A Happy Tale of STUFF…and Runo
Chapter 1: Getting Ready for the Party
By: Miyamashi
Miyamashi's Note: I love this fic to death, but it, frankly, is just…stupid. It's very entertaining, but it is stupid. (But, shouldn't everybody indulge in a stupid fanfic every now and then?) You have been warned. (RenoXRufus…AKA: Runo) Just as a note, Reno is characterized as a total goofball, Rufus is the sarcastic, almost sadistic one, and Elena is a complete and utter ditz. Rude is there, too, and he actually talks quite a bit. Reeve is just strange. Oddly, none of them really seem THAT OOC…but that's just me, I think. Also note that my offhanded and slightly hidden comment about Aeris' fashion sense is just for fun, seeing as she's my favorite character in FF7 (Then comes Rufus, then Reno).
The first two chapters are a lot better than the third, in my opinion, and the end is also pretty predictable and a little overused, but it's the journey that counts, not the destination.
Warning- This fic has some bad language, some minor flirting and one kiss between the boys, much randomness, and CROSS-DRESSING! Yay! It's the formula for perfect fanfiction! (Yeah…right.)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or places or ANYTHING associated with FF7, Square does. I'm just having a bit of harmless (non-profit) fun.
Rufus- I need a girlfriend…
Reno- WHA?!? But I thought we were happy!
Rufus- We are. You know that big company party that the staff just sprung on us?
Reno- …yeah…what's that got to do with anything?
Rufus- That party is because everyone wants to meet my "girlfriend".
Reno- Huh?
Rufus- We were caught. I really need to put something on those windows.
Reno- Shit………..heyyy, they thought I was a girl?
Rufus- [Shrugs] I guess that they assumed.
Reno- Well, you're the boss. Why do you even have to go to the party? It's not like they can all tell you what to do.
Rufus- I have to go, Reno, or I won't hear the end of it, and I really can't afford to just fire everyone and get new employees.
Reno- Well, go pick up some whore from the slums or something.
Rufus- They saw your hair…
Reno- DAMNIT!!! ……and they didn't know who I was?
Rufus- [shrugs again] It's probably a good thing, too.
Reno- [sighs] So, what're you gonna do?
Rufus- [Stares pleadingly at Reno]
Reno- Oh nononononono! NOT ME!
Rufus- Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssseeee?
Reno- NO!
Rufus- Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssseeeeeeeeeeee?
Reno- NO!!!
Rufus- PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEE????
Reno- But…but…I don't WANNA!
Rufus- [pouts]
Reno- Rufus, I don't wanna dress like a girl!
Rufus- [gives Reno "puppy-dog eyes"]
Reno- Don't look at me like that!!!
Rufus- [gets teary-eyed and his bottom lip starts to quiver]
Reno- [looks away] I'm not doing it.
Rufus- I think that you're forgetting something.
Reno- What?
Rufus- I'm still your boss.
Reno- Hey, don't pull that on me! That's not fair!
Rufus- I use what I have.
Reno- Damn you.
Rufus- [grins smugly]
Reno- So, where exactly are we supposed to get girl…stuff…?
Rufus- I have it covered. Go hide somewhere.
Reno- Where?
Rufus- Just find someplace.
Reno- But this is a big, open office.
Rufus- Come here.
Reno- …okay…[walks over to Rufus]
Rufus- [unceremoniously shoves Reno under his desk, sits down, and buzzes his secretary.]
Secretary- Sir.
Rufus- Miss…uh…Secretary…my girlfriend just called from the train. She was mugged by a drunkard and lost the extra outfit that she brought for the party. She can wear one of my shirts, but she still needs…everything else. Can you do this for me?
Secretary- Yes Sir. But, I have one question.
Rufus- [going red in the face, his heart pounding] W-what is it?
Secretary- What size is she?
Rufus- [Returning to normal colour and dropping out of potential cardiac arrest] She is…uh…hold on a second…[ducks under the desk to ask Reno]
Secretary- Sir, what are you doing?
