Dear SiriousB1,
I have spent soooo many years as an eye that I have totally forgotten how to pick up a girl. Could you lend me some of your expertise?
From,
Lonely Eye
Dear Lonely Eye,
Well, um, I regret to say that I have never "picked up a girl." Actually, I don't regret it. I swear to you all I'm straight! (Well, sort of...Halle Berry is very good-looking...;;, but we won't go there!) However, I can tell you that there is a very charming, blonde elf-prince who might be able to give you some tips on women, looks and whatever else you guys need to know about. Consider trying to find him with that Lonely Eye of yours.
Sincerely,
SiriousB1
Thank you to '.' for this idea.
Dear SiriousB1,
I am sooooooo depressed! I'm in love with this really rugged Ranger, who happens to be human. I am an elf. Though that's a problem in itself, that isn't what this letter is about. My guy is always running off with these other guys. This time it's an old dude, another human, a dwarf, a gorgeous elf (who I think might be gay, so I'm worried), and four midgets with hairy feet. How can I get him to come back to me?
Gratefully,
Jealous Elf-Babe
Dear Jealous Elf-Babe,
You must fight fire with fire. If he keeps running off with other men, leaving you jealous and alone, then you must run off with a group of women. As you are fretting his homosexuality, make him doubt yours. He'll become insanely jealous and come running back to you. Or he'll ask to see you and your "lesbian" friends in action. Either way you're likely to nab him.
Sincerely,
SiriousB1
Thank you to Rebecca Arwena for her question.
Dear SiriousB1,
I'm secretly engaged to this human; let's call him Ara. My father, an elf lord, is angry and won't let me marry him. Ara is on some weird crusade to destroy something and I want him here with me! What do I do to remedy my solution?
Your Friend,
Rebecca Arwena
Dear Rebecca Arwena,
An elf lord, huh? Must suck to piss him off, huh? But, let's do that anyway...if you are his daughter you must be some sort of elf lady or princess or something, right? That makes you as equally powerful as you father. I think that maybe you should get your city to start a strike against him. If you get the town to back you up on your love life, maybe he'll let you marry him. If that doesn't work, you could always run against him next election and set your own rules. Seriously! What would your town want: an old elf dude or a sexy elf princess? As to getting Ara back home, keep in mind that the lady is always in control. Drag his human ass back to you.
Sincerely,
SiriousB1