Disclaimer: I just own the plot.
Review Responses:
AffectedMangoO – Things were going nicely but I'm afraid life isn't that simple and Sev has a very unpredictable life! The forest did slightly remind him of the marauders in that he remembered the times he'd been there without the wolfsbane potion and I'd assume they'd have been there then but for the most part I think Remus is starting to move on. Thanks for the review!
Marilyn, My Bitterness – There's an extra plate at the dinner table just in case! Just do me a favour and leave the stick behind, I fear it may be used against me and justifiably so as that was a very cruel place to leave things! Sorry about the cliffhanger! Thank you for reviewing!
Mei – Sev's let Remus in to a degree but I'm afraid he'll spend this chapter convincing himself he isn't doing that! LOL! Sev's screwed up but he'll never be passive, I just couldn't see him that way! Thanks for the review!
Lorraine – They will be friends but there will be romance for them one day, you'll just have to wait and see if they manage to get together within this actual story! Thanks for reviewing!
Lupine Wolf – Thanks for the in-character comments! I do fear getting them out of character but keeping Severus in character and making him interact with people beyond killing them is rather tricky! Thanks for reviewing!
bluebird161221 – Sorry about the bad timing of this chapter but if it's any consolation at least when you get back to the computer you should be able to read two chapters at once! Thanks for reviewing!
BekaJWP – Things definitely got heated in that last chapter and Remus is beginning to realise he's messing with a very dangerous person and the poor man's starting to feel rather nervous! Sorry to snatch it all away but the two of them were bound to be affected by Sev's spy work sooner or later. Thanks for the review!
Dokuhebi – As to what would have happened had they made it to Sev's room, use your imagination, in fact let it run away with you, things were certainly very charged and intense between them. Sev certainly did enjoy having Remus that close to him (who wouldn't?), Sev will be most annoyed that you know his secret desires for a certain annoying werewolf! Thanks for the review!
Snapecharmer – I'm always pleased to hear people who aren't usually slash fans are enjoying this anyway! The third film is definitely the best! I apologise for Snape being called away but sadly in the real world these things happen at very inappropriate times, after all Voldy's hardly going to ask Sev if it's convenient for him to be summoned. Though I'm sure Severus wishes he would! :o) Thanks for the review!
Lady of Paranoia – I hope this chapter does give some insight into how Sev's feeling, it was missing in the story so this is an attempt to correct that. Thanks for the review!
Marie Falcon – Harry/Draco? Not a fan, prefer Draco and Ron really but then Severus and I share a view on Harry most of the time! I love Severus' personality! He's so sarcastic and bitter and wants to be evil but has a good heart somewhere underneath it all! I love the guy basically, especially when JK goes on about that silky voice and those penetrating eyes! I think I'll be contributing a lot of fanfic in the near future, not sure if it'll be worth reading but I'm in the process of writing quite a lot! Thanks for the review!
Ellrohan – Voldy's timing's dreadful isn't it? He has no thought to spare for poor Severus' sex life! Sadly he's now here in person getting to poor Severus! Thanks for reviewing!
Gemini Fallen Angel – I always finish stories I post, I couldn't bear to leave them hanging! You're very welcome about the e-mail, it was no trouble at all. The third book did have a lot in it so the film cutting stuff out is understandable but I just worry about how much they'll have to cut out in order to film the fourth book! I have finished writing this story apart from a few last minute checks on grammar and punctuation and stuff but I'm having fun writing other stuff now. Thanks for reviewing!
just-an-oli – Here's a new chapter to stop you feeling sad, only one more after this though. Thanks for the review!
lilyqueen777 – Here we go with the scary inner working of Severus Snape! Thanks for reviewing!
Bonezz – Oh I didn't re-write the stuff that was already posted just the stuff I was yet to post but was already written, the story was all finished but then a conversation with my friend and muse (who also happens to be the devil!) ended up with an extensive re-write of chapters seven and eight and another chapter being added in the middle of them! Personally I'm kind of glad this is shorter than Wedding Bells as I've got so much else to work on including a fic that's looking like it may come close to the length of Wedding Bells! Sev is the best and he is hard to write for but worth the effort! I can see Severus being a sarcastic friend, it may be difficult to get close to him but I feel sure McGonagall and Dumbledore would count themselves as his friends! Actually the trip's tomorrow and it's to Scotland, I just posted this late so that the gap until the next chapter would be as short as possible! Thanks for the review!
Shades of Grey
Severus' Thoughts
Remus' Thoughts
Emphasis
Chapter 8
Not wishing to brave the noise and life of Grimmauld Place just yet, Remus headed for the Hogwarts library after watching Severus leave. He had expected it to be empty, hoping for some time in which to sort out his frustrated thoughts, but it turned out McGonagall had been working there.
"Remus, what are you doing here? I thought you were with Severus?"
"I was." He sat down in the chair opposite her at the small table she was working at, feeling like one of her students again. "He was summoned."
A cloud passed over the woman's face and she gave him a sad smile, "I was about to take a break anyway, why don't you stay and have a cup of tea with me."
"I think I'll just go back," Remus replied quietly.
"Remus, you really look as though you could use a cup of tea."
He smiled, "As always Minerva, you're right. That would be very kind, thank you."
"Kindness doesn't enter into it, I'm dying to get away from these blasted letters, muggles have the strangest postal addresses!"
Sitting drinking tea with his ex-professor and seeing how calmly she had taken his news helped to soothe Remus' nerves a little but it did nothing to calm his frustration at how things had been brought to an abrupt halt between himself and Severus.
"I've actually been wanting to say how pleased I am to see you reaching out to Severus like this," McGonagall broke the silence. "He needs someone and he seems to have grown rather fond of you. I know it's hard to believe that there's anyone in this world Severus likes, but you have a good effect on him. After he's seen you he seems much happier with life and there aren't many people who can produce that effect in him. Admittedly every now and again he storms around threatening to kill you but I've learnt never to take Severus' death threats too seriously, too many of them have been aimed at me!"
Remus smiled despite his frustration and worry, "Does he really seem happier after seeing me?"
"Yes, he does and if you don't mind me saying your mood seems to have improved considerably this summer since you and he started to spend time together."
"Oddly enough I found I enjoy his company."
"He's very good company when he's not ranting against the evils of the world."
"I don't even mind it when he rants, I think it does him good to let it all out."
"Probably," McGonagall agreed.