Rufus- [from under the desk, only his hand showing over the top] Don't mind me. I'll get back to you.
Secretary- …
Rufus- [Pops back up] H…She is a four.
Secretary- Thank you Sir. [muttering as she exits] I think that my boss is insane…
Rufus- [to Reno] You can come out now.
Reno- [GASP] It was CRAMPED under there!
[Sometime later]
Rufus- Well, we have everything that we need.
Reno- Why do I have to wear one of your turtlenecks?
Rufus- So that nobody sees your Adam's Apple. Now, go change.
Reno- Fine…[goes into a nearby bathroom]
[After a few minutes]
Reno- [Yelling from bathroom] Help me! I'm STUCK!
Rufus- How did you get stuck? On What? You're just changing clothes, for Pete's sake!
Reno- No questions, just help!…and who is Pete, anyway?
Rufus- How the hell should I know? I just say it. I didn't make it up. [Sighs and walks to the bathroom, opens the door, and abruptly bursts out laughing.]
[Reno, who is caught and hanging from one of the bathroom's surprisingly strong light fixtures by the half-stuffed and partially clasped bra that he is wearing, begins to flail wildly, trying to catch Rufus' attention. Rufus is, by now, literally rolling on the floor.]
Rufus- [After finally recovering, tears still streaming from his eyes] How exactly did you get up there?
Reno- Well, I figured that I needed boobs to be an attractive girl, but I couldn't exactly figure out how to hook this stupid thing. [points to bra] Well, I decided that I needed the mirror, but it was too high up for me to see anything…
Rufus- Please tell me that you didn't climb up on the counter. Just put me into a healthy state of denial. I beg of you.
Reno- Well…I guess that I'll just keep my mouth shut.
Rufus- I can't believe that, with all of the beautiful, normal women lined up outside my door, ready to just jump my bones, I went and picked you.
Reno- But you looove me. You want to heeeelllp me.
Rufus- [Starts to walk off, waving a dismissive hand toward Reno.]
Reno- Hey, come back! Don't leave me hanging here!
Rufus- No. You embarrass me.
Reno- You take some kind of sick pride in torturing me, don't you?
Rufus- Of course. It makes living worthwhile. [walks to Reno and unhooks him from the light fixture. Reno lands on top of him.]
Reno- How ya' doin', Sexy?
Rufus- …Crushed.
Reno- Oh…sorry. [stands]
Rufus- [Standing and dusting himself off.] While I would normally feel very kinky about pulling you back onto that floor…
Reno- Ooh! Let's go!
Rufus- …you look very goofy in that bra [Reno begins to pull it off]…and we still have a lot to do before tonight.
Reno- [dejectedly, letting the bra snap back into place] Aww……ow, that hurt…[rubs back]
Rufus- Turn around.
Reno- Okay. [turns]
Rufus- [Finishes hooking the bra. Grabs the rest of the stuffing and hands it to Reno.] There. That was much easier than getting caught on the lights.
Reno- Thanks, but how d'you know how to do that?
Rufus- Um…well…don't ask me those kinds of questions!
Reno- And I'm the embarrassing one?
Rufus- …Yes.
Reno- Well, I'm going to go finish changing now.
Rufus- Are you sure that you don't need any more help?
Reno- Yes. I'm positive.
Rufus- Okay then. I'm going to go get a drink. Yes, some of my strongest Vodka should do the trick, don't you think? Now where'd I put that giant mug of mine?
Reno- [Sticks out his tongue at Rufus]
[After a few uneventful moments]
Reno- [Pops out of the bathroom and flourishes] Ta-Daa!
Rufus- [Who does, indeed, have a very large mug of his strongest vodka on his desk] You look like an idiot.
Reno- [dryly] Thanks. And whose bright idea was this? Not mine!
Rufus- Hey, sorry about that, but we were kind of out of options. So, how are we going to do your hair and makeup?
Reno- You can't be serious.
Rufus- Of course I am.
Reno- Can't I just go like this?
Rufus- Yeah, go ahead…
Reno- Okay then, I will.
