When He Was Mine

By: Maggz

Disclaimer: I'm poor and I own nothing! InuYasha © Rumiko Takahasi.

Author Note: u.u Please don't hate me!

Chapter 45

Sometimes things happen in our lives that we don't understand and can't explain. I suppose the best way to handle those things is to just accept them and go on. This part of my story of InuYasha is the hardest to write but I've told you everything that happened with us so far, and you- as the reader, deserve to know everything. Just be patient with me. It's very hard... even now...

Going back home was bittersweet for me after my three day holiday with InuYasha in Hawaii. In one way it seemed to have been a forever type of time... in another, it seemed to have only lasted a second. I had called him as soon as my plane landed, punching his mobile number into mine as quickly as my fingers could dial it. My hands were shaking as I waited for him to answer. I was half-afraid he'd not answer... I just had this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach and didn't know why.

He picked up on the third ring and it took me a minute to catch my breath, my heart was racing!

"Kagome? Is that you?", he asked and I nodded, then realized at once that he couldn't see me. "Kagome?", he said once more and I suddenly broke my silence. "InuYasha! I'm home...", I said and I heard his laugh, so familiar to me, but now it made me feel so alone. "Excellent. Was it a good flight?", he asked and again I nodded before I realized it. "Kagome, is everything ok?", he asked me and I smiled. "Yes, InuYasha. It's more than OK. Your gift, it was perfect. I don't really know what to say...", I murmured and he was silent for just a minute.

"Just say you love it and you love me. That's all I need.", he said. "I love it, it's so beautiful. And the word there, FOREVER... Oh InuYasha, how do you know just exactly what I always need to hear??", I cried. "Cause I love you, Kagome... and you are mine FOREVER!", he said. "I miss you, InuYasha.", I said and bit my lip. I hadn't wanted to bring him down. "I know, and I miss YOU but when I get home we'll be able to spend a bit of time together. And I was thinking, when you go on summer break you might like to just come on the road with me for a bit of the summer tour. Would you like that?", he asked. "That would be fun. We'll see. At least part of it.", I smiled. "Good. Well, just keep it in mind and don't make any commitments for the summer.", he said. "Ok. Well, I suppose I'll let you go. I should drive on home now.", I said. "Ok, take care. I love you!", he said. "Me too.", I answered back and rang off.

Now I was driving back to my apartment, my life, my existence without InuYasha as a visible presence in my life... at least for awhile.

The next few weeks were full of surprises for me. I'd made the Dean's list and had been in the top 2% of my class. My counselor had called me to his office for a meeting and that was where I was headed that morning as my mobile rang. I grabbed it and saw InuYasha's name displayed. Happily, I picked up the call and made a loud smooching sound into it. "What the fuck?", I heard him exclaim and I laughed hard. "Hi InuYasha. What's up?", I giggled. "Nothing I can tell you about but you might need to use your naughty imagination!", he said lowly. "Ohhhhhhh, InuYasha. Tell me more!", I laughed. "No, just keep in mind that SOMEbody misses YOUR body very much...", he said and I laughed louder. I was feeling on top of the world, nothing could bring me down!

"I'll be home sometime this evening or in the morning, not sure yet. Should I just use the key?", he asked. "Yes, just use the key. I'll be there.", I said. God! I couldn't wait for him to get home to me.

I walked into my counselor's office, Mr. Himura, and was escorted in by his secretary. "Hi there, Kagome.", he smiled and indicated I take a seat across from him. "Hello, Mr. Himura.", I said and seated myself. "Looks like you've something to be proud of!", he smiled as he held my grades up for inspection. "Yes, I'm very proud of that. A lot of hard work and sweat went into those!", I said. "Of that, I have no doubt.", he agreed.

He sat back and folded his hands on his desktop, studying me for a minute.

"Kagome, how did you enjoy your time in America?", he asked. "You mean when I went to school there, abroad?", I asked him. "Yes, did you enjoy living there?", he queried. "I did. I loved it very much.", I answered.

