When He Was Mine

By: Maggz

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Chapter 38

I woke up early the next morning disentangling myself from InuYasha's arms and legs. Pulling the duvet back over him, I quietly pulled on my robe and made my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. After cleaning up, I went to make a pot of tea. With my cup ready, I walked out onto the small balcony off the living room of my apartment and sank down on my lounger. The air was cool but not cold and I sipped at my steaming cup of tea and let my thoughts wander.

I wrapped my arms around my pulled up knees and rested my chin there. InuYasha. That was what was on my mind. InuYasha. He was what I thought about. InuYasha. InuYasha and me. What were we doing? Where were we going? Did I love him and did he love me or was it just lust? How would I know? Did he even know? Did I even WANT to know? Was I ready for this? Was he? Did I want to be with just one person? Was he the one? How could I be sure?

I startled when I felt his hand on my shoulder. I don't know how long he had been standing there watching me. Looking up at him, I smiled but he didn't smile back.

"Kagome, what's wrong?", he asked and his hand went to my hair. "Nothing...", I said and looked quickly down. I'd never be able to lie to him, ever, and if he looked into my eyes... well, he'd know I was lying. He slung a leg over the chair and straddled it, sitting so he was facing me. Once there, he pulled my chin up and made me look into his eyes. "You don't love me.", he said simply and I shook my head. "No... I... well, I don't know, InuYasha. It feels like love but I've so many questions.", I said.

I was terrified. I was afraid of losing him. I was afraid to speak my mind. How would I get over him if he left me? But how could I lie to him?

"I love you.", he said and I started to cry. "Hey, don't cry, no reason to. It's OK. I know you're confused and I've pushed you on things, acted an ass. You're bound to be confused. It's OK, Kagome. It's OK", he said and pulled me up into his lap. I cried against his chest, much the same as I had last night, only now for very different reasons.

I had so many things going thru my mind. Part of me wanted only him forever. Knew that if I lost him, I'd never get him back and berated me for opening my big mouth. But another part of me, just as big, wondered if I was doing the right thing getting so involved with him. It wasn't like he was a regular guy with a normal life, it wasn't like he wouldn't be tempted to be with other women. It was more like it would kill me to love him and then lose him over something like that.

What did I do? And what did I say? We had no time for games. He could be home a few days and then back on the road for five months without me seeing him. I was a mixed up, emotional mess and I hated myself for it.

"Kagome? You have to tell me what's going on in your head. I can't help if you don't tell me.", InuYasha whispered against my hair. "I can't...", I cried, clutching at him. "You can and you will.." he said. "I don't wanna hurt you...", I said and brushed the tears away from my eyes. "You're afraid you're gonna hurt me? How? You're not planning on breaking with me are you?", he asked, his amber eyes wide.

"InuYasha, what's to break? What do we have?", I asked him. "What do you mean, ''What do we have?'", he asked, surprised. "We have each other...", he said. "But is it just… I mean, is it sex, is that all it is?", I asked him and blushed crimson. "Kagome! Is that what this is about? Last night? You're worried that's all we have?", he asked. "Well, a bit...", I answered him.

"I can't deny I don't like having you in me bed but really, don't you know me better than that by now?", he smiled. "I think I know you but then something just steps in and blows that confidence away the satisfied feeling. I don't know why and I hate feeling like this. I just wish we had kept it like we first talked of. You know, taking it one day at a time. What ever comes, will come. I was the one that said that, now look at me.", I said and started to cry again.

"Kagome, come on. You're putting yourself through this for nothing. Forgive me but... well. Is it time... your time... your time of the month? Are you having PMS, is that what this could be?", he asked me and sat back to look at me. "INUYASHA!", I said and moved to get up. He could be so crude sometimes!

"Kagome, don't be so damned shy! You think I don't know about that!?", he asked as he pushed me back down in the chair. "I know you know about it, you just don't know about MINE!", I said. "Well you never answered, could that be what is wrong?", he asked. "Why would that even cross your mind, InuYasha?", I asked him and he shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. You're very emotional, you're moody. I just was thinking.", he said and waited for me to answer.

