Tawny looked up at me from her place on the floor where she landed. She'd
fallen onto her back and slid on the hardwood. Her eyes were filled with
tears and her face with confusion. She still clutched my stuffed puppy in
her hand, but not for long. She stood up and let it fall, then ran past
everyone and up the stairs. She was going to get her stuff, and was really
leaving this time. As she passed me I could see that she had skinned her
elbows, and her white skin was flecked with pink and red.
I saw Ruby sitting on the couch crying. I went to her, and put my arms around her. Pushing Tawny out of my mind. Even though she was annoying at times, she was my best friend, and I was always there to help her. I was right there for her when Dex broke up with her, and I was going to be right there with her now. The actual situation wasn't sinking in. I don't know why. It was like I wasn't sure whether or not I was asleep or awake, and that I could wake up at any time and everything would be like it was. That's what it was, a dream. This wasn't really happening. If it was then I'd be more upset right now.
"I wanna go home now..." She sobbed into my arm.
"Let's go call your parents to come get you." I whispered, and attempted to help her to her feet. She was trembling uncontrollably. My arm was damp from her crying.
"I can't believe this happened...it couldn't have...they were just here..."
"I know. I know." I said, leading her toward the phone on the far side of the room.
"Tawny, wait, and I'll give you a ride." I heard my mom say in the distance. Then the door slammed.
I left Ruby at the phone and went to tend to Monique, who had come out of the bathroom with tears streaming down her cheeks. I couldn't cry because I was Ren, the sensible one who was rational, and sensible, and made sense of things. That was why I wasn't crying. I didn't let my head get clouded by things in times of crises, when a clear mind was most needed.
Before I made it to her, my dad intercepted, "Honey, you're looking really pale. You should go lay down, then we'll all talk, ok?"
"Talk?"
He nodded, firmly.
It was my fault. He was blaming me. It wasn't my fault it was Tawny's. I ended up in my room in what seemed like seconds, on my bed with jumbled sheets because Ruby hadn't made it. There were still blankets and pillows on the floor. I hadn't picked them up.
I closed my eyes. I was so fucking sensible and my mind was so clear that I pushed Tawny. No, shoved Tawny. It was so not me, so far from me. I'd never physically hurt anyone. I had threatened to hurt Louis, but he was my brother, but Tawny? What had Tawny really done, ever, to deserve what I did to her? Larry and Mona were dead, and not coming back, and it wasn't making it to my head where it could properly affect me, and make me cry. Why wasn't it sinking in?! It wasn't real. It was a dream. Yes, Ren, it was a dream.
"Ren?"
I opened my eyes, and realized Louis was calling me. "Huh?"
He came and sat on my bed, "I'm sorry about everything that's been going on, and all..."
"Thanks for reminding me that it wasn't a dream..." I groaned and rolled over onto my stomach.
"I think we're in trouble..."
I squinted, "Why? What for?"
"Because Larry was drinking...here..."
"Oh shit..." I crammed my face into a pillow. It was my fault.
He nodded, "This sucks so bad..."
I sighed, and realized how very bad this was. Two of my friends were dead, I was going to get in trouble for not drinking, and Tawny...hell with Tawny.
"Man, this is so unreal...they were like...here...then gone...and we were like...some of the last people to talk to them...It seems all wrong..."
"Louis, just shut up." This was real. It was all real. "It's Tawny's fault."
"How's it her fault?"
I blinked the tears away that were coming. They weren't sad tears, they were angry ones. "I made them leave early because of her."
"What?"
I sighed. I couldn't tell him. He wouldn't get it. There was nothing to get though, I was confused about something stupid, "Just nothing. It's her fault."
"You can't blame her for a fucking head-on collision that happened miles from here, dude."
"Get out of my room, Louis!"
"But-"
"Get out!"
In a few seconds I heard my door click shut. Stupid Tawny! Stupid fucking Tawny! I buried my face far into the pillow and cried. I hated her. I hated everyone. Larry and I had just started to get along, and he was a nice guy. I wasted all those years in middle school, and it was disgusting. Why was I so stupid? Why was everyone so stupid? We all wasted so much time, and people could be gone just as soon as they were there. I didn't value the time I spent with him, or with Mona, or with anyone. I spent so much time with school work, and with myself.
"Ren, can you come down here?" Mom called.
I got up and went down to the living room. Donnie and Louis were on one of the couches and our parents were on the other. I sat, nervously, in the chair.
"Ok. Go Eileen." Said my dad.
"No, Steve, you."
He cleared his throat, and looked at us sternly, "I think this is a little soon to be discussing this, but your mom believes that we should address it now and make it clear."
