A/N : Y'know I suspected there would be major shock-age when you all read the last line of the previous chapter. Thankfully no-one seems to be totally p.o.-ed about it so that's a bonus, lol. Thanks to everyone who reviewed - zanthinegirl, fischergirl, wicked-angel3, King Henry the V, seapea, the Mage of Willowbottom, Spikes-gal787, ekmw511, Queen of Evil, Lady Starlight, Shansuedluvsbitch, spikegrl07, aurralie, Kayti Summers, god, aphelant, Rachel. Wow, so many reviews! I luv you guys! You definitely cheered me up when I was feeling less than great this week. Thankfully I'm all big with the better now and here is a new chapter for you! :-)

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 5

"I'm sorry luv. Angel's dead" the words fell from Spike's lips and Buffy felt like the world stopped turning. She hadn't seen her first love in five years but she thought of him everyday just as she thought of Spike too.

Before that final battle on the Hellmouth she'd told Angel that maybe one day she could see a future with him. She wasn't sure how she meant it, if she really meant it at all, but she did love him still, then and now.

During her last visit to LA they hadn't really mentioned themselves, Buffy had talked mosly about the loss of her home and the loss of Spike, both of which reduced her to tears after just a moments thought back then. Angel had been so undertsnading and kind, and she knew how hard it must have been, thought afterwards how much it must have hurt him to hear about her closeness to his unruly grand-childe.

Now it was all the other way around. Her precious Angel was gone and Spike stood before her, waiting for her to react to the horrible news, hurting because she was and because he knew that even dead Angel would always mean more to her.

"No" was the first word that came from the Slayers mouth, "No, you're lying" she choked out as tears ran unchecked down her face once again.

"I wouldn't, pet. Not about this" the vampire assured her with a slight shake of his head. He wasn't in the least offended to be called a liar, not by her and not about this. When you lose someone, for a while it seems easier to deny it. Maybe if you can say it's not true enough times it really won't be. God knows he'd tried it enough after Buffy had dived into Glory's portal seven years ago now.

"He can't be..." the blonde girl crumpled before his eyes, from the mighty Slayer to a confused and anguished little girl, drowning in pain and tears with nothing to cling onto. It might have been a while since she'd seen him, but Spike knew Angel meant the world to her and always would, despite the three words she had imparted to him when it seemed his own eternal rest was imminent.

As Spike watched his girl sob and wail, he couldn't bear to just stand there like a useless idiot whilst she was in pain. She held her face in her hands and cried like she'd never stop as he walked carefully over and reached to put his arms around her.

"Don't!" she yelled through flood of tears, pushing his hands away from her. It hurt for her to be that way with him, served to remind him of all those times she had let him be physical with her and then knocked him down when he'd tried to just love her. He'd gone crazy because of it, pushed too hard and too far, throw in more guilt than any human could handle and a bucket load of pain and torture and here he was, soul intact, but still driven just as crazy by this woman as ever.

"Please, luv" Spike begged, desperate just to help her, bring her a little comfort when she was hurting so much. Again he moved to put an arm around her and she struggled against him.

He knew as she beat her fists on his chest that this was not the Slayer trying to get rid of him, it was a hurt little girl so angry and upset, needing someone to blame. She was barely hitting him, just frustratedly writhing near him as he finally managed to get close to her. She finally let the violence dissipate and allowed herslef to be held, rocked, comforted.

Buffy was only half aware of what she was doing. Crying, yelling, lashing out. She'd not considered living her life in a world without Angel, not for years. First when she'd sacrificed him to hell to save the world, she'd known him barely two years and during that time he'd been evil for several months, but she loved him and knew she always would.

When he'd come back, she thought that was it, they must be destined to be together, but too much got in the way and he was soon telling her he was going to leave town and not come back. At least that way she knew there was a chance of seeing him again, of one day them being together somehow, but if he was really gone...but wasn't Spike supposed to be gone? Yet here he was, holding her now, soothing her as she cried for the loss of a man he'd hated so much. It served to remind her just how much she'd missed him, and how much he really loved her.

It was several minutes later when Buffy finally found her voice enough to ask the one question she dreaded the answer too but knew she must ask.

"How?" she said quietly into the fabric of Spike's shirt, and he was only glad that with her head beneath his, she couldn't see that he was almost in tears himself. He considered asking her if she was sure she wanted to know, if she thought she could handle it right now, but he knew better than that. For all that her little Scooby club said about him and how he didn't really know Buffy at all, on some levels he knew her better than anyone. She wanted an explanation now and he had to give it...he only wished he'd never agreed to do this.