"I, well... maybe... maybe it's time but really! I never get that way, EVER...", I stated emphatically. "Oh, really? I thought all ladies got 'like that'", he said and his lips curved up slowly into a grin. "Well, maybe you just thought WRONG... not THIS lady!", I said and pushed off him, swinging my legs to one side of the lounger and grabbing my tea cup.

"Hey! Where are you going?", he asked me and got up to come after me. "Inside. I'm cold and it's gotten crowded out here all of a sudden.", I said and flounced inside. He followed me and I could hear his chuckling behind me. I banged my teacup down in the sink and turned abruptly to go to my bedroom but ended up in his arms instead.

"Slow down, Kagome, my lil' hothead! Slow down...", InuYasha murmured, his finger coming up to trace a path against my throat and chest where the robe opened. "You never think before you explode, do you?", he smiled. "No.", I answered quietly, for it was true. "Give us some time, Kagome. You don't have to worry that I'll disappear on you. I mean, I'll leave and go on tour for months at a time, but I'm planning on being with you for the long haul. I mean that with all me heart, OK?", he said as he brought his fingers to my lips. "But, InuYasha...", I started and he pressed his index finger to my lips to silence me.

"Nope, not buts. Nothing, just... just let me show you so you'll see what I mean. Trust me, can you?", he asked. "I can try but InuYasha, what does it benefit you to be with me? I mean, if you're away for months on end, why do you need me? God knows there are hundreds, thousands of women and girls after you to sleep with them. It's easy, I'm sure. I don't want you if it's gonna be like that. If you can't be true to me then I don't want an 'us', and I'm not sure asking you to BE true is fair to you, is it? I mean, when a beautiful girl comes up to you and you've not seen me for weeks, or I've ticked you off somehow, or you're just plain tired of me... is it fair of me to expect you NOT to want to be with her?", I asked him.

"You're serious?", he asked. "Deadly.", I answered him. "Kagome....", he said and heaved a huge sigh. "Yes?", I answered. "You just can't believe me, can you?", he said and moved away from me, turned his back and walked to the sofa. He slumped down on the sofa and put his head in his hands. I didn't know what to do so I stood where I was, waited a minute then turned and walked back to the sink to rinse out my cup, taking my time to dry it and put it back in the cupboard. I pulled down another cup automatically and set about making InuYasha a cup of tea. I never looked up to look at him, just kept at my task and once finished walked into the living room and sat down next to him, nudging him with my elbow and handing him his tea cup when he looked at me.

"Thanks.", he said softly and took the cup from me, his fingers brushing mine. He took a long swallow and another before setting the cup down in front of him on the coffee table and then he turned to me, taking my hands in his. "Kagome... I'm gonna say this once more. I want you to listen, OK?", he said slowly and I nodded and waited.

"I only want to be with you.", he said and sat looking at me for a full minute before going on. I could only sit and wait to see what he'd say. "I've told you over and over again... I'm not gonna be a player, I don't want to be. I wanted you from the beginning. It was like, hell I don't know, like a spark... something... but I know you felt it too. It was like everything just slid into place with you that first time. And it's only gotten stronger... well, at least for me. I can only speak for myself, but how could you NOT feel the same?", he said. "I love you. I know it seems strange, it felt strange to me when I realized it but it doesn't anymore, it hasn't for awhile. You were what kept me going on this last trip away from home... YOU, Kagome.", he said. "Just knowing you were back here, that you were my girl, that you'd be here for me to call and to talk to... to share things with, to buy things for, to plan things with... it made a huge difference. Ask any of the guys, they'll tell you I was much easier to live with. And it was all because of YOU!", he said.

I had started to cry again. I couldn't help it, the tears just started and rolled down my face as I listened to him. He DID love me. It WAS true. Maybe it was safe to peel away the protection I'd put around myself and let him in, all the way in.

