Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books, JK Rowling does. I tried to buy it off of her but she just laughed at me and threw my three dollars into my face. I do love the books though, so I guess they're as much mine as they are everyone else's. The following is just a spoof of the 5th book, The Order of the Phoenix, which I enjoyed reading very much. Please don't get offended, I just had a little fun. You will also notice that all the characters are a little exaggerated or very different from the actual book. Have fun!
CHAPTER 1: LORD DUDLEYMORT
Harry: I am bored. I wonder what's happening in the wizarding world. -Clicks remote- What the hell! This thing isn't working.
Window: I'm a window, dumbass.
Harry: I KNOW that.
Window: And that's not a remote you're holding.
Harry: -realizes he is holding a shoe- Oh...
Uncle Vernon: What's all that racket out there? Petunia, I think I hear the window talking!
Petunia: I think that's just the talking window on TV, dear.
Harry: Come on, news program! Come on, tell me if anything weird is going on!
Window: Well there's a talking window on the TV. That's pretty weird.
Harry: There's a talking window in front of me too.
Cat: RAARWRWOROOWRRRR!!
Harry: AAHHH!! FURRY, RUNNING CHICKEN-LEG!!!
Cat: I'm a cat.
Uncle Vernon: WHAT WAS THAT!??!?! -runs outside, sees Harry screaming something about a chicken leg- The boy's gone off the deep end.
Harry: AGGGHHH WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY END?
Vernon: I was just saying you're going bonkers. A little crazy. This might be serious.
Harry: NOOO NOT SIRIUS!!!
Petunia: -walks outside with a flower in a flowerpot- Look at my new Lily! I named it James!
Harry: -freaks out- AGHHHHHH I'VE HAD IT WITH YOUR DISSING MY PARENTS ALL THE TIME. I'M OUT OF HERE! -He runs into the house-
Petunia: That boy is so whack, yo.
Vernon: Yeah, seriously, I don't know anybody weirder than him. Come on Petunia, let's go scrub the folds of my stomach.
Petunia: Really? YAY! -skips inside-
---
Harry: -walks around outside carrying a bunch of bags that say "Victoria's Secret"- I can't believe I lost my Hogwarts trunk. At least Aunt Petunia had a bunch of these spare bags here...who's this Victoria character anyway?
Hedwig: AHH! It smells like owl poop in here!! -Hedwig flaps from inside a Victoria's Secret bag- Oh wait....
Harry: I am so lonely. -sits down on a swing, sings to himself- Hey!! Someone let a pig loose!! -runs toward it, tries to grab the pig, which seems to be resisting and running away- Hey! Someone greased this little pig! Well we'll have a little fun trying to catch it then, won't we?
Pig: I'm Dudley. Your cousin. You twit!!!! -slaps Harry-
Harry: Oh you naughty little pig. -pokes Dursley's stomach- what a fine sow you shall one day become, too!!
Dudley: I swear, when I tell my dad, my mom, and my mom's new lily named James, you'll be a dead man! I can beat you up even though you managed to escape death nearly 4 times and overcame the evil Voldemort in the past 4 years!! I'm stronger than Voldemort! I AM---LORD DUDLEYMORT!! WORSHIP ME.
Harry: You are such a cute pig, I'll call you Billy.
Dudley: Alright, that's it you little----suddenly gets cold and freaky- Oh. My. Dudleymort. Something weird is happening to me!! I think I'm being raped by the wind!!
Harry: -gasp- Dementors!
Dementors: yeah, that's us.
Harry: -pulls out wand, points at Dementors-
Dudley: -laughs because Harry is about to cast a spell at what Dudley thinks is just a strong, angry, evil, life-sucking gust of wind-
Harry: Patro----damn, what's that spell again?
Dudley: Make it shoot out candy rainbows! -Dudley still manages to think about food while he is dying-
Harry: Patronisa Bono! Patronus Backstreet Boy! Patronix Arigato! Patro Benatar! Patro--
Dementors: IT'S EXPECTO PATRONUM, YOU FOOLISH CHILD!!