Remus fell silent once more and McGonagall tapped him sharply on the arm making him look up at her again. "Remus, I know it's a shock actually seeing him leave but you have to accept that it happens fairly often and he's always come back so far. All we can do is keep hoping that he'll keep coming back."
Remus looked at his old Professor and saw the worry etched on her face, "I know. I should let you get on with those letters."
"Yes you probably should. I'm starting to agree with Severus about one thing though, the first years cause more trouble than they're worth and that's before they even get here!"
"When he gets back would you owl me to let me know?"
She smiled sadly at him. "I'll get him to owl you himself. Now try not to worry too much."
He nodded, "Thank you for the tea and the conversation."
"Anytime Remus."
XXXXXXX
When Severus first felt his mark burn that day he would have done anything to ignore it. He and Lupin had been making their way to his rooms, ostensibly for tea but there had certainly been a very different idea in the subtext of their conversation.
Their banter had been subtly changing through their meetings throughout the summer, he had allowed Lupin to get closer to him and he had found himself coming to know Remus Lupin far more intimately than he had ever expected or wanted to.
They had been a mere corridor length away from his room when he had felt the burning sensation begin to pull his attention away from the other man. He gripped his arm and stepped away from Lupin, instinctively placing a greater physical distance between them.
He searched quickly for a way to remove himself from Lupin's company and simply decided to tell him to leave. "Actually Lupin, I don't think tea's a good idea. You should just go."
"Are you alright?"
Remus took a step towards him, hand extended as though to touch his arm again, causing Severus to instantly step back. "Just go!"
"Severus," Lupin looked confused before understanding dawned in those warm hazel eyes and, worst of all, sympathy. "You're being summoned aren't you?"
Unwilling to discuss the issue and angered by the concerned and sympathetic nature of the man before him, Severus nodded briefly, "Leave."
Lupin didn't leave though, in fact showed no intentions of doing so but at least he seemed to have taken the hint to keep his distance and no longer tried to approach Severus. "What do you think he wants?"
The pointlessness of the question annoyed Severus, "I don't know," he snapped.
Worry became clear in Lupin's expression, "What if he's found out about you?"
Severus could have killed him quite happily at that moment, the thought that haunted him every time the mark burned, the thought he never voiced aloud because it seemed far too close to tempting the fates had just been spoken by this fool who was well on the way to getting him killed. He took a deep breath and glared at Lupin, "Thank you for bringing that happy possibility to the forefront of my mind!"
"But, I mean, maybe you shouldn't go!" There was a desperation in the other man's voice which Severus easily ignored in his anger and in his own desperation to get away.
"Shouldn't go? Do you have any comprehension of what would happen to me if I didn't?" Seeing the concern in Lupin's eyes made Severus feel deeply uncomfortable but at the same time he also felt the need to say something to calm the other man down. "Lupin, this happens fairly regularly. There's no point in having a panic attack every time. I'll see you when I get back. Now just leave and forget about it."
"I don't think I could forget about this if I tried," Lupin said, quietly.
"Lupin, I have to leave!" Severus was becoming desperate, whatever Lupin felt needed resolving between the two of them it was going to have to wait or he might not be coming back in any condition to resolve it.
Lupin nodded, seeming to finally catch on to the fact that Severus did not have the time to hold a conversation. "Be careful."
Severus nodded briefly in response, "Go home Lupin," he sighed, he really didn't want to do this. Still, certain things were necessary and sadly his information about the deatheaters activities was one of those things. He turned without another word and walked swiftly up the corridor. Upon reaching his room he grabbed the portkey which would take him to the castle gates and activated it. He discarded it upon reaching the gates and apparated instantly to the Dark Lord's side.
"You're late, Severus," a low voice, next to his ear, whispered unnervingly. Not that Severus could afford to show he was unnerved.
He bowed his head respectfully, turning to see the Dark Lord before him, "I apologise my Lord, I was with some of the other Hogwarts staff and it was difficult to excuse myself without arousing suspicion."
"Well we can't have people getting suspicious, now can we? I hope you were careful, Severus."
"I was my Lord."
The Dark Lord smiled his usual cold, cruel smile, "Good, I knew you would not fail me. Recent events have been most trying."
"I feel sure that they will provide you with no more than a temporary set back my Lord."
The smile widened slightly, "Ah Severus, I do love your faith." He placed a fatherly hand on Severus shoulder and guided him to another room. Severus had no idea where they were, somewhere outside of Britain he assumed, there were no windows and all the rooms were ill lit and unremarkable. He followed the Dark Lord into the potions laboratory with carefully suppressed relief, if all he wanted was another potion then this would not be one of his worst nights.
"How can I serve you, my Lord?"
"I require another one or two of your potions, Severus, the instructions are on the table as to what we need. I'm afraid I must leave you to it, I have other things to attend to."
Severus inclined his head towards the man who had once been Tom Riddle, "I'll get to work immediately, my Lord."
"I'll be back later to see how you're doing." The always unspoken threat, they both knew that if Severus was not doing as he was told, when and how he was told, exactly as the Dark Lord wished, the consequences would not be pleasant for him.
He watched as the Dark Lord left, only turning to look at the list of potions he had to create when he was out of sight. 'One or two' was in fact nearer ten different potions he was required to brew. Severus didn't mind though, none of them were too difficult for him and he would much rather brew the potions than see other aspects of the Death Eaters activities.
Once the various cauldrons were bubbling away, he moved between them, stirring and adding ingredients while his mind began to drift. Thanks to his skill and experience there were few potions now which required his full attention and none of the ones he was currently brewing did, so Severus found his mind wandering back to the previous events of the day, anything but dwell on what else it was the Dark Lord had gone to attend to.
He had been surprised by Lupin's arrival that afternoon, the man had been avoiding him for over a week and Severus had been pleased to see an end to that. Lupin had often proved a welcome distraction over the last few weeks. With the school year over Severus had often found his unoccupied mind focusing on things he would much rather forget. The werewolf was an annoyance but he found he rarely thought about the Dark Lord and his dual role when Lupin was around. He snorted in irritation at the idea that he had in some way needed Lupin's help or for that matter needed anyone's help. Probably the one use the mangy creature has ever had in his miserable life.
He added another shrivelfig to one of the potions and his mind was drawn back to the events in the forest. His first thought at the werewolf falling over his own feet had been how typically annoying of him it was. It was Lupin's continuous innuendo however which had finally baited Severus far enough for him to try a different tactic in their ongoing verbal conflict. He been fairly sure that, despite all of Lupin's talk, were he to actually respond to his not so subtle flirtation the other man would back off in fear.
