Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. I am merely torturing the boys-
especially Wufei again- for a while. Also, I do not own Hazard County or
any of it's colorful residents. Resemblance to any conversations from Pulp
Fiction, Princess Bride or Big Trouble are purely intentional.
" . . . go out and catch those blasted Duke Boys," Quatre hollered waving a turkey leg menacingly at Trowa.
"Why are you threatening me with the severed limb of some poor fowl?" Trowa asked.
Quatre looked at the drumstick and flushed slightly, "Sorry Trowa, I don't know what came over me . . . or . . . my . . . eating habits?"
Spread out over his entire desk was a meal fit to feed a squad of Leo pilots, and their tech support. The leg he was holding had apparently been torn from the large roasted fowl in front of him. Platters of ham, potatoes and bread were interspersed with various fried foods that he could not readily identify.
"Well then, do you mind if I share with you?" Trowa asked reaching for Quatre's feast.
Trowa's hand was bludgeoned away from the feast by a deft blow with Quatre's drum stick. Trowa snatched back his hand with a hurt look.
"If you don't want to share just say so," Trowa sniffled, "Don't flog me with your meat."
Quatre's face went pale, "Trowa . . . I'm so sorry . . . I don't know what's come over me . . . I just need you to . . . "
At that moment a car horn blared out the opening to Dixieland and Quatre's face twisted in a look of utter insanity.
" . . . Destroy all my enemies." Quatre glared in Zero Mode. "Are you my enemy?"
Trowa took a step back, "OK man, you can have all the food, I wasn't that hungry anyway."
Quatre advanced, his eyes narrowing to slits, "Where is my enemy? I must . . . . "
The horn blared to life once again causing Trowa to jump.
" . . . Beg of you to please forgive me," Quatre said with a sincere look of apology on his face."
Trowa took a second step back, "All is forgiven. Please don't kill me. I'm really not that hungry."
"Oh well," Quatre shrugged tearing off a large bite from his drum stick and chewing noisily. "If you're sure. Any idea where we are?"
As if on cue, a disembodied voice with a soft southern twang came forth from nowhere.
"Welcome to Hazard County, home to moon shiners, fast cars and inept policing practices. This small town is run by the Winner family, and at the head of the family is Quatre, but folks around here just call him Boss Hog. He and Sheriff Roscoe Trowa Barton are planning out their latest trap for our heroes, those lovable Duke boys Duo and Heero Duke."
"Oh, where are they?" Quatre calmly asked the disembodied voice.
"You can't just ask the narrator where to find the heroes of the show!" Trowa snorted.
"Why not?" Quatre shrugged, taking another bite of turkey. "He answered my last question about where we are."
Trowa buried his face in his hands, and shook his head. "That was merely a fortuitous coincidence. You can't expect some disembodied voice to come in and answer all of your questions. That's just . . . . Well that's just plain silly!"
"I'm waiting," Quatre said tapping his foot impatiently.
As if on cue, the narrator's voice once more rings out throughout the heavens as the scene freezes. "Just a few blocks away, the Duke boys are having a little disagreement."
"I don't care if it was one of your favorite shows," Heero growled, "the answer is still no!"
"Why not?" Duo demanded. "I'm as good a pilot as you."
"Whose number is on the driver's side?" Heero demanded flatly.
"That's irrelevant," Duo shot back, "both brothers drove it during the show."
"Whose number?"
"But Heero . . . " Duo whined
Heero just tapped his foot and gave Duo his death glare.
"01," Duo conceded. "But the car is called the General Lee, not Wing Zero."
Right at that moment, a white Jeep pulled up with a gold eagle on the hood. The driver swung out a long leg that stopped the argument, as well as passing traffic. Their eyes followed the slender line of the leg up to a pair of tight fitting "Daisy Dukes." She wore a pink flannel shirt with rolled sleeves and shirttails that were tied in a knot just below the driver's bust line.
"I would appreciate it if you would look me in the eye," Wufei said indignantly as he hopped out of the car, "I am more then just a pair of breasts you know."
Heero snapped his gaze up to meet Wufei's, "Chang, good to see you again."
"Yeah," Duo sighed, still focused on Wufei's chest. "I think it's really nice to see you two."
"Maxwell, cease and desist your ogling this instant or I will bitch slap you into next Tuesday!" Wufei shouted angrily.
