I settled my mind on going to Tawny's house. Forget asking Louis for her number. Forget calling her all together. I got my keys from out of this kitchen, and headed for the door to the garage, "Mom, Dad, I'm going to Tawny's! I'll be back in a little while!"
They were in the dining room and my mom responded, "Ok. Be careful, honey."
I went out to my car and got in, then sat there with the key in the ignition, not turning it on. I could die just as easily as anyone else. I was a little scared to even drive now. I took a deep breath. The garage was still open from earlier. I turned the key, and backed down the driveway. Tawny's house was only about five minutes away. I didn't bother with the radio or with anything else, my mind was only on getting to Tawny's house.
I had to pull over to the side and park by the street because her dad's car was in the driveway. I ran up to the front door, and rang the bell. It looked dark inside, but someone was obviously home because their car was there.
The door opened, "Hello, Ren."
"Hi, Mr. Dean." I said, business-like, "Is Tawny home?"
He nodded, "She's in her room. I don't think she wants to be bothered because of what's happened."
"Oh..." I said, a little disheartened. "Tell her I came by, please."
"Alright." He shut the door, and I continued to stand there.
While pondering what to do for a moment, I decided to go to her window. Louis and Beans had done it before, so I could do it. I crept around to the back of the house, spotted the window, and the tree nearby. Not too hard. I'd climbed a few trees before. I put my keys in my pocket, since I'd been carrying them around, and I began my ascent. It wasn't long before I could see into her room.
I leaned over onto the sill so I could get a better look inside. The curtains were open, but the window was shut and it was dimly lit inside. The girl liked her darkness. I scanned the room to try and find her. She was laying face down on her bed, cuddling with a pillow. I tapped lightly on the window a few times.
She opened her eyes and looked at me, her face was without expression. She got up and came to the window slowly.
"Let me in." I said.
She responded by closing the curtains.
My heart sank. I'd screwed up. I carefully climbed down the tree. It was a lot harder to get down than it was to get up. I went back to my Jeep, and got in, then just sat there again. I looked over at the puppy I had placed in the passenger's seat and sighed.
As I drove home, I convinced myself that in a few days, Tawny would talk to me again. She wasn't one to hold grudges. Disappointed, I shut myself in my room like before. This time I went for the note. I rummaged through my bag, and found it in the bottom, a little crinkled. I sat on the floor, cross-legged, and unfolded it.
I began to carefully run my fingers over the neatly written words in black ink, then I read.
I don't write notes, but I'm writing you one. I bet you're wondering why...no, I know you're wondering why. I don't know how to start or where to start, but I'm going to try to do this. I don't know if you'll understand or what, but at least I'll know that I tried to explain somehow, even if it was a note, and the last way that I wanted to. I can't bring myself to say any of this to you out loud. I can't find the proper place or time to do it. It just doesn't work. I spent most of first period just talking myself into writing this. This is probably the worst day for me to decide to tell you this thing that I'm going to tell you because of your party, and you're gonna hate me, and want to kill me. Ok, maybe you would do -that-, but still. If I don't do this right now, then I might never do it. I'm rambling, and beating around the bush and not getting to the point. I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish by telling you other than so I can tell myself I tried to tell you or something. Yeah...anyways...my point is that I think I like you. Not like as a friend, but I like you, as in 'I think you're hot and I would go out with you if you weren't straight.' There. I said it. Either you can read on while I attempt to explain (because that's what I do...Tawny must try to explain all things) or crumble this up right now if you're revolted or whatever, and then forget about it, or hate me, or...yeah...show it to your friends and laugh at me. Go for it. I don't care. I just wanted to tell you so that I don't go through life wishing that I had told you.
"Kids! Dinner!" Dad yelled, and interrupted me. I folded the not and sat it by the lamp on the table by my bed where I'd remember to read it after I ate, but it was unlikely that I would forget about it. I was so mean to her. I wish I'd been a little more considerate. I was afraid of hurting her and I ended up hurting her.
I exited my room and Louis said from behind me, "Did you go to Tawny's earlier when you left?"
"Yeah..."
"Talk to her?"
I shook my head. "I think she hates me now."
"Nah. She's just making it difficult for you, making you think she hates you to see if you keep trying."
I raised an eyebrow, "Why're you giving me advice about her?"
He shrugged, "I heard you yelling at Ruby on the phone."
"Oh...well...I'm really sorry about you and her. You could find another girl if you tried."
"I doubt it."
