Disclaimer: I don't own Kain, I don't own Malek, I don't own Raz and I sure as hell don't want to own Vorador's boxers!
Author's Note: You know, an asshole gave this story and MortalSora's Soul Reaver 3 storie bad reviews. I shall have him murdered in this chapter. Oh, if you're reading %, you won't yield without battle. (Snickers)
Legacy of Kain: Not as Defiant as I hoped...
Chapter 3: Avenging Comedy and Saving Skanks
Termogent Forest shook. Kain and Malek's voices breached space and time itself, and scared the crap out of the Sarafan Lord/Hylden General. He leapt up from his comfortable sitting rock in the Demon Dimension. "What the hell was that?" he demanded.
"Oh, you'll see... you'll see!" muttered the deranged Seer.
***
"What-what-what?!" Kain demanded in sheer shock. Malek was paralysed from the forehead down in fear, like when you walk in on your parents doing it. Errg, it... Raz however, seemed to be the least affected, simply because he couldn't take advantage of them. He still thought he was the prettiest guy in all of Nosgoth, though.
"I said that; that demonic puppeteer Hash'ak'gik stole every one of my women. All I have left, is Greta." Vorador rumbled.
At the mention of... Greta... errg... all three guests shuddered, badly. Raziel so badly he snapped his spine, literally breaking himself in half, and disintegrated before hitting the floor. The Sluagh were getting bored anyway. A moment later, he reappeared in the centre of the room, curled up in a ball.
A voice rang from down the corridor. It's English was broken and it sounded like Malek's BO voice. "Did I... hear... name?" it asked.
All four panicked and cried out it terror. "NOOOOOO!!!" A grunt was heard from the general direction, and hard footsteps going away from the men. All three of them that could, sighed. Raz just whimpered. Malek dropped onto the couch.
"Where the hell did you pick her up?" he asked.
"In Nisgoth, what was once known as EuroGermany. She had a strange... evolutionary path, going from Asia Carrera, to the spawn of Satan!"
Kain, who was not listening, turned to Vorador. "Yes?"
Said green Vampire gave Kain an evil eye, and walked over to the television, turned it off, and pulled out a large map. "I have pinpointed his location to– here!" He said with his index claw on Avernus Cathedral. "It is defended by powerful demon, and rifts in space and time. If one were to be caught in one of these, only God knows where they would exit."
That caught Raz's attention. "I think I've figured out where that % bastard came from."
"Percentage? What sort of name is that?" Vorador asked.
"I doubt it's his actual name. The coward seems not to want his foes to know him. He gave this story a terrible review, and simply put down MortalSora."
"The man who wrote It Started with a Trial?! Impossible!"
Kain didn't get one thing. "He had your head severed and still you like it?"
"One must keep his friends close Kain, and his enemies... even closer. Remember that."
Raz, along with Kain were doing their best not to laugh out loud. "Sure... I will..." Kain answered. Vorador didn't get the joke, and looked to Malek for the answer. Malek shrugged, and made the 'drinky-drinky' look. It wasn't the proper answer, but it was good enough for the decadent vampire.
***
In the Great Cathedral of Avernus, a single man lay, sprawled out across a sacrificial alter. A beam of sunlight highlighted his face, and the ruby inscription under his head. He seemed to wrestle with himself from time to time, shifting horribly. He felt as though his bones were on the edge of shattering, and he thrashed off the alter.
A voice much like that of the Elder God spoke to him, and him alone... no one else could understand why he spoke to himself, and his enthralled demon's did not care as to the mental state of the master they served. "You shall obey me, lest you wish for this torture to continue through more than life!" it spat.
His eyes widened, and sweat dripped off his nose. He was haunted by something that had no form itself, and lived through others. "I... will not..!" he mumbled weakly, his voice becoming gravely with his last word. An ethereal laugh exploded within his head.
"You shall break."
No! His mind screamed, and he cupped his head with his hands, screaming up to the sky. "RrrrAaaaaAAAaaaAAhH!"
"Play on little mortal... play on."
***
Kain, the greatest War General in Nosgothic history, displayed his plan, in camouflage face paint. He held a pointing stick, and whipped the map with it. "As we have no means to enter despite a forceful raid... since ONE of us can't teleport-"
Malek and Vorador shot Raziel a cruel look. "Shut up..." he mumbled.