Duo rolled his eyes before meeting Wufei's glare, "You seem pretty damn moody Woofie, are you having a visit from Aunt Flo?"
"I don't have an Aunt named Flo, Maxwell," Wufei snapped irritably. "If you must know I am having the most abysmal abdominal cramping right now. It must be from all this stupid inner-dimensional transportation we've been doing."
Duo's grin widened as he started to open his mouth but a glare from Heero silenced him. Heero turned a sympathetic smile towards Wufei. "I can see a corner drug store just down the street. Perhaps you can find something to aid your . . . discomfort, there. We will follow you and make certain that you are not left alone again."
Wufei's eyes misted slightly and he nodded, "Thank you for caring Heero, you're a real prince."
"It's my pleasure Fei -chan," Heero said patting the other's cheek lightly with his hand.
Wufei gave Heero a quick hug and then quickly climbed into the jeep and headed for the corner drug store. Heero reached for the handle of his door when a small gasp stopped him mid-way.
"What are you doing Heero?" Duo asked in shock.
"I'm preparing to enter the car so we can follow Wufei," he snorted matter- of-factly.
"That is not the way the Duke boys get into the General Lee," Duo said with disdain.
"All right," Heero said in his best 'I'll humor you this time' tone, "How do the Duke boys get in the General Lee?"
"Slip in like this, it's faster," Duo proclaimed sliding in through the open window.
Heero shrugged and slid through the window like his partner. A small smile crossed his lips, it might not be the proper way to enter a vehicle, but it sure was more fun then the conventional way. The car roared to life and tore off after Wufei's Jeep. Duo reached out to toot the horn and was stopped by a glare from Heero.
What did I tell you about that?" Heero growled.
Duo threw Heero his best pout, "You said if I hit the horn again you'll remove it from the car in such a manner that it would never operate like a horn ever again."
"While the Duke boys go off in search of some 'southern comfort' for their cousin Woofy Duke, Boss Hog has come up with a brilliant plan to catch the Duke boys once and for all." The Narrator offers cheerfully, cutting the scene back to city hall.
"I have a brilliant plan to catch the Duke boys," Quatre said with a bright gleam in his eye.
"Finally," Trowa sighed with relief, "the old Quatre I know and love is back. So what is this plan you've conjured up?"
"I don't know," Quatre said in an annoyed tone.
"But you just said you had one," Trowa said confused.
"That's because the Narrator said I had one," Quatre gave Trowa a 'well duh' stare. "Did you miss the whole speech where he said I had come up with a brilliant plan?"
Trowa pushed his Smoky the Bear hat up on his head some so that he could get a good rub on his temples. This dimension had addled his lover's brain, and turned him into a pea-brained, food swilling, egotistical blockhead that couldn't come up with an original thought without someone giving it to him first. If they were ever to find the others, he would have to come up with a plan for Quatre to take credit for. He took a deep breath, righted his cap and offered Quatre his best smile.
"I'm sorry, Quatre," he smiled, "You must have meant the plan you had just outlined to me right before the narrator announced you had one."
"That was the very plan I was talking about," Quatre said proudly, and then he paused a little uncertainly before continuing. "I bet you can't even remember what it was I told you."
"Well, I certainly don't have the brain power you have, but I do remember that it had something to do with me getting in my squad car, and you getting in your white caddie convertible, and us chasing them down and trapping them somewhere in town before they can reach the open roads and escape," Trowa said gasping for breath at the end of his incredibly long sentence.
"And . . ." Quatre said waiting for more.
"We would have to get some kind of bait to keep them in town longer . . . Woofy Duke! Yes, you were going to capture Woofy Duke so that the Duke boys would have to come to you." Trowa said on the fly. "We were going to catch her as she leaves the drug store and . . . and then you were take her over to the old stables where you would use your car to block the road. I would be hiding nearby and block the other end of the road . . . and then the Duke boys would be trapped!"
Quatre nodded with a smug grin, "See, I knew you would remember if I gave you enough coaxing. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go and catch Duo and Heero Duke!"
Quatre strode out in his white suit, drumstick in hand. Trowa waited until he walked through the door before reaching once more for something to eat. From out of nowhere the bone from the drumstick Quatre had left with smacked the back of his head, knocking his hat to the floor. He rubbed the back of his head and turned to see Quatre standing in the doorway.
