Disclaimer: Ain't mine. Chiho Saito, J.K.Rowling.
A/N: So…this is almost twice as long as my normal chapter length, which I hope sort of excuses its lateness. ;) I've been really busy this week with a temporary job and visitors at home, both of which have totally sapped my energy. Hopefully updates will come more frequently after this…the story is almost over, I think. (I might be able to finish in another chapter or two...and then, oh dear, have to finish Cupid's Night.)
This chapter seemed to veer pretty far over the corniness/melodrama/sappiness line, especially at the end, so the chapter title seemed to fit. Um, yes…too tired to edit tonight, will simply post and wait for comments. Laaater!
Chapter 8 – Love
"I've always—loved you," she whispered.
Her skin was so warm and her fingers were light on his back. He could feel her heartbeat against his chest. Her hair fell around them in soft waves, and as he pulled her closer and closed his eyes, she snuggled into his shoulder.
"Always," she said, pulling back slightly to look him full in the face.
He met her gaze and started, losing himself in Lily's beautiful green eyes. Lily??
He leaned in to kiss her, and—
THUMP.
James woke up flat on his back on the floor next to the sofa, his blankets tangled about his legs. He sat up quickly and looked over at the bed. It was empty.
It was all a dream?!
He closed his eyes and leaned against the sofa. I can't believe that was a dream…it felt so real. Her warmth, the softness of her skin, the scent of her hair…holding her so close…
While James was lost in his little fantasy, Lily came back from having a shower. She was wrapped in a voluminous white bathrobe, with a towel wound around her hair.
"James, you can use the bathroom now," she said without looking at him, as she walked past the sofa.
He caught the edge of her robe as she passed and pulled her into his lap, burying his face in her neck. "Lily…"
Her face flushed deeply…and then she felt…was that…??
Smack.
"What's wrong with you? Were you having a kinky dream?!" shrieked Lily, as she walked off, leaving James to nurse the red handprint across his cheek.
"You know, James," she called over her shoulder, as though in an afterthought, "I think you're suffering from withdrawal."
Withdrawal? Withdrawal?!?!?!? James flushed darkly and rubbed his face.
So. Even though they had been married for a few weeks already, and even though they had gone through various things together—not least of which was that incident with Travers, Rosier, and Wilkes at The Aethonon, after which they had shared some significant moments and (in James' opinion at least) a mind-blowing kiss—there was still some sort of barrier between them…some sort of tension, mostly on Lily's side of things.
Later, as James watched her from across the breakfast table, his chin propped in his hand, he freely admitted to himself that he was in love with her. There seemed to be, in his mind, a whole collection of moments, memories, and images dedicated solely to Lily, to things that he loved about her...the way she tilted her head when she laughed…the way she would lean over her parchment with that one curl of hair falling over her forehead…the way her eyes flashed when she lost her temper, when she was righteously indignant about some injustice…that sweet, funny little smile that was only teased onto her face when she was particularly touched…
It's too late--I'm hopeless, he thought. I'm completely in love with her…can't imagine being with anyone else.
"James, you ought to get going…" Lily's voice trailed off as she noticed what he was doing.
"Your tea! Your tea!" she cried, pointing.
"Huh?" asked James, still staring at her, his eyes half-glazed over.
He had been pouring tea into his cup when he'd started watching her a minute…or so…ago. And it was still pouring. The cup had overflowed and the tea was spreading in a pool on the table and trickling down to the floor in a steady stream.
"AGH!" shouted James, as he noticed that his trousers were completely sodden.
Terrence, who was breakfasting with them that day, chortled. "Haha! He was so entranced with watching you that he forgot about his tea!"
"Sorry, I'm going now…" mumbled James incoherently, as he cleaned things up with a few quick spells and took off running.
"He's completely besotted with you," Terrence said, immensely pleased, as Lily watched James go with an extra redness to her cheeks and a confused expression in her eyes.
"Nonsense," she said, and left the table.
"James!"
James turned from his desk, where he'd just collected his files and taken his wand out in preparation for apparating to Defense headquarters.
Lily came fully into the room. She looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Um…well,…I just wanted to say…Have a good day at work."
James nodded at her, an eyebrow raised.
"And…" she kept her eyes glued to her feet. "I think you should really see other women, James. I don't want you to feel constrained by this fake marriage…I want you to feel completely free. After all, that's what we'd agreed initially…in the contract…"
If she'd been looking up, she might have noticed the stiffening of James' features. As it was, she heard his harsh tone of voice when he replied, and started guiltily.
"The contract, eh…" was all he said, before he apparated away with a loud crack.
