Louis and I lingered around at the cemetery for a little while after the service along with a few other people, among them was Tawny. She lurked around the headstone, not talking to anyone. Louis and I sat in the Jeep waiting for everyone to leave so we could have some time alone at Mona's gravesite without a bunch of her family and strangers. He'd chilled out a little, but I could tell he was mad at me still. I didn't think he'd tell our parents.
I watched as Tawny's dad approached her, and put his hand on her shoulder. She said something to him, and he responded. I wished I could hear, but I couldn't. They started walking away, walking toward us, and to their car. I wanted to say something to her, but couldn't do that either.
As they passed by us they didn't seem to notice that there were people in the red Jeep.
"Daddy, I'm a lesbian." Tawny said, clearly.
Louis perked up, and so did I, and we turned to look at them, but remained quiet.
"Tawny...I...I...well...that's a surprise, and I'm a psychologist." He muttered.
"I'm sorry..."
"No. No, there's no need to be sorry. How long have you known this about yourself?"
"Uh...a few months..."
"Oh...I'm sorry. I should be sorry. I didn't even know. I knew I should've paid more attention to you. This had to have been hard for you. I'm so sorry Tawny. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"Daddy...I don't know..."
"Well...let's talk about this when we get home."
"Ok."
They got into the car and drove away. I looked at Louis. His arms were crossed and he was glaring at the dashboard.
"Louis..." I said softly.
"Ren."
"I wish you weren't mad like this about something you can't control..."
"I wish Tawny weren't gay, and I wish that Larry and Mona weren't dead, and I wish you..." His voice trailed off and he didn't finish his sentence.
I ignored him, grabbed the flowers from the back, and headed for the grave. I knelt down at the headstone, and placed the daisies among the other flowers that had been laid down there. I ran my fingers over the engraving, and sighed. "I'm sorry, Mona...I'll be sure to use those pens you gave me."
"She can't hear you, Ren." Said Tom's voice.
I turned, and he was standing above me. I sniffled a little, "I know."
He bent down next to me, "Why's Louis still sitting back there?"
"He's mad at me."
"Oh. Why's that? Do you think it's because of...everything...and he's just taking it out on you?"
I hesitated, "Yeah...that's part of it."
"He hasn't been himself lately. I've noticed. Tawny's hasn't been herself lately either."
"I think I know that. I live with him." I touched some of the petals of some of the brightly colored flowers at my feet, "I think Mona's parents hate me."
"I'm sorry."
I nodded, and my eyes caught a folded piece of paper stuck in amongst a bunch of flowers. I picked it up, "What's this?"
"Looks like a paper product."
"Thank you, Tom." I unfolded it, and saw handwriting that I recognized.
You're not here
And you can't see
I've written you a poem
That you'll never read
But when I die
There won't be anyone
To write one for me
Short, odd, and to the point, I guess. It wouldn't exactly be the best thing for her parents to read at the time, but it was Tawny. I folded it and put it back in the flowers. It was sad, not only because it was to Mona, but because Tawny had no one to write anything for her. That was it! I could write to her. She'd notice me then, and she'd listen. That's what I'd do. I'd write her something to explain.
"Ren?"
"Huh?" I looked at Tom.
His blonde hair was strewn about in a disorderly fashion, "You just looked kinda distant there."
"Oh...I was thinking."
"Might I ask, about what?"
"Um...nothing."
"Oh. Ok." He looked at his watch, "Mother, is expecting me home. I should go. It was nice talking to you, Ren."
"You too." He was going to be a serial killer, or gay. One of those. The latter was the safest. He liked his mom way too much, and never mentioned his dad. I watched him as he headed for the road, "Tom! Do you need a ride?!"
"Nope!" He waved back at me, "I need the exercise!"
I made my way back to my car. It was a long way to Tom's house from the cemetery, but I let him go, "Louis, get over yourself. I don't like it when you're like this."
"Well, I don't like a lot of things!"
"Louis, you're not being yourself at all, and people are noticing."
"Would you be yourself if the person you liked broke up with you for me?!"
"She didn't break up with you for me. She broke up with you because you treated her like crap!" I started the car.
"Bullshit!"
