Disclaimer: I don't own the Star Wars universe or Star Wars KOTOR, George
Lucas and Lucas Arts do. They also own all the Characters and Worlds
contained therein. The characters created by me for this story are all
that I own.
Manaan – A Kiss
I decided to return to the Ebon Hawk for a nights rest before going down to the base, we would start out fresh in the morning. It had been a long day. I noticed that Juhani wanted to talk to me so I invited her to do calestinics with me that night. I usually did them once a day for an hour or two if at all possible. It was hard to stay in shape, though we were physically active while we were looking for the Star Maps, it wasn't the type of activity that kept you in combat condition. So I took the opportunity to exercise whenever possible. Many of the others had decided that it was a good idea and I often had company during my exercises. It made conversation difficult but Juhani seemed to like talking while she was working out, and we had had a great many conversations about the nature of the Force during our workout sessions.
I was meditating on and doing handstand push ups when I asked her "What happened after your father died?" She paused in her stretches and said "My mother was left to support me alone. A single non-human woman, living in one of the worse, most violent slums on Taris." Using the force I flipped myself to my feet then laid on my back, I levitated one of the storage crates over to me and let it come to rest on my feet and began lifting repetitions. I thought about what she said and asked her how they had survived.
She replied that her mother was not able to make enough to feed the both of them and had given the majority of the food to her daughter; she had been too young to realize what was going on until her mother had collapsed one day. Her mother had never recovered and Juhani had watched her die, unable to get any medical assistance for her. I closed my eyes and concentrated on staying calm. Juhani told me that her mother had borrowed money from the Exchange and that when she died they had taken Juhani and enslaved her to pay her mother's debt. She had been waiting for her buyer to claim her when the Jedi came and freed her. She had been left with a dream that she had managed to fulfill. To become a Jedi, once again she thanked me for having turned her from the dark side and given her the opportunity to fulfill her dream rather than become what she hated.
I finished my repetitions and levitated the storage crate back to its place and started my stomach crunches. Juhani watched me for a moment and then groaned and began her own set of crunches. I chuckled at her, and told her they were good for her, she growled softly and I laughed. Juhani hated doing crunches with a passion, but she knew that she needed to do them.
I finished my exercises and went to take a shower, when I finished Bastila was sitting on her bunk waiting for me to come out. I looked at her and said "Have you had the time you needed to think?"
Bastila looked at me said "You've been patient with me haven't you. I suppose you deserve and answer. But you have to understand how difficult this is for me to say." I nodded to her and waited for her to continue, however I decided it was time for a tactical maneuver and sat down on her bunk next to her. I could feel that she was working herself up to telling me that we should not pursue our feelings, and I was not about to let her do that without putting up determined effort to dissuade her.
She shifted around to face me uneasy with my nearness and said "With all my training, I should be able to control myself better than this. But you're not like anything I expected. You're not like any one I've ever met before. I find myself watching you when I don't want to. I'm thinking about you when I don't want to it isn't supposed to be like this!" I watched her face as she said this understanding how conflicted she felt and asked her "What is it supposed to be like?"
Bastila said "I don't know. It shouldn't be so hard not to think of you. It should be easy not to think of you. I should have discipline! Jedi discipline!" I was hard put not to chuckle at her outburst and she frowned at me feeling though our bond that I was not taking things as seriously as she would like. Bastila continued "Every time I try to call on my teachings to calm myself, they fail me. You have such power, such passion! I don't know if it's due to the bond between us, but I'm drawn to you."
I frowned at her and said "Are you interested in me or in my ability to use the Force?" She looked at me and said "The Force is a part of you, as is your power. But that's not what attracted me to you. It's more than that. Maybe it's the bond we share. It gives us a certain... intimacy." She paused and looked away from me and said "If I could, I would return to Dantooine. I need to be away from this bond of ours. I need to weaken it. I need to be anywhere but near you!" I drew back from her hurt by her harsh words and tried not to show my pain, but I knew she felt it.
I told her "Just give into your feelings Bastila. I know you want to." Bastila looked at me and I could feel her struggling against her own feelings "You're stronger than I am, and there's no point in telling me otherwise. You will be a great Jedi, I think. I hope. In some ways you make me feel weak, like I am caught up in the wake of our destiny. But at the same time you make me feel stronger, more alive." I looked at her with renewed hope and told her "And I feel more alive when I'm with you."
Bastila shook her head and said "I realize now these feelings are part of the bond we share. The Jedi Council surely realized this; they knew my loyalty to the doctrines of our Order would be tested on this mission. By facing and overcoming my feelings for you I have learned a valuable lesson about control and the dangers of emotion. This is an important step in understanding the Force. I'm sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear. But I felt it was important you know our... infatuation... was nothing more than a result of our powerful bond."
