TITLE: I Need to Be
AUTHOR: Jo van Berkel
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Based a short poem posted to Samandjack list
SPOILERS: Chimera, Heroes, season 7
SEASON: Season 7
ARCHIVE: Samandjack, whoever else, just ask
STATUS: Stand-alone story, sequel probable
DISCLAIMER: All the usual stuff. Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions; etc. etc.This story is for entertainment purposes only, no money exchanged hands, no copyright infringement intended. Previously unrecognised places and characters, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, either living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
AUTHOR NOTES: A bit different for me. Have been writing heaps, but this is the first to be finished and posted. Have longer fics in the works, a bit stuck though, and not much time to write. No beta, all mistakes my own.
FEEDBACK: Yes please, I would like to know what you think
DATE: 8 July 2004
As Jack cleared his mail, he looked around, and grimaced at the rain pouring down around him. Coming home after a gruelling six days he couldn't wait to get indoors, and relax. SG1 had been assigned "babysitting" duties, guarding and contributing to the negotiation of a treaty. The negotiating part had been difficult at times, though he had left most of that to Daniel. The guarding part had been easier, except for those few times tempers flared. By the end of the mission, he had been so eager to get away, and unwind, that he hadn't complained once. His post-mission check, and de-briefing completed, a quick good-bye to his team-mates, and he had left the base.
To settle down with a cold beer and the latest episode of the Simpsons, was his immediate goal. Within minutes, his feet were up, beer open, and he could already feel the tension draining from his body. A few laughs later Jack noticed the pile of mail he had set down when he first came in the door. Grabbing the pile he started flicking, stopping only when he spotted a letter from Cassie. The last few months since Janet had died had been tough on Cassie, and when she felt down she would often write a letter to Jack. Putting her feelings onto paper helped, she had told him, so he encouraged her to write whenever she felt like it. In turn, he would write a quick note back, reassuring her that he was there for her.
It had only been a short time since the last one, so to get another letter was surprising. He opened it expecting to see several pages of Cassie's writing. Instead, two pages fell out. The first was a quick note, telling him to read the attached poem. Telling him to send it on to someone they both knew. The second was a short piece of writing on coloured paper and decorated with small swirls around the edge. The page was beautifully presented, and he guessed that Cassie had put some thought into it. Jack started reading.------------------------A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, he said...no.She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....and he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.
She had heard enough.
As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful.
I dont want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever.
And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die...----------------------------Jack closed his eyes, and leant back in the chair with a sigh. Reading the poem had stirred feelings that he had been unsuccessfully trying to bury. His thoughts had been captured so completely. The first part was so stark, so military. Just how he had to pretend to feel as Sam's CO. But the second part, it said just what he wanted to say to Sam. To think that Cassie had recognised that showed how well she knew him. And suggesting he pass it on, sometimes Cassie was much more grown than her eighteen years.He sighed again, images filling his mind. Samantha Carter, the woman he had fallen in love with so many years ago. Known to her friends as Sam, and to him, as Carter. His 2IC, and as such, untouchable. In his mind, she was Sam, but to her face, it was always Carter. Just as he was always Sir, not Jack. Some days, that helped him keep the professional distance, to be reminded by that word, Sir. And other days, it just filled him with regrets.He knew why Cassie had sent this to him. She knew how he felt about Sam, having confronted him soon after her Mom had died. Cassie had been talking of how we don't tell those close to us how we feel. Talking about regrets. And he had agreed with her. And when she had asked if he had any regrets, in a rare moment of openess, Jack had confessed how he felt to the teenager. He had also sworn her to secrecy, something he knew she would take seriously. Since that day, Cassie hadn't mentioned the words "Sam" and "feelings" in the same sentence.That is until today. He read her note,----------------------Hiya Uncle Jack,
Just a quick note, read the poem. Fits your feelings for Sam, doesn't it? Give
it to her.
Love ya
Cassie---------------------------He put the note down, trying unsuccessfully to focus on the screen in front of him. The images of Sam refused to go away, and within minutes, he switched the tv off. Maybe he should give it to Sam, after all, what harm could it do? Well, if he was honest, it could do a lot of harm. But, then again, it could also do a lot of good. His mind in turmoil, he grabbed his keys, deciding a drive would help clear his head. Even a drive in the rain. About to leave, Jack picked up the poem, and put it in his pocket. Just to read again, he told himself.Within minutes Jack realised that his mind was not going to settle until he did what Cassie had suggested. Give the poem to Sam. It was time to show her how he felt. His sub-conscious had come to that conclusion already, as he found himself outside Sam's home in a matter of minutes. Determined to complete his mission, so to speak, he jumped out of his truck, and was knocking on her door before he knew it.As Sam opened the door, a welcoming smile on her face, Jack thrust the poem at her, saying, "Please read this." He turned, and ran back to the truck, not looking back. Jack left as quickly as he had came. If he had looked back, he would have seen the smile fade to puzzlement, as with a shrug Sam closed the door.Leaning on the door, she read the short poem. As she read the last line, her eyes filled with tears. He still had "feelings" for her, even needed her if she believed the poem. And she did believe what was written there. It was so obvious that the poem was about he felt, and the last line could only be about Pete. So typical of Jack, she thought, can never say anything face-to-face, yet knowing that to give her the poem can't have been easy either. And now, the ball was in her court.Having a boyfriend had hurt Jack, she knew that, but had tried to justify herself with all the usual excuses. The regs, the age gap, they were totally different people, it would never work, he doesn't feel the same way anymore. So she had gotten involved with someone else, tried hard to make the relationship with Pete work. But she had to admit to herself, it just wasn't working. Well, for Pete it was, but for her, she needed more. Actually, what she needed was her CO, Colonel Jack O'Neill, if she was honest with herself. And it was time to be honest, going by the poem she still held in her hand.Briefly she wondered where he had got it from, then decided it wasn't important. What was important, was what she was going to do next. And that was take herself to Jack's home. Declare how she felt, how she needed him too. The practical side of her knew that it wouldn't be easy, a lot of obstacles to get over. Her other side didn't care, Jack NEEDED her, and that was what was important. With a smile, she left her home, heading towards her future. And then perhaps the rest of her life would begin, the life she had been telling herself she couldn't have.
TBC next part started!