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Forgiveness
Rory woke up from the sunlight shining right into her eyes. It was so bright it almost blinded her and it took her a while to pull herself together. She needed a few seconds to make up the thoughts in her mind and to realize that it was morning . Where was she? Oh yeah, it was summer, she was back in Stars Hollow with her mom and Luke and Lane and Kirk and Tailor and Dean- Dean, oh my god. Dean. It hit her all of a sudden. She had slept with Dean. Dean, who was married. Lindsey's Dean. Former boy-friend Dean. All the events of last night came back to her. She remembered her mom walking in on them, she remembered their argument, she remembered rushing out of the house. She remembered thinking that everything was right, that she hadn't done anything wrong, After all it was Dean right? She made the right choice. It wasn't Jess, and she thought her mother should have been happy. After all Lorelai always approved of him. Dean was the guy for her. He was always there, she could rely on him, he was the good guy, he treated her right. And most of all, he never came back to mess up her life again and again and then just took off. He didn't tell her he loved her just in order to walk away from her again, or drive for that matter. He didn't ask her to give up her life to come with him. He didn't leave her crying... Right then Rory could feel a tear forming in her eye. It was like in slow-motion: She could feel it building up, getting bigger, so big that it finally rolled down her cheek and dropped from her chin. And then there was another one coming faster this time. And another one, and more and more and finally she was sobbing, bursting on the inside and outside. She collapsed onto her bed. What had she done? She had lost her virginity to a married man. She had betrayed Dean's wife. She had made him cheat on his wife. She was an adulterer. In the past people had been killed for that. She the good girl, the valedictorian that went to Yale had been "the other woman". Her mother's words kept echoeing in her head. She had made her mother angry. She had disappointed her. She remembered the look on Lorelai's face when she saw the messed up sheets on Rory's bed confirming the suspicion she had had upon seeing Dean come out of Rory's room... Rory couldn't take it any longer. Everything had seemed right to her at the moment. It was Dean after all. She once had dropped him for Jess, which everyone had told her was the wrong decision. And then Jess had hurt her. He had hurt her for real. He had left without a word and he had come back and messed everything up again. But Dean had been there for her. He would never hurt her. He was the right one. Everything was in his favour. This thought had been in her mind the previous night. Everything was in Dean's favour. He was supposed to be her first time. Yet, what had seemed right before didn't seem so right now. No, even more, it felt wrong, totally wrong. Rory knew that her mother had been right. Rory knew that she had made a mistake. A huge mistake. Dean was married. He had made a mistake as well. The two of them had made a mistake. Suddenly it hit Rory: She had messed up her first time. It never had occurred to her that her first time would be like this. Her first time was always supposed to feel right, but this one didn't. It was supposed to be with someone she loved... Oh my god, did she love Dean? The answer should be yes, but it wouldn't come. Did she love Dean?
Lorelai could hear her daughter sobbing in her room, when she entered the house. Normally she would have gone into Rory's room immediately, but she had to recollect herself first this morning. She still could not believe what Rory had done. Rory had followed in her footsteps, something Lorelai never imagined could happen. Rory had slept with a married guy. Not that this wasn't bad, but it was worse: Rory hadn't realized her fault. She had justified herself, she had said that everything was alright. Lorelai sighed when remembering their fight the night before. She couldn't remember a fight that bad. It was probably the worst they ever had. Rory would not admit her fault, not until she had tried to call Dean and had gotten Lindsey instead. Then Rory had collapsed on the porch and Lorelai knew at once that Rory knew. Rory had realized her mistake. It hurt Lorelai to see her like that but she couldn't do anything about it. The only thing she could do was to sit down beside her and hold her. She couldn't say a word, she couldn't say things like "It's gonna be alright". She just was so disappointed. Plus, it wasn't going to be alright. This was a major thing and it would take a lot to recover from this. Lorelai sighed once more and decided to finally go in to see her daughter. Again she wrapped her arms around Rory.
"Mom, I am sorry. I was awful to you last night. I didn't mean it. I messed up. I know it was wrong. It was all wrong. I thought it was right but that's not true. I slept with Dean. He's married and I am not better than any of these girls who sleep with as many guys that they can get. I am a slut."
