A/N : Finally got around to updating this fic again. Thanx to Spuffyfan4eva, Malfeus, Turn off the Tide, Sunglasses-At-Night, SlayGal [noticed that little reference, did ya? :-)], SinisterChic Heather Martin, Rachel, and rubi-elektra for the reviews on the previous chapter, and also to Spikes Bint who is working her way through this fic too. I appreciate every single review from you guys and I'm glad you like the story. Here's the next chapter...

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 8

The LA gang and Buffy had breakfast in the conference room, and mostly they were silent throughout. Everyone had plenty to think about and most were too afraid of saying anything for fear of upsetting someone else.

Spike was very aware of Buffy watching him, or more accurately, looking at him when she didn't think he knew about it. He self-consciously swirled the blood in his mug and only drank when she glanced away, all the time very conscious of his demon trying to come to the surface in response to the plasma going down his throat. He'd waited too long to see her again, the last thing he wanted to do was remind her of the monster that lurked inside the man.

When each persons share of the food was gone, there was no excuse left not to speak. It was Wesley that eventually broke the silence, causing everyone to turn their attention to him. The fact that he sat at the side of the table with the others did not go un-noticed, the head of the table was left empty.

"We were considering a ceremony" the ex-Watcher told Buffy, "to properly say goodbye" he explained and the Slayer nodded slowly. Angel could not have a funeral, there was no body to bury or even ashes to scatter, the dust would have been lost amongst so much other debris.

"It's a good idea" she said quietly, as she fought back further tears. Fred, who sat to her left reached out a hand to cover hers, and the women shared a sad smile.

Both had seen so much in their young lives, lived through so much pain and fear and loss. Spike watched the look pass between them and couldn't help but smile a little. Fred was a sweet girl, and he'd often thought that maybe if he hadn't been so in love with Buffy and she in love with Wes, perhaps they might have meant more to each other. As it was she was another sister-figure for him, much like Dawn had been.

So lost in his thoughts, the vampire did not notice that everybody had left the room, until the door clicking shut caught his attention. Just he and Buffy remained now.

"You seem to be making a habit of spacing out on me" she commented as he came out of his daze to find her turned in her seat and staring at him.

"Sorry, pet" he apologised, "Just got a lot on my mind lately"

"I get that" the Slayer nodded, "but you have an advantage on me" she told him, "you have all the information, and you kinda belong here now...I feel..." she stumbled over what she meant to say and Spike frowned. He'd love to have asked precisely what it was she felt but he was too afraid of the answer, so the question went unasked and Buffy's sentence unfinished. She rose from her seat and walked over to the window, finding it all so much harder than she thought she would.

"Tell me your story, Spike" she said, eyes fixed on the view, "Tell me how you got here"

The vampire sighed, half relieved and yet half disappointed that the moment had been lost. Still, he had promised to impart the tale of his death and return to her if she wanted to hear it and here she was now asking, so he would tell.

"Well" he began, feeling strange facing the other way, back to back with the person he was addressing, but not daring to turn around yet, "I remember, I told you to run from the Hellmouth" he decided to start there, completely bypassing the words they'd shared, what had happened when she'd held his hand and those three words she'd said. Now wasn't the time...

"Then the light got stronger, I could feel the heat and, it was painful, obviously, burning me away, but it also felt right, pure, like for the first time in my life I belonged, I was doing something right and...well, it probably sounds stupid to you..."

"No" Buffy surprised herself as well as Spike by interrupting. He turned his head and looked at her over his shoulder just as she turned to face him, "It's not stupid" she promised him, and they shared a look before she said "please, go on"

He got up from his seat and came to stand beside her, and she watched his ever changing expression as he watched the world go by and told his story.

"Then it was over, I was gone, at least I thought I was. Don't really remember anything then until I was standing here, right in this room" he looked thoughtful as he glanced across the table and chairs, remembering the instance, "There I was, face to face with him, with Angel" he told her, catching her eyes with his for a second, before returning his attention to the window, "I was tied to the amulet, Wes and Fred did some digging around, didn't tell the rest of the company, didn't rightly know what the hell was going on for a while...anyway, the downside to my being back was I was as incorporeal as the bloody First Evil thing had been, plus every trip to the front doors made me pop straight back to wherever the amulet was" when he fell silent Buffy prompted him.

"So how come you're all solid again now?"

"A spell" he said simply, "Always about the mojo, ain't it?" he shrugged, his hands deep in his pockets and a lop-sided smile on his face. Buffy could so easily have taken herself back in time to the days before the fall of Sunnydale, he hadn't changed, not in most ways, but she had, and she wasn't sure what that meant for the future.

"Bit more to it than that of course" she shook her head as she realised he was still speaking and she wasn't completely listening, "but that's all details that I don't really understand myself...but that brought me back to my solid self, still vamped as ever, but still with my soul"

"Y'know what I think?" Buffy said, staring out of the window again, the roles reversed as Spike watched her instead, "I think you're just trying to copy me by refusing to stay dead" she turned her head and smiled at him as he suddenly realised she was joking. It was so long since they'd done that, smiled together like they really meant it. There was a long way to go, but it was a start.

- - - - - - - - - -

"Hey Wes" Buffy managed a smile as she entered his office, less than an hour after breakfast.

"Buffy, what can I do for you?" he asked, getting up and walking around his desk.

