Twisted Herbology
By SailorSunaru
Rating: R
Author's Notes: I would just like to remind everyone that this humor fic has a Mary Sue in it. His name is Professor Aicrag, and is based on a person I personally know. He's very nice and I love him to death.
Notes about the cell phone: it's a factual object Azureluna and I saw a lot of at school back in the good old days...
Chapter 1: "A Herbology Surprise"
As the students exited the rooms, each person consulted their schedule to check their next class.
"We've got to go to herbology next," Hermione reminded Harry and Ron, "I hope we're going to have that test on the mandrake. I read up on them all last night."
"But we haven't even studied them!" Ron exclaimed.
"Well, maybe you haven't, but I don't want to get behind!" Harry and Ron just shrugged as they walked out to the greenhouse. As they walked inside, they met an anxious Dumbledore.
"Welcome students! I see you're the first here. Well, you may or may not have heard the rumor, but a new professor will be joining us, due to the leave of Professor Sprout."
"Oh well, I never liked her anyway..." Ron muttered under his breath. Harry nudged him in the ribs while Dumbledore continued...
"As I was saying, you will have a new instructor. His name is Professor Aicrag. He will be here shortly, so please take your seats.
Dumbledore left. The rest of the class filed in a few moments later. They all took their seats on the picnic-table style benches. They waited a few minutes, but Professor Aicrag wasn't there yet.
"Where is he? He's very irresponsible, being so late!" Hermione said out loud to herself. The class waited a few more minutes. Suddenly, the doors flew open.
"Hey class! Sorry I'm so late!" the professor said as he burst through the doors. His robes were visibly new, tight and crisp as they flowed out behind him dramatically.
His pitch black robes had rhinestones around the edges. He was clad in a dark purple cape that floated above the floor at his ankles. On his head was a small beanie, with stars of every color. They glittered and flashed different colors as he ran. The class held back their giggles.
"Anyway, my name is Professor Aicrag, and I will be teaching this class. Your other professor received a message from the ministry, and won't be here for the rest of this year, and part of next." The young professor added, with a slight lisp.
"Today, we will be studying the mandrake. I don't have too many pots, so you'll have to work in pairs..." the lecture went on until he was going off on random tangents. Finally, he was done.
"Now, that you know about Mandrakes, we will be transplanting these ones." He pointed to the pots in front of him. Suddenly, the whole class looked up as a cell phone rang in the tune of "Wanting Memories". Professor Aicrag rushed over to his bag and pulled out a small light-blue and purple cell phone. While it was ringing, and when he picked it up to answer it, small lights on it glowed rainbows. Hanging off the top was a beaded strand wit a yellow glowing crystal light and a blue elephant.
"Hello?" Professor Aicrag said as he answered it in a professional, yet feminine voice. "Hello???" He yelled into the phone. It started to ring again.
"What's going on with this?" He asked himself out loud.
"Er, Professor?" Harry started, "you see, Muggle devices tend to go a bit haywire when they're around Hogwarts."
"Oh, ok." He said as he turned the phone off and put it away, rainbows still glowing. "Back to the mandrakes... They're not full mature yet, so their cry won't kill you, but you'll need earmuffs anyway. Now, I want you to get partners and take a pot." He blushed slightly when he said 'partners'.
Everyone got up and walked to the front. Ron and Hermione took a rather large pot. It wiggled when they lifted it. Harry and Draco took a smaller one. The soil merely twitched, and they nearly dropped it.
"Now that you have your pots, I want t you to get your earmuffs. He pulled a box out from under his desk. Everyone started to rush up so they wouldn't end up with the fuzzy pink ones. Fortunately, Professor Aicrag 'took the liberty of saving them from embarrassment' and took them for himself before anyone reached the box.
"To transplant, firmly grip your mandraco... I mean... mandrake." Harry and Draco looked at each other and blushed, "...and then soil it. Look up at me when you're done, and I'll give you the signal to take off your earmuffies."
The class mentally smacked themselves on the forehead. Hermione smiled and shrugged.
"What?" Ron asked, naïve to what everyone was smiling and giggling at.
"I'll tell you later, ok?" Hermione promised.
Draco, Harry, Hermione and Ron started. They were soon cringing at the sight of the shriveled and wrinkly mandrakes. They threw them into pots and literally pounded the soil on top of them.
Meanwhile, Neville and Seamus were still deciding who would pull it out. Finally, Seamus grabbed the leaves on top and ripped out the mandrake. Promptly after dropping it into the pot, they started to faint. Neville frantically grabbed onto Seamus' robes as he fell, and pushed him over, landing on top of him. Professor Aicrag turned bright red at the sight, and he rushed over to help.
"I'm coming!" Professor Aicrag yelled over the mandrakes' screams, visibly panicking. He didn't think there would be two boys fainting on his first day!