"Good. Now I have something to present to you, something for you to think on long and hard. It's an excellent opportunity, one I'm sure you won't pass up and I'm proud to be able to give it to you.", he said. I sat up straighter in my chair. It was obvious this was going to be some unexpected revelation.

"As you know, we have several work/study programs here that go in tandem with our programs in the States. You can be certified to teach here as well as there, and it's such a wonderful thing to be able to bring both cultures to each country, don't you think? In the position you'll be in, teaching middle level children.", he smiled. "Sure.", I answered back, not sure where this was headed.

"I was contacted last week by Mr. David Lewis from the University you attended in Florida. He's the dean there.", Mr. Himura explained. I nodded and waited. "He has been kept informed of your grades here, wanted to keep up with how you accepted the challenges that were afforded you here at home and he's offering you a chance to finish your studies there. Full on scholarship plus a doctorate degree comes with the package. He says you were quite impressive when you schooled there. Kagome, they want you back!", Mr. Himura said and grinned at me.

My heart thudded away in my chest. I wasn't sure what I felt but mostly it was excitement and pride... pride that my hard work hadn't gone unnoticed. I had worked long and hard to get the grades that had distinguished me among my peers. It would've been so easy for me just to have picked up and gone with InuYasha when he'd asked me to go on tour with him but I had wanted, craved, needed the part of me that was still being developed and honed. The part that felt worth something, the part I was responsible for. Now I was being sought out for something spectacular and my first thought was to grab my phone and tell InuYasha!

"Kagome?", Mr. Himura interrupted my thoughts. "Yes, sir?", I answered. "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity here, you understand that?", he asked me. "Yes, I know.", I said, breathless. "Any ideas what your answer will be or dare I even ask?", he smiled. "I'd love to go... I just... I have to let this sink in. How soon do you need to know?", I asked. "As soon as possible, no later than next Tuesday. And Kagome, this is your future and the future of the children's lives you'll be enriching that we're talking about here.", he said. "I understand, Mr. Himura.", I said as I rose and shook his hand. "Be sure you do. I'll look forward to hearing your positive response.", he smiled. I nodded and walked out the door, or maybe I floated. I wasn't sure.

I walked out onto the lawn with the biggest smile on my face. It was like a dream come true for me. A full scholarship to continue my studies plus earn a doctorate degree and be able to travel abroad and share what I'd learned, what I could teach. I'd known of the program ever since I first went to the States to study. I'd met a girl there who was in the very program Mr. Himura was telling me about now. She'd had to stay there in the States for five years to complete her education then travel back to her own country to begin teaching.

That was when the first wave of unease hit me...

Five years in America... Five years…

Five years further away from InuYasha than I was now...

InuYasha.

I sat down hard on the hood of my car and dropped my bag onto the pavement with a thud. What would I say to him? How would I say it? Did I want to go? How could I not?

I put my head in my hands and breathed deeply. "God, please help me here. I need some kind of guidance. I need to know what to do...", I whispered.

After awhile not feeling any calmer, but with the realization that I did indeed need to get home, I picked up my bag and climbed in my car heading for home. Once there, I showered and changed into my bright teal fleece lounge pants and a matching teal tank top. My mind was awhirl with all the possibilities and I wanted so much to share my news but I wasn't telling anyone until I had spoken to InuYasha... He would be the first.

My heart dropped to my feet everytime I even thought about telling him. I wanted him to be OK with it, to tell me to go ahead, that we would be fine. We could handle the separation. I'd be home on holidays and to visit and maybe Wild Silver would finally break the States. But could we handle it? Would he even want to?

I finally fell into an exhausted restless sleep around midnight and didn't come awake until I realized I wasn't alone in bed. Turning over, I felt the lump that could only be my InuYasha lying against me and I wondered why he hadn't tried to wake me. Turning toward him fully, I cuddled into his arms and breathed him in deep.

"Kagome...", he mumbled and pulled me close but stayed asleep. I figured he was worn out and exhausted from the travel so I stroked his back and went back to sleep myself.