Severus Snape was capable of being a deeply sadistic man when the occasion called for it and Remus Lupin had been asking for trouble ever since he had gained the last word upon entering the forest. It had been with this in mind that Severus had pulled him closer, allowing his hand to brush across his hip, the sadist in him taking pleasure in the look of fear, shock and intimidation in the other man, also the flush that told Severus Lupin had enjoyed it. He found the fact that the man could knowingly play with fire and then be surprised that he had got burnt very amusing to watch.
The memory of the incident brought a small smile unbidden to his lips. But this wouldn't do, he thought, he couldn't spend his time thinking about Remus Lupin and he had no desire to do so.
He stopped smiling and instead went back to his long-standing considerations of where he was; the Dark Mark created a link to Voldemort which meant he could apparate to his side without knowing his location. There were few clues to their whereabouts though, Severus had tried speaking to the other Death Eaters but no else seemed to know where they were either. Dumbledore and other members of the Order had been putting pressure on him to find out the location but so far Severus had failed to do so. Demonstrating excessive curiosity was not a good idea, in fact it was one which would likely get him killed, but he had to try.
Severus was still paying the price for the mistakes of his youth, he was denied a normal life and that fact had been clearly demonstrated before when the Dark Lord's summons had taken him from Lupin's company. He was aware that though his actions towards the other man that afternoon had begun as sadistic fun they had escalated to the point where he now wondered what would have happened had he not been called away. The manner in which Lupin had brushed his arm as they had descended the stairs and, perhaps more relevantly, the fact that he had allowed him to suggested that the nature of their relationship was altering and that tea probably wasn't the only thing on either of their minds. He wasn't sure in retrospect whether his being called away therefore was a good thing or not. He was not going to think about Lupin though!
He turned his attention back to the potions, several of which were already finished. He extinguished the fire to allow them to cool and focused on the others. For the next half an hour he was able to keep his attention on the remaining cauldrons, they did not require so much focus but if left to its own devices his mind seemed to have developed a tendency to wander. It was the direction it tended to wander in that was the most annoying part and was also slightly disturbing.
He was forced to admit to himself that developments with Lupin were beginning to unnerve him. The werewolf's innuendo he had at first written off as just a new way to annoy him, something Lupin seemed intent on making a career out of, probably because the lycanthopy amusingly prevents him making a career of anything else. However, it had been his reaction to catching Severus in bed that had first made Severus doubt that that was all that was going on. Lupin had acted very strangely, he had been too flustered to simply have thought Severus was going to exact revenge for the intrusion, it had been almost as though he...as though he had another motive behind that innuendo and flirtation beside Severus' discomfort. A theory that had been backed up by Lupin's reaction to him in the forest but it made no sense. After all the idea that anyone would feel anything but fear and contempt for him was ludicrous enough, causing him to doubt the truth of those people who claimed to be his friends, but the idea that Lupin's feelings on the matter had moved somewhere beyond friendship was beyond laughable. It was also deeply unsettling.
Lupin had undeniably reacted to his touch in the forest and if Severus was honest with himself, not necessarily an easy thing for a man so accustomed to self-deception, Lupin was not the only one who had reacted. His mind leapt back to the way Lupin had shook his hand the morning after the full moon, to the shock of...something that had run through him and more particularly to the shared glance with Lupin that had indicated they had both felt it. But this really was ridiculous, so he'd got a static shock from Lupin that was all. As for the events in the forest, of course he'd enjoyed it after all he did like watching people suffer, particularly one of those people who had made his high school years so unbearable, and Lupin had looked very uncomfortable. It had not been part of the plan for Lupin to enjoy it as well as being uncomfortable, why would he want him to? He wouldn't.
Still he was beginning to think that what he had done was not his best idea to date. He was not supposed to go around stroking Lupin's hip and then agonising over it, he was supposed to go around poisoning Lupin's wolfsbane and then throwing a party to celebrate getting rid of him. Not that he was agonising but he shouldn't be thinking about it at all.
It was with this in mind that he forced his thoughts back to the beetles he was viciously grinding into a fine powder, only to realise that he had long ago finished. He added them slowly to the right cauldron, stirring them in.
Once the potions were finished he turned his thoughts to his lucky escape on this occasion. Lately every time he had been summoned it had been to something horrific, something he would rather forget but knew he never would no matter how long he lived. Not that he was likely to live very long, this deception could not work forever and the chances were that he would be discovered before the Dark Lord was defeated. He had lived with this thought for so long it no longer held much power over him, he had little to live for and it was not as though he would leave anyone behind. Unless you counted Remus Lupin and Severus wasn't sure that he did.
He was beginning to get very annoyed, no matter what he thought about his mind seemed to drift back to the subject of Remus Lupin of its own accord.
"Severus?" A voice from the doorway surprised him, he should have been paying more attention. "Finished yet?"
"Yes my Lord." Severus was furious with himself for allowing himself to be caught off guard.
"You seemed distracted Severus, what were you thinking? Tell me."
It was more of an effort than usual to clear his mind, to not allow the Dark Lord to see his true thoughts. He seemed satisfied however as Severus answered, "I was merely wondering how the recruitment was going?"
"Well you can come and see for yourself, we're having a little initiation ritual tonight and then we're going to have a little fun. I came to fetch you if you'd finished, I knew you wouldn't want to miss the entertainment."
Severus had a horrible idea of what kind of 'entertainment' the Dark Lord was referring to and shuddered internally. Perhaps tonight would not be so easy after all.
XXXXXXX
Back at Grimmauld Place Remus tried to forget everything in the noise and bustle of the Weasley family whose second son Charlie had recently returned from Romania and had thankfully taken Tonks' attention away from Remus. Not that her attention to Charlie was in anyway positive, they were constantly bickering from what he had seen, but at least the girl seemed to have forgotten her previous crush a little. It didn't matter what Remus did though he couldn't forget where Severus currently was and he tossed and turned trying to sleep that night. No news had yet arrived and the tension in his stomach was getting worse, the fear that something could have happened to Severus was all his over-active mind could focus on.
A sudden tapping at the window disturbed him just as he was drifting off into a troubled sleep. He climbed out of bed and threw back the heavy drapes to see a tawny owl tapping insistently against the glass. "Well you're impatient aren't you?" he muttered and pulled open the window to let the bird fly inside.