"Maybe you should lay off of the drugs. Sometimes girls find it unattractive."
"Ha. Not all of them."
"Some do like...me and Tawny."
We made our way down the stairs, "Would you think I was attractive if I didn't do anything remotely wrong?"
"Ew! No, you're my brother."
"I mean like...nevermind. I'll get advice about girls from Donnie. He's actually had girlfriends." He walked into the dining room and our conversation ceased.
I still hadn't eaten anything all day, and I was really hungry upon smelling the food. Dinner was freakishly silent. All I did was eat. Once in a while someone would try and spark up conversation, but it died seconds later. Louis attempted a few stupid jokes, and we would all force a laugh. After eating I volunteered to do the dishes, and mom said she would go up and get the stuff off of my floor for me in my room.
Donnie got a drink out of the refrigerator as I was finishing up, and I again thought of him and Twitty. I laughed a little.
"I've got a date tonight. Do you think mom and dad'll let me go?" He asked me, pulling the tab of the soda.
I laughed again, and imagined him and Twitty on a date. "I dunno. Ask them, not me."
"Good idea. I wish I'd thought of it."
Louis would be stuck with Tom and Beans if by some bizarre twist of fate I ended up with Tawny, and Donnie ended up with Twitty. There was nothing wrong with Tom, except he scared me sometimes with his weirdness, and Beans...well...Beans was Beans, and I pitied anyone that had only him to hang out with.
I walked through the living room to go back up the stairs, and my mom called to me, "Ren, honey?"
"Yes?" I stopped.
"Is there anything you need to tell me, or anything you want to talk about?"
I thought for a second. Did she want me to ramble off things about Larry and Mona or something? Was I acting like there was something wrong? Could she have read Tawny's note? No, not the last one. She respected my privacy and never read any notes that anyone gave me. At least I didn't think she did. I shook my head, "No, not right now."
"Oh...ok." She said, rather suspiciously.
I got a little nervous, and hurried up the stairs. The note was resting on the table still. I examined it. It was where I left it, I guess. I couldn't remember exactly where I'd left it. I didn't memorize where I'd put it, didn't think I'd have to. I shrugged off the thought that my mom didn't trust me, and I crawled under the covers of my bed, then reached over for the piece of folded paper.
Carefully, I unfolded the perforations, and continued reading where I had left off.
I don't know how it happened, really. It just did. Remember when you were running for school policy monitor? I know you do. I helped Louis because of you, not him. He wasn't funny to me at all, and he was annoying, and yeah. I did take a liking to him after a while though. He was very...different, and interesting, unlike Zack, but you were too, only I couldn't tell anyone, and I could hardly bear to think about it myself. I sound like such a loser, don't I? I've always had a thing for you, but I never thought I really liked you until a few months ago. Louis has changed, and I don't like who he is now, but you stayed mainly the same. I always thought you deserved better than all the boys you ended up with crushes on, and...I dunno. I'm going on and on like I can convince you to like me, and I know I can't do that. This was probably the stupidest note you've ever gotten. I can't explain something that's so weird to me to someone else. I'm sorry for wasting your time. This was a stupid idea.
Looking through the folded curtains
Of the cold and darkened hall
Searching for something unknown
There is no writing on the walls
Freedom from imprisonment
Encased in my own mind
Is all that I can hope for
And all that I'm likely to find
In the cold and darkened hall
Tawny and her bizarre poetry. She was good for that. A little farther down the page was her name, signed nicely, and a tiny heart above it. I wondered how much effort it took for her to make that single tiny heart. She wasn't the frequent heart-making type.
I sighed, and refolded the note. After sitting it back on the table I switched off the light and laid in the near darkness, wondering what her poem meant. I could never figure her out. I wish she were here right now. Out of all the people in the world, I wanted to talk to her more than anyone, and she was the only person I really felt like talking about Larry and Mona to.
I felt like shit. I was so stupid. Why didn't I just try to talk to her about everything instead of just putting it off? I put my hand on my forehead and tried to think, as if my hand would put pressure on my brain and help me to do so.
It was so quiet. Everything was silent, completely. Some noise would be nice, and much better than this. I heard one of the doors downstairs open, and I looked out my window. It was Donnie leaving for his date. I hadn't gone on a date in a long time. Here I was with two of my close friends gone forever, and me thinking about dating.
I curled up and pulled the sheet over my head, thinking of the cold and darkened hall that Tawny was in, whatever it was. Larry's gone. Mona's gone. Anyone could be gone at any time, and the next person could be me or Tawny. I had to tell her before something stupid like that happened.