"- we will strike here, here and here!" he finished, pointing to the front gate, the spire and the backdoor, respectively. "Once inside we will ascend the main spiral staircase, and breach their inhuman defences. Malek, you have the spire. You'll work your way down, and Vorador has the back door. Razzy, you're with me, since I can get us out if we run into too much trouble. Remember, this is a HUMOR action/adventure, so do as many stupid things as possible, and always, I cannot stress this enough, always aim for the crotch. Are there any questions?"
Raziel raised his hand into the air. Kain gave him a nod, and he spoke. "Did you just call me Razzy?"
"Yes I did." he replied.
Vorador punched Raziel in the shoulder. "He's your father, he can do whatever the hell he wants."
Malek punched his other shoulder. "I'm sure you didn't need to be told to hit them in the crotch." he said with his New Zealand accent.
Raz was offended. "Are you implying that I'm a homosexual?" he asked.
"No, just that you'll be jealous because you don't have one."
Raz just nodded dumbly, then grabbed him by the armour and threw him over the couch, bent over him delivering punch after punch. Malek retaliated by using his telekinesis to throw Razzy into the ceiling, and gave him a hook on the way down.
Raz landed on his feet, in a crouched position, and pounced on the Conflict Guardian, pining him to the wall. Malek took advantage of bad stance and slammed his elbow down on his spine, stunning him long enough for a knee bash to the face.
Kain and Vorador ad flipped the couch around and now held bags of popcorn, watching them go at it, constantly swivelling their heads from left to right.
Raz charged forward and drop kicked Malek in the chest, knocking him off his feet. He tried to jump on him, but missed as Malek rolled away. Kain's words came to mind, and he grabbed the man by his shoulders, and kneed him in the crotch with everything he had. Malek's eyes went wide, and the dropped down to his knees, before rolling down onto his back.
Kain and Vorador both grabbed their crotches and crossed their legs in sympathy. Raz slicked back his perma-soaked hair and took a seat.
"Bloody Murder!" the Paladin cried from the ground.
"So, when are we leaving?" the Blue Crusader asked.
I like giving people nicknames.
Kain and Vorador exchanged looks, and nodded. "As soon as he can stand again." Kain stated.
***
The time for combat had come, and the four Hero's of this fic marched into Avernus city in slow motion, side by side. People ran away in all directions, and a storm of fangirls were held back by the local authorities. Raziel, standing second to the left, tripped over a stone and began to fall and, grabbing on to Malek and Vorador for support, dragged them to the ground with him, leaving only Kain standing.
"Dumbasses." he muttered.
The three rose unceremoniously from the ground, faces getting rosy. The two one the sides gave each other a nod, and Raz didn't really feel safe.
"Guys?" He asked nervously.
The two elbowed him in the ribs sharply, and he staggered back. The others broke into a sprint, leaving him in the dust. He hopped up off his knee and charged forth with all he had, starting to catch up. As he got beside Malek he disappeared in a purple haze, then Vorador. He made it alongside Kain, and they burst through the last alley, coming to the Cathedral grounds.
Without slowing they charged with all their might strait into the barred gate, and bounced right off. Kain massaged his wounded backside, and glared at Raz.
"What the hell did I do?!" Raz demanded. Kain opened his mouth to answer, but was cut off by a sharp squeal. The two looked around, mildly confused, until dust started to fall on their heads. They swung their heads around to stare at each other, wide eyed. Then, they turned their gazes to the front gate, which was slowly cracking through the heavy bars crossing it.
"Oh, shit." Kain said, and then they shattered, and began to collapse straight down to those two!!
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!" They both cried, until Kain teleported away.
"Coward!" The Blue Stick Man managed to yell before he was quite literally crushed into the dirt. Kain looked down, kinda nervous.
"Oops."
***
Malek appeared on the very top of the Cathedral, standing directly below the bell that would toll across the land in times of distress. He really wished his own Bastion had one, just for when he got bored. Heheh... funny to watch people panic.
Enough time wasted thinking, he prepared himself to rush down the stairs, castrating any poor bastard who got in his way when he heard the front door collapse and the screams of two distinctive vampires.