With trembling fingers he untied the note from the bird's leg, the owl gave him a nip when it decided he was taking too long but eventually Remus had the note in his hand.
Minerva insisted I owl you to let you know I was alright. I'm fine, though I doubt you care anyway.
Severus Snape
Remus couldn't find it in him to be annoyed at Severus' cold tone, a combination of relief and sympathy for the other man blocked out everything else. The owl looked tired and he stroked it's feathers affectionately, surprised when it refrained from trying to bite him again. "I'm sorry, I haven't got any owl treats."
The owl gave a little hoot of disappointment before turning it's back on him superciliously and flying out the still open window. "Trust Severus to even have an owl that thinks I'm beneath it!" Remus chuckled.
XXXXXXX
Arriving back at Hogwarts Severus was exhausted and felt rather like he had been run over by the Hogwarts Express, the Dark Lord had been in a terribly unpredictable mood that night and it seemed none of them had escaped his ridiculous temper. Personally Severus thought the fact that the Dark Lord was becoming more unstable was both a good and a bad thing, it was a bad thing for anyone who had to go near him but he supposed it would be a good thing if he lost what small grip he had on reality, thus allowing the Order and the Ministry to defeat him.
He walked slowly up to the school, not appreciating the long walk. The entrance hall was empty and dimly lit as he made his way across it and he was grateful for that, he had neither the inclination to deal with people or anything of any great value to report.
Upon reaching his rooms he downed a pain-killing potion to at least relieve the throbbing headache he had developed. He collapsed in a chair wondering if he'd have the strength or the inclination to make it to bed or he'd simply fall asleep where he was. He had not been sat for long though when a knock at the door grabbed his attention.
He raised his wand and cautiously opened the door to see Minerva McGonagall stood behind it.
"Hello Severus, I thought you were back."
"Been prowling the corridors in feline form have you?" He despised that as a cat she was capable of effectively spying on him without him noticing.
"No, I was looking out of the window of my office and saw someone coming across the grounds, I assumed it would be you."
"Well I've no new information."
"That's not what I'm here for. I came to see if you were alright?"
"I'm fine."
She looked sceptical, "Well I also wanted to ask you to write to Remus."
Remus bloody Lupin, why could he not get away from him? "Why?"
"He came to see me after you'd been summoned earlier, he seemed so worried about you Severus. He really does care you know and I promised him I'd get you to write to him as soon as you got back."
Severus sighed, "Do it yourself if you care so much about him."
McGonagall was used to his unfriendly attitude upon returning from the Dark Lord's summons and refused to take it personally. "No. He wants to hear from you not me, he's worried about you."
Irritated by the other man's seemingly endless concern and compassion Severus snapped, "He's an idiot!"
"Severus! He cares about you and I'd say you're dangerously close to caring about him. Just face it Severus not everyone in this world hates you. Now write him a quick note and then get to sleep, you look terrible!"
What did she expect him to look like? Severus rolled his eyes, "Fine, I will write to him, now go and let me sleep Minerva."
She smiled affectionately at him, "Goodnight Severus, I'm glad you're back in one piece."
He was too tired to return her smile but he nodded and when he spoke his tone was less cold than usual, "Goodnight Minerva."
He watched her leave and closed the door, locking it securely to discourage any other visitors, he certainly had no intentions of answering the door if anyone else dropped by.
In fact it was only the thought that the man might decide to come and find him if he didn't hear from him that made Severus decide to send Lupin a note. It was, of the two, the lesser evil.
He pulled some parchment from a drawer and grabbed a quill before wondering what to write, what on earth did Lupin want to hear?
Who cared what Lupin wanted to hear? The bloody werewolf would just have to make do with what Severus could be bothered writing, which wasn't going to be much.
Why did he care? Why could the man not just leave him alone? It wasn't as though Severus even wanted anyone to care.
The thought had struck him that Lupin was a distraction he could not afford, he had been thinking about him when he should have been focusing on other things and if he had been a split second longer in clearing his mind before...he didn't want to think about what would have happened. And it wouldn't have just been to him, watching the night's 'entertainment' had reminded him of the danger for anyone who got close to him. The developments in their relationship would put Lupin in danger as well and Severus never wanted to have to stand by and watch him be hurt like that. Not that he would stand by. He was angry because McGonagall had been right, he might just be dangerously close to caring about Lupin and that was the last thing he had wanted to do.
Instinct was telling him to push Lupin away, to show him his concern was not wanted or welcome. He finally dipped the quill in an inkpot and scribbled a note.
Minerva insisted I owl you to let you know I was alright. I'm fine, though I doubt you care anyway.
Severus Snape
He tied the note to his owl's leg. Thankfully the tawny owl he had had for many years lived in his rooms, flying in and out through a high open window which was a rare luxury down in the dungeons he had inhabited for so long. Had he lived in the owlery with the other owls Severus doubted he'd have bothered sending the note, he didn't have the strength or the inclination to walk that far.
He stroked the owl's feathers gently, "Take this to Grimmauld Place, Iago, to Remus Lupin."
Iago hooted softly, brushing Severus' hand with his wing as he took flight and left with the note.
Severus watched the owl leave and wondered if he should have sent the note at all, was he simply encouraging the werewolf his in irritating habit of thinking of them as friends? That was the last thing he needed to do. Thanks to Lupin he'd hardly had a moments peace all summer, the stupid creature couldn't even leave him alone when he had been summoned and had instead decided that it was alright to risk Severus' life by keeping him hanging about asking stupid questions. Well, with any luck, the note had been too cold to encourage Lupin in any future attempts at friendship, had shown clearly that he was only writing to shut Minerva up. It would keep Lupin away from him. Show him hopefully that he didn't care.
It wasn't until he was on the verge of falling asleep and knew he would not remember it the next morning though that he allowed himself to face the idea that maybe he didn't want to push Lupin away from him.
XXXXXXX
A/N: Right, I'm going away tomorrow so the next update will be on the 10th or 11th July as I said in the last chapter. I'll try for the tenth but it may have to wait until the next day depending on when I get back.
You could give me lots of reviews to come home to! Hint, hint! Just try and let me know what you think of Severus' point of view. There's a little more of that to come at the start of the last chapter, which will be the next one. I'm afraid we're nearly at an end but I will be posting a little related one-shot (see notes at end of chapter seven for details).