"There was a demon" he said slowly, hating how loud and harsh his voice sounded in the silence of the room, "We knew it was coming, had a whole load of brains researching the bugger but looks like the times got calculated wrong or something cos it showed up three days before it should've..." he paused, trying to find the easiest way to say what he must and finding it practically impossible to make this any less painful for her, "Someone called, someone who knew there was trouble. Angel didn't wait for backup just charged out axe in hand to end the suffering, to help the helpless..." his voice almost completely disappeared as he echoed the old slogan of Angel Investigations that was quoted so often even though the gang had been at Wolfram and Hart for half a decade now.

"Tell me exactly what happened, Spike" Buffy said shakily as her head rose from his chest and she looked up into his eyes that threatened to spill as many tears as she herself had already shed, "I have to know"

Swallowing hard and taking an unnecessary deep breath he nodded, agreeing that he would tell her as much as he knew.

"When we realised he'd gone it alone, we went after him, me and Gunn and Wes, a whole section of fighters...I don't know how long Angel had been fighting that thing, the sight was tragic, there were bodies everywhere, the ones he'd been too late to save..." Spike found he couldn't look her in the eye as he gave the account of her old lovers death "We rushed in to help, would've been okay but...there was debris everywhere, wooden shards...when the thing threw him it was just...it was just unlucky, I s'pose..." his voice disappeared as he dared to look at her once again, more tears threatening to spill from her red rimmed eyes, she looked so desolate and lost. He brought his hand up to her cheek and pushed her hair back from her face, only wishing he could push back the wave of pain from inside of her.

"Does it..." Buffy stumbled over the words she meant to say "Would he have felt it...the pain?" she asked him.

"No, pet" Spike replied in a soft tone he didn't know he possessed, "It was quick, he wouldn't have known what was happening until...he wouldn't have felt much pain" he amended, not knowing for sure if he was even telling the truth.

He'd seen his fellow vampire land on the simple fragment of wood that would be his downfall. He'd seen the look on his face, just for a second as he realsied what had occurred, a mixture of surprise and a strange kind of peace, before he was gone. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

"The demon" Buffy said next, the sheer agony that had been in her eyes before was slowly pushed out by anger, the fire and the darkness that Spike knew lurked deep within her soul. Spike knew she was plotting vengeance so horrific that even Anyanka would have been shocked.

"It's gone" he said simply, letting up his hold on her finally and turning away. She frowned, not knowing why his mood had changed so suddenly.

"Gone where?" she asked his back "and how?"

"Just gone" came the reply, "Dead and gone...I killed it" he admitted so quietly she barely heard him. Her frown deepened, anger dissipating and concern creeping in, as she walked up behind him and put a hand to his arm. He looked back at her with a questioning look.

"You didn't hate him, did you?" she asked, realisation dawning in her eyes as he shook his head slightly.

"In a lot of ways he was all I had" he whispered, "the only one to understand what it was like to be what I was and what I am, the closest thing to family..." his voice trailed away as he watched Buffy's hand slip down his arm, her fingers linking with his, "These past five years, we had to get on together, had to do what we could for the world" he explained, eyes fixed on their joined hands, "We had more in common than I ever thought, the Powers That Be put me here with him, sort of made me take notice of the similarities"

Buffy felt more tears tumble from her eyes as she listened to all the vampire was saying to her. He was right of course, he and Angel did have so much in common. They were tied by blood, by thier love for her, by the fact they were the only two demons to bear the weight of a soul. She hadn't considered how much things might have changed here in LA whilst she'd been building her new life in England. She'd never realised she might come face to face with a man who had seemingly died to save Sunnydale and the world.

"I wish I'd have known" she whispered, also looking down at her hand entwined with his, "I wish I'd have known you were back, that you were here with Angel"

"Wouldn't have made a difference luv" he shook his head, "You couldn't have stopped what happened..."

"I didn't mean it that way" she interrupted, and he looked up at the very same moment she did, their eyes catching each others, "I just...I would've like to have seen you two, getting along" she smiled slightly at the thought and he did the same.

"I wish you'd have been here too" he told her, as they both realised it was all too late. Neither of them was ever going to see Angel again and the loss created such a hole in their lives, such a pain in their hearts. In one movement they both stepped forward, fingers untangling so they could wrap their arms around each other in a tight hug.

Buffy cried openly into Spike's shoulder as he attempted not to do the same on her, but one or two stray droplets escaped in spite of is best efforts to control the overwhelming feelings that washed over him.

He felt loss, he felt guilt for not doing more, he felt relief and guilty joy at having his Slayer here with him, and he felt incredible fear not knowing what would happen next, and what kind of turn his un-life might take from here.

To Be Continued...