Rufus- …If you want to be recognized by the whole company, including the other Turks, while wearing a skirt.
Reno- [gulps]
Rufus- I thought so.
Reno- Well, get it over with already!
Rufus- Me?
Reno- Don't you know how?
Rufus- Of course I don't!!!
Reno- Oh, I thought that you would.
Rufus- And why, exactly, would you think that?
Reno- Well, with the bra thing and all, I figured that you were a closet cross-dresser or something…
Rufus- You thought that I was a WHAT?!?!
Reno- A…closet…cross……dresser…?
Rufus- I am NOT a closet cross-dresser!!!
Reno- Well so-rry. If it makes you feel any better, I wouldn't love you any less if you were.
Rufus- I just can't get over the fact that you thought that I was one in the first place!
Reno- Then why do you know how to work a bra?
Rufus- [sighing] I guess I have some explaining to do.
Reno- [mockingly] Yup, because even if you don't tell me now, I'll just find ways of bugging you until you do.
Rufus- Point taken. I'm sure that you remember my father.
[both shiver]
Reno- Yes. We must thank Sephiroth for turning him into a shish kabob, even if Sephy is a raging maniac.
Rufus- And you know how much of a wannabe womanizer he was.
[Both shiver again]
Reno- He gave playboys everywhere a bad name.
Rufus- He wanted me to follow in his footsteps, so he tied me to a chair and gave me lessons on ways to win a woman's heart…well…more like ways to get women into bed with me. Bras were a part of this, particularly how to undo them.
Reno- [laughs] Look at Daddy's boy now!
Rufus- [cynically] Yeah, he'd be so very proud…now look, you've made me bring back those bad memories.
[both shiver again-again]
Reno- Sorry. I'll never mention it again.
Rufus- Thanks.
Reno- So, uh, how are we going to get that makeup crap to look right?
Rufus- Well, we can always just try it. It can't be that difficult…right?
Reno- I don't know about that. Shouldn't we get a girl to do it?
Rufus- Who? Plus, like I said, it can't be that hard.
Reno- I dunno. Scarlet never seems to get hers right, and she does it every day.
Rufus- Scarlet is a slut. She doesn't count.
Reno- True.
Rufus- Now, let's see. [starts to dig in the makeup case] What the…?
Reno- What? I wanna see!
Rufus- [keeps digging in the case, completely ignoring Reno, a puzzled and panicked look on his face.] Oh…uh…GREAT, HOLY LIFESTREAM, WHAT IS THAT?!?!
Reno- What is what?
Rufus- See for yourself. [Holds up the makeup case, which contains (now scattered everywhere) over 10 different shades of blush, more than 50 different eye shadow colours, enough mascaras to make a rainbow look monotone, and a crapload of lipsticks]
Reno- [pales visibly] How about we just…skip to hair?
Rufus- [discarding the case] Hair I can do. [flicks his own bangs]
Reno- Okay.
Rufus- [Starts messing with Reno's hair. After a few minutes, he stops abruptly.] Reno, do you own a brush?
Reno- I dunno. Why?
Rufus- If you have one, use it, and if you don't, get one.
Reno- Why?
Rufus- Because your hair has already eaten my brush and is now attempting to devour my hand.
Reno- Don't be silly. It's not that bad.
Rufus- My hand will not come out of your hair.
Reno- [shrugs] Then you're not pulling hard enough.
Rufus- [struggling to free his captive appendage] If I pull any harder, one of us is going to lose a body part: either my hand or your head.
Reno- Jeez, it's not that bad! [Grabs Rufus' hand and tries to pull it out of the matted knot of red…completely unsuccessfully.]
Rufus- I TOLD YOU! Now we're going to have to go to the stupid party looking like some sort of mutant Siamese twins.
Reno- Wait! I have an idea! You grab that. [points to one of the office's large support beams.]
Rufus- [does so, albeit a bit unsurely] ..Alright…
Reno- Hold on tight.
Rufus- [imagining what is coming and looking away, prepared for his arm to be ripped from its socket.] Okay.
