The Guinea Pig of the Bazkervilles
Chapter one: The Cameraman goes mental
Okay well that is nice. Nice with a capital N actually. The mangled, disturbed, distressing and most importantly DEAD face of Sir Charles. (Well I say face but I think the term 'never ending nightmare' seems to cover it much more clearly.) He looks kind of as though he's seen a mirror (shocked and alarmed) but there is blood just about everywhere (Yes the large gashes all over his face may explain that) and not a trace of a cracked mirror to be seen for miles around. He is lying on a slab, probably a forensic lab, being dead.
It is 18th /19th century kind of time and there is a coroner's court and prison up on the moors (what one is doing there I will never ever even begin to work out but anyway…) somewhere around this moor also lurks the evil, distressing, murderous…Bazkerville hall. (You thought I was going to say a hound then didn't you? Admit it!) There is a Mister Dr. Mortimer (played by John Nettles, with beard) in this coroner's court basically lying through his teeth under oath (naughty, naughty-doctors DON'T know best) the conversation goes kind of like this:
Coroner: Were there any signs of violence on the body?
Camera flicks wildly back to the terrible sight of Sir Charles (the close up) to a far away view.
Dr Mortimer: No. None whatsoever.
Oh yes of course there wasn't, I was forgetting how he bit his OWN neck half off.
Coroner: Can I remind you that you are under oath…yadda…yadda…yadda…
Well it just basically goes on to bore you like that and suddenly the camera flicks to this scene, which doesn't seem to have too much to do with anything (Aha, all will be revealed soon) of this bloke running away. Then it goes back to the coroner's room where there is this massive siren sound and the whole room jump out of their seats to the window.
It is a very misty and foggy day. This is quite normal up on the moors. The skies are very grey and the air feels damp like it's threatening to rain very soon. But as you can probably guess yourselves, that wasn't the reason about thirty people ran to the window.
"Who's escaped?" bellowed the coroner to a poor unsuspecting bloke who was innocently attempting to do his job. (I.e. ride a horse to try and capture the escaping prisoner) Yes, that is what the siren meant, a prisoner had escaped.
As expected, the deranged cameraman flipped scenes to the escaping prisoner running around the moors. Two IT like policemen came running after him calling to one another. Like the useless IT s they are.
The prisoner was fat and ugly and about 35 or maybe anything up to 50 (look I am not a close personal friend of the prisoner so therefore don't know) and he had a little kind of stubbly beard thing and was sweating and out of breath (after all he had run about ten steps what do you expect?).
"He's over here!" called the first policeman pathetically and then fell in a swamp and started to drown. He called the other policeman and he came along, tried to pull him out and fell in too. The prisoner watched all this and watched as the policemen both dies. (Nice bloke then)
Chapter Two- The Cameraman calms down a bit
Sherlock Holmes (played by Richard Roxburgh) and Dr. Watson (played by Ian Hart) both come out of the bathroom together wrapped in towels. (Oh my life! What have they been doing?) Then, the dead give-away comes when Holmes says: "Hot enough for you Watson?" and Watson replies: "Hot enough, Holmes." (Okay I think the BBC has tortured the British public enough already.) They proceed to have this boring little conversation about where to go for lunch and eventually they decide on a place because Sherlock Holmes has a client there. (For anyone who doesn't know that Sherlock Holmes is a detective-wakeup!)
Then they go and see the client who is called Dr Mortimer. He tells them a bit about Sir Charles. They were friends because Dr Mortimer was his doctor. (It took a genius to figure that one out, didn't it?)
Then he decides to read them a book. That's nice, isn't it? Although Holmes doesn't really like this idea because he asks Dr Mortimer to put it in his own words. Dr Mortimer begins his story. (Kill yourself now)
"Once upon a time, there was a man called Sir Hugo Bazkerville and his wife Helen. Helen had a pet. It was a guinea pig called Patch. Hugo was very cruel to Helen and she left him and wandered about up in the moors until she drowned and dies. The guinea pig was so sad by it's owners death, it has plagued the moors since, seeking revenge on passers by."
Holmes flicked through the book that he had confiscated from the doctor. He read the legend from the book. He nodded.
"Well I don't see what this fairytale about the haunted moors has to do with the death of Sir Charles," Holmes said. Watson laughed. (Comical wasn't it?)
"This is no fairytale, sir, I, and many, have heard the beast's vicious growl from the carriage while visiting Sir Charles many times before," Mortimer said, his beard catching on his walking stick as he jerked his head up every so often for no apparent reason.
"You believe this?" asked Watson. (Duh)
"I do, sir."
"You have proof?"
"Well, none but the body of the dead man himself, sir. You see, when I examined him, there were definite signs of violence."
Watson and Holmes eyed him for a moment. Watson spoke: "You lied at the inquest?" (Never one for subtlety)
"Indeed I did, sir."
"Why not tell them of your suspicions?" inquired Holmes, waving the legend book about.
"What would be the use?" said Mortimer sadly. "Who would believe me?"
"Even so…" Watson began until he was silenced by Holmes with a wave of his hand.
"You found the body doctor?"
"Yes sir. In the night when I was forced to make an emergency trip after a phone call from the old man himself."
"There was nothing/no one surrounding the body?"
The doctor thought for a moment. He looked at his feet. The fire beside Holmes and Mortimer flickered and shadows danced on the opposite wall. Watson sat unsociably away from them at the dining table.
"Should I say?" remarked the doctor, obviously talking to himself more than to the detectives. "I couldn't be sure of what I saw, not even for a minute."
"Anything you saw or indeed, think you may have saw could be very helpful, doctor."