"I was thinking about what you said" the Slayer told him, "About a ceremony for Angel...I don't know exactly what you had in mind but I think it could be a good idea, for all of us"

"I'm glad you agree" Wesley nodded, "I thought he deserved some sort of goodbye, I know there are those amongst us who need the closure"

"Spike" Buffy cut in, knowing Wesley must have noticed the connection the vampire had talked about between himself and his grand-sire, "He told me they got closer"

"They did" the ex-Watcher agreed, "which I must say surprised me, and I know it surprised Angel, but I think perhaps when forced into a situation as they were, you learn to adapt as it were"

"I guess" Buffy agreed, not completely listening, still wondering what it must have been like to have her two favourite vampires getting along, something she'd never seen, and now never would.

"Buffy?" Wesley said again when she didn't answer.

"I'm sorry Wes" she replied as she shook herself out of her daze, "My head seems to spend half it's time some place other-where" she smiled.

"That's quite alright" he assured her, "Er, not that I wish to pry" he continued, not looking at her much now as he spoke, "but how are things with you and Spike"

"Like they always were" she replied easily, and he looked up, hoping for further explanation "Undefined" came her answer.

Wesley just smiled a little and nodded. He knew from what both Angel and Spike had told him that things had never been exactly normal in the bleach blond's relationship with the Slayer. He also knew that there was no doubt at all both vampires loved Buffy more than anything else in the world, and it had torn them both apart trying to stay away from her after the collapse of Sunnydale five years ago.

Now Angel was gone, Buffy was back, and as the Slayer herself said, it left things very undefined, in more ways than one.

"Spike told me you and Fred are together now" the blonde changed the subject smoothly, "She's a sweet girl, I'm glad you're happy together"

"Thankyou" Wesley said sincerely touched by her words, "though I often wonder how she can love someone like me...I've changed a lot Buffy, I so often feel like I don't deserve her..."

"Talking to the wrong person about love, Wes" the Slayer smiled, "but I do know that it doesn't matter what you do, good or bad, if someone truly loves you that doesn't go away, whether you want it to or not. Real love lasts, forever and beyond everything else...and listen to me, being all crazy-emotional psych-student Buffy" she ended with a half-laugh, half-sob as tears ran down her cheeks, "I should go, you have work to do" she said as she wiped them away.

Wesley nodded as he watched her head for the door.

"So, the ceremony?" he called behind her and she turned back to reply.

"This afternoon, if it's possible?" she suggested, "I'd just like it to be over, y'know?"

Wesley nodded he understood as the Slayer finally left the room.

- - - - - - - - - -

Buffy was half comforted, half distressed by the silence of her room at Wolfram and Hart. For the most part she was glad to be alone, since she really didn't know what to say to Angel's friends. She didn't know precisely what she was feeling, apart from obvious grief over a loved ones death, and it wasn't like before when she lost others. These weren't her friends, or they were but not in the same way as the Scoobies back in England. The only person here who she felt really close to was Spike and talking to him was hardest of all.

From that day when Spike had first admitted to loving Buffy, their relationship had been undefined, maybe even before that when he got the chip and began to fight the same enemy that the Slayer and her friends did, but now it was worse than ever. The final words the vampire had heard before he died had been 'I love you' from her own lips, and yet Buffy wasn't sure what that meant to him anymore, or even if she'd meant it the way it sounded. She did love him, that she was sure of, just as she loved Willow and Xander, but whether she was in love with him, that was something she'd never been one hundred percent certain about.

There were times, before and after she lost him, when she thought maybe she was in love with him, or she had been at some point, but at first it seemed fruitless because she believed it could never work between them, and then he was gone and it was pointless to an even larger extent.

Now he was back. There was no excuse of Angel standing in her way, and she couldn't use the vampire issue since she was always bringing up the subject of her love for Angel, and the soul clause was out since Spike had battled to have his returned to him.

Nothing solid stood between them, if they wanted to have some sort of relationship, and yet that was the problem. Buffy was still not certain about what kind of relationship she wanted them to have, or if Spike still wanted her that way. It had been five years since she'd last seen him, he'd changed a lot, as she felt she had too. So much had altered in both their lives, Angel's death being the latest big event.

When they'd talked earlier, in the conference room, it had hurt so much to hear of Spike's death all over again, and yet it warmed her heart to hear how he came back and how he was eventually accepted into the group at Wolfram and Hart. It made Buffy realise that his getting along with the grand-sire he professed to hate so much made Spike happy, because it meant he fit in somewhere, he had a strange kind of family, and he never truly had that anywhere else.

After his explanations, and a short narration from her about her move to England and the current situation there, Buffy had thought it best to exit stage left before things got complicated. Talking to him was almost too comfortable and familiar, she could feel herself going back five or six years, when they used to sit in his crypt and later her own basement, just talking. He was always the best listener, she smiled at the thought, that at least had not changed.

A tapping on the door broke the Slayer from her thoughts and she called 'come in' only to see Fred appear. The Texan told her Wesley was arranging the ceremony for Angel to be in just a couple of hours in the lately departed vampires office, over-looking the city. It seemed fitting and Buffy agreed it was a good idea. Everyone would get a chance to say something about Angel, a sort of goodbye, and then apparently Spike had something he had to do, though as yet no-one knew what that was. Buffy frowned as Fred left her alone again. Clearly Angel had told Spike something that he wanted to happen if he should go first. She wondered why he hadn't told her about it though

'Well' she sighed to herself as she looked through her cases for something suitable to wear, 'I guess I'll find out in a couple of hours'. Right now she had to concentrate on getting through her final goodbye to her first true love and that was almost scarier than anything else she'd ever faced.

To Be Continued...

A/N2 : My next update will be Chapter 3 of 'Our Little Secret'...at least, that's the plan at the moment!