"Dad, I wasn't drinking." I blurted out.
"Ren, honey...we don't like it when you lie to us."
"I'm not lying." I snapped, uncharacteristically.
"We're not accusing you yet, now just calm down for a minute." He looked toward Donnie, "You were supposed to be in charge last night and we clearly told you the rules, which you obviously didn't pay any mind to." He remained silent. "We know that you can legally drink, but you can't in this house, and you can't let people that shouldn't, do it. It was extremely irresponsible of you to let something like this happen. You are partly responsible for what happened. I don't know if you did let it happen to make yourself be cooler or what, but it was extremely wrong, and now you know some of the consequences."
"We raised all of you to be better than this." Mom added.
"We haven't figured out the punishment yet because of what happened with your friends, and I hope that knowing what happened to them is enough, but as soon as this blows over then there will be some form of punishment."
"Right now, we're not going to ask what else went on here, or accuse any of you of being anything more than irresponsible." She looked at me, "Whether or not, you were drinking, you let other people drink, and people got...hurt."
"You can all go now, and we're really sorry about what happened."
All three of us ventured solemnly up the stairs. Everyone had gone home, even Beans, who knew when was a good time to get away from us. I was about to go into my room and close the door, but Donnie said, "Hey, you two, do you want me to take the blame for everything?"
"No. It won't do any good." I said, plainly. Louis didn't answer. As I shut the door, my phone rang. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, but I answered it anyway. "Hello?"
"Ren...this is the worst day of my life..." Ruby whimpered.
At least it wasn't her birthday. At least they didn't get in a wreck leaving her party. "It'll all be ok." I lied. "After a while...it'll be ok."
"No, it won't..."
"Shhh...it will, I promise."
"Ren...I told my parents that I was drinking...and...and everything...I'm grounded for like...ever...and Larry...and Mona...and..."
"Ruby...calm down and breathe."
"How are you so okay with it, Ren?!" She suddenly yelled. "How are you not upset?! You still hated Larry, didn't you?!"
"No, Ruby...I don't know why I'm not upset...I am, but I'm not showing it, I guess..."
"You're a liar, Ren!"
"Ruby! I'm just as upset as you, trust me!"
"No, you're...not..." She hiccupped. "You're not...you don't care...at all..."
"I do, I swear...I...I...just..." I felt tears welling up again, as I tried to think of things to say, "Ruby...I missed out on being friends with Larry in middle school...do you know how bad that makes me feel? I wasted a lot of time that...that would have been really valuable to me now..."
There was silence on the other end of the line.
"Ruby? You ok?" I asked, and wiped my eyes before the tears fell.
"I'm sorry that I yelled at you a minute ago..."
"It's ok."
"I was just angry because...because...I don't know...like how you were with Tawny earlier..."
I hesitated, "I really am mad at Tawny."
"What? Why?"
"Because it's her fault."
"What's her fault?"
"Everything."
"What, Ren? No. You can't blame her for...for...what happened."
"That's what Louis said."
"Well...Ren, I hate to say it, but Louis is...right..."
Louis wasn't right. He was never right. He couldn't be right. "If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have made them leave early...then...it wouldn't have happened..." My voice began to crack, and a tear rolled down my cheek. "It's Tawny's fault."
"Why does it have to be anyone's fault? No one can change anything...or go back and do anything over...or...or make it all ok again...so why should anyone blame anyone? Especially Tawny...I...I thought...that you and her-"
"No. You thought wrong!" I shouted into the receiver.
"Ren, you were just talking about missing out on stuff and wasting time..."
I didn't want to hear this. I didn't want her making me feel guilty for something that I shouldn't feel guilty about, "Ruby, shut up."
"I won't, Ren. You're being stupid and contradicting yourself...You're usually smarter than this..."
"I don't like Tawny." I said between my teeth.
She sighed, and sniffled a little, "I think we both have a lot on our minds...Bye, Ren."
"Bye." I hung the phone up, and laid back down on my bed.
Ruby was right, and Louis was right. I hated to think that, and I hated even more for it to be true. It wasn't Tawny's fault that Larry got into a wreck with Mona in the car. Even if I did make them leave because of her the same thing could've happened at any time of the night. There weren't many people on the road at late, but one was all that was needed, or they could've just as well hit a tree or a pole, and it wasn't Tawny's fault. Larry got drunk himself, Tawny didn't make him, no one made him. No one made anyone do anything really. He wouldn't have listened had anyone tried to stop him. Maybe I shouldn't have let him drive knowing he was wasted, but what could I have done? I couldn't have let him stay over or else I would have gotten in trouble. Fuck me! Fuck getting in trouble! Me getting in trouble would've been a hell of a lot better than both of them dying! I was such a selfish asshole!
