Disclaimer: Gundam Wing does not belong to me. Neither does Charlie's
Angels.
Any resemblance to: Evil Dead, The Wizard of Oz, The Pink Panther, The
Princess Bride and the song "Holding Out for a Hero" from Footloose, is
totally intentional. I don't own any of those either.
Charlie's Angels
" . . . sheep are dumb," Duo said disdainfully, "and so is anyone who thinks anything made from their wool is fashionable."
"Look who's talking, it's the queen of rayon and polyester, " Trowa sniped back. "At least I'm wearing something classic, and not something recycled!"
"You both realize that we have changed worlds again don't you?" Heero offered.
The two stopped bickering and quickly took stock of the situation. Duo eyed the room and then looked for a mirror. Unfortunately, Trowa found the mirror first.
"My god," Trowa shouted, "I'm a total hottie!!!! Would you look at the way this silk blouse outlines my curves, whilst this wool tweed skirt really shows off my assets. Wufei has nothing on me!!!"
Duo shoved the narcissistic Trowa aside and checked himself out. "Let's see, black midriff top, black stretch Capri's, and black pumps. Nothing out of the ordinary here,"
"Unless you take into account that you are a woman," Heero pointed out.
Duo paused briefly, and then shrugged, "You always were curious what it would be like to make it with a woman, well, now here is your chance."
"One problem," Heero said, standing. "I'm a woman too."
Heero was dressed in a green jogging bra, black spandex bicycle shorts, and a cute pair of yellow running shoes.
"Mmmm, maybe a little girl on girl action eh?" Duo smiled suggestively. "We could get a good feel for how the other side lives."
"Damn I'm fine," Trowa interjected, bending over in front of the mirror to do a panty line test. "I mean, I knew I looked good when I dragged up for Quatre, but falsies are no substitute for the real thing. Oh if only my little sheik could see me now I'd show him how the dance of the seven veils is really done."
Both Heero and Duo stared in open surprise at the preening Trowa.
"I think I just learned more about Trowa and Quatre's private life in that last burst of dialogue, then I've known since I met them at the start of the war," Duo said in open amazement.
Heero shrugged, "It's always the quiet ones that are kinkiest."
"Don't I know it!" Duo smirked.
At that moment, the small phone speaker box on the table came to life.
"Good morning Angels," came Quatre's pleasant tone.
"Good morning Quatre," the trio called back in unison.
"I suppose you are all wondering where I am today?"
"Not really," Heero answered truthfully.
"I have to agree with Heero," Duo chimed in.
"You better not be with Wufei," Trowa scolded wagging his finger at the speaker. "If you are, I'm not going to share my luscious bod with you."
" . . . . . ." Quatre replied. "Err, Trowa, can we take up this discussion later, in private?"
"So you are with Wufei!!!" Trowa shouted scooping up the speaker. "Well you tell that self righteous little slut that Trowa Barton is coming over to bitch slap him back to Genghis Khan's Mongol Empire."
"A bit overprotective isn't he?" Heero asked Duo.
"I don't know, He kind of reminds me of a perfect solder I know."
"I'm not that bad," Heero protested.
"No?" Duo asked. "What about the time Millardo Peacecraft danced with me at Relena's party? The poor man had to go around pretending to be Zechs Marquis again for weeks afterward just to hide the shiner you gave him."
"He was fondling you," Heero huffed. "I was just protecting your honor!"
"It was ball room dancing," Duo sighed, as if rehashing an old argument. "He was supposed to put one hand on my hip."
"Hip, yes, but I saw where it was starting to slide to!"
"Girls!" Came Quatre's soothing voice from over the speaker. "We have a more urgent matter to attend to. Wufei has been abducted!!!"
Elsewhere, in a holding cell . . . .
"Heero . . ." Wufei called weakly as his conciseness returned, " . . . come save me Heero!"
"He iz holding out for za Heero," a voice with a bad French accent said with a hint of sarcasm.
"But only 'till ze end of ze night," chimed in voice number 2- also with an atrocious French accent.
"He'z got to be strong . . " 1 mused.