"Ha! You had a threesome with Monique and Mona at my party!" Silence followed that, and we drove home in complete quiet. As we went in the house, I said, "Louis...I'm sorry..."
"I don't believe you."
"Fine, then don't!" I went up to my room, hoping that Louis wouldn't be an ass and tell our parents anything stupid. I slammed my door, and sat on my bed. Tawny told her dad, and he didn't get mad at all. My parents wouldn't kill me, but I don't think they would be happy. Hell, I don't know. She still liked me, otherwise she wouldn't have told her dad, unless she suddenly liked some other girl, but who was better than me? Someone that wouldn't take forever to make up their mind, I suppose.
I got up and dug out a piece of paper and a pen, then I sat on the floor. I was going to write. I scribbled things down that I wanted to say. This was the only way for me to do this because she wouldn't listen to me, and it was her own fault that I was doing something on paper that I should be telling her to her face.
I scribbled down more thoughts. I had to organize before I wrote something. It was how I'd been taught to write in school. Must plan, then do. Gotta plan everything.
My planning took around forty-five minutes, which was an obscenely large amount of time to plan for something. My teachers always said not to spend too much time planning because I needed time to be able to do what I planned. I wasn't at school! Why couldn't I get out of that mind-set?!
I wrote a two page note, but read it and trashed it. It sounded like I was writing her an essay. Why couldn't I just write to her and sound like me instead of an essay-writing robot? This was a lot harder than I thought it would be, and it was way different than writing Ruby a note. Maybe I shouldn't tell her everything that I feel like I need to tell her. She needs to have a reason to talk to me, so I shouldn't tell her everything. I should tell her enough to get her to talk to me, and save the rest.
Yes, that was a good idea. Good thinking, Ren. I rambled off a paragraph about how I wanted to talk to her, but she wouldn't listen, that I was sorry, and that I was wrong, and inconsiderate. Basically, I said bad things about myself, then I said that that was extremely hard for me to do, which it was.
I planned on giving it to her after Larry's funeral tomorrow. I had to do it without her knowing I did it somehow because she'd probably refuse it if she knew it was from me. I could leave it under the windshield wiper of her dad's car. That would work nicely. I folded the paper and sat it on my dresser, where I'd remember to pick it up tomorrow before leaving.
The rest of the day flew by. Louis didn't tell our parents anything, and he only left his room for dinner, through which he was silent, and after he left I was interrogated to find out what was wrong with him. I told them it was because he was upset about Mona and Larry. It wasn't a complete lie, but it didn't feel right still.
Wednesday morning, I got up and got ready for Larry's funeral. I had some more flowers, and I stuffed the note into my bra because I didn't want to take my purse. Everyone went to the service in his church then went to the cemetery again. After the small graveside sermon, our parents left me and Louis again. We once more, sat in the Jeep and waited for the crowd to die down. We didn't really want people to hassle us and blame us for his death. It was upsetting.
I spotted Tawny's dad's car near where we were parked, and I saw Tawny and her dad hanging back behind the crowd so that they could move to the grave. I reached down my dress and snagged the note, then got out and tried to go non-suspiciously to the car. I slipped the note under the wiper blade on her side, then proceeded back to Louis, who gave me an odd look.
Ruby was standing with Monique, and I figured I'd go over there to them. It was better than sitting with Louis. I hugged them both then stood and watched them cry, trying to force some tears of my own. It was hard for me to cry in front of people, even if I was sad.
"Ren...Tawny's looking at you..." Ruby whispered. I was about to turn, but she grabbed my wrist, "No, don't look."
"Mmmkay."
"Maybe you should accidentally run into her on purpose?"
"No. I'd rather not."
"It works, Ren, trust me."
"Uh...I'm gonna go sit these flowers down, then I'm gonna go because Louis is in a bad mood still, and I don't want him to have a heatstroke or anything."
She and Monique nodded, then continued to cry with each other. I completed my mission, and then got ready to go back home. I noticed that Tawny was gone, when I got back to Louis, and I hoped she had seen the note and gotten it. Louis wouldn't have pointed it out if she didn't notice.
When I got home, I changed clothes, and stayed in my room to watch TV. I heard someone knock on the door after about an hour, and I hoped someone else would get it because I didn't feel like moving. My windows were open so I could hear whatever anyone said.