"Hmm, yes. Well I saw footprints. Across the snow heading towards or, indeed, from the moors."
"A man's or a woman's?" asked Holmes.
Mortimer looked up. (You probably know what's coming next.) "Oh these were no footprints of a human, Mister Holmes, these were the footprints of a terrible guinea pig."
Chapter Three- Sir Henry (the it)
"So will you take the case, Mr Holmes."
"I will indeed, Dr Mortimer."
"Ah," mused the doctor rubbing his chin but making no effort to tell them what the point in saying 'ah' was.
"Yes?" asked Holmes.
"Well now the slight problem remains of Sir Henry, Sir Charles' niece." (Nephew! I meant to write nephew!)
"The heir?" (No the bloody undertaker)
"That's right. I am meant to pick him up at six tonight from the station. Whatever shall I do?" (Erm-take a direct flight to America?)
"Then you shall do so, Dr Mortimer. You shall meet him and take him to your hotel where you shall be safe. You shall never leave his side you understand? Then at nine tomorrow we shall meet at the restaurant in the hotel. Myself and Watson shall make our own way there, separately. Does that suit you Watson?"
"Perfectly."
"Then that is settled. Until tomorrow, doctor."
Yay! They had their little dinner date sorted then.
The next morning at quarter to nine, Holmes is walking into the hotel and through the corridors. He walks into the restaurant where Dr Mortimer sits with this bloke. It is Sir Henry (played by Matt Day). Well basically everyone says hi and has this massive conversation about who they are and what they are doing here and then Watson walks in so they have to say everything again and then they decide that they will book Dr Mortimer and Sir Henry into a hotel and Holmes and Watson will see them tomorrow and then Dr Mortimer and Sir Henry will go on to Bazkerville hall and Watson will go with them and try and solve the case all by himself because Holmes is way too lazy to go with anyone. (Well the actual excuse was that he was already on a case but we all know the truth.)
The next morning, Holmes and Watson are walking up the stairs in Sir Henry and Dr Mortimer's hotel (well it's not their hotel obviously but it's where they are staying and I don't know the name of it because they just love to go into details in this programme) and all you can hear is this IT thing shouting it's head off at one of the maids and it turns out to be Sir Henry in his pyjamas. (Oh my life! The BBC apologise for any trauma anyone may have suffered from this sight.)
"It's not my bloody fault you can't run a bloody hotel bloody properly, is it?" he swears politely. (Well a well-mannered young man!)
"I say! What's happened?" asked Holmes as the maid being shouted at practically bowed at his Lordshit (I bloody wouldn't I'd tell him where to shove it) and made a hurried exit.
This next bit is a bit complicated so you will have to bear with me here.
"I put both pairs of boots outside the door last night to be polished. My new pair, the black ones holds up black shoe and my favourite ones, the brown pair holds up brown shoe and when I went to get them back inside this morning I found that someone had misplaced one shoe of each pair. Now we have searched everywhere and I have found my brown one but one of the black ones is still missing!" he wails. (Did you keep up with that?)
"There, there," comforted Dr Mortimer. (This is a sad day for all)
Sherlock Holmes frowned. Did this have anything to do with the case?
"Don't worry, I'm sure it will turn up," said Watson brightly, making sure everyone was alright looking for a shoe. Then, Watson and Holmes left to prepare a horse and carriage for the journey to Bazkerville Hall.
The time has come for departure.
"I bid you fair well, Sir Henry," says Holmes, sucking up. "I trust your journey will be a pleasant one but and I hope that Dr Watson discovers why your uncle died the way he did and protects you as I'm sure he will."
"Thank you, Mr Holmes. I hope to meet you again," Sir Henry then went on to bugger off with Dr Mortimer. The plan was that Sir Henry and Dr Mortimer would travel to the station and Watson would make his own way there and when they get off the train, they would all meet up to be taken to Bazkerville Hall. Good, eh?
"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" cried Watson when they were gone. "I don't want to leave you Holmes, why can't you come? You know what they say, two bumbling idiots are better than one."
Holmes looked slightly confused for a moment and then gave Watson a cuddle. (Aren't they sweet? Note: various puking noises in the background)
"I'll miss you too Watson but I'm afraid that cannot be."
Thee hugged for about an hour and then Watson made his way to the station in floods of tears. This is a tragic moment.
Chapter Four- The Direct descendants of Clem arrive at Bazkerville Hall.
"And then I said…yadda…yadda…yadda…"
They were in the horse and carriage crossing the moors to Bazkerville Hall. Dr Mortimer was talking. This would explain why Sir Henry was asleep and Watson was slouched against the window of the carriage looking thoroughly bored. Suddenly Dr Mortimer gasped. (Oh my gosh had he finally remembered where he left his brain?)
"What? What? What is it?" asked Watson snapping up straight.
"The moors!" he cried. (He's quick isn't he?) "If we listen closely," he unfortunately continued, "we might hear the sound of the guinea pig calling…CalLInG!" (Yes we might or we might hear the sound of a complete idiot wasting everybodies time. Or of course we might hear Sir Henry snoring)
Watson gave the weird IT thing sitting next to him a strange look and proceeded to wonder if he should call him a doctor until he realised he was one and so was Dr Mortimer.
"Let's listen carefully," Dr Mortimer said putting a finger eccentrically to his lips and going "SSSSSSHHHHHHH!" louder than any bloody guinea pig Watson had ever come across. Watson didn't say anything but he seriously doubted Dr Mortimer keeping quiet longer than a mili-second in order to listen out for rodents 'calling'. He was right.