"This isn't the time to be eating," Quatre scolded. "We have to catch those damned Dukes before they leave town."
Trowa stooped and picked up his hat, cast one more longing look at the banquet that was growing cold, and then followed Quatre out the door.
"Meanwhile, back at the drug store," the narrator segued helpfully.
"No I don't think we should go in and help Fei, she's a big girl." Heero said gripping the steering wheel in annoyance. "Besides, I don't need the Zero system to see you are just trying to get me out of the driver's seat so you can drive."
"Heero," Duo pouted, "I'm hurt that you think I'm that shallow. Why, I am just concerned about our friend inside."
Heero held a hand up for silence, "How are our relations with the law in this world?
Duo paused before answering, "strained at best, why?"
Heero started the engine and smoked the tires as he sped off down the street. He was silent as he took a hard left then a fast right in order to confuse the cruiser that had come up behind them at the drug store. Hitting a straightaway, he took a moment to spare a brief glance over at his passenger. Duo had his left hand on the dash and his right hand gripping the doorframe.
"I said strained," Duo chided, "I did not say life threatening."
"Sorry," Heero said, throwing the car into another sliding turn, "But there is something inside of me telling me to . . . to . . . flee to the country roads?"
"Ah," Duo said nodding, "The plot of this world has caught up with us. This show was famous for it's car chases."
Heero slid around another corner and slammed on the breaks. Blocking the other side of the street was a large white convertible. Heero threw it in reverse only to find the other way blocked by a police cruiser. He threw Duo a look.
"What do we do in a situation like this?"
Duo yawned, "Usually we jump something."
"Mission accepted," Heero grunted slamming the car in gear and barreling towards the white caddie.
The bored expression quickly left Duo's face, "Heero, what are you doing?"
Heero said nothing as he mashed the accelerator to the floor. He veered left at the last moment into the open doors of the stables. Chickens scattered as his car gained momentum heading for the near empty hay cart that sat conveniently enough like a ramp over the closed bottom half of the stable doors. The General hit the ramp running and sailed through the open upper half of the doors and out into the open countryside beyond.
"Well folks, that's what we here in Hazard County call a 'Hay-sty' retreat. Back at the pharmacy a rather dazed Woofy Duke has finally emerged from the drugstore." The narrator intoned.
"Injustice," Wufei whispered engrossed in the pamphlet entitled 'Your Body and You: A Guide to Women's Wellness'. "I never knew women had to suffer so much. Men have it so easy! It's no wonder Nataku was so strong, if she had to suffer so for the sake of her sex. Well if she could do it, I will also! Nataku, I will learn to be strong, just like you were."
A tear, streaked Fei's face, followed by another. Soon his face was soaked with tears as he clutched the pamphlet to his ample chest. Fei shot a glare towards the heavens as if daring them to defy his newfound feminine strength. So engrossed was Fei in his posturing, that he failed to notice the large white Caddie pull up in front of him.
"Wow," mouthed Quatre wordlessly, "look at the rack on Wufei!"
Wufei registered Quatre's presence in time to see him silently finishing his statement.
"What did you just say?" Fei snapped, glaring at the blond.
The tone in the others voice snapped Quatre out of his ogling, "Me? I didn't say anything. Did you here me say anything?"
Fei's eyes narrowed to slits as her glare intensified, "No, I didn't 'hear' what you said because I can't read lips, but I did see you mumble something."
"You can't read lips," Quatre sighed in relief, "too bad, it's a useful skill to know."
"Can you read lips?"
"No," Quatre admitted honestly enough, "but I am going to sign up for classes on how just as soon as we get back home."
Wufei started spouting out curses in Chinese, and Quatre took another opportunity to run his eyes up and down Wufei once more. He looked even better in drag then Trowa, Quatre thought inwardly, I wonder if he would consider a three way . . .
"QUATRE RABERBA WINNER!!!!!!!" Wufei scolded angrily. "I thought you out of all the pilots would be different. You keep going on and on about emotions, and how sad this war makes you. But now I see you for who you really are. You're just like all the others. You don't see me as a person, do you? No! To you I'm nothing more then a pillow top mattress with a safety deposit box for your family jewels. Well if you think that just because you have money you can have me, then think again!!!"
