Lost Hope
Chapter Four: Talk to me!
Lily's hands rested around his neck, while James' were located at the small of her back and at the back of her neck, to steady her as he leaned further backwards
"Hem, hem" a voice behind them was heard and they instantly turned to their intruder
_+_+_+_
"Sirius" James breathed
Sirius Black, his best friend, was standing in the doorway looking up in the sky. He looked some sort amused yet there was a hint of a shy smile formed on his lips. He seemed to avoid looking at them, as if giving them enough time to get themselves together.
When he finally looked at them he tried his best not to laugh at the sight. James looked very flushed indeed; his lips were swollen and he seemed to have difficulty in breathing
He glanced at the small figure on his side and smiled slightly at the sight. He figured that if she would turn to look at him she would probably be in the same state as James; shirt shuffled a great deal, hair more a mess than usual, and flushed.
But at the moment she seemed to be too preoccupied trying to cut circulation in his right arm, as she held on to him as if her life depended on it
His smile grew wider
He knew that he shouldn't have interrupted them but he needed to talk to James
James in return, seemed to turn bright pink with embarrassment and an apprehensive smile. His drove his hand into his hair making it if possible even messier
Sirius looked at him, his eyes glinting with delight in finding something to use against his best friend
"Sooo…." James began nervously trying to break the silence that settled around them, his arm draped protectively around Lily
"Oh, James, is that you buddy? Didn't see you there" Sirius smiled at them innocently, trying to save James and Lily some embarrassment. Lily's head snapped at him the moment he said the statement, giving him plain view of her features
He mentally laughed out loud at the similarities between James and herself. She was perhaps in a worse state than James though, as there was only one button holding her shirt together, her lips swollen and she had a small red mark on her neck while another smaller one appearing slowly in the collarbone area, and her cheeks almost as red as her little marks
"Err yea, I'm here with err.. Lily. We are err.. discussing our Head duties" James spluttered, grateful towards his friend
"Discussing huh? Do you mind if I interrupt? I need to talk to you, mate" he answered casually, nodding his head so James can come over
James looked at him strangely but nodded non-the-less, taking his arm off from Lily's shoulder and asking her to wait for him, he made his way towards his smirking friend
"Sooo discussing were you?" was the first question that Sirius asked as soon as James had arrived within earshot.
He enjoyed the way James looked around nervously and ruffled his hair embarrassed. It was so long since he had seen him show any emotion and he was glad that Lily had managed to make him smile
"Well kinda. You see, she bumped into me up here and well we.. err.. we started, actually I started yelling at her and well.." he trailed off, looking goofy and embarrassed
"You stared yelling at her? Why Prongs? You love her why would you yell at her?" he asked surprised
"Well, that's part of it" he answered in a small voice, looking away from him
"But-" Sirius began confused
"You wanted to talk to me, Sirius?" he cut in hastily. Sirius became sober and grim
"Yea, I err.. I was kind of concerned about you lately. So have Moony and Wormtail, but they keep bugging, me to leave you alone and let you sort stuff out in your own time but I err can't. I found some concealed blood on your razor and it made me even more worried" he tried to look him in the eye but James was looking on the floor silently holding his forearm
"You've been so isolated and withdrawn from everybody, you haven't been eating and you haven't been sleeping either. I know because I've been keeping an eye on you James and I'm really worried about you. I've been trying to follow Moony's advice and leave you alone but I can't. You've been like this since the burial and I cant bare to see you like this anymore. You're like the brother I never had. Hell as far as I'm concerned you are my brother but James, I want to know what is going on" he added hurriedly
When James finally looked up at him and he appeared to be on the verge of tears. They both knew that he spoke the truth and James was so grateful for having him as a friend
He looked down at his forearm that was clutched within the grasp of the other. He then glanced at Lily, who seemed to know what they were talking about and gave him an encouraging smile
Sirius was staring at James' actions waiting for an explanation and as James was looking at Lily, Sirius turned to look at her as well for a second, trying to understand what was happening and then turned back to James who was once again holding if forearm
James took a deep breath and pulled up his sleeve
"I have been withdrawn lately, I know" he muttered before Sirius was able to allow what he saw sink in. he stood in shock staring down at his friend's arm, where the red scars were visible
"I've also been suffering from the worse case of depression and I needed a way out and this err- this was the only way I could find" he added quietly
Sirius gaped at his best friend. He had no clue what to say, what to do, but he felt he needed to do something
"James, I-" he began but he stopped not knowing how to finish