"I think I can hear it! Listen. It's the guinea pig!"
Watson listened and, upon realisation, pointed out to Dr Mortimer that it was in fact Sir Henry snoring and not in fact and oversized rodent.
A few hours later and a couple of million more sentences from the doctor later and they were drawing to a halt outside Bazkerville Hall. They passed under a black archway with a giant B at the top and two black metal gremlins either side. Watson peered up at them with interest.
The house did indeed look as the sort of house that would have many a spooky story told about it over the years. It was made of the old-fashioned Victorian style stones, you know, those large brown stones, and had black metal gothic windows panes.
As soon as the horse and carriage stopped, Sir Henry woke up.
"I'm home!" he cried as he leapt out of the carriage into the rain and mist. (Best place for him.) "I'm at my house! Oh yeah!" he ran up the steps and into the butler. He fell back down the stairs again.
"Sorry," he said to the butler (played by Ron Cook), dusting himself off. "You must be Barrymore, the butler."
"Yes sir. My wife, Mrs Barrymore, and I are honoured to meet you."
Mrs Barrymore (played by Liza Tarbuck) waddled up to Sir Henry.
"Ah hello Mrs Barrymore and what gracious part did you play in caring for my uncle?"
"And for you sir. I am the cook."
"Well sir," said Barrymore. "You can trust us to look after you, as did your uncle."
"Well you don't really need me do you?" asked Dr Mortimer. "I'll just go home. I don't live very far away so if you need me you only have to call. Byeee!" And he went. (Oh yes! It's gone)
"Tell me sir, did you ever find your black shoe after all?" asked Watson pleasantly as they were being shown to their rooms.
"No I did not Dr Watson. I am afraid it is gone for good now."
"Ah. Shame."
"Here you are, sir," said Barrymore, referring to Sir Henry and motioning in the direction of a door. "This is your room. I hope you will be very comfortable."
"I'm sure I will Barrymore," and with a quick smile directed and both Barrymore and Watson, he went inside and shut the door.
"And this sir," Barrymore moved opposite the other door to another doorway and pushed it open for an incapable Dr Watson, "is yours. We shall expect you in the dining room at seven for supper."
"I shall look forward to it," Watson informed him and Barrybore (sorry-Barrymore) then left and Watson spent the rest of the night writing letters to Holmes. Then, a couple of minutes before suppertime, Watson barged into Sir Henry's room. He bounced on the bed for a few moments and then decided to do Sir Henry's bow tie up for him. (Oooohhh-this is getting intimate. Holmes WILL be jealous.) And then they went down for dinner.
At supper, they ungratefully moaned about the décor for a few minutesand then wondered aloud to each other about which portrait was of Sir Hugo for about a day until Barrymore got fed up and told them. Sir Henry told Barrymore to thank Mrs Barrymore for the meal and then got up and buggered off the bed while saying that maybe things would look more cheerful in the morning. (Night time not good enough for you then?)
Chapter Five- The morning after. Not a lot happens.
When Watson arrives downstairs for brekkers, Sir Henry is practically dancing around the room.
"I was right," he sang cheerfully, "the place does look better in the morning!" (This kind of happiness is just too much to bear first thing, isn't it?)
Watson agreed and they spent the next few minutes stuffing their faces. After that, Watson locked himself in his room and wrote a letter to Holmes. One of the many he was planning to write about the case. (I'll bet he didn't tell him about getting close to Sir Henry while doing his bow tie last night) After that, Watson decided to take a walk across the moors. (Unfortunately, no, he didn't get eaten by any mutant guinea pigs) Although it was a pity he got caught up in a storm.
The wind was blowing strong and cold and stung round Watson's cheeks like he was being slapped with a kipper. The moors shook and Watson clutched his hiking stick tightly. Suddenly, in the distance he saw a canopy and a figure moving about under it. Partly curiosity and partly a need for shelter, Watson struggled closer.
"Halloa!" called Watson, a friendly greeting aimed at the stranger.
The figure turned. It was Stapleton. (Played by Richard E Grant-he fancied a change from the Argos adverts)
"Halloa," he replied. (Riveting stuff) "I don't often get much company out here." (Aww he's lonely) "What's your name and what is your business here, may I ask?"
"My name is Dr Watson. I am staying with Sir Henry at Bazkerville Hall. What is yours?"
"I am Stapleton. I like to research the biological history of the moors. I dig for bones."
Watson peered at the remarkable bon structure that Stapleton had just dug up.
"How old are those bones?" he inquired.
Stapleton laughed. "Well they are certainly not recent if that's what you mean."
Watson smiled too. (Holmes will have to watch him-after all there are no sheep on the moors, what will he be expected to do?)
The storm worsened. "Why don't we go back to my place?" (GASP! He's keen!) "Merrypit house, it's only a short walk over the moors. It won't take long."
"Why don't we indeed?" exclaimed Watson with a smile. (I bet he's hoping it has a cupboard.)
They walked across the moors. (They weren't holding hands but there was definitely a small hint of love in the air.) Watson explained who he was and was he was doing there and mentioned Sherlock Holmes yadda, yadda, yadda. And eventually they reach Merrypit house. Yay!
When they get there, a woman comes out (played my Neve McIntosh) and Stapleton introduces her as his sister (she's his wife really, SSH DON'T TELL!). He buggers off for a bit (for no real reason other than it's in the script) and Miss Stapleton tells Watson to go away (friendly or what?) but she explains that it's for his own good and if he goes away he will be safe. Then Stapleton comes back and she says some crap about the moors in the snow. Then Stapleton asks her what she was talking about and she says that she was telling Sir Henry about winter on the moors.