"We're under attack, sound the alarm! Strike the bell!" A voice from below called. Malek knew his cover was blown, and brandished his pike. A man in a robe holding a book floated up, and paused when he saw Malek.
"Hello!" Our favourite Sarafan yelled, before sticking his pike in his stomach throwing him over the ledge. "And goodbye!"
"What the hell was that?!" Someone shouted. He floated up the stairs, too. He saw Malek, and opened his book. Flame shot out. Malek barely dodged, and dashed forward while bringing his pike around in an arch, cutting the man in half. He began to jog down the stairs, slashing left to right and right to left without pattern, cutting down dozens of monks. He leapt down the last few steps onto the top floor, and was greeted by demon.
The greatly hated grey demons from BO and SR2 began to circle him, and closed in. Malek waited patiently, his eyes closed, praying. Praying that they wouldn't die too easily. One that stood behind him to the left charged forward, hoping to catch him and electrocute him. He ducked and spun blade first, disembowelling it. Two more leapt forward, one to his right and one behind him.
He caught the one to his right in the neck with the shaft in such a way that it's spinal column shattered. The one behind him swung a vicious right hook, and struck air. Malek dodged around it and sliced down it's back, right through the spine. It collapsed.
With three of their numbers down, the remaining seven all charged at once, and Malek prepared himself.
***
Vorador kicked the back door in, and scared the crap out of the three monks guarding it. "Did I come at a bad time?" He asked sweetly. They fumbled for their books and he lunged forward. The middle one managed to get the book out in time, but the flame passed through the purpled mist. A movement to his left caught his eye, and something green wearing white and red dashed passed him. He stood dumbly, and felt strange. His neck split open and he dropped.
The two behind him and to the sides panicked and shot flames after the mighty vampire, who teleported once more, and came from above, jabbing his Hybrid Blade through the left man's cranium.
The last man screamed in terror and shot the flame at the no longer the vampire, burning the corpse instead. Vorador faded in and out of his view a dozen times and he shot at everything he saw, until a three fingered hand caught him around the throat and threw him into the marble wall.
It cracked from the impact, and so did his back. He couldn't move. Vorador walked over leisurely and crouched down before him. "No... NOO!" he begged. It was useless of course. The three fingered hand that had but him in that situation came for his face, smoke billowing off of it.
It clasped around his face and he felt a burning pain, then Vorador was gone. The words 'Vorry wuz here' were burmt onto his face.
***
Kain used his all powerful telekinesis to lift the massive door off of Razzy. He lay there imprinted into the ground. "Need a Tylenol?"
"Tylenol GOOD! Hehehehehhheeeeheeehee!" he cackled out nonsensically.
Kain picked him up and slapped him across the face. Raz snapped out of it in a heartbeat. "Pull yourself together man!!"
Raz was mildly happy. "You called me a man." He stated.
"Don't let it get to your head."
He set the one head shorter than himself Raz down, pissed at his paternal instincts. He turned to the torn open entrance and heard screams of pain and cackles of madness. "Bastards started without us! Vae Victus!" he cried, charging Reaver first into the fray.
Raz cracked his neck and drew his own Reaver. Time to work he thought to himself flatly. He charged in and swatted at the nearest man, taking him down. More than a dozen came in, and Raz pulled out the big guns. The Reaver disappeared from his hands and they caught fire. He held them above him and slammed them down, activating the notorious Fire Glyph.
They all caught fire and ran around screaming. One of them just stood there, though. "AAAAH I'm burning, burning baby!" He cried out.
All of them stopped, and spontaneously cried out "Burn baby burn, disco inferno!" then died horribly.
Above them the roof split open and dozens of corpses poured in, all held in one position thanks to rigour mortis. They all had their hands over their crotches. Malek hopped down.
"Hey guys!" He greeted.
"Behind you!" Kain yelled. Too late, the man clubbed him over the head with a copy of 'Farewell to Arms'. "Ooh, that dumb bastard get's clocked over the head all the damn time!"
Raziel bounced off of a wall and landed on said persons shoulders, reached down and tore his nipples off. "Oh GOD!!" He yelled, and ran off massaging his chest. Malek got up and pulled off his helmet, then massaged the back of his head.
Vorador smashed open the doors dramatically, then noticed all the corpses and the three guys. "Ah, shit! Another entrance blown!"