"Listen Sirius, I don't expect you to understand and I don't think that I'm ready to explain just yet. But I will, I swear. Just not now" he said exasperatedly
"James I meant when I said that you were like a brother- are a brother to me but I really wish you would have come to talk to me. If not me then Moony or even Wormtail" he whispered tentatively
"I know but you have to try to understand that I was alone and-"
"Never say that again, we are all here for you James. All of us" Sirius hissed
"I know, Padfoot. I know, but I drove myself to believe that you weren't. That none of you cared about me. I still have that problem and I-I-" he paused unable to continue
It was very hard for him to express himself after so long. It was hard before this, he reasoned, due to his pride, but now it was even harder. By asking for help it would mean that he admits that he has a problem. A problem that he cant solve by himself. It made him feel weak
He drew in another deep breath and continued
"I need help. Your help" he whispered
His voice trembled with vulnerability while his eyes, which were locked with the ones of his worried friend, begged for him to help him
Sirius looked at him for a second before stepping towards him and engulfed him in a brotherly hug, which was gratefully accepted
"Anything you want or need, I'm here for you man. I will help you anyway I can, you just name it" he whispered
"Thanks Padfoot, you don't know what that means to me" he replied as they broke apart. He looked around nervously, ruffling his hair once again, "so now I need to talk to Moony and Wormtail. Can you be there?" he asked him, his eyes pleading for a positive answer
"What do you think Prongs? Of course I'll be there" he smiled warmly at him
As he saw James turn to leave, he coughed to regain his attention. James turned around and looked at him with curiosity
"What about Evans, Prongs?" he asked cheekily, staring pointedly over his shoulder
James looked in Lily's direction and saw her looking up at the night sky as if transfixed by the glinting stars. He smiled and turned back to his friend
"Its Lily, Sirius" he answered, smiling goofily
"Finally on a first name basis are we? Well I should very well think so after what I've just witnessed. I really do think that I shall be traumatised for life now" he brought a hand up to his forehead as he replied dramatically
"Well you cant gat more traumatised then you, now can we Padfoot, well except.. and yea we're on a first name basis. Oh, Padfoot can I keep her? Please? She tastes so good" he whined as he looked at her
"I resent that previous comment but due to certain events I shall let bygones be bygones. As for if you can keep her why the bloody hell don't you ask her?" he suggested
James looked at him in surprise
"Padfoot are you ok? That was actually a good idea" he answered. He turned to leave once more before Sirius coughed once more
"What Padfoot?" James asked harshly as he rounded on his friend
"There's just one more thing that I need to know" Sirius asked, not in the least fazed by James' tone
"And what would that be?" he replied in the same tone
"Why were you yelling at Lily?" Sirius asked.
James immediately became nervous and sweaty. His gaze dropped from his friend to the floor as he played with his hands
"Well" he began, "I- I don't know what I actually said but.." he trailed off. He glanced guiltily at his friend, giving him a weak smile
"But what did you say Prongs?" he said with a warning tone, "please tell me you didn't say anything stupid"
"Oh, come on Padfoot! When you're trying to kill yourself and the object of your desires shows up and starts asking fuckin' stupid questions like 'what's wrong' and 'why' when they knew damn well fuckin' why, it does kinda make you a tad pissed off, don't you think?" he snapped, raising his voice a bit
When he realised what he had said he shut his eyes tight and drove his hand in his hair as he waited for his friend's reaction
"James, I- I'm sorry, man. I- I- I didn't know" Sirius replied weakly. He was stunned by the sudden outburst
"Yea, well now you know" he answered equally weakly. He rubbed his eyes from above his glasses, from exhaustion. "That's why I- I need your help for" he added, his voice low and his eyes finally falling on his
"James why didn't you just come to one of us?" Sirius pleaded. "You have no idea how-"he was cut short by James who turned to him with frustration
"I know Sirius. I know! I should have talked to one of you. I know, you've been worried but you have to understand, Sirius that I wasn't myself. I felt lost, alone and fake. I made myself believe that no one cared, that no one was there for me, even you, Moony and Wormtail. You have to realize that I made myself think that I had no one to turn to and- and I just wanted out" he said exasperatedly, his voice trembling at his final words
"James I-" Sirius began once again
"Sirius please.. I just need your help now" James pleaded. Sirius looked at him intently, then nodded
"OK, whenever you need me, I'll be there for you" he whispered solemnly
They stood there in silence looking at each other, thinking about something different than the matter at hand
"So what are you going to do about Ev- sorry" he smiled slightly "Lily?" Sirius broke the deafening silence that surrounded them
James looked at Lily with a small nervous smile on his lips
"I have to talk to her" he whispered slowly.