"Who do you imagine you're talking to?" asks Stapleton.
"I imagine to Sir Henry Bazkerville," she says. (WRONG! Sir Henry is even uglier than that if you can imagine such a thing.)
"No this is Dr Watson, looking after Sir Henry."
"The we have been talking at cross purposes," she says. Watson looks smug like knows something he shouldn't.
They go inside the house and have a good old chinwag. (Heh) The Stapleton hints that Watson should go without even asking him if he'd like a cup of tea. Although he does ask Watson if he and Sir Henry would dine with them the next night. He offers to walk him home over the moors because it's getting dark and Watson won't be able to see. (No it's because they couldn't find a cupboard and have decided the moors are the next best thing.) He goes in the other room to get his coat despite the obvious coat hanger in the hallway.
"You must forget what I said earlier," says Miss Stapleton.
"But I cannot forget it. If it to do with Sir Henry's safety then I must know."
"COMING!" calls Stapleton and skips off with Sir Henry over the moors.
"Do you know Dr Mortimer, Mr Stapleton?" asks Watson.
"Yes indeed, and his wife, Mrs Mortimer." (Well I NEVER would have guessed she would be called that.) "She is well walked about. She talks to members of the dead. Some call her a sorceress, the villagers call her a Witch."
"And what do you call her?"
"Me?" (No he was asking the guinea pig) "I call her Mrs Mortimer." (Have you stopped laughing yet because I know I haven't?)
Suddenly there was a howl echoing across the moors.
"What was that?" asks Watson worriedly. (You'd think he'd hear worse coming from Cupboardsville, wouldn't you?)
"I often hear strange sounds like that on the moors." (No you hear them in the cupboard.)
At last Stapleton buggers off and Dr Watson arrives at Bazkerville Hall just in time for tea.
Chapter Six- Sherlock Holmes makes a guest appearance"What a DELIGHTFUL supper!" exclaims Sir Henry just before bedtime.
"Goodnight," calls Watson cheerfully nodded in agreement. (Let's hope he doesn't help Sir Henry into his pyjamas tonight.)
Later on that night, the two IT s were awoken by a dreadful crying and wailing. Watson managed to rouse himself and makes his way towards Sir Henry's room. Sir Henry hears footsteps. He grabs a weapon and starts out across the floorboards of his bedchamber. The door quietly croaks open.
Slowly, he thinks to himself. Slowly. Why doesn't Watson stop this?
The door opens wide and Sir Henry stops in mid-swing as it is revealed to be Watson. Sir Henry breathes a sigh of relief.
"Did you hear it?" he hisses. Watson nods.
"The crying? I heard it."
The pair creep silently across the bedchamber and out of the door.
"It seems the sound is coming from downstairs."
"Maybe there's someone outside."
The two of them creep outside downstairs and across the hallway. The crying gets louder but suddenly it stops.
"Wha??" asks Sir Henry.
"It seems to have stopped," points out Watson. (YOU DON'T SAY!) "Maybe the best thing to do is go back to bed. We should enquire about it to Barrymore in the morning."
The next day, Sir Henry and Watson are eating brekkers as Barrymore comes into the room. Watson nudges Sir Henry.
"Er…" mutters Sir Henry helpfully. "I heard a woman crying last night and er…I was kind of er-wondering if you knew anything about it er-"
"Me sir? Well there are only two women that work for you. One is the maid who lives in the other quarters and the other is my wife and I am sure that the sound could not have come from her.
"Oh."
"Sir I was wondering if I should get rid of your old clothes."
"Splendid idea, Barrymore, I shall bring them down for you with all due haste."
That day is not really worth speaking about. They just stayed in and amused each other I suppose. (I wonder what on earth they could have done together!) Watson spent time writing to Sherlock Holmes and telling him about his new friend Stapleton. (The new affair)
The next night, the wretched sound is heard again. The woman seems to be in even more distress. (She had probably seen Sir Henry's face) Watson creeps into Sir Henry's bedchamber (or was he already there-we will never will know) and the two go downstairs and feel their way across the corridors. Suddenly Sir Henry falls over like the idiot he is and reveals a secret passage. (Now wasn't that convenient and hard to believe?) They move along the secret passage until they find Mr and Mrs Barrymore, Mrs Barrymore is crying and Mr Barrymore is at the window not looking in the least bit suspicious.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" bellows Sir Henry.
"Er…closing the window sir, it was cold." (That's pathetic)
"LIAR. A PLOT! A PLOT AGAINST ME!" (Don't flatter yourself.)
"Not against you sir."
"TELL ME!" (How about no?)
"No I can't sir."
"Tell me or you will be forced to leave my services."
"Well if I must I must."
"I told you it IS a plot against me!"
Mrs Barrymore spoke up. "Not against you, sir. It is me he has wronged. You see, every night he signals to her to show her I'm in bed. Then she comes to him."
"So it was you we heard crying Mrs Barrymore." (DUH!)
"Yes it was me, sir," she bursts into a wave of wet tears.
Watson gets a few tears in his eyes too. He is probably feeling guilty for betraying Holmes in such a way.
He runs outside for no apparent reason and sees a man up on the Tor with the moon behind him. He blinks and the man disappears. Watson makes a mental note to check it out the flowing morning. Now I know it's Sherlock Holmes, you know it's Sherlock Holmes (well if you didn't I just told you) but Watson doesn't recognise his lover.
Chapter Seven- Lovers reunited.