Quatre was hunched as low in is seat as he could get. Wufei was going to kill him. As he braced himself for the worst, he hear gentle sobbing coming from Wufei. He carefully cracked open one eye.
"Out of all of you, only Heero saw me as a person. He was the only one who cared how I felt, and made sure I was taken care of. Oh Heero" Fei cried out in a strangely pink tone, "Heero, come save me Heero. Let me stay with you just a little longer until I can get over the loss of Nataku!"
Quatre could not repress a shudder as he finally noticed the pink on Wufei's flannel shirt. Oh, no, it's the color that drove them nuts, he thought frantically. Somehow that one color makes whichever female wearing it obsessed with Heero Yuy. He would have to inform the others later, but first he would use this fact to his advantage.
"Well, if you wanted to see Heero, why didn't you just say so? I'm on my way to meet with him," Quatre offered in his best good old boy tone.
"You're going to see my Heero?" Wufei asked pinkly.
"Yes, but it might be dangerous where I'm going," Quatre offered seriously, "You might want to wait here."
"No! I must go to him, no matter what the danger," Fei swooned, sliding into the back seat of Quatre's caddie.
"As you wish," was all Quatre said, but what he really meant was, I got you!
"Meanwhile out on the dirt roads of Hazard, the duke boys are leading the sheriff on a merry chase."
"Do you know what they call a Royal with Cheese on L2?" Duo asked, from the passenger side of the car.
"Don't they call it a Royal with Cheese?" Heero asked veering hard to the left.
"Hell no," Duo scoffed. "L2 is a poor colony, nothing is royal on it. No they call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese."
"I suppose that's because they are too poor to afford the more current metric system." Heero said rolling his eyes and sending the car into a power slide to the right. "What do they call the Big Mac?"
"Well, since the only thing big on L2 is the deficit, we simply call it the Mac." Duo said seriously.
"Ah" Heero said gunning the engine even harder, "Hang on. Turbulence."
The General Lee soared airborne over a rather deep ravine, landing safely on the other side.
"Was that a gulf?" Duo asked.
"Nah," Heero said calmly, "More like a ditch. Anyway, the sheriff has stopped on the other side so I guess we have some time to make good our getaway. Any ideas were we could go?"
"Well, Uncle Jessie's farm isn't far from here we can hole up there for a while." Duo offered.
"What do you propose we do when we get there?"
"Well," Duo said with a coy grin, "I've always wanted to try out back seat of the General Lee."
"But Duo, we're brothers in this dimension," Heero pointed out.
"Heero, my naive boy, here in the south the only thing that is taboo is sleeping with prize livestock, and selling bad gin," Duo said with a smirk. "Hell, you would have to leave town to find someone to sleep with that wasn't blood kin, and in these parts, that just isn't done."
"Oh," Heero said with a nod. "Very well then. Let's test the back suspension."
"While the Duke boys stop to do a little rear end work with the General Lee in Uncle Jessie's barn, a rather angry sheriff is reporting in at the far side of the ravine the boys jumped not long before."
"This is Ros-coe Trowa Barton calling Boss Hog, Do you read?" Trowa spoke into his C. B.
"Trowa, this is Quatre, I have Fei, were are the others?"
"I lost them at Fisher's Ravine," Trowa said sheepishly.
Wufei spoke up from the back seat, "That's close to Uncle Jessie's ranch! Heero must have gone home to await my return. Oh Heero! I'm coming Heero!!!"
Quatre nodded and spoke into his C B, "Trowa, their hideout is near by, find an alternate route across and meet me at Uncle Jesse's farm. We'll catch them there!"
"Right you are, Boss! Coo coo coo, I love it, I love it," Trowa gushed.
"Well it didn't take long before Trowa and Quatre reached the farm, leaving our heroes trapped inside their barn. I don't know about you folks, but right about now I wouldn't want to be in their shoes, or any other part of their clothing for that matter." The narrator chuckled.
"Heero," Wufei cried out pinkly, "Heero come save me!"
Both boys froze at that tone. There was no way she could be here! She was in an alternate dimension, wasn't she? The boys exchanged horrified glances at each other and sat up from the back seat.
"That can't be who that sounds like, can it?" Heero asked, a slight tremble in his voice.
