initially realized just how deep a blow she had delivered to his surprisingly vulnerable pride. She had also hoped their conversation would have eased her guilty conscience, but so far it hadn't. She felt worse than ever.
She was so accustomed to the routine of her chemo sessions by now, that she just headed back to the private room, which she beginning to think of as 'her' room. Walking in, she found Cassie already waiting for her. The young woman turned to her as she entered and gave her a tight smile.
"Good morning, Cassie," Laura said cautiously, suspicious of that unenthusiastic smile. Cassie was usually very warm in her greetings to the president.
"Good morning, Madam President. Uh, before we get started today, Dr. Soter wants to speak to you in his office."
"It's bad news, isn't it?"
"I'll let Dr. Soter tell you," Cassie said evasively, not meeting Laura's eyes.
Lovely, Laura thought, feeling cold dread seeping into her stomach, as if she had just drunk a glass of very cold milk. This day was already off to a wonderful start. Bracing herself, she headed back toward the doctor's office.
Moments later, she found herself sitting in the small cluttered office of Dr. Galen Soter, facing the young man in question, who was seated at his desk, running a hand through his prematurely thinning brown hair. The uncomfortable looks he kept casting her way, confirmed her guess that the news he was about to give her, wasn't going to be good.
"I just got the results from your latest batch of tests..." he said slowly. "The cancer is beginning to spread. The chemotherapy doesn't seem to be working as effectively as I'd hoped... As I've already explained to you, we don't have a lot of options open to us. At this point, our best bet is to deal with this now, before it can spread to the lymph nodes... I want to schedule you for a total mastectomy as soon as possible."
Laura took a deep breath... There it was, the word she had been dreading to hear. She felt as though something deep inside her was shrinking in horror, curling into a tight, little ball, trying to protect itself. Wasn't it bad enough that the Lords had taken away her ability to have children? Were they now going to rob her of the last vestiges of her sex as well?
The calm, rational part of her mind that had allowed her to keep functioning despite watching her world crumble around her, knew she was overreacting. Her mammary glands were not what defined her as a woman. And since she couldn't bear children, it wasn't as if she even really needed them. Hell, if she was being completely honest with herself, it wasn't like she really had all that much to lose, but...
She had spent so much of her adult life feeling sexually inadequate because of her barrenness. And yet, despite all of that, Lee Adama had desired her and he had still wanted her the next morning. It was a heady feeling and she couldn't help wondering if he would continue to desire her after the operation, when she was scarred and incomplete. Or would he turn away in disgust? She tried to tell herself that that didn't matter. She had ended the relationship with him. She shouldn't be making decisions based on his possible reaction, when more than likely, he would never even know. And yet, she couldn't get the image of his look of revulsion out of her mind.
"Madam President, did you hear me?" Dr. Soter asked, breaking into her thoughts.
"Hmm? What? I'm sorry, no, I didn't hear you."
"I asked when would be a good time to schedule the surgery. You'll need a few days, at least, for recovery and-."
"No," Laura interrupted firmly. "There won't be any surgery."
"What? Madam Pres- Laura, you do understand that if you don't have this surgery, the cancer will continue to spread and you will die."
"So, can you guarantee me, that if I do have this surgery, the cancer will be gone and I will be completely cured?"
"Well, no, I can't guarantee that we'll be able to get it all or that it won't come back, but I can tell you that this is your best chance at survival."
"That's your opinion, Doctor. I don't happen to agree with it. I will be discontinuing my chemotherapy as well. Please, tell Cassie, that I'm sorry, but I won't be enjoying her company this morning after all," Laura said, getting to her feet.
"What? Laura, this is insane! This is tantamount to suicide! You can't do this!"
"Watch me. I'm sorry, Doctor, you and your staff have done the best you could and I am grateful, but if I'm going to die then I'm going to do it on my terms, not yours. Now, please don't take this personally, but get bent!"
As Laura left Dr. Soter's office, she felt an odd sense of elation. She was taking charge of her life, her disease, and very possibly, her death. It felt strangely empowering. No one else would be deciding for her what would happen to her body. This was her decision and hers alone and she was prepared to deal with the consequences.