It was a blizzard and surprise, surprise, Watson was out in it. He was marching up the moors to investigate the figure seen on the Tor the night before. He had given Sir Henry strict instructions to stay inside for 'his own safety'. (Or everybody else's- you can't let someone with a face like that go out in public)
Eventually Watson arrives at the top where it is evident that someone has been staying there due to the shelter and empty beer bottles. Watson hears someone approaching and takes out his gun.
"I wonder, Watson," says a voice. "If I may be allowed to enter without you shooting me."
"HOLMES!" bellows Watson in disbelief. "What are you doing here?"
The face of Sherlock Holmes appears round the door. (And it's not a pretty sight)
"Didn't you trust me?" shouts Watson. "What about those letters I sent you? Were they all in vain?"
"On the contrary, Watson. I did trust you but my case in Bakers street finished quicker than I first anticipated. So I came here. And I had your letters sent to me here and they have been delayed only by one day. Very good job Watson."
"Well why did you not tell me you were here?"
"Because you would have gone out of your way to bring me comfort, blankets and such. I could not have that." (Do you see the logic?) "But since you know I am here now, I see no reason why I cannot come back and stay in the Hall with you and Sir Henry."
"Oh Holmes, how I have missed you!" they hugged. If they did anything else it has been lost (or purposely not recorded). Suddenly there was a scream of mortal terror. (Oh my life Sir Henry's out in public again!)
"Sir Henry!" screams Watson and Holmes together. They both run down the moors in different directions and meet up again by a ditch thing where there was a figure lying dead face down dressed in Sir Henry's white suit.
"SIR HENRY! NOOOOOOOOO!"
Watson bursts into tears and runs down to hug the bloody body. There was an awkward pause in which Holmes looks at the body. Then he, rather inappropriately Watson thought, bursts out laughing.
"For God's sake, Holmes," says Watson in disgust.
"It's not Sir Henry!" Holmes explains. (Damn) "It's the convict. Look at his hand." Watson looks at the tattoo on his hand and then turns the body over. Holmes is right.
"Well what do we do now?"
Chapter eight- A little conversation at the forensic labs.
Watson and Holmes stand over the dead body of the convict at the forensic labs.
"So…" mutters Watson. "…He was beaten to death by a savage guinea pig."
"It would seem," said Holmes. "Now the small problem remains of putting the man behind this evil crime and the murder of Sir Charles to justice. I think it's safe to say that the intended target was Sir Henry, as the convict was wearing Sir Henry's clothes…"
"Holmes, Holmes…are you saying that you know who the murderer is?"
"Indeed I do."
"Well do tell."
"The culprit is non other than Stapleton. A despicable foe."
"STAPLETON! My! My! And however will we prove it? And whatever will Miss Stapleton do?"
"Miss Stapleton, yes."
"Whatever is that supposed to mean?" (It's like their talking a different language.)
"Now, Watson, I will give you a piece of information for all that you have given me. Miss Stapleton is not his sister. She's his wife." (Shocked gasps from the audience.)
"His wife! Well why the deception?"
"Because his wife would be more useful for his purposes as a single woman."
"Wha…why?"
"Think of Sir Henry." (And there was Watson thinking Sir Henry only had eyes for him.)
"Of course! Why only today, Sir Henry invited the Stapletons and the Mortimers to dine with us."
"Well then Watson, we must return with all due haste. Ah, but I think that first we should talk to Mr and Mrs Barrymore."
Back at the Hall, the proud Watson introduced his lover to his new friends and everyone said hi and then got down to the more serious business of informing Mrs Barrymore that her brother was dead.
"I think you should sit down Mrs Barrymore."
"I prefer to stand."
"It's your brother."
She sat down.
"He's dead."
Chapter Nine- Ah at last a little sanity among the characters.
The Stapletons and the Mortimers came round for tea that night. (That's nice, isn't it?) They finish eating dinner and Mrs Mortimer (played by Geraldine James) starts talking about her work as a medium. Sir Henry asks her if she had tried to contact his uncle through a séance after he died. (Well she's hardly likely to have tried before he died is she?)
"No I haven't," she replies. "Perhaps we could try it now." Everyone likes this idea. Even Dr Mortimer got involved at one point.
"Mrs Mortimer instructs everyone to put their arms together and close their eyes and think of Sir Charles.
"I think I can hear him," she says shortly. Then Stapleton destroys the atmosphere by laughing and tries to disguise it by putting his hand over his mouth and coughing. (Note: this is a clue. Remember it for later.) Holmes eyes him with interest. Mrs Mortimer glares at him in disgust. They close their eyes and hold hands once more.
Suddenly the windows clang and the candles go out. It worked then.
"I am Sir Charles," says Mrs Mortimer. (Well obviously Mrs Mortimer didn't say it, Sir Charles did, because it would be a pretty stupid thing for Mrs Mortimer to say considering she fairly obviously isn't Sir Charles but Sir Charles said it through Mrs Mortimer.)
"I don't like this," says Miss (or Mrs, whatever) Stapleton. (Well boo hoo.)
"How did you die uncle," asks Sir Henry eagerly, ignoring her.
"The guinea pig," says Sir Charles via Mrs Mortimer. "It's eyes flashing like red fire. THE GUINEA PIG!"
There is a huge crash and the guinea pig appears at the window, eyes alight with red gleaming fire. Sir Henry grabs Miss Stapleton and raises a chair above his head to swing at the guinea pig. (Well that's going to do a lot of good. It's OUTSIDE you idiot.)
Watson and Holmes run outside but it's gone. They try and search for clues but it kind of doesn't work because there aren't any.
Back inside, everyone is basically panicking except Stapleton who is grinning inanely.