"Heero my man," Duo responded, "I think the two of us are both in deep . . . "
Stay tuned next Friday when Heero says, "Who knew being sandwiched between two women could be this stimulating?"
" . . . go out and catch those blasted Duke Boys," Quatre hollered waving a turkey leg menacingly at Trowa.
"Why are you threatening me with the severed limb of some poor fowl?" Trowa asked.
Quatre looked at the drumstick and flushed slightly, "Sorry Trowa, I don't know what came over me . . . or . . . my . . . eating habits?"
Spread out over his entire desk was a meal fit to feed a squad of Leo pilots, and their tech support. The leg he was holding had apparently been torn from the large roasted fowl in front of him. Platters of ham, potatoes and bread were interspersed with various fried foods that he could not readily identify.
"Well then, do you mind if I share with you?" Trowa asked reaching for Quatre's feast.
Trowa's hand was bludgeoned away from the feast by a deft blow with Quatre's drum stick. Trowa snatched back his hand with a hurt look.
"If you don't want to share just say so," Trowa sniffled, "Don't flog me with your meat."
Quatre's face went pale, "Trowa . . . I'm so sorry . . . I don't know what's come over me . . . I just need you to . . . "
At that moment a car horn blared out the opening to Dixieland and Quatre's face twisted in a look of utter insanity.
" . . . Destroy all my enemies." Quatre glared in Zero Mode. "Are you my enemy?"
Trowa took a step back, "OK man, you can have all the food, I wasn't that hungry anyway."
Quatre advanced, his eyes narrowing to slits, "Where is my enemy? I must . . . . "
The horn blared to life once again causing Trowa to jump.
" . . . Beg of you to please forgive me," Quatre said with a sincere look of apology on his face."
Trowa took a second step back, "All is forgiven. Please don't kill me. I'm really not that hungry."
"Oh well," Quatre shrugged tearing off a large bite from his drum stick and chewing noisily. "If you're sure. Any idea where we are?"
As if on cue, a disembodied voice with a soft southern twang came forth from nowhere.
"Welcome to Hazard County, home to moon shiners, fast cars and inept policing practices. This small town is run by the Winner family, and at the head of the family is Quatre, but folks around here just call him Boss Hog. He and Sheriff Roscoe Trowa Barton are planning out their latest trap for our heroes, those lovable Duke boys Duo and Heero Duke."
"Oh, where are they?" Quatre calmly asked the disembodied voice.
"You can't just ask the narrator where to find the heroes of the show!" Trowa snorted.
"Why not?" Quatre shrugged, taking another bite of turkey. "He answered my last question about where we are."
Trowa buried his face in his hands, and shook his head. "That was merely a fortuitous coincidence. You can't expect some disembodied voice to come in and answer all of your questions. That's just . . . . Well that's just plain silly!"
"I'm waiting," Quatre said tapping his foot impatiently.
As if on cue, the narrator's voice once more rings out throughout the heavens as the scene freezes. "Just a few blocks away, the Duke boys are having a little disagreement."
"I don't care if it was one of your favorite shows," Heero growled, "the answer is still no!"
"Why not?" Duo demanded. "I'm as good a pilot as you."
"Whose number is on the driver's side?" Heero demanded flatly.
"That's irrelevant," Duo shot back, "both brothers drove it during the show."
"Whose number?"
"But Heero . . . " Duo whined
Heero just tapped his foot and gave Duo his death glare.
"01," Duo conceded. "But the car is called the General Lee, not Wing Zero."
Right at that moment, a white Jeep pulled up with a gold eagle on the hood. The driver swung out a long leg that stopped the argument, as well as passing traffic. Their eyes followed the slender line of the leg up to a pair of tight fitting "Daisy Dukes." She wore a pink flannel shirt with rolled sleeves and shirttails that were tied in a knot just below the driver's bust line.
"I would appreciate it if you would look me in the eye," Wufei said indignantly as he hopped out of the car, "I am more then just a pair of breasts you know."
Heero snapped his gaze up to meet Wufei's, "Chang, good to see you again."
"Yeah," Duo sighed, still focused on Wufei's chest. "I think it's really nice to see you two."
"Maxwell, cease and desist your ogling this instant or I will bitch slap you into next Tuesday!" Wufei shouted angrily.
Duo rolled his eyes before meeting Wufei's glare, "You seem pretty damn moody Woofie, are you having a visit from Aunt Flo?"
