Lord of the Rings Advice

by SiriousB1

The letter 'S' is a very common letter in the Lord of the Rings series: Saruman, Sauron, Samwise, songs, scary (at times)...well, add another 's' word to the list: SiriousB1. When trouble strikes, SiriousB1 will be there to help sort things out.

4. Treebeard and Gollum

Thank you to Dil for the next two characters and questions.

Dear SiriousB1,

I am an Ent. We speak very slowly, and because of that it takes a long time for those we speak to, to understand. I have two Hobbits nidificating in my branches, and I think they have infested me with termites. I know I have termites – yesterday they attacked Pippin. The little ones don't know what to do, Merry's "Poke them with a Stick" idea prompted the attack. I considered asking the Ringbearer when we meet with him, but I'm afraid Sam would kill me, thinking I was trying something. The elf may know what to do, but I believe he's near Helm's deep at this point. What should I do?

Signed,
Treebeard(at)FangornForest.tree

Dear Ent,

Let all the termites attack Merry and Pippin. In turn, they (the hobbits) will hopefully jump into a river or some other body of water. Hell, you could skip all that and jump in a lake yourself, but then you'd be deprived of seeing two hobbits jumping around in circles screaming, "AAHHH!! Get 'em off me! Get 'em the fuck away from me!" If you don't think that your efforts will be very effective, you could try calling the Orkin Man or whatever the hell that guy is called. But, if you do that, then you'd have to pay extra…and nobody wants to do that, do they? Oh, and do you really think that Sam could kill you? Squash the little bugger!

Sincerely,
SiriousB1

---

Dear Sirious,

Gollum is lonely. Gollum has placed a personal ad, but nobody seems interested in dating small cave dwelling creature with jewelry fetish. We has taken up talking to ourselves in the third person. Practicing new hobby of stalking hobbit who took our Precious, but believes Sam would kill us if we tried anything. Nasty hobbitses. Has you any advice for us?

Signed,

Slimey Yet Satisfying (at) Small Dark Cave.ring

Dear Slimy yet Satisfying,

Always lie when placing personal ads in the newspapers. Say you're a sexy, yet suave man with a lot of money to buy jewelry for the girl of your dreams. I'd like to be there when your date comes to the door, but I couldn't reveal what the who the mysterious SiriousB1 really is, now, could I?

Sincerely,
SiriousB1

P.S.
If you really want to date a person who shares some similar characteristics as yourself, I'm sure that Jaken would be flattered if you called him. I know his e-mail: Big-Eyed-Toad-Thing (at) InuYasha-is-a-Butt-head.staff