A Happy Tale of STUFF…and Runo

Chapter 3: "The Time Has Come", The Walrus Said, "To PAAAAH-TAY!"

By: Miyamashi

[Later that night, at the party…]

Rufus- You can be the walrus, alright?

Rena- Eh?!

Rufus- The title. You can be the walrus. I just don't see myself saying that.

Rena- [looks up at title] Oh. Yeah, whatever.

Elena- [runs up to the two and talks at about a thousand words a second] Hi, you two lovebirds! Isn't this a great party?

Rufus- We just got here.

Elena- I know, but isn't it wonderful?

Rufus- Yeah, sure. Whatever you say. I'm going to go…mingle. Rena should do the same. This party is for her, after all.

Elena- Ooh! Can I go and introduce her to everybody?

Rufus- Yeah. Have fun! [grins evilly at Rena]

Rena- [glares at Rufus before being yanked away by the arm]

Elena- Okay, this is Rude! He's one of the Turks. He has a partner named Reno…but I don't see Reno anywhere. [looks around] That's odd…he never misses a party…

Rude- I think that Reno's sick today. [Lowers his sunglasses and looks at Rena, head cocked to one side. Shrugs and extends his hand for Rena to shake.]

Rena- [shaking Rude's hand] Uh, hi. I'm Rena, Rufus' girlfriend.

Rude- [to Elena] May I talk with Rena for a minute?

Elena- Yeah…sure… [walks off dejectedly]

Rena- So, uh, what do you think of this party? Isn't it fabulous?

Rude- Reno, you can drop the act now.

Reno- [face-faults and stares at Rude.]

Rude- So, who had the creativity to come up with THAT name?

Reno- ………

Rude- You make a really ugly woman, you know that?

Reno- ………

Rude- Surprised that I recognized you?

Reno- [normal voice] …Not really…surprised. More like horrified.

Rude- What in the world possessed you to dress as a woman?

Reno- His name is Rufus.

Rude- Why you?

Reno- …You don't know?

Rude- About…?

Reno- Were you one of the ones who found out about Rufus and his…girlfriend?

Rude- No. I just heard about her.

Reno- Did you hear anything about her?

Rude- Nothing except that she's a…flaming…red………….head…………………………Oh.

Reno- Do you get it now?

Rude- …Since when?

Reno- Huh?

Rude- You and Rufus.

Reno- Oh, that. Seems like forever now.

Rude- Never expected that from you.

Reno- Eh, me either.

Rude- How'd it happen?

Reno- [racks his brain] I…dunno. I think that it just kind of… [shrugs resignedly] …did.

Rude- [just stares at Reno]

Reno- What? I'm telling the truth. One minute we were standing there, and the next…BAM! We weren't standing anymore.

Rude- It's not that. I just still can't get over what an ugly woman you are.

Reno- I am NOT!

Rude- You're absolutely bum-fugly in that get-up, Reno.

Reno- Blame Elena. She did the makeup.

Rude- She doesn't know it's you, does she?

Reno- She has no idea.

Rude- …How?

Reno- I have no idea.

Rude- With that name and everything?

Reno- Really, I have no idea. That was all Rufus, by the way.

Rude- You know, I never expected that from him, either.

Reno- [shrugs] I think that he was as surprised as me.

Rude- I guess that it could be worse. You could have gone and fallen in love with Heidegger…

Reno- UGH! How could you even THINK that?!?

Rude- ……or Palmer.

Reno- [doubles over and starts retching] Bad…mental…image…

Rude- [laughs]

Reno- [still retching] Not…funny.

Rufus- [walking up to the two] Um, Rena…are you alright?

Reno- [runs to the nearest trash can and pukes]

Rude- He's freaking out about what I told him.

Rufus- …You can talk? I always thought that you were a mute. Hm. ….Wait a sec. How do you know he's a he?

Rude- It's pretty obvious. Reno's an ugly woman.

Rufus- [looks at "Rena"] …Yeah, he is…

Rude- I always figured you to have more…refined taste.

Rufus- …So he told you, huh?

Rude- Yes.

Rufus- And what did you tell him to make him start hocking it?

Rude- I told him that he at least had good taste in guys.

Rufus- [fuming] And he started puking?

Rude- Not until I mentioned that he could have picked Heidegger or Palmer.

Rufus- [turning green] …oh.

Rude- Hey, you could have gone and picked Palmer, too. I'm sure he's available.

[Rufus suddenly joins Reno at the trash can. Rude laughs and walks off]

[A while later…]

Elena- Hey, you two. Are you okay?

[Rufus and "Rena" ignore her as they continue to lose their food from the past four and a half days]

Elena- Mr. President, everybody's waiting for you to go up and speak. See?

[Rufus turns his eyes up to the makeshift stage, where Reeve is standing in front of the microphone, tapping his toe and staring at his watch. As he and Reno stop their retching, crickets chirp]

Reeve- Well, I'm sorry for the delay, but it seems as if our guests of the night are finally finished….

