(A/N: Lol! Silly Jesse. And of course we're going to get out of it alive…otherwise there would be no collab! Sorry if I killed the suspense there. ~*Sangrita's POV*~)
I. Do. Not. Like. Orcs.
Nor do I like random Orc~like creatures…especially when they're not supposed to be there.
"Jesse!" I yelled to my friend as we were separated, much in the way Pippin says "Merry!" I was just a little upset at the Uruk~Hai being there, and the accent was starting to make itself known. "Jesse! Those aren't supposed to be here!"
I didn't know what good it would do, but I decided to remind the Uruk~Hai of that, too.
"You guys! Go back! You're not supposed to be here yet! Are you crazy? Is Saruman an idiot? Never mind! Don't answer that! This is not Amon~Hen! And if you point one arrow in the general vicinity I will personally–!"
"With all due respect, milady," Legolas cut in, sounding a little irked, "I do not think that you are helping anything…or is this how you deal with such events where you come from?"
Yep. Captain Obvious, all right. Of course I wasn't helping anything! I'm a soprano, not a fighter…or something like that. I'm scared of war. I go to protests. And he expects me to know how to deal with these…things? He should just be glad that I wasn't petrified with fear, babbling incoherently. At least my mind was still functioning, and it was telling me one thing: I was glad that I had gotten some proper travel clothes in Imladris, because it would have been really ridiculous to have died in my geisha costume.
I hoped Jesse was having an easier time of it than I was.
~*~
"So you see, just because you're a little rough around the edges and kinda short on face cream doesn't mean you have to team up with a wizard who only looks after his own appearance and a flaming eyeball, understand?" She was explaining to some rather confused~looking Uruk~Hai…who then decided to keep on attacking her and Boromir, anyway.
Diplomacy is dead.
~*~
"Thank God I've read the books," I chanted to myself over and over. "Thank God I've read the books…I know how this ends, and Legolas doesn't killed, which means I don't…but Jesse and I were cut out of it, along with the rest of the fan girls! And this didn't happen in the books OR the movie!"
Then, I slapped myself in the face for being a squealing idiot. So there were Uruk~Hai. So they weren't supposed to be there. I wasn't supposed to be there, either, and neither was Jesse. I could act like an idiot, or I could try to help. Taking my cue from Sarah (or Ludo) in Labyrinth I picked up some rocks and started throwing them in the general direction of the Uruk~Hai, wondering if Jesse was off with Boromir doing the same thing. Or maybe she was throwing face cream.
Did she even have face cream with her? It was all most of us could do to find a stream to take a bath in, for God's sake.
Anyway, I didn't have face cream, but I had rocks, and I was throwing them. My aim wasn't as precise as Legolas's but once in awhile I would hit one in the face or something. Not bad, considering that I am not a physical person. Even if Jesse and I were only slightly useful, the Fellowship hadn't forgotten how to fight and were able to get rid of most of the Uruk~Hai without any serious damage to our company.
"Is that it?" Jesse asked.
I elbowed her "gently" in the ribs. What did she mean is that it? Did she want more?
"I meant," she continued, shooting me the famous "I-am-Jesse-and-you-have-crossed-me" look, "Is it over?"
Much better.
"It will not be over, milady, until the Ring has been destroyed," Gandalf commented, as optimistic as ever.
"But it is over for now," Aragorn assured us. At least someone had the right idea of how to talk to two girls experiencing culture-clashes and battles.
Still a little shaken, I grabbed Jesse by the hand, cueing the same little girl and her mother to walk by and stare at us again, and pulled her off to the side for a conference.
"That was scary," I stated unnecessarily. "Really scary. I hope it doesn't happen again. Is it going to happen again? Wait…of course it is!"
She nodded. "Yeah, but this time at Amon-Hen we're not gonna
let Boromir die."
"Of course not!" I was appalled, first by the thought of Boromir dying and then by something else. "Wait a minute, Dearest Jess…if we save Boromir, would that make us eligible to be card-carrying members of the Mary-Sue Fanfic Guild?"
"It would be worth it!"
I made a face at her. "Is it ever worth it?"
"It is for Boromir!"
Point taken. Point taken right away, no assurance needed. The Mary-Sue thing still continued to bother me though, especially as I like to be someone who stands out in a good way.
"It would be a disaster if we were Mary-Sues, though" I
fretted. "I mean, to a degree we already are, dropping in on them like this.
And we really picked a bad time to want to come to Middle Earth…"
"Screw Mary-Sues! I am not letting my Boromir die!"
Jesse was apparently resolved on the matter.
"Okay, okay," I said. "Jeez…I guess it doesn't really matter. A thousand-plus people have already screwed up the plot line, anyway."
~*~*~*
"So what are we going to do with them, then?" Gimli asked the rest of the Fellowship. "We cannot be expected to bring two females along with us!"
"I think we could!" Pippin returned, but a look from Gandalf quieted him pretty quickly.
"You are to keep your eyes on the watch for Nazgul and Orcs, Peregrin Took," the wizard admonished, "and not for pretty new friends."
"At least they can make themselves useful, after a fashion," Boromir said, "even if they have strange ways of going about it." No doubt he was recalling Jesse's attempt to give the Uruk~Hai a talking~to.
They all sat in silence for a moment, until Legolas realized something and got an evil little smile on his face.
"We'll be passing through Lothlorien, if I am correct. Why not let the Marchwarden Haldir deal with them there? If he finds them fit, there shan't be a problem. If he doesn't, then we decide what to do with them."
(A/N: Yes! Let Haldir deal with us! :-D And guess who just got miraculously cast as a geisha in Madama Butterfly? Your turn, Jesse!)