It wasn't Tawny's fault that I liked her. She can't help who she is, or that she's so hot and sweet and everything that anyone could want in a person. It wasn't her fault any more than it was my fault or anyone else's. Why'd I get so mad at her? Why did I so quickly shift the blame on her for something that, like Ruby said, couldn't be changed or fixed? Maybe it was because I wanted a reason not to like her because she was too perfect, and being the opportunist that I am, I took that moment to blame her for Larry and Mona.
Reaching up to rub my face from the heavy thinking, I realized that my cheeks were wet. Why did it take people dying for me to realize what a jerk I was?
I sat up and reached slowly for my phone, but realized that I didn't know Tawny's number. I could ask Louis, but I didn't feel right doing that. I snatched Mr. Pookie up off the floor and sat with him on my lap. His big grin seemed really inappropriate.
Wasted time, so much of it. I didn't give Larry a chance years ago because my ego wouldn't let me, and I would have rather competed with him than stopped and worked together with him. He was the same way, but it might've only been because of me being the way that I was. Now, I was pushing Tawny away and she didn't deserve it at all, and I don't even know why I was doing it for sure.
I sighed, and wiped my face, then thought of the note from her in my book bag. I didn't want to read it, knowing it would make me feel even worse about everything. There was too much going on. Why'd people have to die at the same time that I was confused about Tawny?
I sat Mr. Pookie aside, and went quietly back downstairs to get some food to take my mind off of things. As I came down into the living room my eyes drifted to the purple lump on the floor past the door. Suddenly losing my appetite and becoming more sad, I made my way toward it. The floor was cold. I hadn't noticed the other million times I walked across it. I looked down at the puppy, and it's sad eyes looked up at me, begging me to pick it up.
Poor Nelson. I know he felt bad. I should call him. Poor Tawny. She was trying to help me out. The last thing she said before she left started echoing in my head. I had dropped my puppy, the same puppy that I was staring at now, sadly. It was in the exact place that she'd left it. I bent down and picked it up, "I'm sorry..."
I held it in my hand and looked at it. I had gotten it from the person that also brought bad news. Bad news that made me with I had appreciated people and time a little more. Anyone could be gone in minutes leaving everyone else wondering, and questioning, and wishing they had done a little more.
Anyone. That was an undelightful thought.
I saw Ruby sitting on the couch crying. I went to her, and put my arms around her. Pushing Tawny out of my mind. Even though she was annoying at times, she was my best friend, and I was always there to help her. I was right there for her when Dex broke up with her, and I was going to be right there with her now. The actual situation wasn't sinking in. I don't know why. It was like I wasn't sure whether or not I was asleep or awake, and that I could wake up at any time and everything would be like it was. That's what it was, a dream. This wasn't really happening. If it was then I'd be more upset right now.
"I wanna go home now..." She sobbed into my arm.
"Let's go call your parents to come get you." I whispered, and attempted to help her to her feet. She was trembling uncontrollably. My arm was damp from her crying.
"I can't believe this happened...it couldn't have...they were just here..."
"I know. I know." I said, leading her toward the phone on the far side of the room.
"Tawny, wait, and I'll give you a ride." I heard my mom say in the distance. Then the door slammed.
I left Ruby at the phone and went to tend to Monique, who had come out of the bathroom with tears streaming down her cheeks. I couldn't cry because I was Ren, the sensible one who was rational, and sensible, and made sense of things. That was why I wasn't crying. I didn't let my head get clouded by things in times of crises, when a clear mind was most needed.
Before I made it to her, my dad intercepted, "Honey, you're looking really pale. You should go lay down, then we'll all talk, ok?"
"Talk?"
He nodded, firmly.
It was my fault. He was blaming me. It wasn't my fault it was Tawny's. I ended up in my room in what seemed like seconds, on my bed with jumbled sheets because Ruby hadn't made it. There were still blankets and pillows on the floor. I hadn't picked them up.
I closed my eyes. I was so fucking sensible and my mind was so clear that I pushed Tawny. No, shoved Tawny. It was so not me, so far from me. I'd never physically hurt anyone. I had threatened to hurt Louis, but he was my brother, but Tawny? What had Tawny really done, ever, to deserve what I did to her? Larry and Mona were dead, and not coming back, and it wasn't making it to my head where it could properly affect me, and make me cry. Why wasn't it sinking in?! It wasn't real. It was a dream. Yes, Ren, it was a dream.