" . . . and he'd have to be fast . . ." 2 added.
" . . . definitely ready to fight!" one finished with mock seriousness.
Wufei sat up and shot a glare at the two men. "Where am I?"
"Ah, ze sleeping beauty, he speaks," goon 1 smirked.
"Should we tell him hiz Heero hasn't arrived yet?" chuckled goon 2.
"Non," 1 replied, "old twinkle toes might have anothzer case of the vaporz and faint again."
Wufei's face reddened as he stood, "Insolent curs, I will show you the true meaning of justice."
"Did you bring in a dictionary?" Goon 1 asked goon 2
"Non," 2 replied unfazed, "I don't usually carry one on me. It iz too heavy. "
"Infidels!" Wufei cried out, his blood boiling. "I will crush you both!"
Goon 1 rolled his eyes, "Oui, and how do you propose to do zat, with some kind of Kung-fu, ma petit chou?"
Wufei had enough banter. Letting out his fiercest war cry, he lunged for the two men who stared at him in disbelief. His lunge carried him face first to the floor with an embarrassingly loud crash.
"More like Kung-OOPS," goon 2 snickered.
"Lets go get our little friend Kato hiz breakfast before he does any real damage to himself." Goon 1 snickered.
Meanwhile back at Angels Headquarters . . .
" . . . don't keep feeding me these kidnapping lines," Trowa yelled at the speaker shaking it violently. "I saw how you were ogling him in the last two worlds. And you two," Trowa snapped at Heero and Duo. "Get a room! I'm tired of hearing the two of you jump each other. This is a private phone call, and I'd like a little privacy!!!"
"Jeez," Duo huffed, "I thought this was a de-briefing."
"Oh no," Heero chided his half clothed partner, "Quatre would never de- brief us in front of Trowa."
"Alas, and I was having so much fun too," Duo sighed
"I was too until little miss over-protective - whom I'm nothing like - got it in her head that her Arabian Prince was adding to his harem." Heero added.
"Enough!!!!" Quatre's voice commanded. "Trowa - I am not with Wufei!! I'm on some lonely beach out in the god-forsaken tulles with nothing to do. Duo - you and Heero had better not be too de-briefed because we have got to go and save Wufei!!"
"Yeah, save him from you maybe," Trowa moped.
"TROWA!!!" Barked Quatre in a tone of total authority. "If you do not stop this little snit fit right now, my little clown, I will take your allowance away and you know what that means don't you?"
"Scary!" Duo yelped clinging to Heero's left side.
"Well . . . do you?" Quatre commanded.
"Yes," said Trowa in a small voice.
"That means no more extra rations for your precious lions, no more shopping trips for 'costumes,' no more anything! You got that! Now I swear, the next one of you drama queens interrupts me. . . YYYYAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!"
Trowa latched onto Heero's right side.
"Who knew being sandwiched between two women could be this stimulating?" Heero smirked. "OK Quatre, you all of our undivided attention. Please go on with the briefing."
Back in Wufei's cell . . . .
"You call this garbage food!" Wufei hollered through the door. "I wouldn't even feed this slop to Maxwell!!!"
Silence was the only sound that greeted him from the other side of the door. His captors had left. Wufei looked down at the food tray once again and grimaced. The bowl held a rather watery porridge that looked like it was going bad. Next to it was some rather stale bread and a glass of rust colored water. Prisoner's fare. Wufei picked up his tray and started towards the small table that was just a few feet away. Three steps, that was all he took before his body betrayed him again. He collapsed in a heap, the tray landing on top of him
"Gravity is a harsh mistress," Wufei complained miserably.
He slowly regained his feet as the sound of running feet brought drew his eyes back to the door. It flew open and the two goons looked Wufei over and shook their heads.
"Look mor-on, le toilet iz oh-ver there," goon 1 snorted. "Next time use it instead of just wetting yourself!"
Wufei paused at that comment, and looked down at crotch of his pants. Sure enough, there was a large wet spot there still dripping water.
"And ze porridge was your breakfast, not a shampoo," goon 2 said shaking his head.