She was looking rigidly straight ahead at the end of this speech and not directly at me and I wondered if she really expected me to take any of it seriously. I could feel the hollowness of her words not only through the bond but through the Force. I said to her "You're rationalizing, Bastila. You're just scared to face the truth." Bastila turned back to me and asked angrily "You're the one who can't face the truth. Malak has to be stopped. How can I do that if I let myself be blinded by my feelings for you?"
Finally the truth I thought, this was the source of a lot of her fears. I gripped both her hands and said forcefully "I'm going to stop Malak, Bastila. But I want to do it with you at my side." She looked at me searchingly and said "You... you mean it don't you? But how can I be sure you aren't making a mistake. I... I have to resist. I have to be strong for both of us." I smiled at this last and said to her "You know I'm right, Bastila"
She shook her head and stubbornly said "But I don't... I mean, I can't... Malak will..." I sighed and pulled her toward me saying "I love you Bastila, and I know you love me." She stopped her rambling and looked into my eyes and said "Okay you've made your point. Now shut up and kiss me, you fool."
I laughed and finished pulling her toward me, but I didn't kiss her just yet. I touched her face gently tracing the contours of it and watched as her eyes slowly closed, I trailed my fingers over her mouth and watched as her breathing quickened. Finally I gently kissed her, and it was everything and more than I thought it would be.
When I gently broke off the kiss Bastila looked very confused and said hesitantly "We... we shouldn't have done that. It was wrong. The Jedi aren't allowed to fall in love." I sighed and said plaintively "We're not going back to this, are we?"
Bastila was obviously agitated and she said "It was... it was a moment of weakness. When I kissed you... we shouldn't have... no, I'm sorry. I know we both wanted it, but we shouldn't have given in to our desire. We're Jedi! We can't act like this. Not now, not while we still have to deal with Malak! I'm... I'm sorry. I don't blame you, but... it was a mistake. We cannot become emotionally involved; such feelings lead to the dark side. We will not have such a discussion again, I am a Jedi and I will not allow this to happen. Now I have to get out of here before somebody sees us together." With that she shielded herself from the bond and walked quickly away.
I stared after her astonished after she fled wondering who she though was not aware of our mutual attraction. Then I beat my head for awhile against the bulkhead and fought off tears, Juhani came in attracted by the noise and stared at me then sighed. "Bastila?" she said questioningly. I nodded and said "Who else would drive me to beating my head against a wall; I'm trying to figure out why I think this feels good." Juhani looked at me puzzled and then chuckled and pulled me away from the bulkhead. She suggested we take a walk to see the ocean and I agreed that might help.
I decided to return to the Ebon Hawk for a nights rest before going down to the base, we would start out fresh in the morning. It had been a long day. I noticed that Juhani wanted to talk to me so I invited her to do calestinics with me that night. I usually did them once a day for an hour or two if at all possible. It was hard to stay in shape, though we were physically active while we were looking for the Star Maps, it wasn't the type of activity that kept you in combat condition. So I took the opportunity to exercise whenever possible. Many of the others had decided that it was a good idea and I often had company during my exercises. It made conversation difficult but Juhani seemed to like talking while she was working out, and we had had a great many conversations about the nature of the Force during our workout sessions.
I was meditating on and doing handstand push ups when I asked her "What happened after your father died?" She paused in her stretches and said "My mother was left to support me alone. A single non-human woman, living in one of the worse, most violent slums on Taris." Using the force I flipped myself to my feet then laid on my back, I levitated one of the storage crates over to me and let it come to rest on my feet and began lifting repetitions. I thought about what she said and asked her how they had survived.
She replied that her mother was not able to make enough to feed the both of them and had given the majority of the food to her daughter; she had been too young to realize what was going on until her mother had collapsed one day. Her mother had never recovered and Juhani had watched her die, unable to get any medical assistance for her. I closed my eyes and concentrated on staying calm. Juhani told me that her mother had borrowed money from the Exchange and that when she died they had taken Juhani and enslaved her to pay her mother's debt. She had been waiting for her buyer to claim her when the Jedi came and freed her. She had been left with a dream that she had managed to fulfill. To become a Jedi, once again she thanked me for having turned her from the dark side and given her the opportunity to fulfill her dream rather than become what she hated.
I finished my repetitions and levitated the storage crate back to its place and started my stomach crunches. Juhani watched me for a moment and then groaned and began her own set of crunches. I chuckled at her, and told her they were good for her, she growled softly and I laughed. Juhani hated doing crunches with a passion, but she knew that she needed to do them.
I finished my exercises and went to take a shower, when I finished Bastila was sitting on her bunk waiting for me to come out. I looked at her and said "Have you had the time you needed to think?"
Bastila looked at me said "You've been patient with me haven't you. I suppose you deserve and answer. But you have to understand how difficult this is for me to say." I nodded to her and waited for her to continue, however I decided it was time for a tactical maneuver and sat down on her bunk next to her. I could feel that she was working herself up to telling me that we should not pursue our feelings, and I was not about to let her do that without putting up determined effort to dissuade her.