It was near to midmorning before we awoke the next day and it seemed we did it together. I stretched and yawned as he turned over to me and pulled me back against him. "Morning!", he said and rubbed his stubbled cheek against my face. "Morning to you, InuYasha.", I grinned and kissed him at once. "I couldn't wake you last night. You damn near must've been dead!", he growled and I smiled. "I never heard you come in. I can't believe it!", I said. "Guess that shows how much you miss me!", he said and I reached down to tickle his ribs, making him jerk and laugh.

"I missed you so much!", I said. "Hold up your arm!", he said and I held them both straight up in the air. "Ahhhh, just look how pretty that little thing looks on your arm, see?", he said and grabbed my wrist, running his finger over my ID bracelet. "Put out YOUR arm!", I commanded with a laugh and he stuck his out then stuck his tongue out at me. "SEE? It hasn't left my arm!", he said pointedly. "Neither has mine! And it won't. I mean it!", I said. "Good. Now let's get up and have breakfast. I'm fair to starving", he said.

We showered then fixed a big breakfast together while downing our morning tea.

We ate slowly and my mind went to my news. I wanted to pick the right time to tell him and I wanted him to be happy for me.

"Kagome, where are you? You've been a million miles away since we started breakfast. I've asked you the same question twice and still you don't look like you heard me!", he said. "OH, InuYasha. I'm sorry, really. It's just... I need to tell you something.", I said. His eyes changed then, going a deeper shade of amber and his frown deepened.

"You've met somebody", he said and started to push his chair back from the table and away from me. "No. No InuYasha, not that… no...", I said. "And please, sit down... and listen, please!", I begged. He sank back into his chair, his eyes never leaving my face. I smiled at him, to try to show him it was a good thing I wanted to say to him but he wasn't having any of it, his frown remained pasted to his lovely face.

"My meeting with Mr. Himura yesterday...", I started out and he nodded, then picked up his tea for a sip. "Well, I've made the top 2% of my class, InuYasha. I've made the Dean's list.", I explained. "Well, that's great, but I'm not surprised in the least. My girl is very intelligent!", he said with a slow smile. "Thanks, InuYasha but there's more...", I started. I could feel my heart start to beat faster. I so wanted him to be happy for me, it would make it so much easier. I hadn't even LET myself imagine leaving him for the time and space apart that I'd be. I couldn't think on it. It would drive me crazy!

"So, what's up?", he asked and sat forward in his chair. "The college I attended in America, they've kept tabs on me here. The Dean there has requested I come back, work in the program once more on full scholarship and then have my doctorate taken care of with the same bit.", I said and held my breath. He was silent, deadly silent and he picked his tea cup up and stood walking to the sink to rinse it and then put it in the drainer. "InuYasha?", I finally chanced.

He turned to me and stood with his back against the kitchen counter. "What does this mean exactly?", he asked. "Well, just like I said. It means I'll be in America again... for five years... and that.", I had started but he burst out before I could finish. "FIVE YEARS... FIVE FUCKING YEARS??"

My head started to spin... Why was he doing it like this? Why?

"InuYasha, please. Be happy for me!", I said softly. "Happy? Happy you want to leave me? I thought we were starting something here, Kagome.", he said. "I love you, InuYasha.", I said and he shook his head angrily at me. "Don't SAY that. Don't fucking SAY that and then turn around and tell me you're pulling out on me!", he shouted. "I'm NOT pulling out on you, InuYasha. I want to still be with you. And didn't you say Wild Silver was scheduled for the States in the fall?", I asked. "Who the fuck CARES, Kagome!", he shouted again and I closed my eyes. This was just what I'd been afraid of and I didn't want it to be this way, not at all.

"So you've made up your mind, is that what your saying?, he asked me as he looked long and hard at me. I had opened my eyes now and was looking at him. "InuYasha, how can I NOT go?", I said. "Because... I need you here... for me!", he said angrily. "That isn't fair, InuYasha, and you know it. You have your dream. You've been living it for awhile now. This is mine...", I said, my voice shaking. God help me, I didn't want to lose him.

"But it's not the same. I mean, I could take care of us both. You'd never HAVE to work, not unless you wanted to... and you should teach HERE in Japan, not over THERE!", he said. "InuYasha, you're not seriously trying to tell me what to do are you?", I asked. "Yes, I am. Why don't we just get married?", he said suddenly and my face must've paled considerably because he shot forward and right to my side now.