"Shut up." Kain spat, and looked up past the hole Malek made in the ceiling. He felt a familiar presence. "He's here."
*** [thirty two seconds later]
All four of them stood in the same room as portrayed before, with the alter. The same single man, with glowing red eyes giggled upon their arrival. "More fools to add to the gran Theater of Guignal!" He bellowed in a slightly too high voice for a good effect."
Vorador was on the edge of murdering him. "Where the hell are my wives!? Tell me, or I'll lend you to him!" he announced, pointing to Raz.
"Dude!" Raz whined. Kain elbowed him in the ribs lightly to shut him up.
"You think you can defeat me?! I am %!!" he cried out.
All four instantly got into combat positions. % stepped forward, and was about to strike when Moebius, the old time streaming git ran in with a bolt cutter and... castrated... %... ow.
He doubled over in INSANE pain. "My passion pearls!" he whined out in a voice that was so high that only a dog could pick it up.
"Haha! I have more for my collection!" Moe announced, then ran out, past the guys who were holding their own crotches. Well, Raz tried to. And dear sweet God so am I.
"Jesus CHRIST!!" Malek yelled. Vorador recovered and grabbed him by the collar.
"Where is Hash'ak'gik?!"
The poor, poor, poor, POORPOORPOOR bastard grinned. "Inside me!" As he spoke, his voice deepened, and his body began to grow, and tear open, until he exploded in a gory mess, leaving only Hash'ak'gik!
"You fools! You believed to be the players, when you were the pawns! Can you not glimpse the beauty of my great dream? To give horrid reviews to good stories, shattering their faith in themselves, stopping the fics! It would drop the moral off all who loved the stories, and I would reign with terror! Muahahahaha!!" the demon roared.
Malek looked at Raz, who was unsurprised. Then to Kain and Vorador who reacted the same way as Raz. He was the only one grossed out by that act. "That was the single most disturbing thing I've seen since Vorador's nude green ass ran through the Stronghold!"
Vorador sighed. "You'll never let me live that down, will you?!"
"How do you hope to best me, little vampire?" it asked. Kain had a plan alright. He grabbed Raz's arm and brandished it before him.
"With TWO Soul Reavers! Hahah!!"
"Dad, hate to break it to you, but it isn't active."
"Activate it. Now." He said in a low, threatening voice. Raz did so.
Vorador had a question. "Where the hell are my wives?! Tell me or I'll take it all off, right here!"
The three other hero's panicked. 'Tell him, tell him NOW!!" Kain roared.
"I swear, if I see his bare ass ONE more time, I'm gonna mail you your dog in PIECES!" Malek promised.
Raz on the other hand, was trying to run. "Lemmegolemmegolemmego!" he babbled.
Hash'ak'gik laughed it off, and prepared to fight. "Time... to DINE!"
Raz stopped struggling. "You mean, time to die, right?"
"What did I say?" it asked.
"Dine. Time to dine."
"Oh. Time... to DIE!!"
"Better."
Kain leapt forward, a Reaver in each hand. "C'MON!!" he challenged. The demon starting punching at him, and breathing fire, to no success, until Kain stumbled over a big chunk of %. The demon grabbed him by the Reavers, and began to draw him in for a bite. Kain and Raz nodded. "Now!" They both cried.
As one, their four combined feet struck the regenerated testies, and crippled the beast. Vorador charged forward and drop kicked him in the neck, an Malek threw his shoe at him. Everyone stopped and looked at him. He just shrugged.
Finally Kain and Raz managed to get a good blow, and stuck it's heart like Dumah, except with Reavers. It... exploded in a most bloody way.
"WHOO-HOO! We did it!" Raz cried, then dropped like a rock as Kain let go.
"Time to find my brides!" Vorador ordered, and as they turned to leave, a rift in space and time opened behind them.
Malek was the only one with something to say. "Oh. Shit." before they were dragged in.
TO BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!!
If you want me to continue, review, I beggeth thee!
Author's Note: You know, an asshole gave this story and MortalSora's Soul Reaver 3 storie bad reviews. I shall have him murdered in this chapter. Oh, if you're reading %, you won't yield without battle. (Snickers)
Legacy of Kain: Not as Defiant as I hoped...