His hand patted the top of his head and felt the damp mush on the top of his head.
"Do I even want to know why the baguette iz wedged in ze back of your trousers?" goon 1 asked mockingly.
Fei flushed a deep crimson as his hands hastily reached around and patted his back side.
"Clumsy and gullible," goon 2 chuckled, "zis poor guy couldn't catch a break if one was handed to him."
"I will not listen to anymore of this vulgar slander!" Wufei growled the flush from his embarrassment fading. "When whatever drug you have given me wears off, I will kill both of you."
"Drugs?" One asked. "We don't need no stinking drugs!"
"Well speak for yourself," Two interjected. "I could go for some pain medication - it'z an old back injury that flares up now and again."
"You make a very valid point, mon ami, allow me to modify my previous statement." goon 1 said diplomatically. "We 'didn't' need 'any' stinking drugs to subdue you."
"Lies!" Wufei growled. "I am a trained martial artist. I have killed countless men with my skill!"
"Maybe he banged hiz head harder zen we thought," 2 said, a note of concern in his voice.
"Non, our little friend Kato here haz been claiming to be Bruce Lee evher since he woke up. We are going to leave you for a while 'killer,' please try to go easy on ze martial arts, I don't think the floor can take much more punishment."
Later, outside the fortified castle that holds Wufei captive . . .
"Are you certain that it's absolutely necessary for me to wear this outfit?" Heero asked again.
"Oh most definitely," Duo grinned, "It is the absolute latest in crime fighter chic. Besides I thought you liked spandex?"
"I have no qualms about the white spandex pants, it's this rather transparent lace top that I'm concerned about."
"If you are wearing a clean bra," Duo stated flatly, "I don't see a problem."
"This is pay-back for all the times I had you dress up, isn't it?" Heero asked.
"Yep!" Duo grinned, "Besides, it's a well known fact that you should take advantage of every asset you have to win a fight!"
"How is this going to help me win a fight"?
"I know it would distract me!" Duo offered.
"Well, now that we are here, any suggestions on how we get in?" queried Heero.
"Leave it to me," Trowa said flipping his bangs fetchingly, "and my feminine wiles."
"Bye, bye Trowa," Duo said.
"Have fun storming the castle," Heero added, then he turned and spoke softly to Duo. "Do you think it will work?"
"It would take a miracle," Duo sighed, "Trowa has few masculine wiles, and he's been a man most of his life."
"True," Heero sighed. "Well we will just have to hope Quatre has rubbed off on him - culturally that is."
"Nice save" Duo smiled
Undaunted, Trowa strode up to the door of the castle. The small hand painted sign said "Doorbell Broken, Please Knock." Trowa shrugged and rapped daintily on the door. A small hatch opened and a man's face peered out.
"Oui," the doorman said in a bad French accent. "May I help you ma petite?"
Trowa took a deep breath inflating his chest, "Oh I certainly hope so kind sir. I'm here to see the Wufei, the Wufei that was captured by Oz!"
"No one sees ze Wufei," the man squeaked, "Not no body, not no how!!"
With that he slammed the little door and Trowa felt himself deflate.
"Well, that was anti-climatic," Heero snorted.
"Hey, that's Quatre's line," scoffed Duo.
"You are absolutely right," Heero smirked. "My humble apologies. Of course, this still leaves us with a dilemma on how to get inside."
"Na," said Duo, "I have a plan. Just follow my lead Heero."
"Duo with a plan?" Heero scoffed, "Will miracles never cease?"
Duo strolled up to the door and with a three deft raps, wedged a sliver of wood in between the little door and it's frame. When the small viewing port wouldn't open, the doorman was forced to open the main door to see who was waiting outside.
"May I be of service?" he asked noisily.
"Why yes my good man," Duo replied with a bad Scottish accent. "I'm the lady Moiria Mctaggert. Ma loovly assistant and I 'ave come all the way from Scotland to come and view the tapestries."
The doorman looked confused, "Tapestries?"
"Good gods man," Duo bellowed, "This is a castle isn't it? It has tapestries?"
