Title: Invader Zim and the Mid-life Crisis of Red, Chapter Three: The
Bacon, the Sock, and the Bathroom
Author: Zim, with a healthy dose of Red&Purple
A/N: By far Red&Purple's favorite. At last, GIR makes an appearance! This
chapter is dedicated to Kristen/Koy, my own personal, extremely non-
offensive little GIR. No offence or anything...
Deya had at last been permitted to retire to her quarters, or rather Red's quarters, for the evening. With a groan, she unbuckled the metal corset and stretched, glad to allow her ribs to take their natural shape again. She pressed a spot at the bottom of her throat and caught the voice box re- shaper as it popped out of her mouth. Last, she took the constricting straws out from behind her antennae and smiled. It was very relieving to be out of that infernal disguise.
She didn't remove the hover belt, however; that was just nifty. Instead, she hovered across the metal floor to the mirror, the frame inlaid with tiny red lights. Deya noticed a button near the base of the mirror, and curiously, she leaned forward and pressed it.
Instantly, multi-colored laser lights flooded the room, momentarily blinding her. They came from everywhere; the walls, the mirror frame, even the headboard of the Spartan bed.
"Augh! My eyes!" She shouted, one hand covering her eyes and the other hand scrabbling for the button. Once the lasers were safely off, she glanced around as if she expected to have an audience, then shrugged and began removing her contacts. She had just managed to fish the enormous red disc out of her left eye when the door slid open and Purple entered.
And there was Deya, wearing only half of her costume, with one purple eye and one red eye, with her antenna extra-curly for the occasion. She paused with one finger pressed against her right eye and her jaw open slightly in surprise. Deya looked at Purple, standing in the doorway opposite the mirror with a confused expression on his face.
"Hey, Red...I thought..." Purple started, one eye squinched partially closed. "I thought this was the bathroom. Can you tell me where it is?" Deya cleared her throat and responded, trying to mimic Red's voice as best she could.
"It's ah...down the hall and to the left. Yeah." Deya coughed.
"Thanks Red! Hey...you might wanna get your eyes checked...they look kind of...not good." He commented, then wiggled his antennae farewell and zoomed away. Deya leaned her forehead against the mirror and sighed deeply, nearly melting into a puddle from relief. Then she locked her door and removed her other contact.
Meanwhile, the real Red was in a considerably more dire predicament.
"Zim! Release me at this moment!" He commanded, but Zim only shook his infernally short head.
"My Tallest, your legs are broken, your Voot-Cruiser is a melted heap of metal, and your hover belt was...ah...tragically destroyed in the crash." The invader nodded fervently.
"Anyway, I am honored by your presence! It brings a tear to my eye that my Tallest have not forgotten me, and has arrived to assist me in my conquering of this blasted chunk of rock! ...but that will have wait. I must go to Skool now...but don't worry, GIR will be taking care of you while I am gone! Goodbye, my Tallest!" Zim waved and pranced out of the room, leaving Red strapped to the bed, comatose from shock and dread. Just when he thought Zim had at last been gotten rid of for good, he fund himself tied to a bed in the pit of Zim's laboratory. Oh, the irony.
"Hello!" A high-pitched robotic voice greeted Red from below the level of the bed. The incapacitated leader glanced around nervously.
"Hello...little...thing..." He replied hesitantly, the pulled at the straps around his arm and laughed falsely. "Hehe, how about loosening these ties, huh? Red's loosing circulation in his forearms...heh...hehe..." Trailing off, Red listened hopefully for a response.
"Aww, but I wanted you to see my puppet-show!" The voice whined. Abruptly, a strange-looking SIR hopped up onto the foot of the bed, a sock covering one arm and a piece of bacon clutched in the other hand. Before Red could ask for the robot to kindly shoot him in the head, it began acting out a bizarre, barely-coherent scene between the sock and the bacon. It seemed to involve a large amount of tapioca-pudding references, and something called 'adultery.'
"Rrrh, but Bacon! I loooove you! Jockstrap doesn't mean nothin' to me! Come back, come back!" The malfunctioning SIR Unit finished, and then bowed. Red remembered him now; GIR, the broken SIR with trash for brains. The Tallest closed his eyes, thankful that the puppet show was over, when suddenly another one began almost immediately.
"Sock! You smell like...like...like cows! Have you been foolin' around with the milkman again?! Sock! Socksocksocksocksocksock!" GIR screeched, making the bacon ferociously assault the sock on his other hand. He fell backwards off the bed and rolled around on the floor, his voice alternating between the nasally bacon-voice and the slightly deeper-but-still-nasal-and-whiny sock voice. Red lifted his head forward a few inches, then slammed it ferociously back onto the bed. He repeated this over and over as GIR's puppet show continued, hoping to bring on merciful unconsciousness.