He took my hands in his, holding both of them and sank to his knees in front of me. "No. Stop it, InuYasha. Don't, please...", I moaned. My head was really whirling now and I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle much more. "Don't what? Tell you I want you, that I need you with me... is that it?", he asked. "Please, I'm begging you. Not like this!", I cried and tried to wrench my hands away from his. "If we were married, you'd stay?", he asked. "NO. Stop this, InuYasha. It's mad! Stop!", I cried louder and this time I did pull free and shove my chair backward, tipping it over and hearing it crash behind me.

I ran for my room, frantic to breathe anywhere alone .and heard him behind me. "NO, don't!", I shouted and tried to shut my bedroom door. "Kagome, c'mon. We can get married in the spring, go buy a ring even today... have it announced, it'll be perfect...", he was saying and I could hear the pain in his voice, pain that was driving me insane. "NOOOOO!", I cried and grabbed for my trainers. I sank down onto the floor and pulled them on while he continued to talk in front of me, squatting down to look into my eyes. "Say yes, Kagome.", he begged and I started to cry hard now, pushing him away. My only thoughts were to get out of the apartment...

I flung open the door, running out into a steady bit of rain. Not heavy, just steady, and started to run with all my might, putting distance between myself and him, the pain a physical thing now. I ran... and ran... and ran... until I felt my lungs would burst, until I saw bright spots in front of my eyes, until my hair hung wet and ragged in my face and my clothes were stuck to me. I ran until I couldn't run any further and stood there, in the middle of the sidewalk, not sure where I was or what I wanted anymore.

My breath came ragged and harsh, it hurt to breathe and I realized I was still crying as well. Gradually, I saw that I had stopped in the same little park that InuYasha and I had started in. The same park that he and I had picnicked in and the irony of it hit me full force. I walked toward the concrete picnic tables, wanting only to rest but before I could get to one, a car pulled into the parking area, blocking my way. I looked up irritated, ready to shout at whoever had gotten in my way, making me walk around the offending car and saw it was only InuYasha.

Only InuYasha.

Only the love of my life.

Everything in me just stilled at that moment and I sank to the wet ground on my knees, burying my head in my hands and sobbing. I didn't want to lose this opportunity I'd been given, the chance to finally prove to myself, my family, that I was indeed worth something, that I was to be recognized. But I couldn't bear to lose the only person in my life so far that truly loved me for who I was, that made my day just by seeing his smile, that cherished me from the bottom of his heart...

So what did I do?

I felt his arms surround me and he didn't speak one word. Just picked me up with a soft grunt and carried me to the car, buckled me in and shut my door before walking around to his own side and climbing in. Shifting into drive, he turned the heat up full force as I shivered against it, my knees pulled up against my chest, my head down and I felt him touch my head brushing the hair back from my face...

It wasn't long before he stopped and I hadn't the strength to look up to see where we were. I only knew we weren't home, he had driven for much too long.

"Be back in a minute.", he said softly and got out of the car, shutting the door. I kept my head down, listening to the rain, too tired to even try to see what was going on, only wanting to shut down my brain and my heart. I heard him come back in a bit, opening my door and gathering me into his arms once more. I kept my head pressed into my chest as he carried me, not caring where or what was going on. He paused under a breezeway and shifted me in his arms and I heard a key scraping against a lock. I felt him nudge a door open with his knee beneath me and then kick it shut as he walked with me into a room. He walked only a short distance before I felt him lean over, pulling at something and then lay me down on the softest bed I've ever felt before or since. I sank down into it, my eyes closing and felt him pull my wet clothes from my body then pull a thick blanket up over me.

I slept… for how long, I don't know. But when I woke up he was pressed against my back, holding me in his arms. I stretched a tiny bit and tried to look about me, to see if I could figure where we were. In the dark, it was hard to tell but it seemed to be a small room and I could dimly see the reflection of a TV directly in front of the bed.

He had brought me to a hotel of some sorts.