Harry: Oh, thanks! PATRONUM EXPECTO!!! -because Harry said the spell backwards, a smaller creature comes out--it's a cockroach!-
Cockroach: Hiiieee-yaah! -nibbles at the dementors' robes-
Dementors: Is this going to take long, because we have better things to do.
Cockroach: fear my wrath!!!
Harry: Let's try this again...EXPECTO PATRONUM!!
Stag: -gallops out (or whatever stags do)- Hello!! -accidently steps on the cockroach-
Cockroach: Tell Amelia to avenge my death.....-dies-
Stag: Yeah, okay. Come on dementors, it's time to go.
Dementors: Will you buy us icecream??
Stag: Yeah, sure.
Dementors: Promise???
Dudley: -is hurt- Harry, I bleedy! I bleedy!
Harry: Oh no! Poor Billy is hurt!!
Mrs. Figg: OH NO! Where's that stupid Mundungus?!
Harry: -quickly hides his wand- uhhh hello Mrs. Figg. What a lovely night for a little stroll and a little destroying dementors---uh I mean...
Figg: Harry, I know who you are. But where's bloody Mundungus? He was supposed to be watching you.
Harry: I don't know but I found this cute little piggy! -holds up the bleeding and bruised Dudley-
Figg: WAGH get that thing out of my face! -punches Dudley's face-
Harry: -gasp- You say sorry to my pig, Billy! -presents Dudley once more-
Figg: WAGH! -punches Dudley's face-
Harry: -shakes Dudley at Figg-
Figg: WAGH! -punches Dudley's face-
This continued for quite some time, until Harry decided it was time to take the little piggy home.
Harry: Here Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia. I found this poor little piggy.
Petunia: OH NO! MY DUDLEY!!
Harry: Actually his name is Billy.
Vernon: WHAT DID YOU DO TO DUDLEY, HARRY?
Harry: What? I didn't even see Dudley today.
Vernon: You're lying! You DID see Dudley!! He's right here!
Harry: No, I didn't. I'm not lying.
Vernon: -shakes Dudley at Harry-
Figg: WAGH! -punches Dudley-
Vernon: Who is this lady?
Harry: Mrs. Figg. Neighbor. She was blubbering about somebody named Mundane Gus.
Hedwig: -flies in- Hey Harry, I got something for you. -throws a letter at Harry-
"Dear Harry, you are being tried for misuse use of magic outside Hogwarts. Boo! I hope that scared you. You might even be expelled! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Love,
the Ministry of Magic
XOXO"
Harry: Oh No!
Hedwig: Oh wait, one more thing! -throws a letter at Harry-
"Dear Harry, don't leave your home!! I'm Serious. - Sirius."
Hedwig: Just one more! -throws a letter at Petunia, it lands in her eye-
Petunia: AHHH THAT'S MY SCRUBBING EYE!!!!
Hedwig: -sighs- Alright. It reads "don't let Harry leave."
Petunia: -suddenly gets serious- alright. It shall be my duty from now on.
Harry: Wait--where are those letters coming from?!
Hedwig: An owl never reveals its secrets. Hey Petunia, got any baby powder? My ass itches from shooting out all your letters.
Dudley: -screams and spits out the letter that he had been trying to eat-
Harry: I want to leave....but I don't want to leave my little piggy alone...
Dudley: I AM--LORD DUDLEYMORT. FEAR ME!! ALL WILL TREMBLE IN MY PRESENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry: Aw, it's so cute.
Figg: -punches Dudley-
What will happen next to our courageous hero, Harry Potter? Will he ever learn that there is no pig named Billy? Will Mrs. Figg ever stop punching Dudley? Who is that Mundane Gus guy anyway? Why is Petunia listening to the instructions of a letter that came out of an owl's ass? Why am I asking so many questions? Why can't I stop?!