"It iz a very fine castle, and we have many tapestries, but if you are a Scottish lady then I am Jerry Lewis!"
"How dare he," Duo said in mock rage shoving the door wide open. "How dare he?"
Duo took a swing, but the doorman had already taken a step away from the door grabbing a long Baguette from off of the table.
"Now I shall show you ze true meaning of le pain," he said and began an intricate dance of death, swinging the bread like a saber.
A lone gunshot broke the silence, "Only the French would bring bread to a gunfight."
"Heero," Duo asked with a shocked look on his face, "Where did you pull that gun from? That outfit looks practically painted on you. There is no way you could have stashed that gun on your person."
Heero shrugged, "A girl has to have her little secrets. Come Tr-o-wa, we're off to save Wufei!"
Some time later . . .
"Do you think it could be this one?" Duo asked with a sigh.
"Well it certainly wasn't the last one," Heero sighed, "I mean who would keep a man in an iron mask locked up like that?"
"You mean other than Treize?" asked Duo.
"Point," Heero conceded. "I wonder were Trowa has gotten off to."
"Oh, he was dealing with something . . . ugly,"
"Ah . . ." Heero nodded, more to humor Duo then with any real understanding. "Well then, lets see what's behind the green door.
They drew the bolt and threw open the door.
"Judgment is upon you," cried Wufei leaping from his bed and falling face first in front of the pair clutching the stale bread.
"Yours I believe," Duo said pointing at the stunned Fei.
Heero sighed and turned the fallen comrade over, "Fei, if you are still conscious say something."
". . . ." Wufei's lips were moving, but no sound emerged.
"He's fine," Heero pronounced.
"How do you know?" Duo asked. "Can you read lips?"
"Yes,," Heero stated, "It is a quite useful skill."
"Oh yeah, then what did he say?"
"He said, 'Injustice, I will kill you all just as soon as I can feel my face again.,' or words to that effect."
"Arrggg," came Trowa's anguished cry from down the hall. "If you touch my tushie once again, so help me I will kick the ever living . . . . ."
Stay tuned next Friday when Wufei says, "If you want it to rise, you have to kneed it gently."
Charlie's Angels
" . . . sheep are dumb," Duo said disdainfully, "and so is anyone who thinks anything made from their wool is fashionable."
"Look who's talking, it's the queen of rayon and polyester, " Trowa sniped back. "At least I'm wearing something classic, and not something recycled!"
"You both realize that we have changed worlds again don't you?" Heero offered.
The two stopped bickering and quickly took stock of the situation. Duo eyed the room and then looked for a mirror. Unfortunately, Trowa found the mirror first.
"My god," Trowa shouted, "I'm a total hottie!!!! Would you look at the way this silk blouse outlines my curves, whilst this wool tweed skirt really shows off my assets. Wufei has nothing on me!!!"
Duo shoved the narcissistic Trowa aside and checked himself out. "Let's see, black midriff top, black stretch Capri's, and black pumps. Nothing out of the ordinary here,"
"Unless you take into account that you are a woman," Heero pointed out.
Duo paused briefly, and then shrugged, "You always were curious what it would be like to make it with a woman, well, now here is your chance."
"One problem," Heero said, standing. "I'm a woman too."
Heero was dressed in a green jogging bra, black spandex bicycle shorts, and a cute pair of yellow running shoes.
"Mmmm, maybe a little girl on girl action eh?" Duo smiled suggestively. "We could get a good feel for how the other side lives."
"Damn I'm fine," Trowa interjected, bending over in front of the mirror to do a panty line test. "I mean, I knew I looked good when I dragged up for Quatre, but falsies are no substitute for the real thing. Oh if only my little sheik could see me now I'd show him how the dance of the seven veils is really done."
Both Heero and Duo stared in open surprise at the preening Trowa.
"I think I just learned more about Trowa and Quatre's private life in that last burst of dialogue, then I've known since I met them at the start of the war," Duo said in open amazement.
Heero shrugged, "It's always the quiet ones that are kinkiest."
