Returning to school after two funerals wasn't exactly fun. Everyone was so depressed, at least it seemed that way, and I couldn't help but feel sad too, even if I did have a lot to be happy about. They had laid off the whole blaming me and Louis thing, at least. I arrived at school that morning, early of course, and casually roamed the halls, trying to find Tawny, but trying not to look like I was looking for anyone.
"Hey, Ren." Ruby said, as I passed her.
"Hi." I pulled over and leaned against the lockers. "I was going to call you last night and tell you...something...but I decided not to."
"Yeah?" Her eyes grew wide, "What is it? Something the matter? Something not the matter? I gotta know!" She was acting more like her old self.
I hesitated. I didn't know if I should tell her because she is, indeed, the Almighty Gossip Queen, and it could very well leak out before I was ready for it to. I leaned closer to her and whispered, "Me and Tawny."
"Ooooh." She said, very amused, and still with wide eyes. "Yeah?"
"Uh...don't tell anyone, ok?"
"Not even Monique?" She pleaded with her eyes.
"Yeah...tell her, but make sure no one hears."
"I need more story, Ren, or else I won't know what to tell her and I might get it wrong."
Was that a threat? I blinked, and looked down at my feet, trying to figure out what to say, "We're sorta together, but she's claiming to be with Louis...Can I call you this afternoon after school?"
She nodded eagerly. "Go on your merry way then, and I'll get the info later."
I walked off down the hall. She was recovering. That was good. I glanced into classrooms as I passed, but found no Tawny. I regretted not paying attention to her when I really wanted to. Had I done so I might actually know where she lurked. She didn't strike me as the type to hang out in a bathroom like Ruby and myself. Library, maybe? She liked quiet.
Quickening my pace a little, wanting to make it to her before the bell to say hi, I moved down the stairs and started for the library. I was nearly there when someone grabbed my wrist and stopped my movement.
"Ren, can I talk to you?" It was Twitty.
"Me?" I didn't feel like it right then, honestly, and I was in a hurry. Nothing against Twitty. He was a nice guy and all, but just...not at that second.
"Yes, you. I don't know what to do."
I took a deep breath, "About what?"
"I feel all uncomfortable at your house, and I think Louis is gonna hate me because I'm spending less time with him."
"Invite him to your house."
"Good idea...but you know how he is...he always wants to hang out at his place..."
"Twitty...I'm sorry, but I can't talk right now. Why don't you try and ask Tawny for advice on the matter? She's good at that sort of thing." I started to walk away.
"Yeah, I'll do that. Sorry to bother you..."
"It's ok, really." I said without turning around.
I opened the door to the library and looked from table to table. Most were uninhabited, but no sign of Miss Dean. I walked toward the back where the magazines were, and peaked around a shelf. There were couches there that were substantially more comfortable than the chairs in the front.
"Tawny." I whispered.
The dark-haired girl looked up from the notebook she was writing in, and smiled, "Good morning."
I smiled, happily, and motioned for her to come to me between the shelves.
She tilted her head and seemed to think about the situation, then closed her notebook and sat it among the other things of hers next to her on the table. She clipped her pen onto the collar of her shirt as she approached me. "Hi."
I glanced behind me to make sure no one was around, then I kissed her quickly, and pulled back.
"Getting brave, Ren, very brave." She whispered.
I grinned, proud of myself, and put my hair behind my ears, nervously. I didn't know what to say to her. This was so weird, but I was so happy at the same time.
She chewed her bottom lip, and put her hands in her pockets. She started to move around a little, nervously as well, "I wish...I dunno. Nevermind."
"What were you writing?" I asked, trying to start conversation.
"Uh...just some poetry."
"You gotta let me read it sometime." I said, and touched her cheek with the back of my hand, gently. I kissed her again, and was going to hold it a little longer.
"Ren-"
I looked up, "Oh! Nelson..."
He looked at me, shook his head, then said, "What're you doing in here?"
"Looking for a book, of course."
He nodded, "In the health section?"
I looked at the label on the shelf I was standing next to, "Yes, yes I am."
"Later." Tawny said, and went back to her stuff.
"I come here everyday and see if they have any new books." Nelson continued, "I could've sworn you and Tawny were just...um...doing something that you both could get many germs from."
I forced a laugh, "No, we were just discussing..." I pointed to a random book, "This right here...um...Malaria."
"Oh. Ok."
I moved out of his way, and to my pleasure the bell rang. I then fled from him. I caught Tawny on the other side of the shelf, "Hi again."