Stepping into the main area of the Life Station, she found the place buzzing with activity. Med. Techs were rushing around with armloads of supplies. Seeing Cassie directing this activity, she went to the younger woman's side.
"What's going on? Has something happened?"
"We just got notified that there was an accident with one of the Vipers down on the port side hangar deck. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but evidently the pilot and several members of the deck crew were badly burned. We're trying to get the trauma rooms ready to receive them now."
"Do you know who the pilot was?" Laura asked, suddenly feeling her heart rate quicken.
"No, I'm afraid not," Cassie answered briskly. "Look, I'm sorry, Ma'am, but I really need to get back to my duties."
"Of course, I'm sorry, go."
Trying to keep a grip on her rising panic, Laura told herself that once again, she was overreacting. There were many pilots on board the ship. The injured pilot could be any one of them. The odds were very slim that it was... She found that she couldn't even continue with that thought. She had to find out for sure. She knew that she wouldn't be able to relax until she knew for sure that he was not in danger. And she was not going to stand around here waiting for the answer to come to her.
The hallways of the Galactica were often so congested that it was difficult to get around, especially during shift changes. So, why was it that when she really wanted to see an officer, any officer, whom she could ask what was going on, the hallways were deserted? Deciding she would have to get the answers for herself, she started off, heading toward the port side hangar, as quickly as her skirt and heels would allow.
Arriving at her destination, she found several people milling around in the corridor, including Billy. Moving to her aide's side, she asked if he knew what had happened.
"I'm not really sure," he answered. "I came down here to make sure that your shuttle would be ready for this afternoon and while I was talking to the deck boss, I heard shouting. We both turned to see that one of the Vipers was on fire. That's when everything got confusing. The alarms started going off, there were people rushing around, and then someone was telling me that I had to leave the deck. That was about an hour ago."
"The pilot was still inside the Viper when it caught on fire?" Laura asked, feeling slightly sick.
"Yeah, but I couldn't see who it was. I'm not even sure if it was a man or a woman. Whoever it was must have been pretty badly hurt though, the medical team went in about a half hour ago, but I haven't seen them come back out."
Looking around at the people in the hallway, she caught sight of a familiar face. It was the dark-haired lieutenant that had piloted the Raptor and had found all those lost ships after the Cylon attack. Now if Laura could just remember her name... Val-something... Valerii, that was it.
Approaching the pilot, she asked, "Excuse me, Lt. Valerii, do you have any idea of what's happened?"
"Yes sir, I guess there was a fuel leak in one of the Vipers and it caught fire. They've got the fire put out, but the port side hangar is going to be closed off for a while, until the crews can get it cleaned up and figure out what went wrong."
"But there were injuries, weren't there?"
"Yes, the pilot has some pretty nasty burns on the face and hands and, I think, one or two of the deck crew also received burns while trying to suppress the fire."
"Do you know who the pilot was?"
"Uh, no, I'm sorry, sir. There was too much going on for me to really see the pilot before I was ordered off the deck. There was a lot of shouting, but... I thought I heard Capt. Adama's name called once or twice."
The young woman looked pale and concerned. Feeling numb herself, Laura gave the other woman's shoulder a quick reassuring squeeze before she turned to find someone who could give her the answers she so desperately needed. Moving to enter the hangar deck, she found two security officers barring the doorway. The two men stepped up to her as she approached.
"I'm sorry, Ma'am, this area is temporarily off limits," one of them told her. "You can't go in there."
"The hell I can't! I'm the president. Now get out of my way!"
After a moment's consideration, the two men reluctantly stood down and allowed her to pass. Entering the large space, she was immediately assaulted by the sharp, acrid smell of over-heated metal and melted plastic. Much of the area was still coated with a layer of the foam substance that had been used to smother the flames. The crews were still moving about cautiously, making sure the fire was completely doused and there was no chance of it possibly re-igniting.