Rory started crying again. It kept coming in waves and she started shaking. Lorelai tightened the grip around her daughter and put her head on hers, softly running her hand over Rory's hair.
"Hush, hush, honey. You're not a slut and I know you didn't mean what you said last night. Don't worry about that."
"Mom how can you ever forgive me? How can anyone ever forgive me? How can I even forgive myself?" The last words showed the immense devastation Rory was feeling. How could she ever feel better? How could she ever make this right again? She couldn't. She would never be able to fix this.
"Rory, I am your mom. Even if there's no one else, I will always forgive you. I love you. I raised you. I will always forgive you." Lorelai said that and it was the truth. She loved Rory more than anything in her life and she would always be there for her. No matter what.
So they sat there for a while. To Lorelai it seemed like forever, but Rory was slowly pulling herself together. She stopped crying, wiped her eyes, straightened up and removed herself from her mother's arms. The disappointment, sadness and devastation however were still clearly in visible in her features. Lorelai had never seen Rory's eyes so dead.
"Rory, do you love Dean?" All of a sudden it was out there. Lorelai heard herself asking. She couldn't believe it at first, but once it was out, she knew she couldn't take it back.
"Mom, I......"
"Rory? I know it's hard, but do you love Dean?"
"I don't know...I..."
"Rory. Ask yourself, do you truly love Dean? Do you want to be with him? Is it him you love?"
It took a while for Rory to answer and she gazed at her mother in shock, but then she said it and knew it was true.
"No- no mom, I don't love Dean." It was the truth. Why hadn't she realized it before? She didn't love Dean! He was a friend, that was sure, but nothing more. Although she should have loved him, she didn't. She had let herself be persuaded by everyone around her, who had comforted her after Jess had broken her heart, who had said that Dean wouldn't have done it... She had wanted to make up for the mistake she had made, according to everyone else, when she had left Dean for Jess. She wanted to make up to her mother who had never approved of Jess but who has always loved Dean. She had wanted to fix everything, but she had made a bad choice...
"I don't love Dean." Rory now looked straight into Lorelai's eyes knowing that these words made it even worse, but also knowing that she couldn't fight the truth anymore. It had happened. She had lied to herself and she couldn't keep doing that. She had to be honest. Lorelai when meeting Rory's gaze could sense her daughter's emotion. Rory after all stopped lying to herself. She was on the way to the next step. Realization. As much as Lorelai wanted to, she wouldn't be able to fix this for Rory. Rory had to do that herself. The only thing Lorelai could do was help. Whether Rory would take her advice though, was a different question.
"Okay. You need to go talk to him then. We don't know what he's up to, he might be breaking up with Lindsey, he might not, but you need to talk to him anyways. You need to tell him how you feel. I don't know about his feelings, but even if he loves you and no matter how he decides on the future of his marriage. He has to know the truth. No matter how much it hurts him, you have to tell him that you do not love him."
"Mom-"
"No Rory, you have to get this straight all at once. You must do this. Right now. As soon as possible."
"Yes, okay Mom. I know, I would have done it anyways without you lecturing me." Rory was somewhat angry again and Lorelai knew that she had treated her daughter like a child again forgetting her real age. Yet, Rory had acted like a child the night before.
"Mom, can we go to Luke and get breakfast first though? I need something to eat in order to be strong enough to do this. I know it sounds pathetic, but I could use some caffeine. Plus, I don't want to go to his house because of Lindsey. I don't know if she knows but I do not want her to see me and make things worse for her in either way. I will call Dean and tell him to meet me at the bridge."
"Okay dear. Do it that way. I need coffee, too. Let's go to Luke's". Luke, even though Lorelai felt miserable because of Rory, she lightened up when thinking about Luke and their kisses. She hadn't seen him after he had gone chasing Kirk. When she got back to the inn she went straight to bed, because she was so exhausted and this morning she wanted to get back to Rory as soon as she had everything fixed for breakfast at the inn. She hoped he would be there in his diner. She needed to see him. She needed comfort. She needed to see the man she loved...