Review Responses:
AffectedMangoO – Things were going nicely but I'm afraid life isn't that simple and Sev has a very unpredictable life! The forest did slightly remind him of the marauders in that he remembered the times he'd been there without the wolfsbane potion and I'd assume they'd have been there then but for the most part I think Remus is starting to move on. Thanks for the review!
Marilyn, My Bitterness – There's an extra plate at the dinner table just in case! Just do me a favour and leave the stick behind, I fear it may be used against me and justifiably so as that was a very cruel place to leave things! Sorry about the cliffhanger! Thank you for reviewing!
Mei – Sev's let Remus in to a degree but I'm afraid he'll spend this chapter convincing himself he isn't doing that! LOL! Sev's screwed up but he'll never be passive, I just couldn't see him that way! Thanks for the review!
Lorraine – They will be friends but there will be romance for them one day, you'll just have to wait and see if they manage to get together within this actual story! Thanks for reviewing!
Lupine Wolf – Thanks for the in-character comments! I do fear getting them out of character but keeping Severus in character and making him interact with people beyond killing them is rather tricky! Thanks for reviewing!
bluebird161221 – Sorry about the bad timing of this chapter but if it's any consolation at least when you get back to the computer you should be able to read two chapters at once! Thanks for reviewing!
BekaJWP – Things definitely got heated in that last chapter and Remus is beginning to realise he's messing with a very dangerous person and the poor man's starting to feel rather nervous! Sorry to snatch it all away but the two of them were bound to be affected by Sev's spy work sooner or later. Thanks for the review!
Dokuhebi – As to what would have happened had they made it to Sev's room, use your imagination, in fact let it run away with you, things were certainly very charged and intense between them. Sev certainly did enjoy having Remus that close to him (who wouldn't?), Sev will be most annoyed that you know his secret desires for a certain annoying werewolf! Thanks for the review!
Snapecharmer – I'm always pleased to hear people who aren't usually slash fans are enjoying this anyway! The third film is definitely the best! I apologise for Snape being called away but sadly in the real world these things happen at very inappropriate times, after all Voldy's hardly going to ask Sev if it's convenient for him to be summoned. Though I'm sure Severus wishes he would! :o) Thanks for the review!
Lady of Paranoia – I hope this chapter does give some insight into how Sev's feeling, it was missing in the story so this is an attempt to correct that. Thanks for the review!
Marie Falcon – Harry/Draco? Not a fan, prefer Draco and Ron really but then Severus and I share a view on Harry most of the time! I love Severus' personality! He's so sarcastic and bitter and wants to be evil but has a good heart somewhere underneath it all! I love the guy basically, especially when JK goes on about that silky voice and those penetrating eyes! I think I'll be contributing a lot of fanfic in the near future, not sure if it'll be worth reading but I'm in the process of writing quite a lot! Thanks for the review!
Ellrohan – Voldy's timing's dreadful isn't it? He has no thought to spare for poor Severus' sex life! Sadly he's now here in person getting to poor Severus! Thanks for reviewing!
Gemini Fallen Angel – I always finish stories I post, I couldn't bear to leave them hanging! You're very welcome about the e-mail, it was no trouble at all. The third book did have a lot in it so the film cutting stuff out is understandable but I just worry about how much they'll have to cut out in order to film the fourth book! I have finished writing this story apart from a few last minute checks on grammar and punctuation and stuff but I'm having fun writing other stuff now. Thanks for reviewing!
just-an-oli – Here's a new chapter to stop you feeling sad, only one more after this though. Thanks for the review!
lilyqueen777 – Here we go with the scary inner working of Severus Snape! Thanks for reviewing!
Bonezz – Oh I didn't re-write the stuff that was already posted just the stuff I was yet to post but was already written, the story was all finished but then a conversation with my friend and muse (who also happens to be the devil!) ended up with an extensive re-write of chapters seven and eight and another chapter being added in the middle of them! Personally I'm kind of glad this is shorter than Wedding Bells as I've got so much else to work on including a fic that's looking like it may come close to the length of Wedding Bells! Sev is the best and he is hard to write for but worth the effort! I can see Severus being a sarcastic friend, it may be difficult to get close to him but I feel sure McGonagall and Dumbledore would count themselves as his friends! Actually the trip's tomorrow and it's to Scotland, I just posted this late so that the gap until the next chapter would be as short as possible! Thanks for the review!
Shades of Grey
Severus' Thoughts
Remus' Thoughts
Emphasis
Chapter 8
Not wishing to brave the noise and life of Grimmauld Place just yet, Remus headed for the Hogwarts library after watching Severus leave. He had expected it to be empty, hoping for some time in which to sort out his frustrated thoughts, but it turned out McGonagall had been working there.
"Remus, what are you doing here? I thought you were with Severus?"
"I was." He sat down in the chair opposite her at the small table she was working at, feeling like one of her students again. "He was summoned."
A cloud passed over the woman's face and she gave him a sad smile, "I was about to take a break anyway, why don't you stay and have a cup of tea with me."
"I think I'll just go back," Remus replied quietly.
"Remus, you really look as though you could use a cup of tea."
He smiled, "As always Minerva, you're right. That would be very kind, thank you."
"Kindness doesn't enter into it, I'm dying to get away from these blasted letters, muggles have the strangest postal addresses!"
Sitting drinking tea with his ex-professor and seeing how calmly she had taken his news helped to soothe Remus' nerves a little but it did nothing to calm his frustration at how things had been brought to an abrupt halt between himself and Severus.
"I've actually been wanting to say how pleased I am to see you reaching out to Severus like this," McGonagall broke the silence. "He needs someone and he seems to have grown rather fond of you. I know it's hard to believe that there's anyone in this world Severus likes, but you have a good effect on him. After he's seen you he seems much happier with life and there aren't many people who can produce that effect in him. Admittedly every now and again he storms around threatening to kill you but I've learnt never to take Severus' death threats too seriously, too many of them have been aimed at me!"
Remus smiled despite his frustration and worry, "Does he really seem happier after seeing me?"
"Yes, he does and if you don't mind me saying your mood seems to have improved considerably this summer since you and he started to spend time together."
"Oddly enough I found I enjoy his company."
"He's very good company when he's not ranting against the evils of the world."
"I don't even mind it when he rants, I think it does him good to let it all out."
"Probably," McGonagall agreed.
