A/N : Thanx to; Spuffyfan4eva, Brad, B/S Rox, SinisterChic Heather Martin, Rachel, velja, rubi-elektra, leticia, Spuffyluvr, Lady Starlight, Amanda, BtVS-and-PotC-Fan, for the great reviews. I'm sorry if I made most of you cry! This chapter might cause a few more tears and if it does then I apologise in advance.

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

[Extra A/N : This was all ready to be posted last night but things went kablooey and it didn't happen, sorry!]

Chapter 10

When the group had dispersed from Angel's office, Spike stayed behind. He knew this day would come eventually, the day when he found out exactly what his grand-sire thought of him. For reasons he couldn't figure out at all, the younger vampire was partially afraid of what he might find written inside this envelope.

'Stop being a poncy bugger and read the damn thing' he told himself angrily, as he sat down on the edge of the desk, tearing open the envelope and pulling out the one sheet of paper it contained.

'Spike,

I honestly don't know where to start with this. Despite the arguments and fights we've had, you probably know me better than a lot of the other people in my life. We had some times Spike my boy, no doubt you remember just as clearly as I do.

You've come a long way these past years, and I hope that in some way I helped with that. Now I'm gone, well, I have no doubt a celebration is on your mind.

All I can do is ask you one final favour. I don't know how far into the future it is that you're reading this, but if Buffy is still around, just make sure she gets my final goodbye to her. I know you love her, as much as it pains me to admit it. I can't tell you what to do, I've tried before and it never works, but one way or another, just make sure she's happy for me. It's all I ever wanted for her.

Not much else I can say now Spike, except stick at the redemption thing, because I'm pretty sure it's gonna pay of for the both of us.

Angel'

Spike continued to stare at the letter even after he'd finished reading it. His old

grande-sire and him, they'd been through a lot, good and bad. It was still weird to

know he'd never see him again, but it pleased him to know the old git did care, just a

little, he wanted him to succeed at being a good man, and he would.

He'd half expected Angel to mention Buffy in his final words to him. He wanted him

to make sure the Slayer was happy, Spike almost laughed at that. He'd never known

what was right for her, never could quite tell what she was thinking or what she

wanted, he wondered if she knew herself half the time. What Spike did know was that

he'd missed her horribly these past five years and that he still loved her with all

that he had and all that he was, that would never change. Now all he had to do was

find out what he meant to her, if anything at all.

With a determined feeling flowing through him, he pocketed Angel's letter and headed for the room where Buffy was staying. He had to talk to her about this, had to know what her plans were for now, for her life. Should he expect to be a part of it? As awful as his timing was, and he knew it really was, he couldn't keep on second-guessing her, he had to know the truth.

When Spike arrived outside the door of the small 'apartment', he wondered whether

to knock or just walk in, then he heard a tiny sound, a sobbing. His Slayer was crying

again and it pained him to hear it. Without further thought he crept inside, across the

living area to her bedroom door. He pushed it open and stood there just watching her

sob into her pillow, Angel's last words to her lying on the carpet. As if she sensed his presence her head lifted and she looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes.

"I'm sorry, Slayer" the words fell out of his mouth without his brain even engaging.

Buffy sniffed and pulled herself up to a sitting position, wiping her face on her sleeve.

"For what?" she asked, her voice barely audible as he stepped nervously into the room.

"I'm sorry that you're hurting" he admitted, sitting down on the edge of the bed, his back to her, "and that I'm hurting, and that things haven't turned out the way they should"

"Nothing ever does" Buffy sighed lightly, putting a hand on his shoulder.

He turned at the sound of her voice and the feel of her touch, unable to help the half-smile that formed on his lips. He was pleased to see her return it.

"I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you too" he couldn't look her in the eye when he said it, as he placed his hand over hers, "I should have called or something, I never wanted you to mourn for me. You already have too many reasons to cry"

"I loved you" she said, also unable to meet his eyes as she spoke, "I was never going to get through your death without crying"

Spike almost physically flinched at her use of the past tense. She loved him, back then it had been true, but now it seemed things were different just like he thought.

"I loved you too" he reminded her, sticking with the past as she had for now, not daring to risk his heart again so soon, "and it was the hardest thing I'd ever done letting go of you"

Whether he meant telling her to run from the Hellmouth or using all his will-power to not call her when he returned to this plain of existence, Buffy wasn't sure, but she read meaning into his words - he loved her then, he didn't love her that way anymore.

Further tears fell down the blonde Slayer's cheeks as she let her hand slip from the vampire's shoulder. It hurt that he didn't want her the way he used to, but a part of her had to wonder if what she felt for him was as strong as it seemed. It'd been five years since they saw each other last, she'd just lost a man she'd loved since she was fifteen, there were factors that made the situation unusual - how was anyone supposed to judge their true emotions?

The phone by the side of the bed rang into life, the harsh sound startling both occupants of the room. When Buffy made no move, Spike got to his feet and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Oh, Mr Spike, we've been trying to locate you" one of the chief receptionists of Wolfram & Hart told him, "Miss Burkle said we might find you in Miss Summers room"

"What do you want?" Spike snapped a little more than he meant to, catching the girls sharp intake of breath at his tone, "I'm sorry, Kimberley" he apologised, "What is it you needed me for?"

"Er, well" she began awkwardly, "there is a call for Mr Angel and as instructed, being a personal call, I was trying to find you so you could take it"

Spike frowned and Buffy looked on, wondering what was being said on the other end of the line.

"Who's calling for him?" he asked cautiously.