Forgiveness
Rory woke up from the sunlight shining right into her eyes. It was so bright it almost blinded her and it took her a while to pull herself together. She needed a few seconds to make up the thoughts in her mind and to realize that it was morning . Where was she? Oh yeah, it was summer, she was back in Stars Hollow with her mom and Luke and Lane and Kirk and Tailor and Dean- Dean, oh my god. Dean. It hit her all of a sudden. She had slept with Dean. Dean, who was married. Lindsey's Dean. Former boy-friend Dean. All the events of last night came back to her. She remembered her mom walking in on them, she remembered their argument, she remembered rushing out of the house. She remembered thinking that everything was right, that she hadn't done anything wrong, After all it was Dean right? She made the right choice. It wasn't Jess, and she thought her mother should have been happy. After all Lorelai always approved of him. Dean was the guy for her. He was always there, she could rely on him, he was the good guy, he treated her right. And most of all, he never came back to mess up her life again and again and then just took off. He didn't tell her he loved her just in order to walk away from her again, or drive for that matter. He didn't ask her to give up her life to come with him. He didn't leave her crying... Right then Rory could feel a tear forming in her eye. It was like in slow-motion: She could feel it building up, getting bigger, so big that it finally rolled down her cheek and dropped from her chin. And then there was another one coming faster this time. And another one, and more and more and finally she was sobbing, bursting on the inside and outside. She collapsed onto her bed. What had she done? She had lost her virginity to a married man. She had betrayed Dean's wife. She had made him cheat on his wife. She was an adulterer. In the past people had been killed for that. She the good girl, the valedictorian that went to Yale had been "the other woman". Her mother's words kept echoeing in her head. She had made her mother angry. She had disappointed her. She remembered the look on Lorelai's face when she saw the messed up sheets on Rory's bed confirming the suspicion she had had upon seeing Dean come out of Rory's room... Rory couldn't take it any longer. Everything had seemed right to her at the moment. It was Dean after all. She once had dropped him for Jess, which everyone had told her was the wrong decision. And then Jess had hurt her. He had hurt her for real. He had left without a word and he had come back and messed everything up again. But Dean had been there for her. He would never hurt her. He was the right one. Everything was in his favour. This thought had been in her mind the previous night. Everything was in Dean's favour. He was supposed to be her first time. Yet, what had seemed right before didn't seem so right now. No, even more, it felt wrong, totally wrong. Rory knew that her mother had been right. Rory knew that she had made a mistake. A huge mistake. Dean was married. He had made a mistake as well. The two of them had made a mistake. Suddenly it hit Rory: She had messed up her first time. It never had occurred to her that her first time would be like this. Her first time was always supposed to feel right, but this one didn't. It was supposed to be with someone she loved... Oh my god, did she love Dean? The answer should be yes, but it wouldn't come. Did she love Dean?
Lorelai could hear her daughter sobbing in her room, when she entered the house. Normally she would have gone into Rory's room immediately, but she had to recollect herself first this morning. She still could not believe what Rory had done. Rory had followed in her footsteps, something Lorelai never imagined could happen. Rory had slept with a married guy. Not that this wasn't bad, but it was worse: Rory hadn't realized her fault. She had justified herself, she had said that everything was alright. Lorelai sighed when remembering their fight the night before. She couldn't remember a fight that bad. It was probably the worst they ever had. Rory would not admit her fault, not until she had tried to call Dean and had gotten Lindsey instead. Then Rory had collapsed on the porch and Lorelai knew at once that Rory knew. Rory had realized her mistake. It hurt Lorelai to see her like that but she couldn't do anything about it. The only thing she could do was to sit down beside her and hold her. She couldn't say a word, she couldn't say things like "It's gonna be alright". She just was so disappointed. Plus, it wasn't going to be alright. This was a major thing and it would take a lot to recover from this. Lorelai sighed once more and decided to finally go in to see her daughter. Again she wrapped her arms around Rory.
"Mom, I am sorry. I was awful to you last night. I didn't mean it. I messed up. I know it was wrong. It was all wrong. I thought it was right but that's not true. I slept with Dean. He's married and I am not better than any of these girls who sleep with as many guys that they can get. I am a slut."