"James…?" Lily stared at the space he'd just occupied, frowning. She was about to move toward it when instead, she covered her mouth with her hand and rushed from the room.
"The French Ministry of Magic is sending an ambassador to negotiate with ours for French Auror support. The British Ministry is requesting that Defense set up an extra measure of protection for her. Potter, will you be available to escort the ambassador from their designated safe apparition point?"
"Eh?" James looked up from his immense piles of paperwork and blinked rapidly at the figure standing in front of his desk.
"Can you escort the French ambassador from the safe apparition point?" Morgan leaned against the wall and smiled at James. "Sorry, I know you're busy."
"Oh, sure, sure…" James nodded distractedly and returned to his work.
"Good. She'll arrive in two hours at the Golden Phoenix."
"All right." James waved Morgan away.
An hour and fifty-five minutes later, James stood in front of the Golden Phoenix, glancing from time to time at his watch. He was wishing he hadn't left the office early to come to meet this French wizard. He could have finished his paperwork in the time he'd been waiting thus far, and after he left the ambassador safely guarded in one of the Phoenix's best suites, he could have gone home to Lily…
Fully occupied with thoughts of home and wife, James didn't notice the distinct popping sound of apparition, or the cry of surprise from the witch who had just appeared. It wasn't until a figure came flying at him and threw her arms around his neck that he jumped in surprise.
"James!" cried the witch, laughing. "Who would've known it would be you meeting me here!"
James was too shocked to move or even think properly for a good ten seconds. During that time, the woman remained wrapped around him, her arms clamped round his neck. Finally, James was able to summon up the presence of mind to unclasp her hands from around him, and to step back to get a good look at his assailant.
"Cèline!?!" he gasped.
The petite brunette laughed and grasped James' hands in her own, practically jumping in delight. "It's wonderful to see you again, too."
"Y-You're the French ambassador?!" James stuttered.
"Right in one," Cèline smiled charmingly, tilting her head to one side. "Astute as always, Jamie."
James grinned sheepishly. "What can I say? I'm tired and overworked."
"Overworked?" scoffed Cèline, shaking her head. "Yes, maybe, in the bedroom! I read the account of your wedding in the papers, Jamie. She's already been pregnant for how long?!"
James pointedly ignored her. "Let me show you to your room. I've got your key right here."
"You work fast." Cèline smirked as she followed him up the stairs.
They reached her room soon enough and stood, suddenly awkward, in front of the door.
"Well…" James started, then stopped.
"James," Cèline said seriously. "I was very disappointed in you when I heard about your engagement. Even more disappointed when I heard about her being pregnant for so long." She pulled a lock of hair that had escaped from her updo back behind her ear absently. "I can count, James. It didn't take much mental arithmetic to find that she'd been pregnant since late last year…when you were in France. As I recall, you spent a great deal of time during that trip with me." Cèline was intent on staring at a point directly beyond James' shoulder and didn't notice the sudden paleness of his face.
"I know we were neither of us very serious about having a relationship," she finally continued. "But I didn't think it was in you to be with two women at once, secretly." She shook a finger at him and finally looked him in the face, a playful smile on her lips. "I'm going to bear a grudge for this, Jamie. You'd better make it up to me."
James finally realized that Cèline wasn't being serious, and smiled back at her in relief. Of course, they had never been serious—and he hated having to lie to her about having "cheated" with Lily during that sojourn in France. All the same, it was good to know that she was taking it so well.
Cèline snatched her key from James' hand and opened her door. As she entered the room, she turned back and grinned. "Let's have a drink together, tonight. For old times' sake."
Tonight…well. He'd looked forward to spending the evening at home, talking to Lily. But then, Lily didn't care whether he was there or not…she'd as much as told him just that morning that she wanted him to see other women…
What harm could it do?
"Mrs. Potter!"
Lily was on her way home from the office after half a day's work, exhausted, when she heard someone calling her. She tried to ignore it, but the voice grew insistently louder and she could feel the curious gaze of passersby trained upon her.
She turned suddenly, and the young man almost crashed headlong into her. He skidded to a halt in front of her and bent over to catch his breath.
"Yes?" she asked impatiently, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I'm Ted Parker, photographer for The Quibbler," he managed to get out, between gasps.
She merely lifted her chin in response.
He grinned unabashedly and simply handed her a packet of photographs from his pocket.
She took them with a reluctant hand and gave him a suspicious look as she held them to the light. Then she gasped.