He tried to hold up the edge of his robes as he ran, but he stepped on the edge. He shoved Hermione and Ron out of the way as he went toppling into their table, knocking it over and sending the pots flying, starting a small chain reaction, due to the tables being close together.
The pots hit Crabbe and Goyle, still naïve of the mishaps behind them, and were knocked senseless. The both fell backwards, grabbing the table and pulling it with them. The two boys, the pots and the table landed on Professor Aicrag, who was now painfully trapped under their weight.
'What the?' everyone thought as they felt the ground shake. They all turned around and couldn't stifle their laughter.
As the class had all finished transplanting their 'mandracos', they all left the greenhouse, very quickly. Draco insisted on staying to help Crabbe and Goyle, so he, Harry, Ron, and Hermione stayed behind to help the unconscious boys, and to clean up.
Crabbe and Goyle gradually started to wake. Harry and Draco walked over and held out their hands, bending over the table to help. Without warning, Ron tried to levitate the table sideways. The table jerked and shifted, knocking Draco horizontally over Crabbe and Goyle with Harry on top of him.
"Ron! You stupid prat! Levitating charms were FIRST YEAR!" Hermione yelled, before she levitated the table off them, and helped the boys into chairs.
After healing the cuts and bruises on their arms, Professor Aicrag said, "Thanks a bunch, Hermione! You're really skilled! 20 Points to Gryffindor!"
"T-Thank you..." Hermione said and blushed.
"Now, I'd like to stay, but my decorations for my room will be coming any moment!"
Ron looked at Hermione and Harry. They were still smiling, though he still couldn't guess why.
"Actually, I could use a little extra help painting and hanging my pictures; would anyone like to help me tonight?"
"I would," Harry and Ron said.
"Professor, I'd love to help, but my schedule simply won't allow me. Perhaps another time," Hermione said in a professional tone, proud of taking all the extra classes. They started to walk away.
"You're taking extra classes, I see," Professor Aicrag started, "What types?" This got Hermione started. She told him all about her classes, and exactly what they were studying. In fact, she didn't stop until they reached the Gryffindor common room.
"Since we don't have anymore classes today, do you want us to help you now?" Harry asked.
"Yeah, if you could, that would be great." Then Professor Aicrag added, "I'll just wait in the library while you two clean up."
With those parting words, Harry smiled as he watched Professor Aicrag lift his robes a few inches off the floor and skip off to the library. Ron was still confused as he saw Harry grinning again.
By SailorSunaru
Rating: R
Author's Notes: I would just like to remind everyone that this humor fic has a Mary Sue in it. His name is Professor Aicrag, and is based on a person I personally know. He's very nice and I love him to death.
Notes about the cell phone: it's a factual object Azureluna and I saw a lot of at school back in the good old days...
Chapter 1: "A Herbology Surprise"
As the students exited the rooms, each person consulted their schedule to check their next class.
"We've got to go to herbology next," Hermione reminded Harry and Ron, "I hope we're going to have that test on the mandrake. I read up on them all last night."
"But we haven't even studied them!" Ron exclaimed.
"Well, maybe you haven't, but I don't want to get behind!" Harry and Ron just shrugged as they walked out to the greenhouse. As they walked inside, they met an anxious Dumbledore.
"Welcome students! I see you're the first here. Well, you may or may not have heard the rumor, but a new professor will be joining us, due to the leave of Professor Sprout."
"Oh well, I never liked her anyway..." Ron muttered under his breath. Harry nudged him in the ribs while Dumbledore continued...
"As I was saying, you will have a new instructor. His name is Professor Aicrag. He will be here shortly, so please take your seats.
Dumbledore left. The rest of the class filed in a few moments later. They all took their seats on the picnic-table style benches. They waited a few minutes, but Professor Aicrag wasn't there yet.
"Where is he? He's very irresponsible, being so late!" Hermione said out loud to herself. The class waited a few more minutes. Suddenly, the doors flew open.
"Hey class! Sorry I'm so late!" the professor said as he burst through the doors. His robes were visibly new, tight and crisp as they flowed out behind him dramatically.
His pitch black robes had rhinestones around the edges. He was clad in a dark purple cape that floated above the floor at his ankles. On his head was a small beanie, with stars of every color. They glittered and flashed different colors as he ran. The class held back their giggles.
"Anyway, my name is Professor Aicrag, and I will be teaching this class. Your other professor received a message from the ministry, and won't be here for the rest of this year, and part of next." The young professor added, with a slight lisp.
"Today, we will be studying the mandrake. I don't have too many pots, so you'll have to work in pairs..." the lecture went on until he was going off on random tangents. Finally, he was done.