Looking around, Laura saw no sign of the medical team. Had they already taken the wounded pilot to the Life Station? Just as her panic was beginning to gain the upper hand, she abruptly let out a tremendous sigh of relief as her eyes fell on Lee Adama, standing beside Chief Tyrol. Both young men had their backs to her and were inspecting the blackened, burnt out shell of a Viper.
Lee was alive, he was unhurt, and judging by the incomplete state of his uniform, he hadn't even been on duty, let alone, in the Viper. As relief flooded her body, she felt herself beginning to shake. She felt tears welling up in her eyes and was only just managing to keep herself from falling apart completely. Sensing movement beside her, she glanced over to see Commander Adama move to join his son and Tyrol. The man hadn't even glanced in her direction.
"Ma'am, you really shouldn't be here. It's not safe right now."
Laura turned to see a young woman, barely more than a girl, really, with a dark ponytail and dressed in the fire retardant suits of the ground crew, looking at her anxiously. The girl's pale face was smudged with soot, making her appear even younger, a child playing dress-up in the grown-up world.
"Are you alright, Ma'am?" the girl asked, slightly concerned.
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you," Laura managed to whisper. "I-I just wanted to see how bad the damage was. I'll leave now."
Later, she was never really sure how she managed to get out of the hangar without completely embarrassing herself. She could feel that she was on the very edge of hysteria. She was a woman who throughout her lifetime had prided herself on her discipline and tightly controlled emotions. But right now, she could feel all of that control rapidly unraveling. She walked blindly through the halls, not even sure where she was headed, because on some vague, sub-conscious level she was aware that she was not headed in the direction of her quarters.
As though her feet had minds of their own, she soon found herself standing outside the pilots' quarters. She pushed the hatch open and immediately went to the door to Lee's room. Without a single coherent thought, she opened the door and let herself in, closing it again behind her. The room was empty, of course. Lee was still down on the hangar deck. So, what solace she expected to find here, she wasn't sure. She only knew that this was where she had needed to be.
Stepping further into the room, she moved to stand beside the bed. Looking down at it, she suddenly felt foolish. What am I doing here? she asked herself in exasperation. Wrapping her arms around herself, she turned to leave, but her eyes fell on the desk and the sad, little unicorn sitting guard beside the computer. Picking up the worn toy, she felt the last vestiges of her control crumble away.
Hugging the stuffed animal to her chest, she collapsed onto the bed and began to cry. These were not the gentle, lady-like tears of a woman who has just had a slight scare, but the soul-wrenching sobs of a woman who has, and still is, looking the great, black void of death, squarely in the face. Whether she was crying for the lost Colonies, her own impending mortality, or pure relief that Lee Adama was safe, she didn't really know. Most likely, it was a combination of them all.
She didn't know how long she had lain there, crying. It could have been minutes or it could have been hours. It was as if something inside of her had broken and she couldn't seem to stop the tears now that they had started. So intent was she, on her own misery, that she didn't hear it when Lee entered the room. She wasn't even aware of his presence beside the bed until he softly called to her.
"Laura?"
Sniffling, she slowly lifted her head to look at him. She had no idea what to expect from him, but the look he gave her held only concern. It was more than she could bear and she broke down again, sobbing uncontrollably. Without another word, he sat down beside her and pulled her into his arms. She was only vaguely aware of his hand rubbing her back or the meaningless words of comfort he was murmuring to her as she cried against his shoulder. The faint smell of smoke that clung to his hair and clothes only served as a reminder of what she could have lost today.
Eventually, she must have exhausted herself and fallen asleep. When she came awake again some time late, she found herself lying half-across Lee's stomach. He was now lounging back against the wall at the head of the bed, his feet extended out in front of him. Cautiously moving her head to look up at him, she found calm, blue eyes watching her. She felt herself flush slightly.
"I-I'm so sorry," she said, struggling to sit up, while still maintaining her dignity.