They were pictures of James—recent pictures—and he was locked in the embrace of a beautiful brunette. As it was a wizarding photo, the girl leapt into James' arms repeatedly, clinging to him in an intimate embrace. As Ted Parker explained his being a great fan of Mr. Potter's, of his admiring Lily and James as a couple, of his distaste for contributing to horrible gossip, which was why he'd brought her the pictures someone had taken for one of this week's articles…Lily heard not one word.
So he'd taken her to heart when she'd told him to see other women that morning! Of course, that was a good thing…wasn't it?...she wanted him to find someone else! He obviously wasn't interested in her, at least not beyond physical attraction, and…well, when her baby was born, and they were divorced, he could move on with his life with very little trouble. This was for the best, really.
All the same, Lily felt a curious ache in her chest as Ted finally left her in the street, the pictures tucked into her coat pocket.
"Master James! Master James!!"
The house-elf's panicked squeaks finally roused James from his Daily Prophet, and he looked up in alarm.
"What's wrong?!"
The house-elf was jumping maniacally around the room, pulling at her ears.
"Miss Lily! It's Miss Lily, in the bath, not in the bath—"
James was off and running before she'd even finished saying 'Lily.'
He threw open the door to the bathroom and banished the steam away so quickly he was thrown back by the sudden rush of cool air. "Lily? Lily!!"
Lily was lying on the floor on a heap of towels, her wet hair draping limply across the edge of the tub.
James flushed slightly at the sight of the naked woman in front of him, but lost no time in idle staring. Without thinking to reach for his wand, he picked her up gently and took her to the bedroom, tucking her into the bed and sending the house-elf for a Medi-wizard or witch. Lily's eyelids were fluttering slowly and her face was flushed.
He settled into a chair by the bed, holding her pale hand in both of his.
The Medi-wizard appeared a couple minutes later, and after a brief check-up, announced that Lily had simply risen from the bath too quickly and had fainted from the excessive steam and sudden rush of blood.
"She probably spent too long lying in that bathtub," the Medi-wizard explained patiently to a frantic Terrence, as they had a drink in the sitting room.
The first things Lily saw when she woke were James' concerned hazel eyes gazing at her. He was very close.
"Sleep a little longer," he said, brushing her hair from her face. "You need it…you're tired. You fainted on the bathroom floor."
Lily suddenly realized that she was naked beneath the sheets. She felt her entire face flame up and inadvertently shrieked. "Don't tell me you—I—not wearing any—!!!"
"It couldn't be helped!" cried James, turning away. His face, Lily noticed, was quite flushed as well. "The house-elf didn't know what to do and Terrence was on the other side of the house."
"AAAHH!" Lily burrowed beneath the blankets. Her voice came out muffled. "I can't believe you saw me…my belly…beginning to show…awful…of all the embarrassing…did you see everything?..."
James turned away and covered his face with one hand. His voice came out muffled, as well. "In dreams, I've seen…well…but…and I know you're pregnant, it's bound to show…but you ought to take better care of yourself…"
Lily wasn't listening to him…she'd just remembered the pictures in her coat pocket. She'd been thinking about James and that girl again, as she'd settled into the bath. She must have stayed in the water longer than she'd thought…well, it didn't matter what James did with other women anyway, it's not like he wanted her…and sex without the commitment of a relationship wasn't what she was looking for, now…
"You might as well sleep with her," she burst out, suddenly furious. "Merlin knows we'll never sleep together. And until we divorce…"
"UGH!" James yelled. "You just don't understand me, do you?! You don't understand anything! Well, fine, if that's what you want!! I'll go!" He turned away and started across the room, fury in his every movement.
"Where are you going?!" Lily yelled after him, with a sudden twinge of fear in her heart.
"I don't have to tell you where I go in my spare time," James answered, his voice now low and dangerous. "It's in the contract, remember?" He kicked a chair violently as he left the room.
James and Sirius arrived at the Golden Phoenix Lounge together, later that night. James had decided that even though Cèline seemed to be perfectly fine with their whole history, it would be extra insurance against awkward moments to bring Sirius along. Besides, he wasn't in much of a sociable mood at the moment. He'd rather nurse his drink in a corner and let Cèline and Sirius do all the talking.
Cèline beckoned to them from the bar. Her dark hair was bound back by a simple fillet of ribbon, and she wore a short, tight, and low-cut dress that made Sirius raise his eyebrows and whistle in appreciation.
Several drinks later, Sirius left for some pressing engagement with "a friend" (said with a smirk). Several shots had not made James forget the Lily situation, but it had loosened his tongue considerably, and he and Cèline were having as much of a heart-to-heart talk as two tipsy people are able to have.