"A Miss Willow Rosenburg, sir" came the reply, and Spike closed his eyes and sighed. Buffy looked up at him with a slight frown and, covering the mouth-piece with his hand, he spoke to her.

"Red's on the phone" he explained, "I've been taking all Angel's personal calls, breaking the news..."

"I haven't called home since I got here" she interrupted "just at the airport to let them know I arrived okay..." her voice trailed away as she thought of her friends back in England and how happy they'd been before this, before she'd come back to LA. Willow, Xander, Dawn, Giles, Faith - no-one back there knew that Angel was gone or that Spike had been in LA this whole time.

"Buffy, luv" Spike placed a hand on her shoulder the phone still in his other hand as he tried to get her attention, "I know it's tough for you, Slayer" he sympathised as she looked over at him again, hardly noticing that he reverted back to the nick-name he'd used for so long "but I think you're going to have to be the one to tell her...she doesn't even know I'm here, it might be one shock too many for the poor little witch"

Buffy nodded, holding out her hand to take the phone from him. Spike handed it to her and turned to leave.

"Where are you going?" she called behind him, and he turned back, "I know it's stupid but this might be easier with you here with me" she said in a small voice. With a nod he came to sit beside her on the bed again as the receptionist connected the call.

"Hey Will, it's Buffy" the Slayer greeted her friend, "I'm sorry I didn't call before"

"That's okay" Spike heard her response with his vampire hearing, "We were just kinda worried is all"

"I know, and I'm sorry, it's just..." Buffy paused trying to gather her strength to impart the news that would be as painful for her to say as it would be for her friend to hear, Willow had always got on well with Angel, "Willow, something happened to Angel, that's why I had to come here" without moving her eyes from an invisible spot on the carpet, Buffy shifted her right hand across her lap onto Spike's where his own were, linking her fingers with his as if to draw strength from his presence beside her, "Willow, Angel's dead" she finally forced out and Spike heard the loud gasp on the other end of the line.

Soon Willow was crying hard and Xander, who'd been standing beside her the whole time, took the phone from his girlfriend and spoke to a tearful Buffy.

"I'm sorry, Buff" the brunette sighed, "Despite everything, I know what he meant to you"

Buffy knew Xander had always hated Angel and his being so nice about all this only served to upset her more. Her voice went away as tears rolled down her cheeks and Spike could hear the boy on the other end of the phone frantically calling the Slayers name. Letting her fingers slip from his, the vampire wrapped one arm around Buffy's shoulders, holding her close as he took hold of the phone with the other hand.

"Hello Xander" he said as casually as he could, finding it strange to use the brunettes real name, and after so long too.

"Who is this?" Spike could almost see the frown that Willow witnessed as she brought her head up from Xander's chest and looked at him with red-rimmed eyes, completely confused both by her boyfriends question and the fairly loud English voice she could hear coming through the phone.

"Who do you think it is, whelp?" the vampire, couldn't help a slight smirk as he imagined the shocked look on Xander's face right now.

"Spike?" he gasped, "How? What? How?"

"Long story, mate" he sighed as Buffy sobbed into his shoulder, "but I don't have time to tell it right now. The Slayer here is pretty upset still"

"Will too" Xander said automatically, mind still reeling at the concept of Spike being not as dead as he'd thought!

"I'll get Buffy to give you lot a ring as soon as she feels better, okay?" the vamp promised, "In the meantime, you might wanna break the news to everyone there...all of it" he added, rubbing a hand on Buffy's back as her breathing evened out and her tears slowed.

"Okay" Xander agreed though he wasn't really thinking straight right now. The pair quickly said their goodbyes before hanging up the phone and comforting their respective teary-eyed girls.

"You okay now, pet?" Spike checked, head tilted as Buffy dis-entangled herself from him and wiped her face with her hands. She nodded, sniffing loudly and composing herself again. Spike gave her a half-smile which she couldn't quite manage to return.

"S'pose you miss them?" he asked her, knowing how close the Scooby gang had always been and probably still were now.

"I do" Buffy forced out, voice hoarse from crying, "That's part of the reason why I was thinking..." she paused as she brought her eyes up from her lap to meet his gaze, "I was thinking maybe I should go home soon" not letting on that what the other big reason was - she believed he wasn't in love with her anymore.

"So soon?" Spike asked too fast, inwardly cursing himself for pressuring her or making himself look desperate - two things he'd promised not to do this time around.

"I've done what I came here to do" she shrugged, "now, well, there's not really a reason for me to stay, is there?" the last part was partially a rhetorical question, but a large part of her really wished Spike would give her a reason. She wanted to know if she'd been wrong, if he did still love her...she almost started to cry all over again when he broke eye contact and looked down at his hands in his lap.

"I s'pose not" he said sadly, not realising what she wanted him to say. He assumed she didn't want to stay because she didn't love him. That last little flame of hope he'd been holding onto, that she might really still be in love with him, if she ever was before, finally went out.

Without a word, he got up from the edge of the bed, walked over to the door and left, Buffy's eyes following him until he was out of sight. Behind her the sun set and the almost full moon rose to shine over the city, the night-clubs making the streets come alive with people. Still, for Spike and Buffy, tonight would be the darkest and loneliest night they'd experienced for a long time.

To Be Continued...

A/N2 : Before you all go crazy at me, please remember that this story will have Spuffy love...eventually! ;-) And for anyone who is interested, I'm making big progress with the next chapter of 'Our Little Secret' so you can expect that to be posted in the next couple of days :-) Now, reviewing is always of the good...