"I don't have an Aunt named Flo, Maxwell," Wufei snapped irritably. "If you must know I am having the most abysmal abdominal cramping right now. It must be from all this stupid inner-dimensional transportation we've been doing."
Duo's grin widened as he started to open his mouth but a glare from Heero silenced him. Heero turned a sympathetic smile towards Wufei. "I can see a corner drug store just down the street. Perhaps you can find something to aid your . . . discomfort, there. We will follow you and make certain that you are not left alone again."
Wufei's eyes misted slightly and he nodded, "Thank you for caring Heero, you're a real prince."
"It's my pleasure Fei -chan," Heero said patting the other's cheek lightly with his hand.
Wufei gave Heero a quick hug and then quickly climbed into the jeep and headed for the corner drug store. Heero reached for the handle of his door when a small gasp stopped him mid-way.
"What are you doing Heero?" Duo asked in shock.
"I'm preparing to enter the car so we can follow Wufei," he snorted matter- of-factly.
"That is not the way the Duke boys get into the General Lee," Duo said with disdain.
"All right," Heero said in his best 'I'll humor you this time' tone, "How do the Duke boys get in the General Lee?"
"Slip in like this, it's faster," Duo proclaimed sliding in through the open window.
Heero shrugged and slid through the window like his partner. A small smile crossed his lips, it might not be the proper way to enter a vehicle, but it sure was more fun then the conventional way. The car roared to life and tore off after Wufei's Jeep. Duo reached out to toot the horn and was stopped by a glare from Heero.
What did I tell you about that?" Heero growled.
Duo threw Heero his best pout, "You said if I hit the horn again you'll remove it from the car in such a manner that it would never operate like a horn ever again."
"While the Duke boys go off in search of some 'southern comfort' for their cousin Woofy Duke, Boss Hog has come up with a brilliant plan to catch the Duke boys once and for all." The Narrator offers cheerfully, cutting the scene back to city hall.
"I have a brilliant plan to catch the Duke boys," Quatre said with a bright gleam in his eye.
"Finally," Trowa sighed with relief, "the old Quatre I know and love is back. So what is this plan you've conjured up?"
"I don't know," Quatre said in an annoyed tone.
"But you just said you had one," Trowa said confused.
"That's because the Narrator said I had one," Quatre gave Trowa a 'well duh' stare. "Did you miss the whole speech where he said I had come up with a brilliant plan?"
Trowa pushed his Smoky the Bear hat up on his head some so that he could get a good rub on his temples. This dimension had addled his lover's brain, and turned him into a pea-brained, food swilling, egotistical blockhead that couldn't come up with an original thought without someone giving it to him first. If they were ever to find the others, he would have to come up with a plan for Quatre to take credit for. He took a deep breath, righted his cap and offered Quatre his best smile.
"I'm sorry, Quatre," he smiled, "You must have meant the plan you had just outlined to me right before the narrator announced you had one."
"That was the very plan I was talking about," Quatre said proudly, and then he paused a little uncertainly before continuing. "I bet you can't even remember what it was I told you."
"Well, I certainly don't have the brain power you have, but I do remember that it had something to do with me getting in my squad car, and you getting in your white caddie convertible, and us chasing them down and trapping them somewhere in town before they can reach the open roads and escape," Trowa said gasping for breath at the end of his incredibly long sentence.
"And . . ." Quatre said waiting for more.
"We would have to get some kind of bait to keep them in town longer . . . Woofy Duke! Yes, you were going to capture Woofy Duke so that the Duke boys would have to come to you." Trowa said on the fly. "We were going to catch her as she leaves the drug store and . . . and then you were take her over to the old stables where you would use your car to block the road. I would be hiding nearby and block the other end of the road . . . and then the Duke boys would be trapped!"
Quatre nodded with a smug grin, "See, I knew you would remember if I gave you enough coaxing. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go and catch Duo and Heero Duke!"
Quatre strode out in his white suit, drumstick in hand. Trowa waited until he walked through the door before reaching once more for something to eat. From out of nowhere the bone from the drumstick Quatre had left with smacked the back of his head, knocking his hat to the floor. He rubbed the back of his head and turned to see Quatre standing in the doorway.