Everybody- YAY!

Rufus- [picks up a napkin and wipes his mouth] Alright, alright. Come on, Rena.

Rena- [follows Rufus' example with the napkin, then follows bouncily, speaking in his girly squeak] Coming, dear.

[Everyone claps as Rufus and Rena go on stage and Reeve hands over the mic]

Rufus- [clears his throat.] Hello, everybody. It really warms my heart that all of you have such… [bitterly] …interest…in my love life. It makes me feel sincerely close to my employees. But, really, the one that you want to hear from isn't me, so here's my girlfriend, whom you've all been so…wonderfully…adamant about wanting to meet. [hands mic to Rena]

Rena- [nervously, hoping that Rude is the only one who recognizes him] Well, hello…everyone. I'm Rena. [waves sheepishly]

[Elena waves back. Rude snorts, but only Rena and Rufus seem to notice. Rena pauses, unable to think of anything to say.]

Reeve- [Taking microphone] Well, isn't that great?

Audience, Minus Rude- Yay!

Reeve- Now what does our audience want to see now? [holds the mic out for the answer, much like a game show host might do]

Audience, Minus Rude- Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!…

[The chanting continues as Reeve turns to Rufus and Rena]

Reeve- Well, it seems that you have no choice, but to kiss or BE SLIMED!

Rufus- …What?

Reeve- Oh, just kiss already.

[A timer starts on stage]

Reeve- Hurry, or you'll run out of time and lose the fabulous prize!

Rena- …Prize?

Reeve- Hurry! Time is running out!

[The two shrug and lean in toward each other before suddenly recoiling]

Rufus- Your breath stinks.

Rena- Yours, too. Must be from all of the puking.

[Rufus pulls out breath spray and squirts it in his, then Rena's mouth. The two kiss just before the clock runs out and the audience responds with a loud cheer.]

Reeve- You did it! You won our fabulous prize! It's a trip for two to sunny Costa Del Sol!

[Colored lights flash as Scarlet comes out in a sequined dress, holding out her hands like Vanna White as curtains open to reveal a big picture of Costa Del Sol. Rufus and Rena stand, positively confused, as the audience cheers wildly]

Voice- …Reno. Reno, wake up, damnit!

[Reno feels a stinging slap against his face as he comes to, his vision blurry]

Reno- [in girl voice] Rufus, is that you? When are we going to Costa Del Sol?

Voice- Reno, what the hell are you talking about, and what's with the voice?

Reno- [his vision slowly returning, he sees Rude and Elena crouched over him] Where am I?

Rude- You're in the 63rd floor bar. You lost the drinking contest. The President kicked your ass.

Rufus- [Walking up to Reno and peering down at him] You passed out. It's probably because you're not used to vodka. I believe you usually drink scotch, right?

Reno- No party? No sunny Costa Del Sol?

Elena- No, you dork!

Rude- Unless you'd count this as a party, no, and definitely no Costa Del Sol.

Elena- Well, I guess you could call it a party, seeing as we got the President to come.

Rufus- So, I was in your dream, huh? Anything exciting? [grins down smugly at Reno]

Reno- Yeah, you were there, and [pointing to Rude] you were there, and [pointing to Elena] you!

Elena- Me too?

Reno- Yeah…and we were at this party that suddenly turned into a game show, and Rufus and I won a trip for two to Costa Del Sol.

Rufus- ….Alrighty then…that's…interesting.

Rude- Why the squeaky voice?

Reno- ………THAT, I'm not telling you.

Elena- It was probably just some of the events from tonight going into your dream from your subconscious mind.

Reno- ………?

Rufus- Look in the mirror.

Reno- [sits slowly and looks in a compact that Elena holds up for him, only to see himself covered in makeup and wearing a large, blue bow in his hair.] EEE!

Rufus- You're very strange when you're drunk.

Elena- You're buying me new makeup. I'm not paying for all of the stuff that you used up.

[Reno faints]

Rude- He really makes an ugly woman, doesn't he?

Rufus- [nods solemnly, fanning Reno]

Reno- [on a beach chair in Costa Del Sol] Ah, the sun feels great, doesn't it, Rufus?

Palmer- Won't you ever get over him? You two stopped going out last month. Heidegger, pass the lard.

Heidegger- Okay. Gyahahaha!

Reno- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

END

Miyamashi: So, what did you think? I know that it was stupid (especially the last chapter), but wasn't that the BEST PART ABOUT IT? Constructive criticism is welcome. Eventually, I'm planning on submitting a "Special Features" section, containing deleted/expanded scenes, a gag reel, and interviews with the stars. If, for some reason, you REALLY liked this fic, head to for a couple of doofy pictures related to it. One is of Rena and is in my normal gallery, while the other is a Paint pic of Rena and Rufus that's just as silly, if not sillier than the actual drawing. (Ah, the joys of shameless self-promotion!)

And while I'm at it, (making myself sound desperate, that is) REVIEW, MY PRETTIES, REVIIIIIEEEEEWWWW!!!!!