I had thought him asleep; maybe I should've known him better than that. Once I stirred in his arms. I felt him pull me closer and I let him, his warm body pressed to mine felt divine, I was still sooooo cold. He pulled on me and I turned to face him in the dark, just barely able to make out his face. He touched my cheeks, my nose, eyes, and lips and then kissed me softly, just a tiny kiss.

"You ran away.", was all he said and his voice was low and hoarse. I tried to sit up in the bed, wanting to see his face, needing to see him but he grunted and I felt him shake his head no' at me, pushing me back down.

We lay there in each other's arms without another word and when he eased his naked body over mine at some point in that time, I accepted him without any thought. He cried as he made love to me. I had no tears left. I felt the drops as they hit my chest and it seemed the harder he thrust up into me, the harder he cried. He was rasping now for breath and the sobs wracked his body as he grabbed hold of my hands and pulled them roughly over my head, pinning me there. "Goddamnit all... Damn it all to hell!", he cried as he climaxed inside me. He collapsed against my body, holding me tight and he cried long and hard as he held me. I could only put my arms around him, wrap my legs around him and hold him tightly, as tightly to me as I could press him. It was a very long time before he stopped crying, then his breath huffed against his chest until finally he fell into an exhausted sleep.

I held him all night long against me, not moving once except to run my fingers over his body and up into his hair. I closed my eyes and let my fingers memorize every bit and piece of my InuYasha so that I'd never forget him... not ever!

It was morning way too soon. I saw it break from the bed, the light changing from purple/black, to midnight blue, then to black/grey and finally pearl grey. InuYasha hadn't stirred and I held onto him tightly still. What were we going to do?

I felt him move just a bit, his head, and heard him moan in his near awake state. "Nooo... nooooo... don't...", and I felt my stomach start to churn again. I'd never wanted to hurt him. It was hard enough to tell him that I'd wanted to go to school away from him, further apart than we'd ever been. But part of me had assumed we'd try the best way we knew how to stay together. I supposed now that was a silly thought on my part.

"Kagome...", he mumbled and lifted his head from my chest where he'd slept all night long. I looked at him and my heart broke in a million pieces once again. His eyes were puffed and red-rimmed. His lips soft looking and swollen. He had a red patch on one cheek where he'd kept it firmly pressed to me through the night and his hair stuck up in tufts on his head. He'd never looked more adorable to me and my heart twisted in my chest. "What is it, InuYasha?", I asked him. He looked long and hard into my eyes and then he sat up and pulled me up with him.

"I won't hold you back... Your dream means as much to you as mine has meant to me and I was wrong to assume it didn't. I need you in my life but I can't bear to be separated from you by such a distance with the chance that years might go by before we're ever together again. I want you to know I love you, that if you change your mind and want to come back to me all you gotta do is call. I'll be here but don't wait too long, Kagome. My heart can only stand so much pain.", he said softly.

"Oh, InuYasha.", I said and pulled him to me, letting myself slide onto his lap. He pulled feverishly at my breasts, his fingers kneading and pulling then lowering his head, he sucked a nipple into his mouth and moaned. When he made love to me this time, it was without the tears but I could still feel his pain, and my own was so horrible I was trembling beneath him, against him.

We left the hotel together and he took me back home, coming inside with me.

"I don't know how to do this, InuYasha, really. I don't... I can't just say good-bye to you. I just can't.", I said and put a hand to his cheek. "You know I love you, don't you?", I asked him. Somehow I had to know his answer. Whether it made it worse or better. I wasn't sure but I had to know. "Yes, I know you love me...", he said haltingly.

"This hurts like hell, Kagome...", he said finally and I nodded, for it did. I don't think I've ever known pain again in my life like I knew it that day. "I'm not even sure I'm doing the right thing, InuYasha.", I said softly. He picked up my hand and turned it over, palm facing him, and kissed it. "If it's not right, you'll know, he said "Just follow that beautiful heart of yours…", And then he was leaving me, going out my front door. I stood at the door and watched him as he climbed into the car, wanting to shout at him to stop, to beg me to stay, to ask me one more time to marry him but I could only stand there in the end and watch him leave...