Thank you to Orlando's Gurl for your character idea; I had a lot of fun coming up with this question!
Dear SiriousB1,
It has come to my attention that I am desperately wanted by many fan girls across both wizarding and Muggle communities. As I sat at my computer the other day (a Muggle invention, I know, but it can come in handy), and was searching on Yahoo for "ways to kill Harry Potter without Dumbledore attacking me in my sleep", I came across several hundred websites dedicated to my existence. In addition to this, I have discovered that many "fanfictions" (as these strange creatures known as Muggles call them) have been devoted to a non-existent rapport between one of my students and me. This absolutely repulsed me and I'm afraid that it took several hours of bathroom time to get the taste of utter disgust out of my mouth. I do not enjoy reading about my supposed sexual relationships with several female (and even, dare I say, male) apprentices. Should any Daily Prophet reporters pick up on any of these stories, then my career would be in unreserved ruin. And then, as if this stomach-turning experience could get any worse, I stumbled across hundreds of websites showing images (some very explicit, some not as so) depicting me and my students and my worst enemies in tight embraces, locking lips and even…other things that shall not be mentioned here. Not only was I in dire need of a bathroom run, but I suffered from hysteria for a week and a half in St. Mungo's before the trauma ended. (However, I still retain some of these images merely because I enjoy looking at myself with my sexy nose and breath-taking eyes, but that is another story entirely.) As you can tell, my problems run deep and violate the code that I have lived by (never trust anyone that can hurt you) to the extreme. I have found countless numbers of girls (and a few guys, as they swing that way) who seem to trust me and want me, when they don't even know me. It is not that I do not enjoy this sort of love and fame, but when they begin to draw images and write stories of my "love life" that are simply not true, I find myself in a rage that has never been matched. What is it that I may do to keep these wild beasts under control? They have ignored my e-mails and owls, disregarded the reports of abuse I have submitted and simply been a nuisance to my very being. I swear that if you don't help me, I'll come after you with a Truth Potion and post all of your secret fantasies online for all to see. Respond quickly, Muggle, or I'll be at your door!
Not your friend, but in need of your help,
Greasy-Haired Potions Sex God
Dear Sex God,
I can see that your distaste for romance has ruined your sense of humor toward many of these sights. They are all in good taste, and many have even dedicated shrines and weekly columns to and about you. As you said, this sort of fame is bliss, but you seem to deny your feelings simply because you cannot except the fact that there are those people who wish to control your love life. I can see how you have issues with people describing you living a pedophile-like way of life, but have some heart! They are all hopelessly in love with you and are merely trying to make those few that hate you share their appreciation. Your hatred is acceptable, but you could at least show them some respect for trying to help your non-existent love life out. I mean, come on! How often do girls with big boobs and a sexy accent come up to you and ask you out? Wouldn't you like to settle down, maybe have some kids, retire and watch your children's children run around playing wizard's chess, Quidditch and other such wizarding things? If you really insist on dispersing these cult groups dedicated to hooking you up with others (or themselves) then maybe you could report it to a higher ranking official. The cults are, as you said, ignoring your complaints, so report it elsewhere. Maybe if you're lucky you can find an assassin-for-hire and put all of your fans to death. I do not, however, recommend this because, should anyone find out, you might be charged with mass murder of people of all ages. Hell, it would be genocide of the Snape Obsessed Community! And, not only would you be killing innocent Muggles and wizards/witches who are only trying to help, you'd also be killing an advice columnist with a dream to someday get you in bed. Not that anyone really wants to picture me going down on you, but you understand my point! I suggest that you savior what fame has been brought to you and send e-mails or owls or whatever to the owners of these sites, authors of these stories and artists of these pictures thanking them for their deep admiration of you. Soon, you'll have an even bigger crowd to look forward too! I can almost guarantee that your fans will be greater than even that of Harry Potter's. Have fun writing all those letter and what not; you'll be at it for a long time!