"Don't I know it!" Duo smirked.
At that moment, the small phone speaker box on the table came to life.
"Good morning Angels," came Quatre's pleasant tone.
"Good morning Quatre," the trio called back in unison.
"I suppose you are all wondering where I am today?"
"Not really," Heero answered truthfully.
"I have to agree with Heero," Duo chimed in.
"You better not be with Wufei," Trowa scolded wagging his finger at the speaker. "If you are, I'm not going to share my luscious bod with you."
" . . . . . ." Quatre replied. "Err, Trowa, can we take up this discussion later, in private?"
"So you are with Wufei!!!" Trowa shouted scooping up the speaker. "Well you tell that self righteous little slut that Trowa Barton is coming over to bitch slap him back to Genghis Khan's Mongol Empire."
"A bit overprotective isn't he?" Heero asked Duo.
"I don't know, He kind of reminds me of a perfect solder I know."
"I'm not that bad," Heero protested.
"No?" Duo asked. "What about the time Millardo Peacecraft danced with me at Relena's party? The poor man had to go around pretending to be Zechs Marquis again for weeks afterward just to hide the shiner you gave him."
"He was fondling you," Heero huffed. "I was just protecting your honor!"
"It was ball room dancing," Duo sighed, as if rehashing an old argument. "He was supposed to put one hand on my hip."
"Hip, yes, but I saw where it was starting to slide to!"
"Girls!" Came Quatre's soothing voice from over the speaker. "We have a more urgent matter to attend to. Wufei has been abducted!!!"
Elsewhere, in a holding cell . . . .
"Heero . . ." Wufei called weakly as his conciseness returned, " . . . come save me Heero!"
"He iz holding out for za Heero," a voice with a bad French accent said with a hint of sarcasm.
"But only 'till ze end of ze night," chimed in voice number 2- also with an atrocious French accent.
"He'z got to be strong . . " 1 mused.
" . . . and he'd have to be fast . . ." 2 added.
" . . . definitely ready to fight!" one finished with mock seriousness.
Wufei sat up and shot a glare at the two men. "Where am I?"
"Ah, ze sleeping beauty, he speaks," goon 1 smirked.
"Should we tell him hiz Heero hasn't arrived yet?" chuckled goon 2.
"Non," 1 replied, "old twinkle toes might have anothzer case of the vaporz and faint again."
Wufei's face reddened as he stood, "Insolent curs, I will show you the true meaning of justice."
"Did you bring in a dictionary?" Goon 1 asked goon 2
"Non," 2 replied unfazed, "I don't usually carry one on me. It iz too heavy. "
"Infidels!" Wufei cried out, his blood boiling. "I will crush you both!"
Goon 1 rolled his eyes, "Oui, and how do you propose to do zat, with some kind of Kung-fu, ma petit chou?"
Wufei had enough banter. Letting out his fiercest war cry, he lunged for the two men who stared at him in disbelief. His lunge carried him face first to the floor with an embarrassingly loud crash.
"More like Kung-OOPS," goon 2 snickered.
"Lets go get our little friend Kato hiz breakfast before he does any real damage to himself." Goon 1 snickered.
Meanwhile back at Angels Headquarters . . .
" . . . don't keep feeding me these kidnapping lines," Trowa yelled at the speaker shaking it violently. "I saw how you were ogling him in the last two worlds. And you two," Trowa snapped at Heero and Duo. "Get a room! I'm tired of hearing the two of you jump each other. This is a private phone call, and I'd like a little privacy!!!"
"Jeez," Duo huffed, "I thought this was a de-briefing."
"Oh no," Heero chided his half clothed partner, "Quatre would never de- brief us in front of Trowa."
"Alas, and I was having so much fun too," Duo sighed
"I was too until little miss over-protective - whom I'm nothing like - got it in her head that her Arabian Prince was adding to his harem." Heero added.
"Enough!!!!" Quatre's voice commanded. "Trowa - I am not with Wufei!! I'm on some lonely beach out in the god-forsaken tulles with nothing to do. Duo - you and Heero had better not be too de-briefed because we have got to go and save Wufei!!"