"Ren?"
I opened my eyes, and realized Louis was calling me. "Huh?"
He came and sat on my bed, "I'm sorry about everything that's been going on, and all..."
"Thanks for reminding me that it wasn't a dream..." I groaned and rolled over onto my stomach.
"I think we're in trouble..."
I squinted, "Why? What for?"
"Because Larry was drinking...here..."
"Oh shit..." I crammed my face into a pillow. It was my fault.
He nodded, "This sucks so bad..."
I sighed, and realized how very bad this was. Two of my friends were dead, I was going to get in trouble for not drinking, and Tawny...hell with Tawny.
"Man, this is so unreal...they were like...here...then gone...and we were like...some of the last people to talk to them...It seems all wrong..."
"Louis, just shut up." This was real. It was all real. "It's Tawny's fault."
"How's it her fault?"
I blinked the tears away that were coming. They weren't sad tears, they were angry ones. "I made them leave early because of her."
"What?"
I sighed. I couldn't tell him. He wouldn't get it. There was nothing to get though, I was confused about something stupid, "Just nothing. It's her fault."
"You can't blame her for a fucking head-on collision that happened miles from here, dude."
"Get out of my room, Louis!"
"But-"
"Get out!"
In a few seconds I heard my door click shut. Stupid Tawny! Stupid fucking Tawny! I buried my face far into the pillow and cried. I hated her. I hated everyone. Larry and I had just started to get along, and he was a nice guy. I wasted all those years in middle school, and it was disgusting. Why was I so stupid? Why was everyone so stupid? We all wasted so much time, and people could be gone just as soon as they were there. I didn't value the time I spent with him, or with Mona, or with anyone. I spent so much time with school work, and with myself.
"Ren, can you come down here?" Mom called.
I got up and went down to the living room. Donnie and Louis were on one of the couches and our parents were on the other. I sat, nervously, in the chair.
"Ok. Go Eileen." Said my dad.
"No, Steve, you."
He cleared his throat, and looked at us sternly, "I think this is a little soon to be discussing this, but your mom believes that we should address it now and make it clear."
"Dad, I wasn't drinking." I blurted out.
"Ren, honey...we don't like it when you lie to us."
"I'm not lying." I snapped, uncharacteristically.
"We're not accusing you yet, now just calm down for a minute." He looked toward Donnie, "You were supposed to be in charge last night and we clearly told you the rules, which you obviously didn't pay any mind to." He remained silent. "We know that you can legally drink, but you can't in this house, and you can't let people that shouldn't, do it. It was extremely irresponsible of you to let something like this happen. You are partly responsible for what happened. I don't know if you did let it happen to make yourself be cooler or what, but it was extremely wrong, and now you know some of the consequences."
"We raised all of you to be better than this." Mom added.
"We haven't figured out the punishment yet because of what happened with your friends, and I hope that knowing what happened to them is enough, but as soon as this blows over then there will be some form of punishment."
"Right now, we're not going to ask what else went on here, or accuse any of you of being anything more than irresponsible." She looked at me, "Whether or not, you were drinking, you let other people drink, and people got...hurt."
"You can all go now, and we're really sorry about what happened."
All three of us ventured solemnly up the stairs. Everyone had gone home, even Beans, who knew when was a good time to get away from us. I was about to go into my room and close the door, but Donnie said, "Hey, you two, do you want me to take the blame for everything?"
"No. It won't do any good." I said, plainly. Louis didn't answer. As I shut the door, my phone rang. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, but I answered it anyway. "Hello?"
"Ren...this is the worst day of my life..." Ruby whimpered.
At least it wasn't her birthday. At least they didn't get in a wreck leaving her party. "It'll all be ok." I lied. "After a while...it'll be ok."
"No, it won't..."
"Shhh...it will, I promise."
"Ren...I told my parents that I was drinking...and...and everything...I'm grounded for like...ever...and Larry...and Mona...and..."
"Ruby...calm down and breathe."
"How are you so okay with it, Ren?!" She suddenly yelled. "How are you not upset?! You still hated Larry, didn't you?!"
"No, Ruby...I don't know why I'm not upset...I am, but I'm not showing it, I guess..."
"You're a liar, Ren!"
"Ruby! I'm just as upset as you, trust me!"
"No, you're...not..." She hiccupped. "You're not...you don't care...at all..."
"I do, I swear...I...I...just..." I felt tears welling up again, as I tried to think of things to say, "Ruby...I missed out on being friends with Larry in middle school...do you know how bad that makes me feel? I wasted a lot of time that...that would have been really valuable to me now..."
