The next day, Dr. Tom is in his office sitting at his desk. Chris Jericho is seated across, smoking out of stress. He puts it out and waves the smoke away. Dr. Tom is oblivious, lost in his chart.
"Good afternoon."
Chris stands up, relieved, "Oh, good."
Dr. Tom pauses and looks up, "I beg your pardon?"
"You said it was a good afternoon, so I guess that means that I'm ok."
"Oh, I see." He tries to speak pleasantly. "Please sit down."
"Why? I mean, I don't want to be rude, but I..."
"How many times a year would you get sick before smoking?"
"Oh, I don't know, not very much. During cold and flu season of course but that's about it unless I caught something going around from one of the guys in the locker room." Chris looks at his watch, searching for an exit. "Speaking of which I really have to head back and...."
"Please, sit down Chris. You're not making this easy for me."
"Why, what's your problem? All you have to say is: Chris, you're fine, signs tested negative, so please pay the nice nurse and I never want to see you again as we both shall live, which in your case, Chris, is a long time. Right?"
"I don't see why not...."
Chris laughs as he sits down, "Whew, you kind had me going there, doc."
Dr. Tom opens his appointment book, "Now the first thing I'd like to do is schedule an oral exam."
"Whoa, wait a minute. You said it was a good afternoon!"
"Shall I continue?"
Chris laughs more nervously this time, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, doc. I'm not making this easy for you." He clears his throat. "The culture didn't test positive, did it?"
"I'm afraid so."
"Why are you afraid?"
"Chris, we don't even know that the lymph nodes..."
"Whoa, whoa, speak English doc!"
Dr. Tom is a bit thrown, "Oh, well... as I was saying. We don't know the condition of your throat until we do the oral exam. Now how is Wednesday, or is that good?"
"Wednesday. Well, I was going to do some recording with VH1, but I guess having things shoved in my mouth would be good too...." He ends the sarcasm. "What's an oral exam?"
"We will basically take a full scale examination of your throat, a more presice culture and some specific pharynx samples."
"Oh." Chris pauses, trying to soak all of that up. "What's a pharynx sample?"
"Remove, with a scalpel. If everything looks all right, we'll have you back in the ring bright and early the next day."
"And if everything doesn't?"
Dr. Tom looks again at his book, "Well since you're concerned about time, I'm glad to accommodate. If you like, we could schedule the examination so that, if necessary, surgery could be preformed right then and there." He reaches for his phone.
"No, no, I don't think I'd like that at all!" Chris jumps up. "I don't think I'd like that at all. I think I'd just as soon opt for the studio shoot, and let me tell you, VH1...."
"What about VH1."
"We're doing 'I Love The 90's', and I'm featured on a new show called 'I Was A Teenage Metalhead'. Plus I record 'Best Week Ever' every week, oh man, I'm not having the best week ever am I." He's getting very tense, breathing hard and sweating nervously.
"Chris..."
"I've been doing so much great stuff with them lately, the whole MTV group. Did you see me on 'Super Secret Movie Rules' and 'Headbangers Ball'?"
"I understand." Dr. Tom looks at his watch this time. "Now, why don't we just see how that exam works out, and then we can discus further options."
"Good, options sound good. You know, I went to this joint for lunch that had a dozen kinds of burgers. I got this one with I dunno how many kinds of cheeses, bacon and a double patty. Oh man, it was so good, smothered in that mayo ketchup sauce."
"I might cut down on the red meat."
"Hey, it's your funeral doc."
"Chris, we're testing promising new treatments all the time, this research center happens to be one of the finest in the world. I assure you, if options are to be found, you will find them here." Chris takes out another stressful cigarette but Dr. Tom waves a finger and speaks with true conviction, "In any event, until I see the lab reports, all I can offer you is an educated opinion based on your medical history, the culture and my own examinations." He rises.
"Yea, well." Chris follows his lead and rises as well. "I'm the kind of guy who ignores anything serious and leads a happy life until what's wrong with me kills me. Don't give away the ending."
"That's certainly your own decision. Any other questions I can answer for you right now?"
"Yea, where's the nearest bar?"
"There's a bar right across the street from here."