He glanced back at his friend who was looking right back at him, with an expectant look in his eyes
"Wait for me?" James pleaded shyly. Sirius only grinned and began walking towards the door
"I'll be waiting outside mate" he answered coyly, without turning back, and winked at Lily as he approached her
James looked at his feet, as Sirius made his way out, with a smile on his face. When he heard the door close, he allowed himself to look up again only to see Lily making her way towards him in a slow and nervous manner
He was mesmerized as she came closer. He loved the way her hair fell over her shoulders, the way her eyes sparkled with emotions, her figure that was too perfect for words and was now outlined by the school's black robes.
He wanted her. Badly. And she knew it. As he looked at her eyes, his smile grew wide because what he saw within them, reflected exactly what he felt, although he was still nervous. He needed to know if it was really that
"So you told him?" came Lily's voice, snapping him back to reality. He saw her standing in front of him with a slight blush apparent on her cheeks. His heartbeat rose
"Err yea. He was suspicious about what I was doing to begin with anyway and he kinda figured it out" he answered uneasily. His palms began to sweat again as he tried to avoid her gaze
"How long have you been doing it?" she asked awkwardly. It seemed that she wanted to ask this question for a long time and he was actually mildly surprised by this as his eyes darted back to her
"Wa? Oh- yea well err.." he stuttered. Although he wasn't surprised it didn't mean he wanted to answer it
"James how long?" she repeated, her voice more demanding, worry appearing over her features
"About four- four months" he replied in barely a whisper, his hand massaging the back of his neck
"Four months?" she repeated in shock, "But James.. your parents.. they died.."
"Two months ago, I know" he finished for her. Oh, Merlin this was going to be hard. "I've had a lot on my mind" he added
"Does Sirius know?" she asked torn between horror and sorrow as James shook his head. "Why?" she asked
"I don't know. It slipped my mind?" he replied lamely
"That's bullshit James and you know that. Tell me at least that you're planning to" she begged. James still avoided her eyes by looking at the floor, still massaging his neck. "James? You are, aren't you?"
"They don't have to know" he whispered, his voice heavy
"They don't have to know?!?" she almost yelled, "James they're your friend. They care about you. They're worried" she looked at him intently to see if the words she was saying were having an impact on him. They didn't. "You have to tell them" she told him softly
"I don't see why or how it could help with anything" James' voice came out weak breaking his silence
"James" Lily said sternly, "you have a problem and you need help. That is what you told Sirius isn't it?" he nodded. "Well the first thing you're going to have to come clean" she finished honestly.
James hung his head and walked a few steps away
"You're right. You are absolutely right" he said exasperatedly, then rounding on with a bitter smile he continued, "why didn't you just let me jump, Lily?" he asked her
Lily stared at him without being able to answer. James his back to her
"Never mind" he mumbled, "you don't have to answer that" he walked towards the ledge and although he wasn't planning to jump he stood at the edge and he let the wind blow at his face.
It was quiet for a while before he spoke up again
"I meant it what I said Lily" his voice came out low, as he turned to her once more.