"Yeah, save him from you maybe," Trowa moped.
"TROWA!!!" Barked Quatre in a tone of total authority. "If you do not stop this little snit fit right now, my little clown, I will take your allowance away and you know what that means don't you?"
"Scary!" Duo yelped clinging to Heero's left side.
"Well . . . do you?" Quatre commanded.
"Yes," said Trowa in a small voice.
"That means no more extra rations for your precious lions, no more shopping trips for 'costumes,' no more anything! You got that! Now I swear, the next one of you drama queens interrupts me. . . YYYYAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!"
Trowa latched onto Heero's right side.
"Who knew being sandwiched between two women could be this stimulating?" Heero smirked. "OK Quatre, you all of our undivided attention. Please go on with the briefing."
Back in Wufei's cell . . . .
"You call this garbage food!" Wufei hollered through the door. "I wouldn't even feed this slop to Maxwell!!!"
Silence was the only sound that greeted him from the other side of the door. His captors had left. Wufei looked down at the food tray once again and grimaced. The bowl held a rather watery porridge that looked like it was going bad. Next to it was some rather stale bread and a glass of rust colored water. Prisoner's fare. Wufei picked up his tray and started towards the small table that was just a few feet away. Three steps, that was all he took before his body betrayed him again. He collapsed in a heap, the tray landing on top of him
"Gravity is a harsh mistress," Wufei complained miserably.
He slowly regained his feet as the sound of running feet brought drew his eyes back to the door. It flew open and the two goons looked Wufei over and shook their heads.
"Look mor-on, le toilet iz oh-ver there," goon 1 snorted. "Next time use it instead of just wetting yourself!"
Wufei paused at that comment, and looked down at crotch of his pants. Sure enough, there was a large wet spot there still dripping water.
"And ze porridge was your breakfast, not a shampoo," goon 2 said shaking his head.
His hand patted the top of his head and felt the damp mush on the top of his head.
"Do I even want to know why the baguette iz wedged in ze back of your trousers?" goon 1 asked mockingly.
Fei flushed a deep crimson as his hands hastily reached around and patted his back side.
"Clumsy and gullible," goon 2 chuckled, "zis poor guy couldn't catch a break if one was handed to him."
"I will not listen to anymore of this vulgar slander!" Wufei growled the flush from his embarrassment fading. "When whatever drug you have given me wears off, I will kill both of you."
"Drugs?" One asked. "We don't need no stinking drugs!"
"Well speak for yourself," Two interjected. "I could go for some pain medication - it'z an old back injury that flares up now and again."
"You make a very valid point, mon ami, allow me to modify my previous statement." goon 1 said diplomatically. "We 'didn't' need 'any' stinking drugs to subdue you."
"Lies!" Wufei growled. "I am a trained martial artist. I have killed countless men with my skill!"
"Maybe he banged hiz head harder zen we thought," 2 said, a note of concern in his voice.
"Non, our little friend Kato here haz been claiming to be Bruce Lee evher since he woke up. We are going to leave you for a while 'killer,' please try to go easy on ze martial arts, I don't think the floor can take much more punishment."
Later, outside the fortified castle that holds Wufei captive . . .
"Are you certain that it's absolutely necessary for me to wear this outfit?" Heero asked again.
"Oh most definitely," Duo grinned, "It is the absolute latest in crime fighter chic. Besides I thought you liked spandex?"
"I have no qualms about the white spandex pants, it's this rather transparent lace top that I'm concerned about."
"If you are wearing a clean bra," Duo stated flatly, "I don't see a problem."
"This is pay-back for all the times I had you dress up, isn't it?" Heero asked.
"Yep!" Duo grinned, "Besides, it's a well known fact that you should take advantage of every asset you have to win a fight!"
"How is this going to help me win a fight"?
"I know it would distract me!" Duo offered.
"Well, now that we are here, any suggestions on how we get in?" queried Heero.
"Leave it to me," Trowa said flipping his bangs fetchingly, "and my feminine wiles."