"Now, that you know about Mandrakes, we will be transplanting these ones." He pointed to the pots in front of him. Suddenly, the whole class looked up as a cell phone rang in the tune of "Wanting Memories". Professor Aicrag rushed over to his bag and pulled out a small light-blue and purple cell phone. While it was ringing, and when he picked it up to answer it, small lights on it glowed rainbows. Hanging off the top was a beaded strand wit a yellow glowing crystal light and a blue elephant.
"Hello?" Professor Aicrag said as he answered it in a professional, yet feminine voice. "Hello???" He yelled into the phone. It started to ring again.
"What's going on with this?" He asked himself out loud.
"Er, Professor?" Harry started, "you see, Muggle devices tend to go a bit haywire when they're around Hogwarts."
"Oh, ok." He said as he turned the phone off and put it away, rainbows still glowing. "Back to the mandrakes... They're not full mature yet, so their cry won't kill you, but you'll need earmuffs anyway. Now, I want you to get partners and take a pot." He blushed slightly when he said 'partners'.
Everyone got up and walked to the front. Ron and Hermione took a rather large pot. It wiggled when they lifted it. Harry and Draco took a smaller one. The soil merely twitched, and they nearly dropped it.
"Now that you have your pots, I want t you to get your earmuffs. He pulled a box out from under his desk. Everyone started to rush up so they wouldn't end up with the fuzzy pink ones. Fortunately, Professor Aicrag 'took the liberty of saving them from embarrassment' and took them for himself before anyone reached the box.
"To transplant, firmly grip your mandraco... I mean... mandrake." Harry and Draco looked at each other and blushed, "...and then soil it. Look up at me when you're done, and I'll give you the signal to take off your earmuffies."
The class mentally smacked themselves on the forehead. Hermione smiled and shrugged.
"What?" Ron asked, naïve to what everyone was smiling and giggling at.
"I'll tell you later, ok?" Hermione promised.
Draco, Harry, Hermione and Ron started. They were soon cringing at the sight of the shriveled and wrinkly mandrakes. They threw them into pots and literally pounded the soil on top of them.
Meanwhile, Neville and Seamus were still deciding who would pull it out. Finally, Seamus grabbed the leaves on top and ripped out the mandrake. Promptly after dropping it into the pot, they started to faint. Neville frantically grabbed onto Seamus' robes as he fell, and pushed him over, landing on top of him. Professor Aicrag turned bright red at the sight, and he rushed over to help.
"I'm coming!" Professor Aicrag yelled over the mandrakes' screams, visibly panicking. He didn't think there would be two boys fainting on his first day!
He tried to hold up the edge of his robes as he ran, but he stepped on the edge. He shoved Hermione and Ron out of the way as he went toppling into their table, knocking it over and sending the pots flying, starting a small chain reaction, due to the tables being close together.
The pots hit Crabbe and Goyle, still naïve of the mishaps behind them, and were knocked senseless. The both fell backwards, grabbing the table and pulling it with them. The two boys, the pots and the table landed on Professor Aicrag, who was now painfully trapped under their weight.
'What the?' everyone thought as they felt the ground shake. They all turned around and couldn't stifle their laughter.
As the class had all finished transplanting their 'mandracos', they all left the greenhouse, very quickly. Draco insisted on staying to help Crabbe and Goyle, so he, Harry, Ron, and Hermione stayed behind to help the unconscious boys, and to clean up.
Crabbe and Goyle gradually started to wake. Harry and Draco walked over and held out their hands, bending over the table to help. Without warning, Ron tried to levitate the table sideways. The table jerked and shifted, knocking Draco horizontally over Crabbe and Goyle with Harry on top of him.
"Ron! You stupid prat! Levitating charms were FIRST YEAR!" Hermione yelled, before she levitated the table off them, and helped the boys into chairs.
After healing the cuts and bruises on their arms, Professor Aicrag said, "Thanks a bunch, Hermione! You're really skilled! 20 Points to Gryffindor!"
"T-Thank you..." Hermione said and blushed.
"Now, I'd like to stay, but my decorations for my room will be coming any moment!"
Ron looked at Hermione and Harry. They were still smiling, though he still couldn't guess why.
"Actually, I could use a little extra help painting and hanging my pictures; would anyone like to help me tonight?"
"I would," Harry and Ron said.
"Professor, I'd love to help, but my schedule simply won't allow me. Perhaps another time," Hermione said in a professional tone, proud of taking all the extra classes. They started to walk away.
"You're taking extra classes, I see," Professor Aicrag started, "What types?" This got Hermione started. She told him all about her classes, and exactly what they were studying. In fact, she didn't stop until they reached the Gryffindor common room.
"Since we don't have anymore classes today, do you want us to help you now?" Harry asked.
"Yeah, if you could, that would be great." Then Professor Aicrag added, "I'll just wait in the library while you two clean up."
With those parting words, Harry smiled as he watched Professor Aicrag lift his robes a few inches off the floor and skip off to the library. Ron was still confused as he saw Harry grinning again.