They were in the dining room and my mom responded, "Ok. Be careful, honey."
I went out to my car and got in, then sat there with the key in the ignition, not turning it on. I could die just as easily as anyone else. I was a little scared to even drive now. I took a deep breath. The garage was still open from earlier. I turned the key, and backed down the driveway. Tawny's house was only about five minutes away. I didn't bother with the radio or with anything else, my mind was only on getting to Tawny's house.
I had to pull over to the side and park by the street because her dad's car was in the driveway. I ran up to the front door, and rang the bell. It looked dark inside, but someone was obviously home because their car was there.
The door opened, "Hello, Ren."
"Hi, Mr. Dean." I said, business-like, "Is Tawny home?"
He nodded, "She's in her room. I don't think she wants to be bothered because of what's happened."
"Oh..." I said, a little disheartened. "Tell her I came by, please."
"Alright." He shut the door, and I continued to stand there.
While pondering what to do for a moment, I decided to go to her window. Louis and Beans had done it before, so I could do it. I crept around to the back of the house, spotted the window, and the tree nearby. Not too hard. I'd climbed a few trees before. I put my keys in my pocket, since I'd been carrying them around, and I began my ascent. It wasn't long before I could see into her room.
I leaned over onto the sill so I could get a better look inside. The curtains were open, but the window was shut and it was dimly lit inside. The girl liked her darkness. I scanned the room to try and find her. She was laying face down on her bed, cuddling with a pillow. I tapped lightly on the window a few times.
She opened her eyes and looked at me, her face was without expression. She got up and came to the window slowly.
"Let me in." I said.
She responded by closing the curtains.
My heart sank. I'd screwed up. I carefully climbed down the tree. It was a lot harder to get down than it was to get up. I went back to my Jeep, and got in, then just sat there again. I looked over at the puppy I had placed in the passenger's seat and sighed.
As I drove home, I convinced myself that in a few days, Tawny would talk to me again. She wasn't one to hold grudges. Disappointed, I shut myself in my room like before. This time I went for the note. I rummaged through my bag, and found it in the bottom, a little crinkled. I sat on the floor, cross-legged, and unfolded it.
I began to carefully run my fingers over the neatly written words in black ink, then I read.
I don't write notes, but I'm writing you one. I bet you're wondering why...no, I know you're wondering why. I don't know how to start or where to start, but I'm going to try to do this. I don't know if you'll understand or what, but at least I'll know that I tried to explain somehow, even if it was a note, and the last way that I wanted to. I can't bring myself to say any of this to you out loud. I can't find the proper place or time to do it. It just doesn't work. I spent most of first period just talking myself into writing this. This is probably the worst day for me to decide to tell you this thing that I'm going to tell you because of your party, and you're gonna hate me, and want to kill me. Ok, maybe you would do -that-, but still. If I don't do this right now, then I might never do it. I'm rambling, and beating around the bush and not getting to the point. I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish by telling you other than so I can tell myself I tried to tell you or something. Yeah...anyways...my point is that I think I like you. Not like as a friend, but I like you, as in 'I think you're hot and I would go out with you if you weren't straight.' There. I said it. Either you can read on while I attempt to explain (because that's what I do...Tawny must try to explain all things) or crumble this up right now if you're revolted or whatever, and then forget about it, or hate me, or...yeah...show it to your friends and laugh at me. Go for it. I don't care. I just wanted to tell you so that I don't go through life wishing that I had told you.
"Kids! Dinner!" Dad yelled, and interrupted me. I folded the not and sat it by the lamp on the table by my bed where I'd remember to read it after I ate, but it was unlikely that I would forget about it. I was so mean to her. I wish I'd been a little more considerate. I was afraid of hurting her and I ended up hurting her.
I exited my room and Louis said from behind me, "Did you go to Tawny's earlier when you left?"
"Yeah..."
"Talk to her?"
I shook my head. "I think she hates me now."
"Nah. She's just making it difficult for you, making you think she hates you to see if you keep trying."
I raised an eyebrow, "Why're you giving me advice about her?"
He shrugged, "I heard you yelling at Ruby on the phone."
"Oh...well...I'm really sorry about you and her. You could find another girl if you tried."
"I doubt it."
"Maybe you should lay off of the drugs. Sometimes girls find it unattractive."
"Ha. Not all of them."