"Bye, bye Trowa," Duo said.
"Have fun storming the castle," Heero added, then he turned and spoke softly to Duo. "Do you think it will work?"
"It would take a miracle," Duo sighed, "Trowa has few masculine wiles, and he's been a man most of his life."
"True," Heero sighed. "Well we will just have to hope Quatre has rubbed off on him - culturally that is."
"Nice save" Duo smiled
Undaunted, Trowa strode up to the door of the castle. The small hand painted sign said "Doorbell Broken, Please Knock." Trowa shrugged and rapped daintily on the door. A small hatch opened and a man's face peered out.
"Oui," the doorman said in a bad French accent. "May I help you ma petite?"
Trowa took a deep breath inflating his chest, "Oh I certainly hope so kind sir. I'm here to see the Wufei, the Wufei that was captured by Oz!"
"No one sees ze Wufei," the man squeaked, "Not no body, not no how!!"
With that he slammed the little door and Trowa felt himself deflate.
"Well, that was anti-climatic," Heero snorted.
"Hey, that's Quatre's line," scoffed Duo.
"You are absolutely right," Heero smirked. "My humble apologies. Of course, this still leaves us with a dilemma on how to get inside."
"Na," said Duo, "I have a plan. Just follow my lead Heero."
"Duo with a plan?" Heero scoffed, "Will miracles never cease?"
Duo strolled up to the door and with a three deft raps, wedged a sliver of wood in between the little door and it's frame. When the small viewing port wouldn't open, the doorman was forced to open the main door to see who was waiting outside.
"May I be of service?" he asked noisily.
"Why yes my good man," Duo replied with a bad Scottish accent. "I'm the lady Moiria Mctaggert. Ma loovly assistant and I 'ave come all the way from Scotland to come and view the tapestries."
The doorman looked confused, "Tapestries?"
"Good gods man," Duo bellowed, "This is a castle isn't it? It has tapestries?"
"It iz a very fine castle, and we have many tapestries, but if you are a Scottish lady then I am Jerry Lewis!"
"How dare he," Duo said in mock rage shoving the door wide open. "How dare he?"
Duo took a swing, but the doorman had already taken a step away from the door grabbing a long Baguette from off of the table.
"Now I shall show you ze true meaning of le pain," he said and began an intricate dance of death, swinging the bread like a saber.
A lone gunshot broke the silence, "Only the French would bring bread to a gunfight."
"Heero," Duo asked with a shocked look on his face, "Where did you pull that gun from? That outfit looks practically painted on you. There is no way you could have stashed that gun on your person."
Heero shrugged, "A girl has to have her little secrets. Come Tr-o-wa, we're off to save Wufei!"
Some time later . . .
"Do you think it could be this one?" Duo asked with a sigh.
"Well it certainly wasn't the last one," Heero sighed, "I mean who would keep a man in an iron mask locked up like that?"
"You mean other than Treize?" asked Duo.
"Point," Heero conceded. "I wonder were Trowa has gotten off to."
"Oh, he was dealing with something . . . ugly,"
"Ah . . ." Heero nodded, more to humor Duo then with any real understanding. "Well then, lets see what's behind the green door.
They drew the bolt and threw open the door.
"Judgment is upon you," cried Wufei leaping from his bed and falling face first in front of the pair clutching the stale bread.
"Yours I believe," Duo said pointing at the stunned Fei.
Heero sighed and turned the fallen comrade over, "Fei, if you are still conscious say something."
". . . ." Wufei's lips were moving, but no sound emerged.
"He's fine," Heero pronounced.
"How do you know?" Duo asked. "Can you read lips?"
"Yes,," Heero stated, "It is a quite useful skill."
"Oh yeah, then what did he say?"
"He said, 'Injustice, I will kill you all just as soon as I can feel my face again.,' or words to that effect."
"Arrggg," came Trowa's anguished cry from down the hall. "If you touch my tushie once again, so help me I will kick the ever living . . . . ."
Stay tuned next Friday when Wufei says, "If you want it to rise, you have to kneed it gently."