"Great, thanks." Chris gets up to leave. "You know, someday doc, we're gonna have a health care system in this country, with a bar right in the hospital." And with that, Chris makes his exit.
"Good afternoon."
Chris stands up, relieved, "Oh, good."
Dr. Tom pauses and looks up, "I beg your pardon?"
"You said it was a good afternoon, so I guess that means that I'm ok."
"Oh, I see." He tries to speak pleasantly. "Please sit down."
"Why? I mean, I don't want to be rude, but I..."
"How many times a year would you get sick before smoking?"
"Oh, I don't know, not very much. During cold and flu season of course but that's about it unless I caught something going around from one of the guys in the locker room." Chris looks at his watch, searching for an exit. "Speaking of which I really have to head back and...."
"Please, sit down Chris. You're not making this easy for me."
"Why, what's your problem? All you have to say is: Chris, you're fine, signs tested negative, so please pay the nice nurse and I never want to see you again as we both shall live, which in your case, Chris, is a long time. Right?"
"I don't see why not...."
Chris laughs as he sits down, "Whew, you kind had me going there, doc."
Dr. Tom opens his appointment book, "Now the first thing I'd like to do is schedule an oral exam."
"Whoa, wait a minute. You said it was a good afternoon!"
"Shall I continue?"
Chris laughs more nervously this time, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, doc. I'm not making this easy for you." He clears his throat. "The culture didn't test positive, did it?"
"I'm afraid so."
"Why are you afraid?"
"Chris, we don't even know that the lymph nodes..."
"Whoa, whoa, speak English doc!"
Dr. Tom is a bit thrown, "Oh, well... as I was saying. We don't know the condition of your throat until we do the oral exam. Now how is Wednesday, or is that good?"
"Wednesday. Well, I was going to do some recording with VH1, but I guess having things shoved in my mouth would be good too...." He ends the sarcasm. "What's an oral exam?"
"We will basically take a full scale examination of your throat, a more presice culture and some specific pharynx samples."
"Oh." Chris pauses, trying to soak all of that up. "What's a pharynx sample?"
"Remove, with a scalpel. If everything looks all right, we'll have you back in the ring bright and early the next day."
"And if everything doesn't?"
Dr. Tom looks again at his book, "Well since you're concerned about time, I'm glad to accommodate. If you like, we could schedule the examination so that, if necessary, surgery could be preformed right then and there." He reaches for his phone.
"No, no, I don't think I'd like that at all!" Chris jumps up. "I don't think I'd like that at all. I think I'd just as soon opt for the studio shoot, and let me tell you, VH1...."
"What about VH1."
"We're doing 'I Love The 90's', and I'm featured on a new show called 'I Was A Teenage Metalhead'. Plus I record 'Best Week Ever' every week, oh man, I'm not having the best week ever am I." He's getting very tense, breathing hard and sweating nervously.
"Chris..."
"I've been doing so much great stuff with them lately, the whole MTV group. Did you see me on 'Super Secret Movie Rules' and 'Headbangers Ball'?"
"I understand." Dr. Tom looks at his watch this time. "Now, why don't we just see how that exam works out, and then we can discus further options."
"Good, options sound good. You know, I went to this joint for lunch that had a dozen kinds of burgers. I got this one with I dunno how many kinds of cheeses, bacon and a double patty. Oh man, it was so good, smothered in that mayo ketchup sauce."
"I might cut down on the red meat."
"Hey, it's your funeral doc."
"Chris, we're testing promising new treatments all the time, this research center happens to be one of the finest in the world. I assure you, if options are to be found, you will find them here." Chris takes out another stressful cigarette but Dr. Tom waves a finger and speaks with true conviction, "In any event, until I see the lab reports, all I can offer you is an educated opinion based on your medical history, the culture and my own examinations." He rises.
"Yea, well." Chris follows his lead and rises as well. "I'm the kind of guy who ignores anything serious and leads a happy life until what's wrong with me kills me. Don't give away the ending."
"That's certainly your own decision. Any other questions I can answer for you right now?"
"Yea, where's the nearest bar?"
"There's a bar right across the street from here."
"Great, thanks." Chris gets up to leave. "You know, someday doc, we're gonna have a health care system in this country, with a bar right in the hospital." And with that, Chris makes his exit.