"If I could do one thing for you, Kagome, do you know what that would be?", he asked as he slid his hands to my face and thumbed the tears away. "What?", I whispered back. "I'd give you the ability to see into my heart so that you would know for very sure that I'm being honest with you here, totally honest but I'd also give you the ability to see yourself for who you are, for how special, how beautiful you are. I don't know why but for some reason, your family never gave you that to build on - at least not your mom, that I can see. That's a shame, a real shame cause it seems likes Kikyo got all of that but none of your sweet heart", he said and pulled me into his arms.

My heart had thudded at the mention of Kikyo's name on his lips. I hated hearing it, hated thinking he'd been with her in any way but especially in his bed. "What is it? You're stiffening on me...", InuYasha said and pulled me back from him. "Nothing", I said stubbornly and turned my head away, trying to get up off the sofa and out of his arms. He'd made me mad again… or I'd made myself mad again, what did it matter?, I was pissed and I wanted to be alone, away from him. "Jeez, Kagome, what NOW?", he complained and watched me as I got up.

"I said - nothing, InuYasha", I said and walked toward my room. "Goddamn, Kagome! It's Kikyo isn't it?", he said and I froze, then turned in my tracks to glare at him. "You LIKE saying her name, InuYasha. Is that it?", I shouted. "What the fuck?", he asked and rose from his seat to come toward me. "No, just... just leave me alone. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe you should go to KIKYO and let her explain it to you... Better yet, why don't you just let KIKYO comfort and hold you, sleep with you and FUCK you??", I screamed at him and turned abruptly to run into my room.

I flung myself down on the bed and grabbed my pillow, bawling my eyes out. I hated myself for doing what I'd done. I wanted to show supreme confidence in myself when I was with InuYasha. Being dependent on him wasn't me at all but I found myself becoming more and more dependent on 'being' with him the more I was around him.

I didn't HEAR him come into the room to me but I felt the bed move as he sat down on it. "Kagome...", he said softly and touched my foot, then stroked it. "We have to get your sister out from between us. THAT's what's wrong with you, can't you see it?", he asked. "No, get out.", I said and moved my foot. "Kagome, c'mon now. You're acting like a baby. Stop it.", he said a bit gruffly and I turned on my tummy fully and pulled the pillow over my head to try to stop his voice. He pulled the pillow off my head and laid down next to me, pulling me toward him - his tummy to my back spooning me.

"How can I ever make you see? It's impossible isn't it? Damn, Kagome, I love YOU. I never loved HER, ever.", he said. "Did you TELL her you loved her, InuYasha?", I asked, hating myself. "No, never. Why? Did Kikyo tell you I did?", he asked.

I thought back to the conversations Kikyo and I had had about she and InuYasha. No, she'd never said he 'loved' her. Only that she was crazy about him and wanted to be publicly engaged as soon as possible. She'd never really said she 'loved' him for that matter. I remembered thinking it strange that she seemed more concerned with how she and he looked together than anything other than what gifts or jewelry he could give her.

"So? Did she?", InuYasha asked again and squeezed around my waist, kissing my neck. "No, I don't remember that she did.", I admitted. "Did she ever say she loved ME, then?", he asked. "Why? Did you WANT her to?", I asked him and inched away from him. "There you go again... Get over it, Kagome, just get OVER it.", he said and pulled me back to him hard. "I'm not letting you go. I mean it. I'm wanting to hold you and that's what's gonna happen. How could you be so mean as to NOT let me hold you when that's all I want?", he asked me and kissed my neck once more. "Don't be mean, Kagome, be sweet, I like you sweet... Well, I like you MEAN and BAD too, THAT turns me ON but well, either way turns me on but…", he was talking - mumbling to himself and it made me smile.

I felt his hand unwrap from my waist and creep up my arm and to my cheek. "Is that a smile I'd be feeling?", he laughed against me and I couldn't help it. I laughed too. "Now, so much better. Let's talk!", he said and turned me to my back, slinging his leg over my lower body. "You ARE gonna talk. We ARE gonna get this shit out of the way and you ARE gonna listen to me for once, understand?", he said as he leaned down to take my mouth with his own. He kissed me slowly... so slowly and I loved it, never wanted it to stop.

But it did.

I opened my eyes, his own face mere inches from mine, and looked into his eyes. "OK.", I said. "We'll talk."

A/N: Don't forget to review!