"Hello. I think your mom knows."
"No, she doesn't, seriously."
"I dunno, Ren..." She walked closely beside me, probably suspiciously close, and had her books under her right arm.
I see girls once in a while holding hands in the hall, and no one thinks they're going out, or anything like that. They're just best friends. I could do it with Tawny and get away with it, probably. I was Ren Stevens, and no one questions me. We had a few more minutes before the late bell, so I could go with her to class and see what her first period was. I held the door for her when we were leaving the library. I got no odd looks. I carefully brushed my fingertips against her free hand, hoping she would take the hint. I wanted to touch her somehow. I needed something or another to get me through my first class.
She looked at me like I was crazy, but said nothing, and didn't take my hand.
"Please..." I whispered.
Glancing down at our hands, she quickly interlocked our fingers.
We walked to her class without saying anything to one another, and with our arms brushing lightly against each other's because we were walking so close together. I was sort of trying to hide our joined hands. Arriving at the door, she took me over to the side, and let her hand fall from mine.
"Well...I'll see you later." I said, wiping my sweaty palm onto the side of my jeans.
She laughed, then abruptly stopped, "Sorry." She reached under her arms and handed me the notebook she had been writing in, "Here. Give it back to me this afternoon."
"Do you need a ride?" I asked her, taking it.
"To where? Your house?"
"Wherever."
"I'm going out with your brother, aren't I? I need to go over there while your parents aren't home so we...erm...me and him...can make out and stuff."
"I should go now before I'm late. Meet me in the parking lot, this afternoon." I turned, and started for the stairs. I had to trek across the school to get to my class. I slid into my desk in the front of the middle row, and put Tawny's notebook on the corner of my desk with my other things.
The bell hadn't rung yet, and Bobby reached over from his desk and tapped me on my shoulder.
"Hi?" I said, looking at him, oddly.
"Err...Ren...I'm really sorry about everything, and I hope that we can stay friends..."
"I do too." I said, not really giving it much thought. There were other things on my mind.
"So...uh...can I borrow your notes from the past two days because like...I know you have them, even if you weren't at school. I just need to copy them. I'll give them back as soon as I'm done."
I smiled, and opened my folder, taking out a few pieces of notebook paper. I handed them to him.
"Thanks."
It was Thursday and we'd just be reviewing for the test tomorrow. Bobby would be done copying Tuesday's notes by the time we got through with Monday's, and all would work out well. Who cares? I don't need to review. I'll just study extra tonight. The bell rang, and I slumped down in my seat, I pulled my folder into my lap that had my notes in it, then I put Tawny's notebook in front of it. I'd read her poetry instead of review. I could get away with it.
Mr. Smith began talking. It's all he ever did on review days. I opened the cover of the notebook, and looked at the first page of neatly written words in black ink. It wasn't all poetry. It was a poem, and then commentary on her own poem. I flipped briefly through the pages, and saw that they were all like that before I began to read. Amusing. Organized too. Very attractive.
I read the pages one by one, trying to take in all that I could. They were dated individually, and went back into the previous year. First they seemed to be mainly about society, problems with it and such. There were a few to Louis, how her feelings were fading, and how she didn't know how to tell him. A few poems were angry, at herself and people, and then there were poems about love, surprisingly, but they were spiteful toward it, which was less surprising. Several pages into it the tone and mood changed. There was less anger, and there was sadness instead, confusion, and her trying to work out how she was feeling by writing it. Her poems were like thoughts at the moment, and they were all about me. At first she didn't name me specifically, she just called me 'that person who confuses me' and 'that person who will never know how I feel'. Then finally, I was 'my boyfriend's sister', and at last I was 'Ren'. It was like she didn't quite want to acknowledge that it was me.
I reached a poem that was written a few weeks before my party. Her letters, in that black ink, curved beautifully. It was a short poem, and I glanced down at the bottom, seeing the words 'To Ren'. Yet another poem for me. I was feeling quite special. I read the words.
You look at me sometimes
Like there's something you want to find
Inside of me
You think I don't notice
But I can see
Maybe I see it only
Because I want to
Simply because I wish I had you
My eyes wandered down to the bottom of the page to read the nicely written commentary.
To Ren. I'm in love with her. She'd never suspect it though. She's in the library with me right now, we're at the same table. Our classes are both in here. She's working on homework, and I'm writing this. She keeps glancing up at me, when she thinks I'm not looking. I wish she'd stop. I hate the way she looks at me because I know she can't be looking at me like I hope she is. I can't believe this happened. I love Ren Stevens.