"This isn't the time to be eating," Quatre scolded. "We have to catch those damned Dukes before they leave town."
Trowa stooped and picked up his hat, cast one more longing look at the banquet that was growing cold, and then followed Quatre out the door.
"Meanwhile, back at the drug store," the narrator segued helpfully.
"No I don't think we should go in and help Fei, she's a big girl." Heero said gripping the steering wheel in annoyance. "Besides, I don't need the Zero system to see you are just trying to get me out of the driver's seat so you can drive."
"Heero," Duo pouted, "I'm hurt that you think I'm that shallow. Why, I am just concerned about our friend inside."
Heero held a hand up for silence, "How are our relations with the law in this world?
Duo paused before answering, "strained at best, why?"
Heero started the engine and smoked the tires as he sped off down the street. He was silent as he took a hard left then a fast right in order to confuse the cruiser that had come up behind them at the drug store. Hitting a straightaway, he took a moment to spare a brief glance over at his passenger. Duo had his left hand on the dash and his right hand gripping the doorframe.
"I said strained," Duo chided, "I did not say life threatening."
"Sorry," Heero said, throwing the car into another sliding turn, "But there is something inside of me telling me to . . . to . . . flee to the country roads?"
"Ah," Duo said nodding, "The plot of this world has caught up with us. This show was famous for it's car chases."
Heero slid around another corner and slammed on the breaks. Blocking the other side of the street was a large white convertible. Heero threw it in reverse only to find the other way blocked by a police cruiser. He threw Duo a look.
"What do we do in a situation like this?"
Duo yawned, "Usually we jump something."
"Mission accepted," Heero grunted slamming the car in gear and barreling towards the white caddie.
The bored expression quickly left Duo's face, "Heero, what are you doing?"
Heero said nothing as he mashed the accelerator to the floor. He veered left at the last moment into the open doors of the stables. Chickens scattered as his car gained momentum heading for the near empty hay cart that sat conveniently enough like a ramp over the closed bottom half of the stable doors. The General hit the ramp running and sailed through the open upper half of the doors and out into the open countryside beyond.
"Well folks, that's what we here in Hazard County call a 'Hay-sty' retreat. Back at the pharmacy a rather dazed Woofy Duke has finally emerged from the drugstore." The narrator intoned.
"Injustice," Wufei whispered engrossed in the pamphlet entitled 'Your Body and You: A Guide to Women's Wellness'. "I never knew women had to suffer so much. Men have it so easy! It's no wonder Nataku was so strong, if she had to suffer so for the sake of her sex. Well if she could do it, I will also! Nataku, I will learn to be strong, just like you were."
A tear, streaked Fei's face, followed by another. Soon his face was soaked with tears as he clutched the pamphlet to his ample chest. Fei shot a glare towards the heavens as if daring them to defy his newfound feminine strength. So engrossed was Fei in his posturing, that he failed to notice the large white Caddie pull up in front of him.
"Wow," mouthed Quatre wordlessly, "look at the rack on Wufei!"
Wufei registered Quatre's presence in time to see him silently finishing his statement.
"What did you just say?" Fei snapped, glaring at the blond.
The tone in the others voice snapped Quatre out of his ogling, "Me? I didn't say anything. Did you here me say anything?"
Fei's eyes narrowed to slits as her glare intensified, "No, I didn't 'hear' what you said because I can't read lips, but I did see you mumble something."
"You can't read lips," Quatre sighed in relief, "too bad, it's a useful skill to know."
"Can you read lips?"
"No," Quatre admitted honestly enough, "but I am going to sign up for classes on how just as soon as we get back home."
Wufei started spouting out curses in Chinese, and Quatre took another opportunity to run his eyes up and down Wufei once more. He looked even better in drag then Trowa, Quatre thought inwardly, I wonder if he would consider a three way . . .
"QUATRE RABERBA WINNER!!!!!!!" Wufei scolded angrily. "I thought you out of all the pilots would be different. You keep going on and on about emotions, and how sad this war makes you. But now I see you for who you really are. You're just like all the others. You don't see me as a person, do you? No! To you I'm nothing more then a pillow top mattress with a safety deposit box for your family jewels. Well if you think that just because you have money you can have me, then think again!!!"
Quatre was hunched as low in is seat as he could get. Wufei was going to kill him. As he braced himself for the worst, he hear gentle sobbing coming from Wufei. He carefully cracked open one eye.