She was incredibly stiff and sore, as if she had been working out. As she finally managed to get to an upright position, she realized that she was still clutching the little unicorn tightly in her hand. She was very much aware that she probably looked terrible. She was not one of those women who could go off on a crying binge and still somehow manage to look good. Of course, hers had been more than just a binge, more like a purge. She knew that her eyes would be swollen and red, her skin blotchy. She rubbed a hand over her now-dry face and felt the beginnings of a splitting headache starting at the very front of her forehead. Lords, what must he think of her?
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked softly.
"I don't really know what happened. I heard something about an accident on the hangar deck. I went to find out more information. I spoke to Lt. Valerii and she said that one of the Vipers had caught fire. She said she had heard someone say your name and I thought... It was stupid of me, really. I had no reason to jump to that conclusion, but... I don't know what's the matter with me. I just can't seem to control my emotions these days. I was doing so well for so long, but... I am so sorry, for the way that I have behaved towards you. I had no right to try and start something that I knew I couldn't finish, and I shouldn't have simply walked away without an explanation."
He said nothing, but he did reach out to gently rub her arm soothingly. Feeling herself strengthened by his touch, she made up her mind.
"There's something I have to tell you," she said and, taking a deep breath, she began, "I have cancer..." She told him everything, her doubtful prognosis, her chemotherapy experience, her conversation with Migs, and her refusal to have the mastectomy. He sat silent and expressionless throughout this monologue and when she had finished, she said, "Please, say something."
He was silent for a moment longer, before finally saying, "Why didn't you tell me all this sooner?"
"I should have, you're right," she agreed, "but I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to be pitied and I didn't want it to affect my job. But I should have told you as soon as I started to feel... I'm sorry."
"Okay," he said, starting to reach out to touch her face. She caught his hand before he could and placed it back in his lap.
"This conversation doesn't change anything, Lee," she said. "I'm still dying and I'm still not going to let you put your life on hold while you wait around for that to happen."
"So, you've already decided all of this, have you?" he asked testily. "You've already committed yourself to the ultimate outcome and, evidently, you've already made up my mind for me, as well. Don't I get to have a say in this, myself?"
She sighed heavily. "You don't know what you're getting into. You're too young. You still think you're immortal..."
"No, I don't! Not anymore. I've watched too many good pilots die to ever make that mistake again. You thought that it might be me in that Viper that caught fire today, well it very well could have been and next time, it could be me. No, Laura, I know that I'm not immortal, in fact, I'm perfectly well aware, that my life expectancy might just be shorter than yours."
She had nothing to say to that. What could she, really? But she wasn't quite ready to give in to him. "At least, if you die in your Viper, it will most likely be quick and efficient. Tell me honestly, are you prepared to watch me die slowly?"
"... I don't know," he said truthfully. "But shouldn't I, at least, be allowed the choice?"
Realizing that this conversation was not going the way that she had expected it to, Laura stood and began pacing. Still clutching the little unicorn, she began unconsciously squeezing it as she moved around the small room.
"There's still the matter of children," she said abruptly, stopping to face him.
"What ? Children?" Lee asked, slightly startled. "They're hardly an issue at this point."
"That's just it, they should be an issue! In order for us humans to survive, we need to be having babies. Our able-bodied, young people, such as you, should be actively seeking out partners so that they can begin repopulating our species. How does it look, when the president, who has been openly advocating this policy and is incapable of acting upon it herself, takes one of the prime specimens out of the gene pool?" she asked, gesturing at him.
"Prime specimen?" Lee repeated, trying not to laugh at the sudden absurd turn in the conversation. "My, such flattery will go straight to my head. I don't think I've ever been complimented quite so... clinically before."
"You know what I mean!" she said, irritated at his ill-timed attempt at levity. She knew that she was being ridiculous, but she didn't really care and she didn't need him pointing it out.
"No, actually, I don't know what you mean. Look, there aren't going to be any children in my future any time soon."
"But there should be. You should be looking for a girl your own age that you can have children with."
"Laura, I can't, alright! I can't father any children... at least, not for another three or four years."
"What?"
He took a deep breath and asked, "Do you know what RISUG is?"
"No, never heard of it."