"Oh. Hi, Tawny." My dad said, "You here to see Louis?"
"Yeah."
"He's up in his room."
"Thanks, Mr. Stevens."
"No, call me Steve...Mr. Steve, since you're my son's favorite girl."
What the hell? Why was she here for Louis, and why was dad letting her call him Steve. Maybe I misheard something. I had to have because it made no sense...unless Louis had talked to Tawny while I was with Ruby and Monique earlier. He probably got the note, and threw it on the ground, then went and sucked up to Tawny. He'd do something like that to try and turn her straight again. What if it worked? He was that mad at me, and I wouldn't put it past him.
I saw a piece of paper slide its way under my door, and suddenly felt like moving. I moved, dived for it, then unfolded it, and read it to myself.
Having considered the options,
And contemplated on the situation,
My feelings,
And the darkness that surrounds them,
I've come to a decision,
An important one.
Though we're different,
Opposites certainly,
You're not like me,
I'm nothing like you,
And we don't go about things
At all the same,
I think we could try
Maybe this time a little harder
Now that we understand,
And we have one thing
In common.
I'm sorry that I tested you,
But you passed.
You passed.
In other words, Ren, I forgive you, and I missed you too.
"Yes!" I squealed, unintentionally. I was forgiven, in a weird way, but I was forgiven, and I wanted to call Ruby. Bad time though. Not good time. Would call her tomorrow. I made a mental note, and threw the physical note onto my bed. I switched off my TV, and swung my door open, expecting her to be standing on the other side, waiting for me, but instead I found only the empty hall. I stuck my head out and looked around. Nothing. No movement. Nothing. I ran downstairs, and looked around. I poked myself into the kitchen. My mom was cooking dinner, she turned and eyed me suspiciously.
"Hi mom!" I said happily, a little bit too happy for someone that just came from a funeral, but I didn't realize it until after I said it. It made me feel bad again. "Did Tawny leave or something?"
She blinked, and looked at me, tilting her head, "She's up in Louis' room, I think."
"Oh..."
"Invite her for dinner. She's not been around in a while."
"Ok." I scurried out, and back up the stairs, and went toward Louis' room. Mom was acting weird, and looking at me like she knew something I didn't know or something like that. I shrugged it off real fast.
I watched as Tawny's dad approached her, and put his hand on her shoulder. She said something to him, and he responded. I wished I could hear, but I couldn't. They started walking away, walking toward us, and to their car. I wanted to say something to her, but couldn't do that either.
As they passed by us they didn't seem to notice that there were people in the red Jeep.
"Daddy, I'm a lesbian." Tawny said, clearly.
Louis perked up, and so did I, and we turned to look at them, but remained quiet.
"Tawny...I...I...well...that's a surprise, and I'm a psychologist." He muttered.
"I'm sorry..."
"No. No, there's no need to be sorry. How long have you known this about yourself?"
"Uh...a few months..."
"Oh...I'm sorry. I should be sorry. I didn't even know. I knew I should've paid more attention to you. This had to have been hard for you. I'm so sorry Tawny. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"Daddy...I don't know..."
"Well...let's talk about this when we get home."
"Ok."
They got into the car and drove away. I looked at Louis. His arms were crossed and he was glaring at the dashboard.
"Louis..." I said softly.
"Ren."
"I wish you weren't mad like this about something you can't control..."
"I wish Tawny weren't gay, and I wish that Larry and Mona weren't dead, and I wish you..." His voice trailed off and he didn't finish his sentence.
I ignored him, grabbed the flowers from the back, and headed for the grave. I knelt down at the headstone, and placed the daisies among the other flowers that had been laid down there. I ran my fingers over the engraving, and sighed. "I'm sorry, Mona...I'll be sure to use those pens you gave me."
"She can't hear you, Ren." Said Tom's voice.
I turned, and he was standing above me. I sniffled a little, "I know."
He bent down next to me, "Why's Louis still sitting back there?"
"He's mad at me."
"Oh. Why's that? Do you think it's because of...everything...and he's just taking it out on you?"
I hesitated, "Yeah...that's part of it."
"He hasn't been himself lately. I've noticed. Tawny's hasn't been herself lately either."