Chapter 3: Avenging Comedy and Saving Skanks
Termogent Forest shook. Kain and Malek's voices breached space and time itself, and scared the crap out of the Sarafan Lord/Hylden General. He leapt up from his comfortable sitting rock in the Demon Dimension. "What the hell was that?" he demanded.
"Oh, you'll see... you'll see!" muttered the deranged Seer.
***
"What-what-what?!" Kain demanded in sheer shock. Malek was paralysed from the forehead down in fear, like when you walk in on your parents doing it. Errg, it... Raz however, seemed to be the least affected, simply because he couldn't take advantage of them. He still thought he was the prettiest guy in all of Nosgoth, though.
"I said that; that demonic puppeteer Hash'ak'gik stole every one of my women. All I have left, is Greta." Vorador rumbled.
At the mention of... Greta... errg... all three guests shuddered, badly. Raziel so badly he snapped his spine, literally breaking himself in half, and disintegrated before hitting the floor. The Sluagh were getting bored anyway. A moment later, he reappeared in the centre of the room, curled up in a ball.
A voice rang from down the corridor. It's English was broken and it sounded like Malek's BO voice. "Did I... hear... name?" it asked.
All four panicked and cried out it terror. "NOOOOOO!!!" A grunt was heard from the general direction, and hard footsteps going away from the men. All three of them that could, sighed. Raz just whimpered. Malek dropped onto the couch.
"Where the hell did you pick her up?" he asked.
"In Nisgoth, what was once known as EuroGermany. She had a strange... evolutionary path, going from Asia Carrera, to the spawn of Satan!"
Kain, who was not listening, turned to Vorador. "Yes?"
Said green Vampire gave Kain an evil eye, and walked over to the television, turned it off, and pulled out a large map. "I have pinpointed his location to– here!" He said with his index claw on Avernus Cathedral. "It is defended by powerful demon, and rifts in space and time. If one were to be caught in one of these, only God knows where they would exit."
That caught Raz's attention. "I think I've figured out where that % bastard came from."
"Percentage? What sort of name is that?" Vorador asked.
"I doubt it's his actual name. The coward seems not to want his foes to know him. He gave this story a terrible review, and simply put down MortalSora."
"The man who wrote It Started with a Trial?! Impossible!"
Kain didn't get one thing. "He had your head severed and still you like it?"
"One must keep his friends close Kain, and his enemies... even closer. Remember that."
Raz, along with Kain were doing their best not to laugh out loud. "Sure... I will..." Kain answered. Vorador didn't get the joke, and looked to Malek for the answer. Malek shrugged, and made the 'drinky-drinky' look. It wasn't the proper answer, but it was good enough for the decadent vampire.
***
In the Great Cathedral of Avernus, a single man lay, sprawled out across a sacrificial alter. A beam of sunlight highlighted his face, and the ruby inscription under his head. He seemed to wrestle with himself from time to time, shifting horribly. He felt as though his bones were on the edge of shattering, and he thrashed off the alter.
A voice much like that of the Elder God spoke to him, and him alone... no one else could understand why he spoke to himself, and his enthralled demon's did not care as to the mental state of the master they served. "You shall obey me, lest you wish for this torture to continue through more than life!" it spat.
His eyes widened, and sweat dripped off his nose. He was haunted by something that had no form itself, and lived through others. "I... will not..!" he mumbled weakly, his voice becoming gravely with his last word. An ethereal laugh exploded within his head.
"You shall break."
No! His mind screamed, and he cupped his head with his hands, screaming up to the sky. "RrrrAaaaaAAAaaaAAhH!"
"Play on little mortal... play on."
***
Kain, the greatest War General in Nosgothic history, displayed his plan, in camouflage face paint. He held a pointing stick, and whipped the map with it. "As we have no means to enter despite a forceful raid... since ONE of us can't teleport-"
Malek and Vorador shot Raziel a cruel look. "Shut up..." he mumbled.
"- we will strike here, here and here!" he finished, pointing to the front gate, the spire and the backdoor, respectively. "Once inside we will ascend the main spiral staircase, and breach their inhuman defences. Malek, you have the spire. You'll work your way down, and Vorador has the back door. Razzy, you're with me, since I can get us out if we run into too much trouble. Remember, this is a HUMOR action/adventure, so do as many stupid things as possible, and always, I cannot stress this enough, always aim for the crotch. Are there any questions?"