"It stands for Reversible Inhibition of Sperm Under Guidance... It's male birth control and one injection is good for about ten years. I got the injection when I was 21. I figured that by the time I was 31, I would be at a point in my career that I might be ready to start thinking about a family. Until then, I didn't want to have to worry about it and I didn't want to have to rely on my partners being on birth control."
"Well, this can be reversed, can't it?" Laura asked. "I mean, 21 is incredibly young to be making that kind of a decision. What if you'd changed your mind, five years after getting the injection?"
"Yes, there is another injection that can neutralize the first one, but I seriously doubt the Galactica's Life Station pharmacy stocks it. They stock the birth control, but the Fleet previously wasn't in the habit of encouraging it's warriors to procreate while in space. And that's fine with me, because I'm not in any hurry to become a father."
Once again, Laura had nothing to say to this. He had just effectively shot down her arguments for why they couldn't be together. He hadn't looked at her with pity when she had told him about the cancer or the mastectomy. He had appeared concerned and supportive. This was not the reaction she had imagined she would receive and she wasn't sure how to deal with this. She wasn't sure how to deal with any of this. Her emotions were still quite raw from all the abuse they had taken today. She needed some time to sort all this out, to decide how she really felt. And she couldn't do that with him sitting so close. He was too much of a distraction. She could feel the headache beginning to gain strength.
"I-I can't deal with this right now," she said, rubbing her forehead. "I need to think. I need..."
"Laura..." Lee started, swinging his legs off the bed to go to her.
"No!" she said quickly, stopping him. "I need to be alone. Please..."
She left the room hastily, before she could change her mind, unconsciously still clutching the little unicorn. When she returned to her room, she found Naomi waiting for her inside. The priest, who had been sitting on the bed, stood as Laura entered, concern showing plainly on her face.
"Laura, where have you been?" Naomi demanded. "Dr. Soter told me about your conversation. I've been looking for you all afternoon. Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine. I've been talking to a... friend."
"Mr. Congeniality?" Naomi asked, with a sly smile. Her sharp eyes had taken note of the stuffed animal in Laura's hand, but she made no comment on it.
"Yes," Laura said, flushing slightly.
"So, you told him about the cancer?"
"Yes."
"And what did he have to say about your decision not to have the operation?"
"Well, we didn't really talk about that."
"I see... Laura, are you sure about this? I understand that you're scared, but Dr. Soter says that this is your best chance at survival."
"I know, he told me that too, but I just can't go through with it. He can't guarantee that I'll survive even if I have the surgery. If I'm going to die anyway, I'd rather do it fully intact... I don't know, maybe I am just in denial, but I've made my decision. I intend to stick with it."
"Alright," Naomi said softly. "So, what are you and Mr. Congeniality going to do?"
"Oh, I don't know," Laura said heavily, rubbing her aching forehead and sitting down on the bed. Despite her little nap earlier, she was still exhausted. "That's all messed up and it's mostly my fault."
"What happened?" the priest asked, sitting down beside the other woman.
"We slept together and probably too soon. It was all my instigation... I don't know what's the matter with me. I can't seem to control my emotions these days. It's like, all of a sudden, whatever I'm feeling, I have to act on it. I felt drawn to Lee, so I slept with him. I don't regret it, but I never would have slept with someone so quickly before. Why did I do so now?"
"Laura, you're going through some pretty heavy emotional stuff. It's to be expected that your emotions are going to be a bit erratic right now. Give yourself a break. Maybe some good, old-fashioned sexual healing was exactly what you needed."
"Yeah, except afterward I panicked and I left him, still sleeping. And the next day, I told him that it couldn't happen again. I hurt him, badly... Lords, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt Lee."
There it was again. No, Naomi hadn't missed the name the first time Laura had said it. The priest had let it slide, thinking that perhaps it had slipped out accidentally. But Laura had said it again. Naomi didn't think the woman was careless enough to make the same mistake twice, in such a short period of time. She obviously wanted Naomi to know who her mysterious "friend" was.