"I think I know that. I live with him." I touched some of the petals of some of the brightly colored flowers at my feet, "I think Mona's parents hate me."
"I'm sorry."
I nodded, and my eyes caught a folded piece of paper stuck in amongst a bunch of flowers. I picked it up, "What's this?"
"Looks like a paper product."
"Thank you, Tom." I unfolded it, and saw handwriting that I recognized.
You're not here
And you can't see
I've written you a poem
That you'll never read
But when I die
There won't be anyone
To write one for me
Short, odd, and to the point, I guess. It wouldn't exactly be the best thing for her parents to read at the time, but it was Tawny. I folded it and put it back in the flowers. It was sad, not only because it was to Mona, but because Tawny had no one to write anything for her. That was it! I could write to her. She'd notice me then, and she'd listen. That's what I'd do. I'd write her something to explain.
"Ren?"
"Huh?" I looked at Tom.
His blonde hair was strewn about in a disorderly fashion, "You just looked kinda distant there."
"Oh...I was thinking."
"Might I ask, about what?"
"Um...nothing."
"Oh. Ok." He looked at his watch, "Mother, is expecting me home. I should go. It was nice talking to you, Ren."
"You too." He was going to be a serial killer, or gay. One of those. The latter was the safest. He liked his mom way too much, and never mentioned his dad. I watched him as he headed for the road, "Tom! Do you need a ride?!"
"Nope!" He waved back at me, "I need the exercise!"
I made my way back to my car. It was a long way to Tom's house from the cemetery, but I let him go, "Louis, get over yourself. I don't like it when you're like this."
"Well, I don't like a lot of things!"
"Louis, you're not being yourself at all, and people are noticing."
"Would you be yourself if the person you liked broke up with you for me?!"
"She didn't break up with you for me. She broke up with you because you treated her like crap!" I started the car.
"Bullshit!"
"Ha! You had a threesome with Monique and Mona at my party!" Silence followed that, and we drove home in complete quiet. As we went in the house, I said, "Louis...I'm sorry..."
"I don't believe you."
"Fine, then don't!" I went up to my room, hoping that Louis wouldn't be an ass and tell our parents anything stupid. I slammed my door, and sat on my bed. Tawny told her dad, and he didn't get mad at all. My parents wouldn't kill me, but I don't think they would be happy. Hell, I don't know. She still liked me, otherwise she wouldn't have told her dad, unless she suddenly liked some other girl, but who was better than me? Someone that wouldn't take forever to make up their mind, I suppose.
I got up and dug out a piece of paper and a pen, then I sat on the floor. I was going to write. I scribbled things down that I wanted to say. This was the only way for me to do this because she wouldn't listen to me, and it was her own fault that I was doing something on paper that I should be telling her to her face.
I scribbled down more thoughts. I had to organize before I wrote something. It was how I'd been taught to write in school. Must plan, then do. Gotta plan everything.
My planning took around forty-five minutes, which was an obscenely large amount of time to plan for something. My teachers always said not to spend too much time planning because I needed time to be able to do what I planned. I wasn't at school! Why couldn't I get out of that mind-set?!
I wrote a two page note, but read it and trashed it. It sounded like I was writing her an essay. Why couldn't I just write to her and sound like me instead of an essay-writing robot? This was a lot harder than I thought it would be, and it was way different than writing Ruby a note. Maybe I shouldn't tell her everything that I feel like I need to tell her. She needs to have a reason to talk to me, so I shouldn't tell her everything. I should tell her enough to get her to talk to me, and save the rest.
Yes, that was a good idea. Good thinking, Ren. I rambled off a paragraph about how I wanted to talk to her, but she wouldn't listen, that I was sorry, and that I was wrong, and inconsiderate. Basically, I said bad things about myself, then I said that that was extremely hard for me to do, which it was.
I planned on giving it to her after Larry's funeral tomorrow. I had to do it without her knowing I did it somehow because she'd probably refuse it if she knew it was from me. I could leave it under the windshield wiper of her dad's car. That would work nicely. I folded the paper and sat it on my dresser, where I'd remember to pick it up tomorrow before leaving.