Remus fell silent once more and McGonagall tapped him sharply on the arm making him look up at her again. "Remus, I know it's a shock actually seeing him leave but you have to accept that it happens fairly often and he's always come back so far. All we can do is keep hoping that he'll keep coming back."
Remus looked at his old Professor and saw the worry etched on her face, "I know. I should let you get on with those letters."
"Yes you probably should. I'm starting to agree with Severus about one thing though, the first years cause more trouble than they're worth and that's before they even get here!"
"When he gets back would you owl me to let me know?"
She smiled sadly at him. "I'll get him to owl you himself. Now try not to worry too much."
He nodded, "Thank you for the tea and the conversation."
"Anytime Remus."
XXXXXXX
When Severus first felt his mark burn that day he would have done anything to ignore it. He and Lupin had been making their way to his rooms, ostensibly for tea but there had certainly been a very different idea in the subtext of their conversation.
Their banter had been subtly changing through their meetings throughout the summer, he had allowed Lupin to get closer to him and he had found himself coming to know Remus Lupin far more intimately than he had ever expected or wanted to.
They had been a mere corridor length away from his room when he had felt the burning sensation begin to pull his attention away from the other man. He gripped his arm and stepped away from Lupin, instinctively placing a greater physical distance between them.
He searched quickly for a way to remove himself from Lupin's company and simply decided to tell him to leave. "Actually Lupin, I don't think tea's a good idea. You should just go."
"Are you alright?"
Remus took a step towards him, hand extended as though to touch his arm again, causing Severus to instantly step back. "Just go!"
"Severus," Lupin looked confused before understanding dawned in those warm hazel eyes and, worst of all, sympathy. "You're being summoned aren't you?"
Unwilling to discuss the issue and angered by the concerned and sympathetic nature of the man before him, Severus nodded briefly, "Leave."
Lupin didn't leave though, in fact showed no intentions of doing so but at least he seemed to have taken the hint to keep his distance and no longer tried to approach Severus. "What do you think he wants?"
The pointlessness of the question annoyed Severus, "I don't know," he snapped.
Worry became clear in Lupin's expression, "What if he's found out about you?"
Severus could have killed him quite happily at that moment, the thought that haunted him every time the mark burned, the thought he never voiced aloud because it seemed far too close to tempting the fates had just been spoken by this fool who was well on the way to getting him killed. He took a deep breath and glared at Lupin, "Thank you for bringing that happy possibility to the forefront of my mind!"
"But, I mean, maybe you shouldn't go!" There was a desperation in the other man's voice which Severus easily ignored in his anger and in his own desperation to get away.
"Shouldn't go? Do you have any comprehension of what would happen to me if I didn't?" Seeing the concern in Lupin's eyes made Severus feel deeply uncomfortable but at the same time he also felt the need to say something to calm the other man down. "Lupin, this happens fairly regularly. There's no point in having a panic attack every time. I'll see you when I get back. Now just leave and forget about it."
"I don't think I could forget about this if I tried," Lupin said, quietly.
"Lupin, I have to leave!" Severus was becoming desperate, whatever Lupin felt needed resolving between the two of them it was going to have to wait or he might not be coming back in any condition to resolve it.
Lupin nodded, seeming to finally catch on to the fact that Severus did not have the time to hold a conversation. "Be careful."
Severus nodded briefly in response, "Go home Lupin," he sighed, he really didn't want to do this. Still, certain things were necessary and sadly his information about the deatheaters activities was one of those things. He turned without another word and walked swiftly up the corridor. Upon reaching his room he grabbed the portkey which would take him to the castle gates and activated it. He discarded it upon reaching the gates and apparated instantly to the Dark Lord's side.
"You're late, Severus," a low voice, next to his ear, whispered unnervingly. Not that Severus could afford to show he was unnerved.
He bowed his head respectfully, turning to see the Dark Lord before him, "I apologise my Lord, I was with some of the other Hogwarts staff and it was difficult to excuse myself without arousing suspicion."
"Well we can't have people getting suspicious, now can we? I hope you were careful, Severus."
"I was my Lord."
The Dark Lord smiled his usual cold, cruel smile, "Good, I knew you would not fail me. Recent events have been most trying."
"I feel sure that they will provide you with no more than a temporary set back my Lord."
The smile widened slightly, "Ah Severus, I do love your faith." He placed a fatherly hand on Severus shoulder and guided him to another room. Severus had no idea where they were, somewhere outside of Britain he assumed, there were no windows and all the rooms were ill lit and unremarkable. He followed the Dark Lord into the potions laboratory with carefully suppressed relief, if all he wanted was another potion then this would not be one of his worst nights.
"How can I serve you, my Lord?"
"I require another one or two of your potions, Severus, the instructions are on the table as to what we need. I'm afraid I must leave you to it, I have other things to attend to."
Severus inclined his head towards the man who had once been Tom Riddle, "I'll get to work immediately, my Lord."
"I'll be back later to see how you're doing." The always unspoken threat, they both knew that if Severus was not doing as he was told, when and how he was told, exactly as the Dark Lord wished, the consequences would not be pleasant for him.
He watched as the Dark Lord left, only turning to look at the list of potions he had to create when he was out of sight. 'One or two' was in fact nearer ten different potions he was required to brew. Severus didn't mind though, none of them were too difficult for him and he would much rather brew the potions than see other aspects of the Death Eaters activities.
Once the various cauldrons were bubbling away, he moved between them, stirring and adding ingredients while his mind began to drift. Thanks to his skill and experience there were few potions now which required his full attention and none of the ones he was currently brewing did, so Severus found his mind wandering back to the previous events of the day, anything but dwell on what else it was the Dark Lord had gone to attend to.
He had been surprised by Lupin's arrival that afternoon, the man had been avoiding him for over a week and Severus had been pleased to see an end to that. Lupin had often proved a welcome distraction over the last few weeks. With the school year over Severus had often found his unoccupied mind focusing on things he would much rather forget. The werewolf was an annoyance but he found he rarely thought about the Dark Lord and his dual role when Lupin was around. He snorted in irritation at the idea that he had in some way needed Lupin's help or for that matter needed anyone's help. Probably the one use the mangy creature has ever had in his miserable life.
He added another shrivelfig to one of the potions and his mind was drawn back to the events in the forest. His first thought at the werewolf falling over his own feet had been how typically annoying of him it was. It was Lupin's continuous innuendo however which had finally baited Severus far enough for him to try a different tactic in their ongoing verbal conflict. He been fairly sure that, despite all of Lupin's talk, were he to actually respond to his not so subtle flirtation the other man would back off in fear.