"That was horrible," says Miss Stapleton. (That was informative)
Sir Henry lets go of her and she makes no indication to whether she was referring to seeing the guinea pig as horrible or the experience of being clutched tightly by Sir Henry. (My money's on the second one)
After that it all gets rather boring I'm afraid. The characters that don't reside at the Hall went home and everyone else went to bed. Holmes and Watson (I bet they share a room or a cupboard more like) discussed the case and how they could set Stapleton up to catch him in the act but they didn't come up with any bright ideas so they gave up and went to sleep. (Well we think they went to sleep)
In the morning Holmes spends ages in the bathroom because he needs more opium and everyone else gets kind of grouchy because he took so long and Sir Henry was moaning and whining because Watson used some of his bath salts and Watson wouldn't apologise because he was sure that his were the blue ones but then reluctantly he said sorry and promised to buy Sir Henry some new ones and yes if Sir Henry preferred he would buy him yellow ones or even pink if they weren't too expensive. Satisfied with this, Sir Henry slopes off downstairs and can't resist the opportunity to gloat at Mrs Barrymore's misfortune when he sees her setting an orchid plant up on the table on the stairwell.
"It's an orchid, sir, if you keep it in the light it'll be alright."
"But will you be alright Mrs Barrymore?" (Haw haw)
Chapter Ten- A Christmas Party. (yay!)
When everyone was eating brekkers, Sir Henry took the opportunity to start organising the Christmas party and see what everyone else thought of his crappy ideas.
"I thought we could invite the Stapletons and the Mortimers," (Damn) he says. Holmes and Watson eye each other at the name of Stapleton. (No he's not allowed in the cupboard either)
Sir Henry was continuously singing Christmas carols and basically being all merry and happy and organise-y and everything was getting a bit too much for one TV programme. He had decided that the party was going to be held on Christmas eve and it was going to be at the Hall and it was going to be one of those posh things with plays and stuff and stupid looking blokes dressed up but more from the stupid looking blokes dressed up later. Christmas eve soon approached.
"I'm afraid that we shall be leaving you on Christmas morning. Watson shall leave his things here as a pledge that we will return to you." Holmes says. This was news to Watson. He looks around all confused for a bit like a gormless idiot and then Sir Henry says:
"You're leaving Christmas morning?" (He's quick isn't he?)
"Yes."
"But you will join us for tonight's celebrations?"
"Wouldn't miss them for the world."
Later on, grinning inanely, Sir Henry greeted the guests by asking them, in the doorway, if they knew what mistletoe was and then sticking his repulsive tongue down their throats. (He did give Miss Stapleton the eye but it was really Stapleton he was after)
Everyone started dancing and Sir Henry and Miss Stapleton started dancing and then Stapleton drags Miss Stapleton outside to tell her nothing more useful that to go back inside and carry on dancing with Sir Gehen. (I meant Henry)
Then the 'entertainment' starts. A bloke dressed up as a giant guinea pig comes out and starts flailing his arms about and reciting poetry (I don't know what that's about but I think a doctor should be immediately called) and then a bloke dressed up and Santa Claus does the same and everyone is smiling and enjoying themselves for reasons unknown.
Holmes drags Watson to the side. Watson gets all excited as he thinks that Holmes is planning a trip to Cupboardsville but instead Holmes whispers: "Watson, I'm going to sneak across the moors and investigate Stapleton's home. Make sure he stays here."
"Will do," says Watson all disappointed.
Holmes creeps across the moors. He isn't scared of any oversized guinea pigs, as he knows Stapleton is behind it all. He shivers and thinks pleasant thought of Watson in Cupboardsville. (Urgh! That's horrible. Not pleasant at all. Don't even try thinking if that, you'll be having nightmares for the rest of your life. No never mind bloody nightmares: you'll end up in a mental home!)
Holmes reaches Merrypit house where Stapleton lurks. (I mean lives)
He breaks in, noses about in his desk for a while, finds a photo, confiscates it and breaks back out again and creeps back across the moors to Bazkerville Hall.
Meanwhile…
Stapleton grinned at the sight of Sir Henry and his 'sister' dancing together in the grand hall. He moved away still grinning. His plan was going perfectly. Not long now and he would have control. He looked around for people that he knew. He knew where Sir Henry was and Mr and Mrs Mortimer were dancing. (Well trying to) Excellent, they didn't suspect a thing. Stapleton remembered seeing Watson practising his snooker skills in the lobby. But…oh no! Where was Sherlock Holmes? The almost infamous detective was sure to figure it out if left alone in Merrypit house. Could it be that Holmes had gone over there mid party and he was none the wiser? He had taken it for granted that because it was a party; people would stay and enjoy themselves. He cursed silently to himself.
"Where's Holmes?" Stapleton was bellowing to everyone in the Hall.
"Where's Holmes?" He kept shrieking. Nobody paid the least bit of attention to him, thinking that he was just looking for a Cupboardsville partner.
He runs into the lobby and bawls the same question at Watson.
"Why hullo old chap," smiles Watson cheerfully whist potting a red. Stapleton groans. He wants to know if he can get away with murder not a smiling Dr Watson.
"Yes rather quite urgent I'm afraid," he says as pleasantly as he can muster, "I really do need to find Mister Holmes."
"Yes he's not really a party person. He's probably upstairs in his room having a rest. I'm sure he'll be down later."
Stapleton clucked his tongue in irritation feeling as if his worst fears had been confirmed. He made to leave.
"Hold up a minute old chap, why not stay and have a game?"
"No really it's very important that I find Sherlock Holmes."
And very conveniently, just at that moment he appears behind him.