Sincerely,
SiriousB1
Dear SiriousB1,
It has come to my attention that I am desperately wanted by many fan girls across both wizarding and Muggle communities. As I sat at my computer the other day (a Muggle invention, I know, but it can come in handy), and was searching on Yahoo for "ways to kill Harry Potter without Dumbledore attacking me in my sleep", I came across several hundred websites dedicated to my existence. In addition to this, I have discovered that many "fanfictions" (as these strange creatures known as Muggles call them) have been devoted to a non-existent rapport between one of my students and me. This absolutely repulsed me and I'm afraid that it took several hours of bathroom time to get the taste of utter disgust out of my mouth. I do not enjoy reading about my supposed sexual relationships with several female (and even, dare I say, male) apprentices. Should any Daily Prophet reporters pick up on any of these stories, then my career would be in unreserved ruin. And then, as if this stomach-turning experience could get any worse, I stumbled across hundreds of websites showing images (some very explicit, some not as so) depicting me and my students and my worst enemies in tight embraces, locking lips and even…other things that shall not be mentioned here. Not only was I in dire need of a bathroom run, but I suffered from hysteria for a week and a half in St. Mungo's before the trauma ended. (However, I still retain some of these images merely because I enjoy looking at myself with my sexy nose and breath-taking eyes, but that is another story entirely.) As you can tell, my problems run deep and violate the code that I have lived by (never trust anyone that can hurt you) to the extreme. I have found countless numbers of girls (and a few guys, as they swing that way) who seem to trust me and want me, when they don't even know me. It is not that I do not enjoy this sort of love and fame, but when they begin to draw images and write stories of my "love life" that are simply not true, I find myself in a rage that has never been matched. What is it that I may do to keep these wild beasts under control? They have ignored my e-mails and owls, disregarded the reports of abuse I have submitted and simply been a nuisance to my very being. I swear that if you don't help me, I'll come after you with a Truth Potion and post all of your secret fantasies online for all to see. Respond quickly, Muggle, or I'll be at your door!
Not your friend, but in need of your help,
Greasy-Haired Potions Sex God
Dear Sex God,
I can see that your distaste for romance has ruined your sense of humor toward many of these sights. They are all in good taste, and many have even dedicated shrines and weekly columns to and about you. As you said, this sort of fame is bliss, but you seem to deny your feelings simply because you cannot except the fact that there are those people who wish to control your love life. I can see how you have issues with people describing you living a pedophile-like way of life, but have some heart! They are all hopelessly in love with you and are merely trying to make those few that hate you share their appreciation. Your hatred is acceptable, but you could at least show them some respect for trying to help your non-existent love life out. I mean, come on! How often do girls with big boobs and a sexy accent come up to you and ask you out? Wouldn't you like to settle down, maybe have some kids, retire and watch your children's children run around playing wizard's chess, Quidditch and other such wizarding things? If you really insist on dispersing these cult groups dedicated to hooking you up with others (or themselves) then maybe you could report it to a higher ranking official. The cults are, as you said, ignoring your complaints, so report it elsewhere. Maybe if you're lucky you can find an assassin-for-hire and put all of your fans to death. I do not, however, recommend this because, should anyone find out, you might be charged with mass murder of people of all ages. Hell, it would be genocide of the Snape Obsessed Community! And, not only would you be killing innocent Muggles and wizards/witches who are only trying to help, you'd also be killing an advice columnist with a dream to someday get you in bed. Not that anyone really wants to picture me going down on you, but you understand my point! I suggest that you savior what fame has been brought to you and send e-mails or owls or whatever to the owners of these sites, authors of these stories and artists of these pictures thanking them for their deep admiration of you. Soon, you'll have an even bigger crowd to look forward too! I can almost guarantee that your fans will be greater than even that of Harry Potter's. Have fun writing all those letter and what not; you'll be at it for a long time!
Sincerely,
SiriousB1