"Out of all of you, only Heero saw me as a person. He was the only one who cared how I felt, and made sure I was taken care of. Oh Heero" Fei cried out in a strangely pink tone, "Heero, come save me Heero. Let me stay with you just a little longer until I can get over the loss of Nataku!"
Quatre could not repress a shudder as he finally noticed the pink on Wufei's flannel shirt. Oh, no, it's the color that drove them nuts, he thought frantically. Somehow that one color makes whichever female wearing it obsessed with Heero Yuy. He would have to inform the others later, but first he would use this fact to his advantage.
"Well, if you wanted to see Heero, why didn't you just say so? I'm on my way to meet with him," Quatre offered in his best good old boy tone.
"You're going to see my Heero?" Wufei asked pinkly.
"Yes, but it might be dangerous where I'm going," Quatre offered seriously, "You might want to wait here."
"No! I must go to him, no matter what the danger," Fei swooned, sliding into the back seat of Quatre's caddie.
"As you wish," was all Quatre said, but what he really meant was, I got you!
"Meanwhile out on the dirt roads of Hazard, the duke boys are leading the sheriff on a merry chase."
"Do you know what they call a Royal with Cheese on L2?" Duo asked, from the passenger side of the car.
"Don't they call it a Royal with Cheese?" Heero asked veering hard to the left.
"Hell no," Duo scoffed. "L2 is a poor colony, nothing is royal on it. No they call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese."
"I suppose that's because they are too poor to afford the more current metric system." Heero said rolling his eyes and sending the car into a power slide to the right. "What do they call the Big Mac?"
"Well, since the only thing big on L2 is the deficit, we simply call it the Mac." Duo said seriously.
"Ah" Heero said gunning the engine even harder, "Hang on. Turbulence."
The General Lee soared airborne over a rather deep ravine, landing safely on the other side.
"Was that a gulf?" Duo asked.
"Nah," Heero said calmly, "More like a ditch. Anyway, the sheriff has stopped on the other side so I guess we have some time to make good our getaway. Any ideas were we could go?"
"Well, Uncle Jessie's farm isn't far from here we can hole up there for a while." Duo offered.
"What do you propose we do when we get there?"
"Well," Duo said with a coy grin, "I've always wanted to try out back seat of the General Lee."
"But Duo, we're brothers in this dimension," Heero pointed out.
"Heero, my naive boy, here in the south the only thing that is taboo is sleeping with prize livestock, and selling bad gin," Duo said with a smirk. "Hell, you would have to leave town to find someone to sleep with that wasn't blood kin, and in these parts, that just isn't done."
"Oh," Heero said with a nod. "Very well then. Let's test the back suspension."
"While the Duke boys stop to do a little rear end work with the General Lee in Uncle Jessie's barn, a rather angry sheriff is reporting in at the far side of the ravine the boys jumped not long before."
"This is Ros-coe Trowa Barton calling Boss Hog, Do you read?" Trowa spoke into his C. B.
"Trowa, this is Quatre, I have Fei, were are the others?"
"I lost them at Fisher's Ravine," Trowa said sheepishly.
Wufei spoke up from the back seat, "That's close to Uncle Jessie's ranch! Heero must have gone home to await my return. Oh Heero! I'm coming Heero!!!"
Quatre nodded and spoke into his C B, "Trowa, their hideout is near by, find an alternate route across and meet me at Uncle Jesse's farm. We'll catch them there!"
"Right you are, Boss! Coo coo coo, I love it, I love it," Trowa gushed.
"Well it didn't take long before Trowa and Quatre reached the farm, leaving our heroes trapped inside their barn. I don't know about you folks, but right about now I wouldn't want to be in their shoes, or any other part of their clothing for that matter." The narrator chuckled.
"Heero," Wufei cried out pinkly, "Heero come save me!"
Both boys froze at that tone. There was no way she could be here! She was in an alternate dimension, wasn't she? The boys exchanged horrified glances at each other and sat up from the back seat.
"That can't be who that sounds like, can it?" Heero asked, a slight tremble in his voice.
"Heero my man," Duo responded, "I think the two of us are both in deep . . . "
Stay tuned next Friday when Heero says, "Who knew being sandwiched between two women could be this stimulating?"