"And what can I do for you?" Holmes asks politely.
Stapleton turns round looking very surprised. He figures that Sherlock Bloody Holmes must have just been in a cupboard and if so, he needs to find the sheep bloody quick.
"Er…" he stutters. "Er-nothing. Just wanted to know where you were because…er-it's almost time for pie!" He finished unconvincingly. Well covered! He thinks to himself. Holmes practically yanks him to one side.
"Some friendly advice," Holmes whispers to him. "Never play Watson. He cheats." How it is possible to cheat in a game of snooker I will never know but Holmes had to have some reason for yanking him closer to him didn't he?
Chapter Eleven- Proof at last (Yes that is always a good thing to have in a murder inquiry)
That night after everyone had gone home after listening to a few rounds of Sir Henry singing Christmas carols. (No he wasn't drunk he was trying to be friendly)
"So," he says to Holmes and Watson. "You'll be leaving tomorrow."
"For Exmoor, yes," says Holmes.
"Well I shall miss you." (I expect)
"We shall not be gone that long. Watson will leave his things here with you."
Sir Henry goes off to bed so that the two are left to talk about the case.
"Did you find anything in Stapleton's house? I take it that you did go there?"
"Indeed! I found this photograph."
He pulled it out and Watson inspected it. (If you just saw that sentence on it's own you'd be really worried wouldn't you?) To Watson there was nothing suspicious about it. It was just an ordinary black and white photograph of three men sitting on some steps. But then Watson didn't have Sherlock Holmes (deranged) mind did he? At least we'd hope not.
"Er- is that supposed to mean something?"
"Not on it's own, no. But take that portrait of Sir Hugo up there."
"Well what about it?"
"Do you notice anything about it?"
"No."
"Well I wonder."
Holmes walks over to a chest of drawers underneath the portrait. He starts climbing on top of it.
"Help me here Watson,"
He hands his candle to Watson and Watson sets it down on the table. Holmes pulls Watson up on the drawers next to him and Watson picks up the candle.
"How about now?"
"No." (Useless isn't he?)
"Well how about now?" Holmes places the photograph of the three men over Sir Hugo's mouth and part of his nose. At last Watson sees it. The uncanny resemblance between the portrait of Sir Hugo and…
"Good Lord! Stapleton!"
"Yes! You see, I'm pretty sure that this is a photograph of Sir Charles, his dead brother and Stapleton's father. Maybe Stapleton (whose real name is John Bazkerville not Jack Stapleton) is an heir and his father was shunned by the family or something, I don't know it doesn't matter but anyway, that would mean killing off the other Bazkervilles so that he can inherit."
Holmes was getting a bit over excited and for once it had nothing to do with being next to Dr Watson.
"By Jove Holmes! You've done it again old boy!" o.0
Watson paused for a minute. "So why are we leaving tomorrow?"
Holmes decided that it would be a good time to get off the chest of drawers they were currently breaking.
"You'll see Watson. You'll see."
Then the two went off to bed. Er-together.
Chapter twelve- A big surprise for WatsonThe next morning we are subjected to the sight (and sound) of all the major characters so far (minus Holmes and Watson and of course all the dead ones-well actually they might be there too but they wouldn't be a pretty sight. Well actually they would be a better sight than the alive ones. Well I say alive but I use the term loosely) singing in a church sermon. They are singing Christmas carols. (Well I suppose it is Christmas day so they can be forgiven) The scene mainly flicks back and forth between Sir Henry and Miss Stapleton and is very crappy. So crappy in fact I don't know why I wasted a whole paragraph writing about it. I could have been doing something useful and constructive with my time but no, I had to be writing a whole paragraph on that crappy scene. (Er…sorry about that, I'm nearing the end of the whole bloody story now so I am getting a little over excited. So anyway…
The next scene is just Holmes and Watson getting off a train (riveting stuff obviously) and Watson shouting:
"This isn't Exmoor! This is Dartmoor! Are we stopping at Cupboardsville?"
Then they run towards this bloke at the other end of the station with Watson shouting various comments about what they are doing there occasionally and the bloke they are running to meet who just happens to be the Chief inspector thing and he shouts "Christmas morning! This had better be good, Holmes."
"A Christmas morning I am sure you will never forget, sir."
They all start running together, Watson is still attempting to ask what they are doing there and I think even everyone will have figured at least some of it out by now, that they are there to try and catch Stapleton.
Sir Henry is walking across the moors to have Christmas dinner with the Stapletons. He is going to have a bit of a problem as Stapleton has just brutally murdered his wife. Anyway, as soon as Sir Henry gets there, Stapleton greets him."
"Er…Miss Stapleton, she's not here is she? Is she alright?"
"Miss Stapleton is fine but unfortunately her mother is not. She has gone up to Scotland to look after her," Stapleton informs him lying through his teeth.
"Oh. Then I probably shouldn't be here."
"Of course, come inside. You can't be alone for Christmas day." (Easier to kill if he's inside his house isn't he?)
Meanwhile, Holmes, Watson and the Chief inspector are camping outside Merrypit house in the mist. Inside the window they can see Sir Henry looking kind of worried while Stapleton carves the turkey with a rather large knife.
"Something had better happen soon," hisses the Chief inspector. "Ten more minutes and we won't be able to see the path. Fifteen and we won't be able to see our hands in front of us."