Reno- [Runs full-force away from Rufus, freeing the blonde, but losing a chunk of hair in the process] Ow…that really hurt.
Rufus- [picking bits of Reno Hair from his fingers] Buy a brush.
Reno- Alright already!
[After a very long time of both of the guys attempting to do something…anything…with Reno's hair, Reno gave up, took off his trademark sunglasses with difficulty (causing a large portion of his hair to flop into his face) and allowed Rufus to tie a big, blue bow onto his ponytail.]
Rufus- Well, I guess that problem is as settled as we're going to get it. But, we still need to figure out our makeup dilemma.
Reno- Why don't you just do it? I don't think that you can make me look any worse than I already do. I mean, a bow? Who in their right mind wears a big bow in their hair?
Rufus- Hey, I never accused you of being in your right mind, but you're wearing the bow whether you like it or not. Now, what are we going to do about the makeup, hm?
Reno- I told you already, you do it!
Rufus- I'll screw it up and you know it. Why don't we go to that blonde chick and have her do your makeup.
Reno- Blonde chick?
Rufus- Ellen, I think her name was. You know, your newest co-worker.
Reno- You mean Elena?
Rufus- Yeah, her. Hey, you can't say that I didn't try. I was close.
Reno- I am NOT going to Elena for tips and help with cross-dressing. She'd use it as blackmail information.
Rufus- What did you do to her?
Reno- Me? Nothing! You know that I'm a perfect little angel. [Reno gives a look so utterly insincere that it is easy to imagine horns sprouting from his head]
Rufus- [looks at Reno skeptically] Well, maybe she won't realize it's you.
Reno- Yeah, right.
Rufus- We have to take the chance. [buzzes Elena]
[About five minutes later]
Elena- [Shaking] Y-y-yes…s-sir? Is something…w-wrong?
Rufus- No, no. Sit down. [He motions to a chair.]
Elena- [sits]
Rufus- How good are you with the application of makeup?
Elena- [Stares at him blankly, still shaking]
Rufus- Listen, I need someone to do makeup for my girlfriend for the party. She doesn't dress up very often, and I have no experience with the stuff whatsoever.
Elena- Is that it? I'm not getting fired?
Rufus- No. Where'd you get that idea?
Elena- Reno told me that if I got called up to the president's office that it was because I was being fired.
Rufus- Oh he did, did he? [loud enough for Reno, who sits crouched in a corner, to hear] I am definitely going to have to punish Reno for spreading tall tales.
Elena- Is that her over there?
Reno- [squeaks]
Rufus- Huh?
Elena- Your girlfriend.
Rufus- Oh, yes. [Calling to Reno] Oh…[realizes that he hasn't given his "girlfriend" a name yet]……
Elena-What's wrong sir?
Rufus- Nothing. [calling again] Oh…Rena?
Reno- [eyes bug out and he mouths "Rena?" at Rufus. Calling back in an unnaturally squeaky voice] Yes Rufus, Hon?
Rufus- [Looks nervously at Elena, only to find that she hasn't even flinched] I'd like you to meet Elena, who has kindly agreed to help with your makeup.
Elena- [Stands and shakes hands enthusiastically with "Rena"] Wow! It's so nice to meet you, Rena! Wow, what a pretty name! …Hey, do I know you?
Rena- [still in squeaky "girl voice"] N-no…I don't think so. [gives Rufus a look that clearly says "What the…She doesn't know it's me?"]
Rufus- [Shrugs at Reno halfheartedly]
Elena- Dragging Rena to the office door, clearly heading for her own room] Oh, We're going to have so much fun! We get to get ready for the party together! Isn't that great?
Rena- [staring pleadingly at Rufus, the panic clearly visible in his eyes.] Uh huh…
Elena- [to Rufus] She'll be back in no time, okay? You just relax until then! [she runs out of the room, dragging Rena along for the ride.]
Rufus- [Stares at the empty doorway for a long while before slumping into his desk chair and downing the rest of his mug of vodka.]