There was silence on the other end of the line.
"Ruby? You ok?" I asked, and wiped my eyes before the tears fell.
"I'm sorry that I yelled at you a minute ago..."
"It's ok."
"I was just angry because...because...I don't know...like how you were with Tawny earlier..."
I hesitated, "I really am mad at Tawny."
"What? Why?"
"Because it's her fault."
"What's her fault?"
"Everything."
"What, Ren? No. You can't blame her for...for...what happened."
"That's what Louis said."
"Well...Ren, I hate to say it, but Louis is...right..."
Louis wasn't right. He was never right. He couldn't be right. "If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have made them leave early...then...it wouldn't have happened..." My voice began to crack, and a tear rolled down my cheek. "It's Tawny's fault."
"Why does it have to be anyone's fault? No one can change anything...or go back and do anything over...or...or make it all ok again...so why should anyone blame anyone? Especially Tawny...I...I thought...that you and her-"
"No. You thought wrong!" I shouted into the receiver.
"Ren, you were just talking about missing out on stuff and wasting time..."
I didn't want to hear this. I didn't want her making me feel guilty for something that I shouldn't feel guilty about, "Ruby, shut up."
"I won't, Ren. You're being stupid and contradicting yourself...You're usually smarter than this..."
"I don't like Tawny." I said between my teeth.
She sighed, and sniffled a little, "I think we both have a lot on our minds...Bye, Ren."
"Bye." I hung the phone up, and laid back down on my bed.
Ruby was right, and Louis was right. I hated to think that, and I hated even more for it to be true. It wasn't Tawny's fault that Larry got into a wreck with Mona in the car. Even if I did make them leave because of her the same thing could've happened at any time of the night. There weren't many people on the road at late, but one was all that was needed, or they could've just as well hit a tree or a pole, and it wasn't Tawny's fault. Larry got drunk himself, Tawny didn't make him, no one made him. No one made anyone do anything really. He wouldn't have listened had anyone tried to stop him. Maybe I shouldn't have let him drive knowing he was wasted, but what could I have done? I couldn't have let him stay over or else I would have gotten in trouble. Fuck me! Fuck getting in trouble! Me getting in trouble would've been a hell of a lot better than both of them dying! I was such a selfish asshole!
It wasn't Tawny's fault that I liked her. She can't help who she is, or that she's so hot and sweet and everything that anyone could want in a person. It wasn't her fault any more than it was my fault or anyone else's. Why'd I get so mad at her? Why did I so quickly shift the blame on her for something that, like Ruby said, couldn't be changed or fixed? Maybe it was because I wanted a reason not to like her because she was too perfect, and being the opportunist that I am, I took that moment to blame her for Larry and Mona.
Reaching up to rub my face from the heavy thinking, I realized that my cheeks were wet. Why did it take people dying for me to realize what a jerk I was?
I sat up and reached slowly for my phone, but realized that I didn't know Tawny's number. I could ask Louis, but I didn't feel right doing that. I snatched Mr. Pookie up off the floor and sat with him on my lap. His big grin seemed really inappropriate.
Wasted time, so much of it. I didn't give Larry a chance years ago because my ego wouldn't let me, and I would have rather competed with him than stopped and worked together with him. He was the same way, but it might've only been because of me being the way that I was. Now, I was pushing Tawny away and she didn't deserve it at all, and I don't even know why I was doing it for sure.
I sighed, and wiped my face, then thought of the note from her in my book bag. I didn't want to read it, knowing it would make me feel even worse about everything. There was too much going on. Why'd people have to die at the same time that I was confused about Tawny?
I sat Mr. Pookie aside, and went quietly back downstairs to get some food to take my mind off of things. As I came down into the living room my eyes drifted to the purple lump on the floor past the door. Suddenly losing my appetite and becoming more sad, I made my way toward it. The floor was cold. I hadn't noticed the other million times I walked across it. I looked down at the puppy, and it's sad eyes looked up at me, begging me to pick it up.
Poor Nelson. I know he felt bad. I should call him. Poor Tawny. She was trying to help me out. The last thing she said before she left started echoing in my head. I had dropped my puppy, the same puppy that I was staring at now, sadly. It was in the exact place that she'd left it. I bent down and picked it up, "I'm sorry..."
I held it in my hand and looked at it. I had gotten it from the person that also brought bad news. Bad news that made me with I had appreciated people and time a little more. Anyone could be gone in minutes leaving everyone else wondering, and questioning, and wishing they had done a little more.
Anyone. That was an undelightful thought.