"Lee?" Naomi said, smiling slightly. "As in, Mr. Congeniality is... Lee Adama?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm, interesting, previously you said that he was too young for you to confide in him... So, let me get this straight, he was too young to confide in, but not too young to hop into bed with? You slut!" Naomi said, laughing.
"And why is it that I put up with you?" Laura asked, laughing as well. "Oh, Lords, what am I going to do about this mess I've made?"
"Oh, I don't think it's fatal. After all, you spent most of the afternoon with him. I think that's a pretty good indication that he's willing to forgive you... But you should sleep on it. You look like hell."
"Oh, thank you, very much," Laura said dryly.
"Anytime," Naomi said, smiling. Leaning forward, she gave the other woman a fierce hug. "You get some sleep. We'll talk more tomorrow."
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Despite the large shot of Migs' mysterious tonic she had taken before lying down, Laura still awoke several hours later. Rolling over, she glanced at the clock on her bedside table. It read 2300 hours. She didn't even stop to marvel at the fact that she now automatically translated the illuminated digital display into military time. It had now become second nature to her. It was interesting the ways that living on a military vessel changed one's perspective on even the little things.
She wasn't sure what had woken her up. She didn't think it had been a dream, but she awoke with a strange feeling of emptiness. Her small room suddenly seemed like a huge, black void. She fancied that she could almost hear the darkness breathing, crouched expectantly, and just waiting to swallow her up. Sitting up, she switched on the bedside lamp. As she did, her eyes fell on the little unicorn, leaning back against it. She hadn't remembered taking it with her from Lee's room. She had simply found it still in her hands when she lay down to sleep after Naomi had left.
She felt bad for taking it, even inadvertently. Becca had not entrusted it to her. She had wanted Lee to have it. Laura felt a sudden need to return the toy to the captain. Or was this just an excuse to go and see him? More than likely it was just an excuse, she realized, but she would take what she could get. She did want to see him, to talk to him. But then again, it was fairly late. Perhaps he was asleep already.
After a moment of silent debate, she made up her mind. Climbing out of bed, she quickly dressed in her comfy clothes and went to track down Capt. Apollo. Stepping cautiously through the main door to the pilots' quarters, she paused to make sure that no one was around. She wasn't ready to be seen knocking on Lee's door late at night just yet. The door to the barracks was closed and the short hallway outside it was deserted. She knocked lightly on Lee's door. When there was no answer for several minutes, she began to suspect that he was, in fact, asleep.
She was about to return to her room, when the hatch swung open. It was obvious that she had woken him up. He looked sleep-ruffled and was wearing a pair of loose, flannel pants and one of the black undershirts. He blinked at her in confusion for a minute.
"Is something wrong?" he asked. "Are you alright?"
"No," she answered, suddenly feeling foolish. "I... just wanted to return this." She held the stuffed toy out to him.
"It couldn't wait until morning?" he asked, smiling, as he took it from her.
"No, it couldn't... Look, I don't know what I can offer you. I... don't know how long I'll be around, but I do know that I want to be with you... For however long I can be. I can't guarantee that I won't freak out and run away again, but I promise that if I do get that urge, I'll wake you up and tell you first."
"I'll right," Lee said. "I want to be with you too, but I don't know how well I'll be able to handle it... if things get rough. I've never dealt with anything like this."
"Fair enough," Laura said. "We deal with this as it comes. We're both free to back out at any time, if things get to be too much to handle. But we talk to each other and we're honest. Neither of us leaves the other one hanging... Agreed?" She extended her hand out to him, as though they were sealing some kind of an informal treaty.
"Agreed," he said, shaking her hand. Still holding that hand, he turned and led her into his room, closing the door behind them.
THE END
Author's note: The RISUG male birth control that I mentioned is an actual product. I did not make it up or anything I wrote about it. It is supposedly good for ten years. The product was developed by Sujoy Guha, a professor of biomedical engineering at the Indian Institute of Technology in Delhi. It's still in the testing phase and is not yet available on the market. If anyone wants any more information about this, to use it in one of their stories, just let me know, I can give you more information. Or you can look it up yourself at