"Ren? Ren?"
I looked to my right, and saw Bobby handing me a few papers back. I grabbed them, and put them in the folder. Then went back to that page. She loves me. I wondered if she'd ever say that to me out loud. This girl really, really liked me. At first she toyed with it, then she realized that she did. I turned the page. I wished I could write like her. I wished I could express how I was feeling in writing. Maybe I could, just not right now.
I continued thumbing through the pages, not paying attention to anything around me. I got lost in her writing and Bobby had to say my name a few times to bring me back to hand me the rest of my notes. I then went back to reading.
The bell rang and I jumped, and slammed everything shut. All eyes were on me before everyone started drifting out of the room. I took a deep breath, put my hair behind my ears again, then I got Tawny's notebook out of my own. I gathered my books, and my purse, then started moving out behind everyone else.
"Ren, can I speak with you?" Mr. Smith said from behind his desk.
I turned, and walked over to him, "Yes?"
"I noticed that you were a bit out of it today. Is there something the matter?"
I shook my head, "No."
"You were staring at your notes, and twisting you hair instead of paying attention."
"Oh...I just really enjoyed this chapter."
"Oh ok." He raised an eyebrow, "You can go now. I was just wondering if there was something bothering you. I wouldn't want your grades to fall, and you're my best student and all."
"Well...thanks." I walked out, and headed for Tawny's locker. It was on the way to my next class, which I already had my books for. Mr. Smith was more concerned with my grades than I was. He had a bet going with another teacher than I'd have the highest GPA in my class. Silly man. I approached Tawny, and crept up behind her. She didn't notice me. I leaned close to her ear, then said, "Boo."
She whirled around, bumping her locker with her shoulder and causing it to slam into the head of Louis, whose locker was under his at an angle. He had been bending down to open it. She covered her mouth and said, "Oh God, Louis, I'm sorry."
He rubbed his head, "It's ok." He stuck two of his fingers through his curly hair, then looked at them, "I'm fine. No blood."
"Louis, that was so my fault." I said, a little embarrassed.
"I'm fine, Ren." He rubbed his head again, then opened his locker.
Tawny laughed, and pulled out another book, "Hi."
"Hello."
"I've gotta get to class." She said, shutting her locker, "I'll see you and lunch though, ok?"
I nodded, and touched her hand briefly before she walked away in the opposite direction that I was going.
"Hey, Ren, how're things going?" Louis asked me, nicely.
I shrugged, "Good."
"Just wondering." He roamed off down the hall after Tawny, saying nothing more.
Through second period I read the rest of Tawny's poetry. Then I made my way to lunch. I didn't sit with her. I quite wanted to, but it wouldn't work, not yet at least. I went through the line and sat in my normal stop with Ruby and Monique. There were two empty places at our table. They seemed particularly empty, right now, for some reason. Lunch passed in near silence. The only person really talking was Nelson, who I think we all tuned out because he goes on and on about everything. Today it was the unsanitary cleaning of the cafeteria utensils. I'd glance over at Tawny once in a while. She didn't appear to be enjoying lunch either.
The bell rang, and I lurked around at the door as everyone filed out. I caught Tawny's arm as she passed.
She looked up at me and smiled, "I hope we move on from this secret thing sometime soon."
"Yeah..." I regretted being afraid of what people would think if they know Tawny and I were together. It was really stupid of me. I shouldn't care what anyone thinks. All that matters is that I like her. I didn't quite feel like admitting I was wrong about something else this soon. "Well...two more classes."
"Yep." She grinned, and I released her.
Third and forth period crept by, but did eventually end, and I proceeded out to the parking lot, where I was met by Louis, and Twitty. "Where's Tawny?"
Twitty shrugged, and Louis answered, "Probably still inside. Usually it takes a few minutes for people to get their stuff together. You were out here like thirty seconds after the bell rang."
"Oh." I guess I was. I did kind of hurry a bit more than usual.
The three of us stood around out of the way of the other people moving toward their cars. It was hot out, and I was starting to sweat. I didn't like it. Shouldn't have worn pants today. I could see that Louis was starting to grow impatient.
"Dude, maybe she's not coming." Twitty suggested, after a moment of Louis pacing.
"She'll come." I said defensively.
Louis mumbled something under his breath, and I couldn't hear him.
Tawny walked out of the doors right after that, and came up to us, "Sorry, I'm kinda slow. Mrs. Penigrew made me stay after class."