She shifted around to face me uneasy with my nearness and said "With all my training, I should be able to control myself better than this. But you're not like anything I expected. You're not like any one I've ever met before. I find myself watching you when I don't want to. I'm thinking about you when I don't want to it isn't supposed to be like this!" I watched her face as she said this understanding how conflicted she felt and asked her "What is it supposed to be like?"
Bastila said "I don't know. It shouldn't be so hard not to think of you. It should be easy not to think of you. I should have discipline! Jedi discipline!" I was hard put not to chuckle at her outburst and she frowned at me feeling though our bond that I was not taking things as seriously as she would like. Bastila continued "Every time I try to call on my teachings to calm myself, they fail me. You have such power, such passion! I don't know if it's due to the bond between us, but I'm drawn to you."
I frowned at her and said "Are you interested in me or in my ability to use the Force?" She looked at me and said "The Force is a part of you, as is your power. But that's not what attracted me to you. It's more than that. Maybe it's the bond we share. It gives us a certain... intimacy." She paused and looked away from me and said "If I could, I would return to Dantooine. I need to be away from this bond of ours. I need to weaken it. I need to be anywhere but near you!" I drew back from her hurt by her harsh words and tried not to show my pain, but I knew she felt it.
I told her "Just give into your feelings Bastila. I know you want to." Bastila looked at me and I could feel her struggling against her own feelings "You're stronger than I am, and there's no point in telling me otherwise. You will be a great Jedi, I think. I hope. In some ways you make me feel weak, like I am caught up in the wake of our destiny. But at the same time you make me feel stronger, more alive." I looked at her with renewed hope and told her "And I feel more alive when I'm with you."
Bastila shook her head and said "I realize now these feelings are part of the bond we share. The Jedi Council surely realized this; they knew my loyalty to the doctrines of our Order would be tested on this mission. By facing and overcoming my feelings for you I have learned a valuable lesson about control and the dangers of emotion. This is an important step in understanding the Force. I'm sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear. But I felt it was important you know our... infatuation... was nothing more than a result of our powerful bond."
She was looking rigidly straight ahead at the end of this speech and not directly at me and I wondered if she really expected me to take any of it seriously. I could feel the hollowness of her words not only through the bond but through the Force. I said to her "You're rationalizing, Bastila. You're just scared to face the truth." Bastila turned back to me and asked angrily "You're the one who can't face the truth. Malak has to be stopped. How can I do that if I let myself be blinded by my feelings for you?"
Finally the truth I thought, this was the source of a lot of her fears. I gripped both her hands and said forcefully "I'm going to stop Malak, Bastila. But I want to do it with you at my side." She looked at me searchingly and said "You... you mean it don't you? But how can I be sure you aren't making a mistake. I... I have to resist. I have to be strong for both of us." I smiled at this last and said to her "You know I'm right, Bastila"
She shook her head and stubbornly said "But I don't... I mean, I can't... Malak will..." I sighed and pulled her toward me saying "I love you Bastila, and I know you love me." She stopped her rambling and looked into my eyes and said "Okay you've made your point. Now shut up and kiss me, you fool."
I laughed and finished pulling her toward me, but I didn't kiss her just yet. I touched her face gently tracing the contours of it and watched as her eyes slowly closed, I trailed my fingers over her mouth and watched as her breathing quickened. Finally I gently kissed her, and it was everything and more than I thought it would be.
When I gently broke off the kiss Bastila looked very confused and said hesitantly "We... we shouldn't have done that. It was wrong. The Jedi aren't allowed to fall in love." I sighed and said plaintively "We're not going back to this, are we?"
Bastila was obviously agitated and she said "It was... it was a moment of weakness. When I kissed you... we shouldn't have... no, I'm sorry. I know we both wanted it, but we shouldn't have given in to our desire. We're Jedi! We can't act like this. Not now, not while we still have to deal with Malak! I'm... I'm sorry. I don't blame you, but... it was a mistake. We cannot become emotionally involved; such feelings lead to the dark side. We will not have such a discussion again, I am a Jedi and I will not allow this to happen. Now I have to get out of here before somebody sees us together." With that she shielded herself from the bond and walked quickly away.
I stared after her astonished after she fled wondering who she though was not aware of our mutual attraction. Then I beat my head for awhile against the bulkhead and fought off tears, Juhani came in attracted by the noise and stared at me then sighed. "Bastila?" she said questioningly. I nodded and said "Who else would drive me to beating my head against a wall; I'm trying to figure out why I think this feels good." Juhani looked at me puzzled and then chuckled and pulled me away from the bulkhead. She suggested we take a walk to see the ocean and I agreed that might help.