"Some do like...me and Tawny."
We made our way down the stairs, "Would you think I was attractive if I didn't do anything remotely wrong?"
"Ew! No, you're my brother."
"I mean like...nevermind. I'll get advice about girls from Donnie. He's actually had girlfriends." He walked into the dining room and our conversation ceased.
I still hadn't eaten anything all day, and I was really hungry upon smelling the food. Dinner was freakishly silent. All I did was eat. Once in a while someone would try and spark up conversation, but it died seconds later. Louis attempted a few stupid jokes, and we would all force a laugh. After eating I volunteered to do the dishes, and mom said she would go up and get the stuff off of my floor for me in my room.
Donnie got a drink out of the refrigerator as I was finishing up, and I again thought of him and Twitty. I laughed a little.
"I've got a date tonight. Do you think mom and dad'll let me go?" He asked me, pulling the tab of the soda.
I laughed again, and imagined him and Twitty on a date. "I dunno. Ask them, not me."
"Good idea. I wish I'd thought of it."
Louis would be stuck with Tom and Beans if by some bizarre twist of fate I ended up with Tawny, and Donnie ended up with Twitty. There was nothing wrong with Tom, except he scared me sometimes with his weirdness, and Beans...well...Beans was Beans, and I pitied anyone that had only him to hang out with.
I walked through the living room to go back up the stairs, and my mom called to me, "Ren, honey?"
"Yes?" I stopped.
"Is there anything you need to tell me, or anything you want to talk about?"
I thought for a second. Did she want me to ramble off things about Larry and Mona or something? Was I acting like there was something wrong? Could she have read Tawny's note? No, not the last one. She respected my privacy and never read any notes that anyone gave me. At least I didn't think she did. I shook my head, "No, not right now."
"Oh...ok." She said, rather suspiciously.
I got a little nervous, and hurried up the stairs. The note was resting on the table still. I examined it. It was where I left it, I guess. I couldn't remember exactly where I'd left it. I didn't memorize where I'd put it, didn't think I'd have to. I shrugged off the thought that my mom didn't trust me, and I crawled under the covers of my bed, then reached over for the piece of folded paper.
Carefully, I unfolded the perforations, and continued reading where I had left off.
I don't know how it happened, really. It just did. Remember when you were running for school policy monitor? I know you do. I helped Louis because of you, not him. He wasn't funny to me at all, and he was annoying, and yeah. I did take a liking to him after a while though. He was very...different, and interesting, unlike Zack, but you were too, only I couldn't tell anyone, and I could hardly bear to think about it myself. I sound like such a loser, don't I? I've always had a thing for you, but I never thought I really liked you until a few months ago. Louis has changed, and I don't like who he is now, but you stayed mainly the same. I always thought you deserved better than all the boys you ended up with crushes on, and...I dunno. I'm going on and on like I can convince you to like me, and I know I can't do that. This was probably the stupidest note you've ever gotten. I can't explain something that's so weird to me to someone else. I'm sorry for wasting your time. This was a stupid idea.
Looking through the folded curtains
Of the cold and darkened hall
Searching for something unknown
There is no writing on the walls
Freedom from imprisonment
Encased in my own mind
Is all that I can hope for
And all that I'm likely to find
In the cold and darkened hall
Tawny and her bizarre poetry. She was good for that. A little farther down the page was her name, signed nicely, and a tiny heart above it. I wondered how much effort it took for her to make that single tiny heart. She wasn't the frequent heart-making type.
I sighed, and refolded the note. After sitting it back on the table I switched off the light and laid in the near darkness, wondering what her poem meant. I could never figure her out. I wish she were here right now. Out of all the people in the world, I wanted to talk to her more than anyone, and she was the only person I really felt like talking about Larry and Mona to.
I felt like shit. I was so stupid. Why didn't I just try to talk to her about everything instead of just putting it off? I put my hand on my forehead and tried to think, as if my hand would put pressure on my brain and help me to do so.
It was so quiet. Everything was silent, completely. Some noise would be nice, and much better than this. I heard one of the doors downstairs open, and I looked out my window. It was Donnie leaving for his date. I hadn't gone on a date in a long time. Here I was with two of my close friends gone forever, and me thinking about dating.
I curled up and pulled the sheet over my head, thinking of the cold and darkened hall that Tawny was in, whatever it was. Larry's gone. Mona's gone. Anyone could be gone at any time, and the next person could be me or Tawny. I had to tell her before something stupid like that happened.