"It's no problem." I said, jovially, and we all made our way to the far end of the parking lot to my Jeep. I had to park far away because I was only a sophomore and the nearer spaces were reserved for the upperclassmen. Twitty and Tawny crawled into the back, and Louis got the passenger's seat. It was an unwritten rule that my brother got to ride in the front. I don't know who came up with it, and no one ever argued about it, so he just always sat in the front. I'd only had the car for a few days, so it might change.
I parked on the side of the road again, then let the two out of the back. Upon entering the house we all went our separate ways. Louis and Twitty heading for the kitchen, and Tawny and I making our way upstairs. Not a word was said, everything was merely implied.
Tawny followed me into my room, and shut the door behind her. I sat my book bag in its place, then pulled her notebook out of it, and handed it to her. She placed it with her things, then stood on the opposite side of the bed and put her hands in her pockets.
"So...you wanna make out?" She asked, looking around and avoiding me.
I smiled, surprised at what she said, "No...I actually just wanted to talk."
"Oh." She seemed amused.
I laid down sideways on my bed, so that my head was near her and my legs dangled off the other side. "Your poetry was...uh..." I tried to quickly think of what she'd want me to say, "Good."
She raised an eyebrow and looked down at me. She didn't get to look down at me very often. "Anything else?"
"Interesting?"
"Ren, shut up."
I blinked, and said no more, figured she was mad at me for something. She laid down on the bed next to me, but the opposite way with her head down near my legs. She propped herself up on her elbows, and looked at me, tilting her head a little. I sat up, being careful not to touch her, scared to by now, and sat facing her.
"Ren...don't look at me like that..."
I turned away, not realizing I had been looking at her any certain way. I kept thinking about how she had written that she loved me. I couldn't even repay her for that. I was afraid of what people would do and say, if they knew. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For caring what people think."
"There's no one here right now..."
"I know...but this feels really awkward...or something..."
She sighed, "Wanna make out?"
I laughed a little, and put my arms around her. She welcomed my embrace, and I soon felt her lips on my shoulder. The moved to my neck and I shuddered. She started to suck lightly, and I pushed her away, "None of that..."
She blushed slightly, "Sorry."
Immediately after she had gotten the words out, I kissed her. Her lips and tongue pressed against mine, and she somehow managed to get me on my back again. I wanted to touch her, her skin, and not just all the clothes she was wearing. She was dressed like it was winter, long sleeves and pants. I slid my hands up her shirt, and ran them up her back. I searched for the clasp of her bra, but couldn't find it.
"The front..." she muttered, when she pulled away for air for a few seconds. She tried to get herself positioned better on top of me, and jammed her knee into my stomach. "Sorry..."
I grunted, and tried to get her bra off of her again, forgetting quickly about the sharp pain she had caused me, as she attacked my mouth with hers. I found the little hitch and soon had it undone. There was no way to get it off unless I stripped her of her shirts, and that was too much trouble at the moment, so I made due with what I'd done.
Tawny pulled herself away from me again, and sat up completely, before I was ready for her to. I made a pouty face, and she said, "I'm sorry...I just...gotta take off my shoes." She ripped her shoes off without untying them, then took mine off while she was down there. "What time're your parents gonna be home?"
I shrugged, and grabbed onto the front of her shirt to pull her back down. This time I moved my hands down to her ass, and pulled her body closer to mine. Why'd she have to be wearing pants again?! I couldn't take it. I let go and squeezed my hands between us, trying to undo her button and zipper. I got them both undone, and tried to pull them down some, while still kissing her.
"Not fair..." She mumbled and sat up more.
I became slightly confused, "Wha?"
"Take yours off."
I swallowed hard. "Get off me."
She shook her pants off and let them fall to the floor with her shoes, then sat up on my pillows, and pulled off the long-sleeved shirt she was wearing, leaving on the plain white t-shirt that was underneath. She pulled her bra off and threw it to the floor too, then looked at me.
I stared at her, sitting there like some kind of queen wearing very little, and took off my own pants. I kicked them to the floor with everything else. Then I crawled over to her, and looked her over once more. She was wearing deep red underwear, and I kept staring at them. I couldn't stop. She should take them off too. No! Bad Ren!
"Don't rape me." She whispered.
I looked up at her and laughed, then moved in on her again. This time I pressed her against the wall, and pinched her bare thighs as we kissed, while she contently had her arms around me, keeping me from escaping.