Severus Snape was capable of being a deeply sadistic man when the occasion called for it and Remus Lupin had been asking for trouble ever since he had gained the last word upon entering the forest. It had been with this in mind that Severus had pulled him closer, allowing his hand to brush across his hip, the sadist in him taking pleasure in the look of fear, shock and intimidation in the other man, also the flush that told Severus Lupin had enjoyed it. He found the fact that the man could knowingly play with fire and then be surprised that he had got burnt very amusing to watch.
The memory of the incident brought a small smile unbidden to his lips. But this wouldn't do, he thought, he couldn't spend his time thinking about Remus Lupin and he had no desire to do so.
He stopped smiling and instead went back to his long-standing considerations of where he was; the Dark Mark created a link to Voldemort which meant he could apparate to his side without knowing his location. There were few clues to their whereabouts though, Severus had tried speaking to the other Death Eaters but no else seemed to know where they were either. Dumbledore and other members of the Order had been putting pressure on him to find out the location but so far Severus had failed to do so. Demonstrating excessive curiosity was not a good idea, in fact it was one which would likely get him killed, but he had to try.
Severus was still paying the price for the mistakes of his youth, he was denied a normal life and that fact had been clearly demonstrated before when the Dark Lord's summons had taken him from Lupin's company. He was aware that though his actions towards the other man that afternoon had begun as sadistic fun they had escalated to the point where he now wondered what would have happened had he not been called away. The manner in which Lupin had brushed his arm as they had descended the stairs and, perhaps more relevantly, the fact that he had allowed him to suggested that the nature of their relationship was altering and that tea probably wasn't the only thing on either of their minds. He wasn't sure in retrospect whether his being called away therefore was a good thing or not. He was not going to think about Lupin though!
He turned his attention back to the potions, several of which were already finished. He extinguished the fire to allow them to cool and focused on the others. For the next half an hour he was able to keep his attention on the remaining cauldrons, they did not require so much focus but if left to its own devices his mind seemed to have developed a tendency to wander. It was the direction it tended to wander in that was the most annoying part and was also slightly disturbing.
He was forced to admit to himself that developments with Lupin were beginning to unnerve him. The werewolf's innuendo he had at first written off as just a new way to annoy him, something Lupin seemed intent on making a career out of, probably because the lycanthopy amusingly prevents him making a career of anything else. However, it had been his reaction to catching Severus in bed that had first made Severus doubt that that was all that was going on. Lupin had acted very strangely, he had been too flustered to simply have thought Severus was going to exact revenge for the intrusion, it had been almost as though he...as though he had another motive behind that innuendo and flirtation beside Severus' discomfort. A theory that had been backed up by Lupin's reaction to him in the forest but it made no sense. After all the idea that anyone would feel anything but fear and contempt for him was ludicrous enough, causing him to doubt the truth of those people who claimed to be his friends, but the idea that Lupin's feelings on the matter had moved somewhere beyond friendship was beyond laughable. It was also deeply unsettling.
Lupin had undeniably reacted to his touch in the forest and if Severus was honest with himself, not necessarily an easy thing for a man so accustomed to self-deception, Lupin was not the only one who had reacted. His mind leapt back to the way Lupin had shook his hand the morning after the full moon, to the shock of...something that had run through him and more particularly to the shared glance with Lupin that had indicated they had both felt it. But this really was ridiculous, so he'd got a static shock from Lupin that was all. As for the events in the forest, of course he'd enjoyed it after all he did like watching people suffer, particularly one of those people who had made his high school years so unbearable, and Lupin had looked very uncomfortable. It had not been part of the plan for Lupin to enjoy it as well as being uncomfortable, why would he want him to? He wouldn't.
Still he was beginning to think that what he had done was not his best idea to date. He was not supposed to go around stroking Lupin's hip and then agonising over it, he was supposed to go around poisoning Lupin's wolfsbane and then throwing a party to celebrate getting rid of him. Not that he was agonising but he shouldn't be thinking about it at all.
It was with this in mind that he forced his thoughts back to the beetles he was viciously grinding into a fine powder, only to realise that he had long ago finished. He added them slowly to the right cauldron, stirring them in.
Once the potions were finished he turned his thoughts to his lucky escape on this occasion. Lately every time he had been summoned it had been to something horrific, something he would rather forget but knew he never would no matter how long he lived. Not that he was likely to live very long, this deception could not work forever and the chances were that he would be discovered before the Dark Lord was defeated. He had lived with this thought for so long it no longer held much power over him, he had little to live for and it was not as though he would leave anyone behind. Unless you counted Remus Lupin and Severus wasn't sure that he did.
He was beginning to get very annoyed, no matter what he thought about his mind seemed to drift back to the subject of Remus Lupin of its own accord.
"Severus?" A voice from the doorway surprised him, he should have been paying more attention. "Finished yet?"
"Yes my Lord." Severus was furious with himself for allowing himself to be caught off guard.
"You seemed distracted Severus, what were you thinking? Tell me."
It was more of an effort than usual to clear his mind, to not allow the Dark Lord to see his true thoughts. He seemed satisfied however as Severus answered, "I was merely wondering how the recruitment was going?"
"Well you can come and see for yourself, we're having a little initiation ritual tonight and then we're going to have a little fun. I came to fetch you if you'd finished, I knew you wouldn't want to miss the entertainment."
Severus had a horrible idea of what kind of 'entertainment' the Dark Lord was referring to and shuddered internally. Perhaps tonight would not be so easy after all.
XXXXXXX
Back at Grimmauld Place Remus tried to forget everything in the noise and bustle of the Weasley family whose second son Charlie had recently returned from Romania and had thankfully taken Tonks' attention away from Remus. Not that her attention to Charlie was in anyway positive, they were constantly bickering from what he had seen, but at least the girl seemed to have forgotten her previous crush a little. It didn't matter what Remus did though he couldn't forget where Severus currently was and he tossed and turned trying to sleep that night. No news had yet arrived and the tension in his stomach was getting worse, the fear that something could have happened to Severus was all his over-active mind could focus on.
A sudden tapping at the window disturbed him just as he was drifting off into a troubled sleep. He climbed out of bed and threw back the heavy drapes to see a tawny owl tapping insistently against the glass. "Well you're impatient aren't you?" he muttered and pulled open the window to let the bird fly inside.