He looked so sad, with his chocolate brown eyes glistened, a slight flush in his cheeks and the way his voice sounded so sincere and lost. He looked at her and their eyes locked
"When I said that I loved you. That I was in love with you" he whispered again, stepping closer
Lily was speechless. Her eyes were fixed on James' as he came to stand in front of her. Her breathing came out heavy and her eyes flickered to his lips before returning back to his eyes. She then realised how much she had missed his lips on hers
"James I-" she whispered huskily. His hand was on her cheek and she blinked at the sensations that flooded within her
"Shut up Lily" his voice came out as if forced; as he bent down to kiss her
It wasn't a hungry kiss as the ones they had shared a while ago, but the result was the same. James pressed his lips against hers in a remark of love. Lily stood numbly for a few seconds before her feelings overwhelmed her and brought her arms up to his neck and wrapped them around him. When they broke away she smiled at him
"Don't change the subject" he chuckled softly, "seriously James you should talk to them and tell them the truth" she told him, as their eyes remained locked and their foreheads rested against each other
"I know. And I will.. when I'm ready" he sighed loudly, shutting his eyes. He was about to add something else, when he re-opened his eyes and noticing how Lily's piercing gaze tore his heart apart while her smile caused his heartbeat to increase
"That smile is going to be the end of me" he thought out loud
"Sweet Merlin" she whispered in return
"What?" he asked curiously
"I honestly think that I'm falling for you" she replied absent mindedly. James appeared to have stopped breathing
"What?!?" she asked caught off guard. Lily blinked, apparently not realising what she had said
"What? Oh nothing, just thinking out loud. So are you going to talk to Sirius, Remus and Peter?" she said quickly, trying to cover up her mistake
"Only if you come with me" he replied cheekily
"Always" she answered. She slowly brought her arms away from his neck and lowered them to his hands
She began moving towards the door when James pulled her back to him
"And where do you think you're going?" he asked seductively, raising an eyebrow and a hint of a real smile forming on his lips
"Well.. Sirius, James. He's- he's waiting for you to go.. and you should" she began nervously. James merrily smiled and leaned in towards her but she brought her hand up between their lips to stop him
"James.." she whispered, her breathing coming out hard, "you need to talk to them" her eyes bore into his. His eyes flashed with disappointment and guilt, but soon changed to lust, love and understanding. He smiled into her palm and kissed it softly
"You're right" he sighed again.
Lily smiled and turned to leave again. She took a few steps away before she was yanked back into James' arms. His arms fell on her waist and his lips magically found hers. This time she didn't stop him. She had missed him.
As he nibbled her bottom lip she let out a content sigh and wrapped her arms around his neck. He pulled her closer and held on to her tighter. He reluctantly pulled away
"Lets go" he whispered with a small smile
"You ready, love?" she asked in the same tone. When she realised what she said, she blushed slightly, while James' eyes shined with glee. He smiled broadly at her
"Now I am" he replied, holding her hand tightly.
He kept his other hand on her waist as he guided her inside, both with a content smile outlining their features while they were both lost in their thoughts.
They found Sirius waiting for them near the door and watching them from behind, he smiled at the way they acted with each other, happy to see his friend with the one he loves after all that he's been through
Thank yous:
Tyster: Moony.. you are an idiot.. repeat after me.. idiot, idiot, idiot.. continue as such and you are on your way to a relatively good recovery
Child-of-Scorpio: heh, that was kinda my intention. I know I'm evil
J.E.A.R.K.Potter: Nope not that one sorry. Forgive me for my late update as well will ya? Please
Ceso: you're right they did. Don't worry bout spelling McGonagall's name. I have no clue either, I gotta have it saved on spell check (heh). And you present a very good point about the heights thing as well
Living In A Nightmare: I am very glad to hear that and I do hope to Merlin that you wont kill me for updating so late(?) please? And while we're on the subject when are you going to update you fics? I hope soon
Iamaiceskater08: I'm honoured that this was your firs fic and I'm glad you liked it. I hope you enjoy the rest of it as well
The almighty and powerful*M: it seems the cliffy mislead you didn't it? I didn't update that quick, sowy
Jess131346: just so I let you know you are the third person to threaten me (sniff* sniff*) and I am on my way to put a restraining order on all of you. So there! (jk)
Mintytoothpick: thanks for reviewing anyway
Coffee Shopper: I know exactly what you mean, but that was my intention actually cos something is going to be revealed in the next chapter that might clear stuff out a bit so just go with it
Rainy Day Parade: thanks and I'm glad you liked it and as you must have found out, its not Umbridge
Chris-black: glad you liked it. Sorry for the delay
WuvMyJohnnyCade: *rubbing ears hard * sowy for delay, hope this chapter gets me back in your good books (heh)
Lady of Masbolle: yea sorry bout that heh
Oh-Dear: oh man! Thank you for your kind words and for sparing my life! (heh) kidding, but siriusly, thanks for the words of encouragement
Dancinquin: I'm glad you could clarify all the mean thing you have in store for me ;p but glad you like it none the less
Kaelin Skrutin: Bravo! You are the only one that guessed right and so the chapter is dedicated to you darling! Hope you enjoyed it!
A/N I'm so sorry for the long wait. I do hope that this chapter is large enough in order to buy out your forgiveness(?).. Anyway just tell me what you think huh? Now for you who want the next chapter to be dedicated to you I'll give you a guessing game to answer about the future of the story. Here goes.. what do you think is going to happen during the talk that will occure between the Marauders and Lily? Leave your answers in a review and you'll find out next chapter. Oh and Tiaan, you are not allowed as you've already read it