I heard a knock on my door, assumed it was Louis, and paid no mind to it, figuring he'd go away if I didn't answer.
"Ren, honey?"
I jumped off of Tawny, and scrambled for clothes, "Hold on, mom!"
"Hey, Ren." Ruby said, as I passed her.
"Hi." I pulled over and leaned against the lockers. "I was going to call you last night and tell you...something...but I decided not to."
"Yeah?" Her eyes grew wide, "What is it? Something the matter? Something not the matter? I gotta know!" She was acting more like her old self.
I hesitated. I didn't know if I should tell her because she is, indeed, the Almighty Gossip Queen, and it could very well leak out before I was ready for it to. I leaned closer to her and whispered, "Me and Tawny."
"Ooooh." She said, very amused, and still with wide eyes. "Yeah?"
"Uh...don't tell anyone, ok?"
"Not even Monique?" She pleaded with her eyes.
"Yeah...tell her, but make sure no one hears."
"I need more story, Ren, or else I won't know what to tell her and I might get it wrong."
Was that a threat? I blinked, and looked down at my feet, trying to figure out what to say, "We're sorta together, but she's claiming to be with Louis...Can I call you this afternoon after school?"
She nodded eagerly. "Go on your merry way then, and I'll get the info later."
I walked off down the hall. She was recovering. That was good. I glanced into classrooms as I passed, but found no Tawny. I regretted not paying attention to her when I really wanted to. Had I done so I might actually know where she lurked. She didn't strike me as the type to hang out in a bathroom like Ruby and myself. Library, maybe? She liked quiet.
Quickening my pace a little, wanting to make it to her before the bell to say hi, I moved down the stairs and started for the library. I was nearly there when someone grabbed my wrist and stopped my movement.
"Ren, can I talk to you?" It was Twitty.
"Me?" I didn't feel like it right then, honestly, and I was in a hurry. Nothing against Twitty. He was a nice guy and all, but just...not at that second.
"Yes, you. I don't know what to do."
I took a deep breath, "About what?"
"I feel all uncomfortable at your house, and I think Louis is gonna hate me because I'm spending less time with him."
"Invite him to your house."
"Good idea...but you know how he is...he always wants to hang out at his place..."
"Twitty...I'm sorry, but I can't talk right now. Why don't you try and ask Tawny for advice on the matter? She's good at that sort of thing." I started to walk away.
"Yeah, I'll do that. Sorry to bother you..."
"It's ok, really." I said without turning around.
I opened the door to the library and looked from table to table. Most were uninhabited, but no sign of Miss Dean. I walked toward the back where the magazines were, and peaked around a shelf. There were couches there that were substantially more comfortable than the chairs in the front.
"Tawny." I whispered.
The dark-haired girl looked up from the notebook she was writing in, and smiled, "Good morning."
I smiled, happily, and motioned for her to come to me between the shelves.
She tilted her head and seemed to think about the situation, then closed her notebook and sat it among the other things of hers next to her on the table. She clipped her pen onto the collar of her shirt as she approached me. "Hi."
I glanced behind me to make sure no one was around, then I kissed her quickly, and pulled back.
"Getting brave, Ren, very brave." She whispered.
I grinned, proud of myself, and put my hair behind my ears, nervously. I didn't know what to say to her. This was so weird, but I was so happy at the same time.
She chewed her bottom lip, and put her hands in her pockets. She started to move around a little, nervously as well, "I wish...I dunno. Nevermind."
"What were you writing?" I asked, trying to start conversation.
"Uh...just some poetry."
"You gotta let me read it sometime." I said, and touched her cheek with the back of my hand, gently. I kissed her again, and was going to hold it a little longer.
"Ren-"
I looked up, "Oh! Nelson..."
He looked at me, shook his head, then said, "What're you doing in here?"
"Looking for a book, of course."
He nodded, "In the health section?"
I looked at the label on the shelf I was standing next to, "Yes, yes I am."
"Later." Tawny said, and went back to her stuff.
"I come here everyday and see if they have any new books." Nelson continued, "I could've sworn you and Tawny were just...um...doing something that you both could get many germs from."
I forced a laugh, "No, we were just discussing..." I pointed to a random book, "This right here...um...Malaria."
"Oh. Ok."
I moved out of his way, and to my pleasure the bell rang. I then fled from him. I caught Tawny on the other side of the shelf, "Hi again."
"Hello. I think your mom knows."
"No, she doesn't, seriously."
"I dunno, Ren..." She walked closely beside me, probably suspiciously close, and had her books under her right arm.