With trembling fingers he untied the note from the bird's leg, the owl gave him a nip when it decided he was taking too long but eventually Remus had the note in his hand.
Minerva insisted I owl you to let you know I was alright. I'm fine, though I doubt you care anyway.
Severus Snape
Remus couldn't find it in him to be annoyed at Severus' cold tone, a combination of relief and sympathy for the other man blocked out everything else. The owl looked tired and he stroked it's feathers affectionately, surprised when it refrained from trying to bite him again. "I'm sorry, I haven't got any owl treats."
The owl gave a little hoot of disappointment before turning it's back on him superciliously and flying out the still open window. "Trust Severus to even have an owl that thinks I'm beneath it!" Remus chuckled.
XXXXXXX
Arriving back at Hogwarts Severus was exhausted and felt rather like he had been run over by the Hogwarts Express, the Dark Lord had been in a terribly unpredictable mood that night and it seemed none of them had escaped his ridiculous temper. Personally Severus thought the fact that the Dark Lord was becoming more unstable was both a good and a bad thing, it was a bad thing for anyone who had to go near him but he supposed it would be a good thing if he lost what small grip he had on reality, thus allowing the Order and the Ministry to defeat him.
He walked slowly up to the school, not appreciating the long walk. The entrance hall was empty and dimly lit as he made his way across it and he was grateful for that, he had neither the inclination to deal with people or anything of any great value to report.
Upon reaching his rooms he downed a pain-killing potion to at least relieve the throbbing headache he had developed. He collapsed in a chair wondering if he'd have the strength or the inclination to make it to bed or he'd simply fall asleep where he was. He had not been sat for long though when a knock at the door grabbed his attention.
He raised his wand and cautiously opened the door to see Minerva McGonagall stood behind it.
"Hello Severus, I thought you were back."
"Been prowling the corridors in feline form have you?" He despised that as a cat she was capable of effectively spying on him without him noticing.
"No, I was looking out of the window of my office and saw someone coming across the grounds, I assumed it would be you."
"Well I've no new information."
"That's not what I'm here for. I came to see if you were alright?"
"I'm fine."
She looked sceptical, "Well I also wanted to ask you to write to Remus."
Remus bloody Lupin, why could he not get away from him? "Why?"
"He came to see me after you'd been summoned earlier, he seemed so worried about you Severus. He really does care you know and I promised him I'd get you to write to him as soon as you got back."
Severus sighed, "Do it yourself if you care so much about him."
McGonagall was used to his unfriendly attitude upon returning from the Dark Lord's summons and refused to take it personally. "No. He wants to hear from you not me, he's worried about you."
Irritated by the other man's seemingly endless concern and compassion Severus snapped, "He's an idiot!"
"Severus! He cares about you and I'd say you're dangerously close to caring about him. Just face it Severus not everyone in this world hates you. Now write him a quick note and then get to sleep, you look terrible!"
What did she expect him to look like? Severus rolled his eyes, "Fine, I will write to him, now go and let me sleep Minerva."
She smiled affectionately at him, "Goodnight Severus, I'm glad you're back in one piece."
He was too tired to return her smile but he nodded and when he spoke his tone was less cold than usual, "Goodnight Minerva."
He watched her leave and closed the door, locking it securely to discourage any other visitors, he certainly had no intentions of answering the door if anyone else dropped by.
In fact it was only the thought that the man might decide to come and find him if he didn't hear from him that made Severus decide to send Lupin a note. It was, of the two, the lesser evil.
He pulled some parchment from a drawer and grabbed a quill before wondering what to write, what on earth did Lupin want to hear?
Who cared what Lupin wanted to hear? The bloody werewolf would just have to make do with what Severus could be bothered writing, which wasn't going to be much.
Why did he care? Why could the man not just leave him alone? It wasn't as though Severus even wanted anyone to care.
The thought had struck him that Lupin was a distraction he could not afford, he had been thinking about him when he should have been focusing on other things and if he had been a split second longer in clearing his mind before...he didn't want to think about what would have happened. And it wouldn't have just been to him, watching the night's 'entertainment' had reminded him of the danger for anyone who got close to him. The developments in their relationship would put Lupin in danger as well and Severus never wanted to have to stand by and watch him be hurt like that. Not that he would stand by. He was angry because McGonagall had been right, he might just be dangerously close to caring about Lupin and that was the last thing he had wanted to do.
Instinct was telling him to push Lupin away, to show him his concern was not wanted or welcome. He finally dipped the quill in an inkpot and scribbled a note.
Minerva insisted I owl you to let you know I was alright. I'm fine, though I doubt you care anyway.
Severus Snape
He tied the note to his owl's leg. Thankfully the tawny owl he had had for many years lived in his rooms, flying in and out through a high open window which was a rare luxury down in the dungeons he had inhabited for so long. Had he lived in the owlery with the other owls Severus doubted he'd have bothered sending the note, he didn't have the strength or the inclination to walk that far.
He stroked the owl's feathers gently, "Take this to Grimmauld Place, Iago, to Remus Lupin."
Iago hooted softly, brushing Severus' hand with his wing as he took flight and left with the note.
Severus watched the owl leave and wondered if he should have sent the note at all, was he simply encouraging the werewolf his in irritating habit of thinking of them as friends? That was the last thing he needed to do. Thanks to Lupin he'd hardly had a moments peace all summer, the stupid creature couldn't even leave him alone when he had been summoned and had instead decided that it was alright to risk Severus' life by keeping him hanging about asking stupid questions. Well, with any luck, the note had been too cold to encourage Lupin in any future attempts at friendship, had shown clearly that he was only writing to shut Minerva up. It would keep Lupin away from him. Show him hopefully that he didn't care.
It wasn't until he was on the verge of falling asleep and knew he would not remember it the next morning though that he allowed himself to face the idea that maybe he didn't want to push Lupin away from him.
XXXXXXX
A/N: Right, I'm going away tomorrow so the next update will be on the 10th or 11th July as I said in the last chapter. I'll try for the tenth but it may have to wait until the next day depending on when I get back.
You could give me lots of reviews to come home to! Hint, hint! Just try and let me know what you think of Severus' point of view. There's a little more of that to come at the start of the last chapter, which will be the next one. I'm afraid we're nearly at an end but I will be posting a little related one-shot (see notes at end of chapter seven for details).