"So," Cèline slurred, "what really made me angry about your doings in France last year…with Lily, I mean…" She took another large gulp from the bottle they were sharing. "It was the fact that…that…you never gave me th' chance…chance…to say…goodbyeeeee!"
James simply blinked at her, a large portion of his ale dribbling down his chin. She tried to reach forward to lick it off, but James was swaying in his seat and clumsily swiped her away with one hand. Undaunted, she finished her last drink and ran a hand up and down James' arm.
"I'm going up to my room now," she breathed, her eyelids sultry and heavy with drink. "You're welcome to join me…you know where it is."
She picked up her bag and started off across the lounge, veering slightly to one side. "Just to say goodbye," she slurred once more, before leaving the room.
James sat by himself and summoned up as much presence of mind as he could. He didn't want to sleep with Cèline. Love for Lily had effectively ruined his desire for any other woman…but…it was hopeless. He downed another glass. Lily didn't love him…she didn't need him…she might be physically attracted to him, but nothing more. She wanted him to find someone else…and…he closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. It didn't matter. Why not?
He left a few coins on the table and walked slowly toward the stairs.
"Lily. Lily??"
Lily looked up from her book and started as she saw Sirius' head floating in the flames. She went to kneel by the fireplace. "What's wrong, Sirius?"
"It's James."
She felt her heart stop and her face pale—but she struggled to keep a neutral expression. "Yes?" she managed. "What about him? What's happened??"
"I think you'd better go get him…he's at the Golden Phoenix having a drink with Cèline Rouchard, the ambassador to the French Ministry. I think they've both had a bit much."
"I think James can handle his own affairs," Lily said coldly. "There's no need to involve me in it."
"Look, Lily," Sirius said, his dark brows drawing together. "I don't know how you feel about James at this point—your marriage has just been one huge mystery to me. I also don't know how much James has told you about his past—particularly his past with Cèline." Lily looked surprised and Sirius snorted. "Yes, James and Cèline were lovers, on and off. Of course, neither of them was serious…but I know that at the time of his trip to France last autumn, he was planning to see her in Paris. I also know that he never officially broke the relationship off with her…such as it was. I suppose it wasn't important to either of them…but Cèline wasn't quite as forthcoming about owning up to her feelings of apathy about your relationship as she would normally have been. She's not a saint, herself, but it was a tough pill to swallow—they've known each other for quite some time."
He looked up at Lily earnestly. "James was in a horrible mood tonight. I don't know what happened between the two of you today but James is my best friend, and has been my best friend since we were eleven. I can tell when he's suffering, and I know he cares for you a great deal. I don't like to see him this way, Lily."
Sirius sighed and tossed his head in frustration. "I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, here…just that…I'd hate to think that something that happened between the two of you today would make James angry enough, or hurt enough, to get so sloshed that he'd do something he would regret when sober."
Lily still didn't look convinced, though she definitely looked uncomfortable. She bit her lip. "But—"
"Let's forget everything I've said already and just leave it at this, shall we—James is in absolutely NO condition to apparate right now, which is undoubtedly what he's going to try to do. He'll splinch himself. Defense needs him too much for the delay it would cause. Go get him."
With that, Sirius' head disappeared from the fireplace and Lily was left kneeling before the fire, deep in thought.
"I'm glad you came," Cèline sighed, as she made short work of James' shirt. Cèline had insisted that both of them take a bit of sobering draught—not enough to completely sober them up, but just enough to prevent them from being sick all over each other, or missing the bed and ending up on the floor.
"Tonight I'll help you remember every night we had together in France…" she murmured, lips brushing his ear as her hands came to rest on his belt.
James was completely lost to everything—even the sensations that Cèline was awakening were indistinct and seemed to be happening to someone else entirely…somewhere far away…
All he could think of at the moment was the expression on Lily's face as she'd told him she would never sleep with him, that he might as well find someone else. It was a stupid statement, but the look on her face and the flashing of her eyes said volumes more…there was no love for him on her face, no answering emotion in her eyes, and all he could see in her expression bespoke coldness and loathing.
"James…" Cèline said into his neck. She pulled away and suddenly stopped. "James…? James, what's wrong?"
There was such a pained look on his face and his eyes were narrowed and glittered strangely… Cèline was almost completely sobered by it.
"She doesn't care," James said to himself. Cèline's eyes widened. "She doesn't care…nothing…at all …so cold. She doesn't understand…my feelings…at all. It doesn't matter."
His throat was working and Cèline could surely see it, but he didn't care.
Cèline watched him, shocked, confused, contemplative. She was reaching out to him when there came a knock on the door. A shy, hesitant knock, followed by two brisk and businesslike.