I see girls once in a while holding hands in the hall, and no one thinks they're going out, or anything like that. They're just best friends. I could do it with Tawny and get away with it, probably. I was Ren Stevens, and no one questions me. We had a few more minutes before the late bell, so I could go with her to class and see what her first period was. I held the door for her when we were leaving the library. I got no odd looks. I carefully brushed my fingertips against her free hand, hoping she would take the hint. I wanted to touch her somehow. I needed something or another to get me through my first class.
She looked at me like I was crazy, but said nothing, and didn't take my hand.
"Please..." I whispered.
Glancing down at our hands, she quickly interlocked our fingers.
We walked to her class without saying anything to one another, and with our arms brushing lightly against each other's because we were walking so close together. I was sort of trying to hide our joined hands. Arriving at the door, she took me over to the side, and let her hand fall from mine.
"Well...I'll see you later." I said, wiping my sweaty palm onto the side of my jeans.
She laughed, then abruptly stopped, "Sorry." She reached under her arms and handed me the notebook she had been writing in, "Here. Give it back to me this afternoon."
"Do you need a ride?" I asked her, taking it.
"To where? Your house?"
"Wherever."
"I'm going out with your brother, aren't I? I need to go over there while your parents aren't home so we...erm...me and him...can make out and stuff."
"I should go now before I'm late. Meet me in the parking lot, this afternoon." I turned, and started for the stairs. I had to trek across the school to get to my class. I slid into my desk in the front of the middle row, and put Tawny's notebook on the corner of my desk with my other things.
The bell hadn't rung yet, and Bobby reached over from his desk and tapped me on my shoulder.
"Hi?" I said, looking at him, oddly.
"Err...Ren...I'm really sorry about everything, and I hope that we can stay friends..."
"I do too." I said, not really giving it much thought. There were other things on my mind.
"So...uh...can I borrow your notes from the past two days because like...I know you have them, even if you weren't at school. I just need to copy them. I'll give them back as soon as I'm done."
I smiled, and opened my folder, taking out a few pieces of notebook paper. I handed them to him.
"Thanks."
It was Thursday and we'd just be reviewing for the test tomorrow. Bobby would be done copying Tuesday's notes by the time we got through with Monday's, and all would work out well. Who cares? I don't need to review. I'll just study extra tonight. The bell rang, and I slumped down in my seat, I pulled my folder into my lap that had my notes in it, then I put Tawny's notebook in front of it. I'd read her poetry instead of review. I could get away with it.
Mr. Smith began talking. It's all he ever did on review days. I opened the cover of the notebook, and looked at the first page of neatly written words in black ink. It wasn't all poetry. It was a poem, and then commentary on her own poem. I flipped briefly through the pages, and saw that they were all like that before I began to read. Amusing. Organized too. Very attractive.
I read the pages one by one, trying to take in all that I could. They were dated individually, and went back into the previous year. First they seemed to be mainly about society, problems with it and such. There were a few to Louis, how her feelings were fading, and how she didn't know how to tell him. A few poems were angry, at herself and people, and then there were poems about love, surprisingly, but they were spiteful toward it, which was less surprising. Several pages into it the tone and mood changed. There was less anger, and there was sadness instead, confusion, and her trying to work out how she was feeling by writing it. Her poems were like thoughts at the moment, and they were all about me. At first she didn't name me specifically, she just called me 'that person who confuses me' and 'that person who will never know how I feel'. Then finally, I was 'my boyfriend's sister', and at last I was 'Ren'. It was like she didn't quite want to acknowledge that it was me.
I reached a poem that was written a few weeks before my party. Her letters, in that black ink, curved beautifully. It was a short poem, and I glanced down at the bottom, seeing the words 'To Ren'. Yet another poem for me. I was feeling quite special. I read the words.
You look at me sometimes
Like there's something you want to find
Inside of me
You think I don't notice
But I can see
Maybe I see it only
Because I want to
Simply because I wish I had you
My eyes wandered down to the bottom of the page to read the nicely written commentary.
To Ren. I'm in love with her. She'd never suspect it though. She's in the library with me right now, we're at the same table. Our classes are both in here. She's working on homework, and I'm writing this. She keeps glancing up at me, when she thinks I'm not looking. I wish she'd stop. I hate the way she looks at me because I know she can't be looking at me like I hope she is. I can't believe this happened. I love Ren Stevens.
"Ren? Ren?"