Rory started crying again. It kept coming in waves and she started shaking. Lorelai tightened the grip around her daughter and put her head on hers, softly running her hand over Rory's hair.
"Hush, hush, honey. You're not a slut and I know you didn't mean what you said last night. Don't worry about that."
"Mom how can you ever forgive me? How can anyone ever forgive me? How can I even forgive myself?" The last words showed the immense devastation Rory was feeling. How could she ever feel better? How could she ever make this right again? She couldn't. She would never be able to fix this.
"Rory, I am your mom. Even if there's no one else, I will always forgive you. I love you. I raised you. I will always forgive you." Lorelai said that and it was the truth. She loved Rory more than anything in her life and she would always be there for her. No matter what.
So they sat there for a while. To Lorelai it seemed like forever, but Rory was slowly pulling herself together. She stopped crying, wiped her eyes, straightened up and removed herself from her mother's arms. The disappointment, sadness and devastation however were still clearly in visible in her features. Lorelai had never seen Rory's eyes so dead.
"Rory, do you love Dean?" All of a sudden it was out there. Lorelai heard herself asking. She couldn't believe it at first, but once it was out, she knew she couldn't take it back.
"Mom, I......"
"Rory? I know it's hard, but do you love Dean?"
"I don't know...I..."
"Rory. Ask yourself, do you truly love Dean? Do you want to be with him? Is it him you love?"
It took a while for Rory to answer and she gazed at her mother in shock, but then she said it and knew it was true.
"No- no mom, I don't love Dean." It was the truth. Why hadn't she realized it before? She didn't love Dean! He was a friend, that was sure, but nothing more. Although she should have loved him, she didn't. She had let herself be persuaded by everyone around her, who had comforted her after Jess had broken her heart, who had said that Dean wouldn't have done it... She had wanted to make up for the mistake she had made, according to everyone else, when she had left Dean for Jess. She wanted to make up to her mother who had never approved of Jess but who has always loved Dean. She had wanted to fix everything, but she had made a bad choice...
"I don't love Dean." Rory now looked straight into Lorelai's eyes knowing that these words made it even worse, but also knowing that she couldn't fight the truth anymore. It had happened. She had lied to herself and she couldn't keep doing that. She had to be honest. Lorelai when meeting Rory's gaze could sense her daughter's emotion. Rory after all stopped lying to herself. She was on the way to the next step. Realization. As much as Lorelai wanted to, she wouldn't be able to fix this for Rory. Rory had to do that herself. The only thing Lorelai could do was help. Whether Rory would take her advice though, was a different question.
"Okay. You need to go talk to him then. We don't know what he's up to, he might be breaking up with Lindsey, he might not, but you need to talk to him anyways. You need to tell him how you feel. I don't know about his feelings, but even if he loves you and no matter how he decides on the future of his marriage. He has to know the truth. No matter how much it hurts him, you have to tell him that you do not love him."
"Mom-"
"No Rory, you have to get this straight all at once. You must do this. Right now. As soon as possible."
"Yes, okay Mom. I know, I would have done it anyways without you lecturing me." Rory was somewhat angry again and Lorelai knew that she had treated her daughter like a child again forgetting her real age. Yet, Rory had acted like a child the night before.
"Mom, can we go to Luke and get breakfast first though? I need something to eat in order to be strong enough to do this. I know it sounds pathetic, but I could use some caffeine. Plus, I don't want to go to his house because of Lindsey. I don't know if she knows but I do not want her to see me and make things worse for her in either way. I will call Dean and tell him to meet me at the bridge."
"Okay dear. Do it that way. I need coffee, too. Let's go to Luke's". Luke, even though Lorelai felt miserable because of Rory, she lightened up when thinking about Luke and their kisses. She hadn't seen him after he had gone chasing Kirk. When she got back to the inn she went straight to bed, because she was so exhausted and this morning she wanted to get back to Rory as soon as she had everything fixed for breakfast at the inn. She hoped he would be there in his diner. She needed to see him. She needed comfort. She needed to see the man she loved...