Dear SiriousB1,
Hi, my name is Wormt…er, I mean, my name is Pet…I mean…oh screw it. Anyway, I have this, um, problem. ::Glances around:: You see, I think I'm having some problems carrying out my job as a successful wizard in proper wizarding society. You see, while I should be sitting in a large, cushy chair behind a desk in an office at the ministry, reviewing various papers and reports, I find myself taking orders from ::looks around:: my Master…I mean, the Dark Lord. Um, it's kind of hard to explain; I never know exactly when he is watching or listening, and this gives me very little free time. He is also a very demanding person who required my presence almost every waking minute when he had no body to move in. This is very tiring on my part, and I rarely have time to see my boyfr…er, girlfriend. To make matters worse, my savings account at Gringotts has been almost totally emptied due to the need for housing in different, secret locations and my Maste..dammit, the Dark Lord's growing obsessions with the Muggle snacks Flaming Hot Cheetos and Hostess Twinkies. (An unusual combination, but I try to leave the room whenever he gets a fix.) It also appears that the Dark Lord has no respect for my or my well being, as he made me chop off my hand so he could return to a normal body. Sure, he gave it back, but the idea is there! As you can tell, I'm having serious issues regarding the Dark Lord as he is a control freak as well as a Cheetos obsessed maniac. Do you have any suggestions as to what I could do to get out of working for him, or, at least, making my job less arduous?
From,
Depressed Timid Rat
Dear Depressed Timid Rat,
It is hard to say whether or not the fault of this seeming disaster is yours or your Master's (the Dark Lord, as you prefer). I can see how your feelings are making everything difficult, but how on Earth did you manage to get yourself into this situation? A normal, everyday wizard would easily have been able to graduate from his or her school, start a family, get a job (at the Ministry or other) and be happy. Why the fuck did you pledge loyalty to the Dark Lord, you demented blob of rancid earwax? Under normal conditions, I'd suggest you just slip away unnoticed, change your name, get a job and never mention your previous life ever again. However, based on your claim that he is almost always watching, I don't think this will work very well. Now, you might be able to make a bargain with your Master; do a very important job for him or get him five lifetime supplies of Flaming Hot Cheetos and Hostess Twinkies in exchange for your freedom. But, as a controlling overlord of darkness and despair, I hardly think this will work. Maybe you could kill him yourself? He may be strong, but you seem to hold a position close enough to him that finding out secrets, weaknesses, etc. should not be so hard a feat. If I recall correctly, mutiny and revolution seem to help overthrow powerful leaders. Let's see…the French Revolution in 1789 was successfully completed with the execution of King Louie the 16th and Marie Antoinette…the American Revolution not too long before that freed the United States from British rule…the list goes on. Get the rest of his supporters together and see if they share your feelings of helplessness. You Master, the Dark Lord, probably runs his power on a thin line of support and fear. If it turns out that many of his other "followers" are merely scared little weasels that want out, then plot destruction and bring the world to peace. All of your options are easier said than done, I'm sure, but I'm confident you can manage.
Sincerely,
SiriousB1
Hi, my name is Wormt…er, I mean, my name is Pet…I mean…oh screw it. Anyway, I have this, um, problem. ::Glances around:: You see, I think I'm having some problems carrying out my job as a successful wizard in proper wizarding society. You see, while I should be sitting in a large, cushy chair behind a desk in an office at the ministry, reviewing various papers and reports, I find myself taking orders from ::looks around:: my Master…I mean, the Dark Lord. Um, it's kind of hard to explain; I never know exactly when he is watching or listening, and this gives me very little free time. He is also a very demanding person who required my presence almost every waking minute when he had no body to move in. This is very tiring on my part, and I rarely have time to see my boyfr…er, girlfriend. To make matters worse, my savings account at Gringotts has been almost totally emptied due to the need for housing in different, secret locations and my Maste..dammit, the Dark Lord's growing obsessions with the Muggle snacks Flaming Hot Cheetos and Hostess Twinkies. (An unusual combination, but I try to leave the room whenever he gets a fix.) It also appears that the Dark Lord has no respect for my or my well being, as he made me chop off my hand so he could return to a normal body. Sure, he gave it back, but the idea is there! As you can tell, I'm having serious issues regarding the Dark Lord as he is a control freak as well as a Cheetos obsessed maniac. Do you have any suggestions as to what I could do to get out of working for him, or, at least, making my job less arduous?
From,
Depressed Timid Rat
Dear Depressed Timid Rat,
It is hard to say whether or not the fault of this seeming disaster is yours or your Master's (the Dark Lord, as you prefer). I can see how your feelings are making everything difficult, but how on Earth did you manage to get yourself into this situation? A normal, everyday wizard would easily have been able to graduate from his or her school, start a family, get a job (at the Ministry or other) and be happy. Why the fuck did you pledge loyalty to the Dark Lord, you demented blob of rancid earwax? Under normal conditions, I'd suggest you just slip away unnoticed, change your name, get a job and never mention your previous life ever again. However, based on your claim that he is almost always watching, I don't think this will work very well. Now, you might be able to make a bargain with your Master; do a very important job for him or get him five lifetime supplies of Flaming Hot Cheetos and Hostess Twinkies in exchange for your freedom. But, as a controlling overlord of darkness and despair, I hardly think this will work. Maybe you could kill him yourself? He may be strong, but you seem to hold a position close enough to him that finding out secrets, weaknesses, etc. should not be so hard a feat. If I recall correctly, mutiny and revolution seem to help overthrow powerful leaders. Let's see…the French Revolution in 1789 was successfully completed with the execution of King Louie the 16th and Marie Antoinette…the American Revolution not too long before that freed the United States from British rule…the list goes on. Get the rest of his supporters together and see if they share your feelings of helplessness. You Master, the Dark Lord, probably runs his power on a thin line of support and fear. If it turns out that many of his other "followers" are merely scared little weasels that want out, then plot destruction and bring the world to peace. All of your options are easier said than done, I'm sure, but I'm confident you can manage.
Sincerely,
SiriousB1