I looked to my right, and saw Bobby handing me a few papers back. I grabbed them, and put them in the folder. Then went back to that page. She loves me. I wondered if she'd ever say that to me out loud. This girl really, really liked me. At first she toyed with it, then she realized that she did. I turned the page. I wished I could write like her. I wished I could express how I was feeling in writing. Maybe I could, just not right now.
I continued thumbing through the pages, not paying attention to anything around me. I got lost in her writing and Bobby had to say my name a few times to bring me back to hand me the rest of my notes. I then went back to reading.
The bell rang and I jumped, and slammed everything shut. All eyes were on me before everyone started drifting out of the room. I took a deep breath, put my hair behind my ears again, then I got Tawny's notebook out of my own. I gathered my books, and my purse, then started moving out behind everyone else.
"Ren, can I speak with you?" Mr. Smith said from behind his desk.
I turned, and walked over to him, "Yes?"
"I noticed that you were a bit out of it today. Is there something the matter?"
I shook my head, "No."
"You were staring at your notes, and twisting you hair instead of paying attention."
"Oh...I just really enjoyed this chapter."
"Oh ok." He raised an eyebrow, "You can go now. I was just wondering if there was something bothering you. I wouldn't want your grades to fall, and you're my best student and all."
"Well...thanks." I walked out, and headed for Tawny's locker. It was on the way to my next class, which I already had my books for. Mr. Smith was more concerned with my grades than I was. He had a bet going with another teacher than I'd have the highest GPA in my class. Silly man. I approached Tawny, and crept up behind her. She didn't notice me. I leaned close to her ear, then said, "Boo."
She whirled around, bumping her locker with her shoulder and causing it to slam into the head of Louis, whose locker was under his at an angle. He had been bending down to open it. She covered her mouth and said, "Oh God, Louis, I'm sorry."
He rubbed his head, "It's ok." He stuck two of his fingers through his curly hair, then looked at them, "I'm fine. No blood."
"Louis, that was so my fault." I said, a little embarrassed.
"I'm fine, Ren." He rubbed his head again, then opened his locker.
Tawny laughed, and pulled out another book, "Hi."
"Hello."
"I've gotta get to class." She said, shutting her locker, "I'll see you and lunch though, ok?"
I nodded, and touched her hand briefly before she walked away in the opposite direction that I was going.
"Hey, Ren, how're things going?" Louis asked me, nicely.
I shrugged, "Good."
"Just wondering." He roamed off down the hall after Tawny, saying nothing more.
Through second period I read the rest of Tawny's poetry. Then I made my way to lunch. I didn't sit with her. I quite wanted to, but it wouldn't work, not yet at least. I went through the line and sat in my normal stop with Ruby and Monique. There were two empty places at our table. They seemed particularly empty, right now, for some reason. Lunch passed in near silence. The only person really talking was Nelson, who I think we all tuned out because he goes on and on about everything. Today it was the unsanitary cleaning of the cafeteria utensils. I'd glance over at Tawny once in a while. She didn't appear to be enjoying lunch either.
The bell rang, and I lurked around at the door as everyone filed out. I caught Tawny's arm as she passed.
She looked up at me and smiled, "I hope we move on from this secret thing sometime soon."
"Yeah..." I regretted being afraid of what people would think if they know Tawny and I were together. It was really stupid of me. I shouldn't care what anyone thinks. All that matters is that I like her. I didn't quite feel like admitting I was wrong about something else this soon. "Well...two more classes."
"Yep." She grinned, and I released her.
Third and forth period crept by, but did eventually end, and I proceeded out to the parking lot, where I was met by Louis, and Twitty. "Where's Tawny?"
Twitty shrugged, and Louis answered, "Probably still inside. Usually it takes a few minutes for people to get their stuff together. You were out here like thirty seconds after the bell rang."
"Oh." I guess I was. I did kind of hurry a bit more than usual.
The three of us stood around out of the way of the other people moving toward their cars. It was hot out, and I was starting to sweat. I didn't like it. Shouldn't have worn pants today. I could see that Louis was starting to grow impatient.
"Dude, maybe she's not coming." Twitty suggested, after a moment of Louis pacing.
"She'll come." I said defensively.
Louis mumbled something under his breath, and I couldn't hear him.
Tawny walked out of the doors right after that, and came up to us, "Sorry, I'm kinda slow. Mrs. Penigrew made me stay after class."