The rest of the day flew by. Louis didn't tell our parents anything, and he only left his room for dinner, through which he was silent, and after he left I was interrogated to find out what was wrong with him. I told them it was because he was upset about Mona and Larry. It wasn't a complete lie, but it didn't feel right still.
Wednesday morning, I got up and got ready for Larry's funeral. I had some more flowers, and I stuffed the note into my bra because I didn't want to take my purse. Everyone went to the service in his church then went to the cemetery again. After the small graveside sermon, our parents left me and Louis again. We once more, sat in the Jeep and waited for the crowd to die down. We didn't really want people to hassle us and blame us for his death. It was upsetting.
I spotted Tawny's dad's car near where we were parked, and I saw Tawny and her dad hanging back behind the crowd so that they could move to the grave. I reached down my dress and snagged the note, then got out and tried to go non-suspiciously to the car. I slipped the note under the wiper blade on her side, then proceeded back to Louis, who gave me an odd look.
Ruby was standing with Monique, and I figured I'd go over there to them. It was better than sitting with Louis. I hugged them both then stood and watched them cry, trying to force some tears of my own. It was hard for me to cry in front of people, even if I was sad.
"Ren...Tawny's looking at you..." Ruby whispered. I was about to turn, but she grabbed my wrist, "No, don't look."
"Mmmkay."
"Maybe you should accidentally run into her on purpose?"
"No. I'd rather not."
"It works, Ren, trust me."
"Uh...I'm gonna go sit these flowers down, then I'm gonna go because Louis is in a bad mood still, and I don't want him to have a heatstroke or anything."
She and Monique nodded, then continued to cry with each other. I completed my mission, and then got ready to go back home. I noticed that Tawny was gone, when I got back to Louis, and I hoped she had seen the note and gotten it. Louis wouldn't have pointed it out if she didn't notice.
When I got home, I changed clothes, and stayed in my room to watch TV. I heard someone knock on the door after about an hour, and I hoped someone else would get it because I didn't feel like moving. My windows were open so I could hear whatever anyone said.
"Oh. Hi, Tawny." My dad said, "You here to see Louis?"
"Yeah."
"He's up in his room."
"Thanks, Mr. Stevens."
"No, call me Steve...Mr. Steve, since you're my son's favorite girl."
What the hell? Why was she here for Louis, and why was dad letting her call him Steve. Maybe I misheard something. I had to have because it made no sense...unless Louis had talked to Tawny while I was with Ruby and Monique earlier. He probably got the note, and threw it on the ground, then went and sucked up to Tawny. He'd do something like that to try and turn her straight again. What if it worked? He was that mad at me, and I wouldn't put it past him.
I saw a piece of paper slide its way under my door, and suddenly felt like moving. I moved, dived for it, then unfolded it, and read it to myself.
Having considered the options,
And contemplated on the situation,
My feelings,
And the darkness that surrounds them,
I've come to a decision,
An important one.
Though we're different,
Opposites certainly,
You're not like me,
I'm nothing like you,
And we don't go about things
At all the same,
I think we could try
Maybe this time a little harder
Now that we understand,
And we have one thing
In common.
I'm sorry that I tested you,
But you passed.
You passed.
In other words, Ren, I forgive you, and I missed you too.
"Yes!" I squealed, unintentionally. I was forgiven, in a weird way, but I was forgiven, and I wanted to call Ruby. Bad time though. Not good time. Would call her tomorrow. I made a mental note, and threw the physical note onto my bed. I switched off my TV, and swung my door open, expecting her to be standing on the other side, waiting for me, but instead I found only the empty hall. I stuck my head out and looked around. Nothing. No movement. Nothing. I ran downstairs, and looked around. I poked myself into the kitchen. My mom was cooking dinner, she turned and eyed me suspiciously.
"Hi mom!" I said happily, a little bit too happy for someone that just came from a funeral, but I didn't realize it until after I said it. It made me feel bad again. "Did Tawny leave or something?"
She blinked, and looked at me, tilting her head, "She's up in Louis' room, I think."
"Oh..."
"Invite her for dinner. She's not been around in a while."
"Ok." I scurried out, and back up the stairs, and went toward Louis' room. Mom was acting weird, and looking at me like she knew something I didn't know or something like that. I shrugged it off real fast.