"Yes?" called Cèline, her voice sharp as she put a hand to James' face. "Who is it?"
There was a pause. "My name is Lily Ev—I mean, Lily Potter. I was wondering if you'd seen my husband…?"
James froze in place. Cèline glanced at him briefly, before striding to the door and flinging it open. "He's here," she said abruptly, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "You can take him home. But first, I'd like to have a word with you…in private." She stooped, picked up James' shirt, and handed it to him. "James, could you wait in the lobby, please."
He nodded and moved woodenly across the room and out the door, studiously avoiding Lily's gaze.
Lily inclined her head, taking the measure of this witch her husband had fancied (still fancied?) as the door shut behind him. Cèline was certainly very pretty, with a pointed, saucy little face and beautiful dark tresses—such a rich, dark brown that they glinted black in some lights. Her figure, of course, was wonderful—Lily could tell even from that fluffy robe that covered most of her body. Well! So James liked brunettes, did he? For the first time since her seventh year at Hogwarts, for just a split-second, Lily felt a pang of longing for dark hair and a petite figure instead of her red-gold locks and tall, slim build. Then she came to her senses and shook her head—she didn't want to change anything…
Cèline cast a silencing charm on the room and then turned and glared at Lily with such ferocity that she seemed like a much larger, more intimidating person.
"How dare you," she said, in a quiet, tense voice. "I wasn't completely worked up over James' marriage when I heard…I took coming here as an ambassador as an opportunity to check up on him, to make sure he was happy. I wouldn't have minded at all, if I'd come to find him happy with his situation and with his wife and the coming baby. But now—" Cèline's voice rose in fury. "What have you done to him?! Can't you see how much he loves you? You must be completely heartless! Cruel! He would do anything for you—I've never seen him look so hurt or troubled, no, not even when he was threatened by the Dark Lord…how could you simply let your marriage fall apart, to—"
"That's enough!" James had come back into the room, obviously having removed Cèline's silencing charm and having heard at least part of the conversation. He took a deep breath as he came to stand between the two women, facing Cèline. "Look, Cèline, what happens between Lily and myself is our business and no one else's. I'm sorry you feel this way, but you needn't trouble yourself about it any more." He grabbed Lily's hand and dragged her from the room at such a pace that all she could do to avoid tripping was run along.
James apparated once they reached the sidewalk, taking Lily back home with him with a loud CRACK.
They appeared in the bedroom and he let go of her hand, collapsing into the sofa and covering his face with his hands. There were a few minutes of silence as Lily caught her breath and James seemed lost in a world of his own. Then he lifted his head again and looked at Lily—and her heart constricted as she saw the redness of his eyes and the pallor of his face.
"Are you all right?" he asked gently. "I'm sorry—I forgot that it isn't safe for you to apparate…do you feel anything wrong?"
Lily, temporarily unable to speak, shook her head wildly.
"Good." James sighed and turned away slightly before looking her in the face again. He got up and approached her, and stood before her with his arms at his sides. He took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry about what Cèline said back there," he said finally. "There was no excuse for it. Cèline and I…well, I don't know how much you know about that, but…there's nothing between us now. And…I'm really—"
"Is it true?" Lily asked suddenly.
"Is what true?"
She looked down at her hands, clasped before her, then up at James. Her eyes were full of tears. "Is it true, what she said, about—"
"Nothing she said was true…nothing. Don't feel badly…you aren't the one making the marriage fall apart, you've tried to make it everything we'd agreed on in the contract, it's my fault, for wanting more…everything's my fault…"
"No, not that…" Lily wasn't sure if she could ask for specifics. Gryffindor grant her strength. What had he just said, about wanting more? She threw back her head, raised her chin, and stared him straight in the eye. "What she said…about…your loving me."
His eyes softened as he looked at her and a sad smile tugged at the corner of his lips. It took a few seconds before he was able to reply.
"Of course…do you even need to ask? How could I help loving you…anyone help loving you…"
Lily's tears brimmed over and flowed down her face unchecked. Her mouth seemed twisted between a frown and a smile. "You didn't make the marriage fall apart…that part of what she said was true…it was me, it was my being afraid to tell you what I really felt." She gasped, half-sobbed, and smiled brilliantly through her tears. "James…I love you."
He stared at her—she stared back—and then they were in each other's arms.
It was a shock, in a way—but in the end it was exactly what they'd hoped for and expected. And as they held each other close—then struggled closer, past clothes and space between—and tried to show what they felt as ardently as they could, they both knew that this was real, this was the truth, and it was completely and utterly right.