"It's no problem." I said, jovially, and we all made our way to the far end of the parking lot to my Jeep. I had to park far away because I was only a sophomore and the nearer spaces were reserved for the upperclassmen. Twitty and Tawny crawled into the back, and Louis got the passenger's seat. It was an unwritten rule that my brother got to ride in the front. I don't know who came up with it, and no one ever argued about it, so he just always sat in the front. I'd only had the car for a few days, so it might change.
I parked on the side of the road again, then let the two out of the back. Upon entering the house we all went our separate ways. Louis and Twitty heading for the kitchen, and Tawny and I making our way upstairs. Not a word was said, everything was merely implied.
Tawny followed me into my room, and shut the door behind her. I sat my book bag in its place, then pulled her notebook out of it, and handed it to her. She placed it with her things, then stood on the opposite side of the bed and put her hands in her pockets.
"So...you wanna make out?" She asked, looking around and avoiding me.
I smiled, surprised at what she said, "No...I actually just wanted to talk."
"Oh." She seemed amused.
I laid down sideways on my bed, so that my head was near her and my legs dangled off the other side. "Your poetry was...uh..." I tried to quickly think of what she'd want me to say, "Good."
She raised an eyebrow and looked down at me. She didn't get to look down at me very often. "Anything else?"
"Interesting?"
"Ren, shut up."
I blinked, and said no more, figured she was mad at me for something. She laid down on the bed next to me, but the opposite way with her head down near my legs. She propped herself up on her elbows, and looked at me, tilting her head a little. I sat up, being careful not to touch her, scared to by now, and sat facing her.
"Ren...don't look at me like that..."
I turned away, not realizing I had been looking at her any certain way. I kept thinking about how she had written that she loved me. I couldn't even repay her for that. I was afraid of what people would do and say, if they knew. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For caring what people think."
"There's no one here right now..."
"I know...but this feels really awkward...or something..."
She sighed, "Wanna make out?"
I laughed a little, and put my arms around her. She welcomed my embrace, and I soon felt her lips on my shoulder. The moved to my neck and I shuddered. She started to suck lightly, and I pushed her away, "None of that..."
She blushed slightly, "Sorry."
Immediately after she had gotten the words out, I kissed her. Her lips and tongue pressed against mine, and she somehow managed to get me on my back again. I wanted to touch her, her skin, and not just all the clothes she was wearing. She was dressed like it was winter, long sleeves and pants. I slid my hands up her shirt, and ran them up her back. I searched for the clasp of her bra, but couldn't find it.
"The front..." she muttered, when she pulled away for air for a few seconds. She tried to get herself positioned better on top of me, and jammed her knee into my stomach. "Sorry..."
I grunted, and tried to get her bra off of her again, forgetting quickly about the sharp pain she had caused me, as she attacked my mouth with hers. I found the little hitch and soon had it undone. There was no way to get it off unless I stripped her of her shirts, and that was too much trouble at the moment, so I made due with what I'd done.
Tawny pulled herself away from me again, and sat up completely, before I was ready for her to. I made a pouty face, and she said, "I'm sorry...I just...gotta take off my shoes." She ripped her shoes off without untying them, then took mine off while she was down there. "What time're your parents gonna be home?"
I shrugged, and grabbed onto the front of her shirt to pull her back down. This time I moved my hands down to her ass, and pulled her body closer to mine. Why'd she have to be wearing pants again?! I couldn't take it. I let go and squeezed my hands between us, trying to undo her button and zipper. I got them both undone, and tried to pull them down some, while still kissing her.
"Not fair..." She mumbled and sat up more.
I became slightly confused, "Wha?"
"Take yours off."
I swallowed hard. "Get off me."
She shook her pants off and let them fall to the floor with her shoes, then sat up on my pillows, and pulled off the long-sleeved shirt she was wearing, leaving on the plain white t-shirt that was underneath. She pulled her bra off and threw it to the floor too, then looked at me.
I stared at her, sitting there like some kind of queen wearing very little, and took off my own pants. I kicked them to the floor with everything else. Then I crawled over to her, and looked her over once more. She was wearing deep red underwear, and I kept staring at them. I couldn't stop. She should take them off too. No! Bad Ren!
"Don't rape me." She whispered.
I looked up at her and laughed, then moved in on her again. This time I pressed her against the wall, and pinched her bare thighs as we kissed, while she contently had her arms around me, keeping me from escaping.
I heard a knock on my door, assumed it was Louis, and paid no mind to it, figuring he'd go away if I didn't answer.
"Ren, honey?"
I jumped off of Tawny, and scrambled for clothes, "Hold on, mom!"