Deya had at last been permitted to retire to her quarters, or rather Red's quarters, for the evening. With a groan, she unbuckled the metal corset and stretched, glad to allow her ribs to take their natural shape again. She pressed a spot at the bottom of her throat and caught the voice box re- shaper as it popped out of her mouth. Last, she took the constricting straws out from behind her antennae and smiled. It was very relieving to be out of that infernal disguise.
She didn't remove the hover belt, however; that was just nifty. Instead, she hovered across the metal floor to the mirror, the frame inlaid with tiny red lights. Deya noticed a button near the base of the mirror, and curiously, she leaned forward and pressed it.
Instantly, multi-colored laser lights flooded the room, momentarily blinding her. They came from everywhere; the walls, the mirror frame, even the headboard of the Spartan bed.
"Augh! My eyes!" She shouted, one hand covering her eyes and the other hand scrabbling for the button. Once the lasers were safely off, she glanced around as if she expected to have an audience, then shrugged and began removing her contacts. She had just managed to fish the enormous red disc out of her left eye when the door slid open and Purple entered.
And there was Deya, wearing only half of her costume, with one purple eye and one red eye, with her antenna extra-curly for the occasion. She paused with one finger pressed against her right eye and her jaw open slightly in surprise. Deya looked at Purple, standing in the doorway opposite the mirror with a confused expression on his face.
"Hey, Red...I thought..." Purple started, one eye squinched partially closed. "I thought this was the bathroom. Can you tell me where it is?" Deya cleared her throat and responded, trying to mimic Red's voice as best she could.
"It's ah...down the hall and to the left. Yeah." Deya coughed.
"Thanks Red! Hey...you might wanna get your eyes checked...they look kind of...not good." He commented, then wiggled his antennae farewell and zoomed away. Deya leaned her forehead against the mirror and sighed deeply, nearly melting into a puddle from relief. Then she locked her door and removed her other contact.
Meanwhile, the real Red was in a considerably more dire predicament.
"Zim! Release me at this moment!" He commanded, but Zim only shook his infernally short head.
"My Tallest, your legs are broken, your Voot-Cruiser is a melted heap of metal, and your hover belt was...ah...tragically destroyed in the crash." The invader nodded fervently.
"Anyway, I am honored by your presence! It brings a tear to my eye that my Tallest have not forgotten me, and has arrived to assist me in my conquering of this blasted chunk of rock! ...but that will have wait. I must go to Skool now...but don't worry, GIR will be taking care of you while I am gone! Goodbye, my Tallest!" Zim waved and pranced out of the room, leaving Red strapped to the bed, comatose from shock and dread. Just when he thought Zim had at last been gotten rid of for good, he fund himself tied to a bed in the pit of Zim's laboratory. Oh, the irony.
"Hello!" A high-pitched robotic voice greeted Red from below the level of the bed. The incapacitated leader glanced around nervously.
"Hello...little...thing..." He replied hesitantly, the pulled at the straps around his arm and laughed falsely. "Hehe, how about loosening these ties, huh? Red's loosing circulation in his forearms...heh...hehe..." Trailing off, Red listened hopefully for a response.
"Aww, but I wanted you to see my puppet-show!" The voice whined. Abruptly, a strange-looking SIR hopped up onto the foot of the bed, a sock covering one arm and a piece of bacon clutched in the other hand. Before Red could ask for the robot to kindly shoot him in the head, it began acting out a bizarre, barely-coherent scene between the sock and the bacon. It seemed to involve a large amount of tapioca-pudding references, and something called 'adultery.'
"Rrrh, but Bacon! I loooove you! Jockstrap doesn't mean nothin' to me! Come back, come back!" The malfunctioning SIR Unit finished, and then bowed. Red remembered him now; GIR, the broken SIR with trash for brains. The Tallest closed his eyes, thankful that the puppet show was over, when suddenly another one began almost immediately.
"Sock! You smell like...like...like cows! Have you been foolin' around with the milkman again?! Sock! Socksocksocksocksocksock!" GIR screeched, making the bacon ferociously assault the sock on his other hand. He fell backwards off the bed and rolled around on the floor, his voice alternating between the nasally bacon-voice and the slightly deeper-but-still-nasal-and-whiny sock voice. Red lifted his head forward a few inches, then slammed it ferociously back onto the bed. He repeated this over and over as GIR's puppet show continued, hoping to bring on merciful unconsciousness.