After a while, Sir Henry goes out of the house, (a good thing) and declines a bed for the night from Stapleton (ooh I wonder what Stapleton was thinking) and decides to walk home instead. As soon as he was gone, Stapleton releases a guinea pig and clobbers it with Sir Henry's black boot thing that he lost in the hotel. Then the guinea pig goes after Sir Henry…
Chapter thirteen- The dramatic violent bit"Run!" shouts Watson. "We must save Sir Henry!" (Bugger Sir Henry. As soon as that poor guinea pig violently chews in into tiny pieces he might get food poisoning. Shouldn't we be more concerned about that?)
They all run after the guinea pig and Sir Henry. Sir Henry has gotten a suspiciously long way from the house for someone that was walking. Watson runs after him with a pistol to shoot the guinea pig. (Not Sir Henry-damn) Holmes and the Chief inspector run into the house to arrest Stapleton but more on that later.
Poor Sir Henry thought Sir Henry. Not only have I wasted Christmas day with that slimy git, I have also caught an incredibly bad cold. Oh dear. What Sir Henry didn't know was that that was the least of his problems. Coming up behind him (no for once it wasn't Watson) was a slobbering bloodthirsty guinea pig with huge teeth.
"AHHH!" screams Sir Henry. "So the legends are tru…AAAAHHHH!"
Sir Henry is basically being ripped to pieces when Watson came along.
"NO!" he shouts. The guinea pig looks up. Watson dangles a piece of lettuce between his fingers. The guinea pig sniffs at it as Watson bends down and feeds it to it. He gingerly strokes the guinea pig as it eats the lettuce.
"Bad guinea pig!" he says to it. "Don't do it again." He wags his finger at the innocent little creature and the guinea pig slopes off.
"Noooo! My precious Sir Henry! What has it done to you?" (Er-well sniffed at him for a bit. Nothing more than Watson really. But a lot, lot less.)
Watson (yes over dramatically) carries Sir Henry back to Bazkerville Hall where Mr and Mrs Barrymore are waiting with wet wipes and maybe a few plasters just in case.
"I wonder what is happening at Merrypit house," Watson asks himself. He sniffles. "Sherlock Holmes, I still love you!" he wails as he realises it is Holmes that he loves and he sets off back to Merrypit house.
Chapter fourteen- The lovers are back together.
Meanwhile the chief inspector and Holmes are sitting with a handcuffed Stapleton.
"You are John Bazkerville. Heir to the Bazkerville estate. You trained a guinea pig to kill and you called it on and off and you murdered Sir Charles and the convict, the man you thought was Sir Henry and you sent the guinea pig to kill Sir Henry just now."
"What did I call it on and off with?"
Holmes thought for a bit and then went through Stapleton's pockets. (Although there could have been another reason for that) Eventually he pulled out a whistle from Stapleton's pocket. (Took him long enough. Well…)
"With this." He says triumphant. "That night with the séance…" It changes scenes back to that night when Stapleton coughed suspiciously. He was using the whistle thing.
"And that woman you claim as your sister, she is your wife."
"I have no wife." (Nice point-after all he just killed her)
"You were married in Cornwall."
"I have no wife."
"Here is your marriage certificate."
"I have no wife."
He chucks the piece of paper Holmes was giving him behind his head.
"I have no wife."
"I have no wife."
"I have no wife."
"I have no wife."
"I have no wife." (Okay, we've got the picture!)
Just then Watson fell in the door.
"He's killed his wife!" shouts Watson.
"I have no wife," says Stapleton just in case there was anyone who didn't hear him the last time or the six times before that, then he violently attempts to get the gun off the Chief inspector but in handcuffs it proves to be kind of difficult and Watson accidentally gets shot in the process and then Stapleton grabs the gun and runs away.
Holmes rushes over to his bleeding lover who is clutching his arm in agony.
"Go! Catch Stapleton, I'll be alright." Aww how brave!
Holmes runs out the door after Stapleton. Stapleton rushes across the moors with Holmes on his tail until suddenly Holmes falls down a ditch thing and starts to drown. That's nice.
Stapleton sits down on a piece of grass to watch him die. (Also nice)
"You see I know these moors like the back of my hand. Don't' try and struggle, as it will only make you die quicker. Your best chance is to try and lie on your back and then you can swim to safety. But of course, if you do, I'll shoot you." He looks serious for a moment and then starts smiling.
"Then I will be…" BANG! Watson crawls up the moors and shoots Stapleton in the head in a dramatic rescue. Then he hands Watson a piece of tree and pulls him to safety. (I'll never know why the Chief inspector couldn't make an effort to save Holmes but of course we wouldn't want two dying detectives to put him out at all)
"Are you alright?" he asks. Then I think it is best to skip onto what happens the next day because we won't learn anything we didn't already know from staying with this one. All I think we should say is that they didn't wait until they got home to the cupboard.
So Sir Henry could own Bazkerville Hall and all it's estates without worrying about anything. (Unless there is another secret child of a Bazkerville tucked away somewhere but that is unlikely) He thanked Holmes and the bandaged Watson and they had a piccie taken for the local paper. (The poor photographer will regret that when they crack his camera)
Then they are on the train home with Holmes and Watson sitting opposite each other.
"Well everything worked out okay," beams Watson.
"Yes," says Sherlock Holmes who puts down the paper with the photo of him and Watson on. (He was drooling over the bit with Watson on)
"Is there any cheese?" asks Watson, spreading some butter on a biscuit.
"Yes, over here," says Holmes. Watson goes to sit next to Holmes to use the cheese.
For a few minutes they munched on cheese and biscuits. (Wai yu mun ching!)
Then Watson leans his head on Sherlock Holmes' shoulders.
"So er- how about a quick trip to Cupboardsville, eh?" he asks hopefully.
"Don't be a wanker, Watson."
The end! (And it was just as crap as the beginning)