Raziel raised his hand into the air. Kain gave him a nod, and he spoke. "Did you just call me Razzy?"
"Yes I did." he replied.
Vorador punched Raziel in the shoulder. "He's your father, he can do whatever the hell he wants."
Malek punched his other shoulder. "I'm sure you didn't need to be told to hit them in the crotch." he said with his New Zealand accent.
Raz was offended. "Are you implying that I'm a homosexual?" he asked.
"No, just that you'll be jealous because you don't have one."
Raz just nodded dumbly, then grabbed him by the armour and threw him over the couch, bent over him delivering punch after punch. Malek retaliated by using his telekinesis to throw Razzy into the ceiling, and gave him a hook on the way down.
Raz landed on his feet, in a crouched position, and pounced on the Conflict Guardian, pining him to the wall. Malek took advantage of bad stance and slammed his elbow down on his spine, stunning him long enough for a knee bash to the face.
Kain and Vorador ad flipped the couch around and now held bags of popcorn, watching them go at it, constantly swivelling their heads from left to right.
Raz charged forward and drop kicked Malek in the chest, knocking him off his feet. He tried to jump on him, but missed as Malek rolled away. Kain's words came to mind, and he grabbed the man by his shoulders, and kneed him in the crotch with everything he had. Malek's eyes went wide, and the dropped down to his knees, before rolling down onto his back.
Kain and Vorador both grabbed their crotches and crossed their legs in sympathy. Raz slicked back his perma-soaked hair and took a seat.
"Bloody Murder!" the Paladin cried from the ground.
"So, when are we leaving?" the Blue Crusader asked.
I like giving people nicknames.
Kain and Vorador exchanged looks, and nodded. "As soon as he can stand again." Kain stated.
***
The time for combat had come, and the four Hero's of this fic marched into Avernus city in slow motion, side by side. People ran away in all directions, and a storm of fangirls were held back by the local authorities. Raziel, standing second to the left, tripped over a stone and began to fall and, grabbing on to Malek and Vorador for support, dragged them to the ground with him, leaving only Kain standing.
"Dumbasses." he muttered.
The three rose unceremoniously from the ground, faces getting rosy. The two one the sides gave each other a nod, and Raz didn't really feel safe.
"Guys?" He asked nervously.
The two elbowed him in the ribs sharply, and he staggered back. The others broke into a sprint, leaving him in the dust. He hopped up off his knee and charged forth with all he had, starting to catch up. As he got beside Malek he disappeared in a purple haze, then Vorador. He made it alongside Kain, and they burst through the last alley, coming to the Cathedral grounds.
Without slowing they charged with all their might strait into the barred gate, and bounced right off. Kain massaged his wounded backside, and glared at Raz.
"What the hell did I do?!" Raz demanded. Kain opened his mouth to answer, but was cut off by a sharp squeal. The two looked around, mildly confused, until dust started to fall on their heads. They swung their heads around to stare at each other, wide eyed. Then, they turned their gazes to the front gate, which was slowly cracking through the heavy bars crossing it.
"Oh, shit." Kain said, and then they shattered, and began to collapse straight down to those two!!
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!" They both cried, until Kain teleported away.
"Coward!" The Blue Stick Man managed to yell before he was quite literally crushed into the dirt. Kain looked down, kinda nervous.
"Oops."
***
Malek appeared on the very top of the Cathedral, standing directly below the bell that would toll across the land in times of distress. He really wished his own Bastion had one, just for when he got bored. Heheh... funny to watch people panic.
Enough time wasted thinking, he prepared himself to rush down the stairs, castrating any poor bastard who got in his way when he heard the front door collapse and the screams of two distinctive vampires.
"We're under attack, sound the alarm! Strike the bell!" A voice from below called. Malek knew his cover was blown, and brandished his pike. A man in a robe holding a book floated up, and paused when he saw Malek.
"Hello!" Our favourite Sarafan yelled, before sticking his pike in his stomach throwing him over the ledge. "And goodbye!"
"What the hell was that?!" Someone shouted. He floated up the stairs, too. He saw Malek, and opened his book. Flame shot out. Malek barely dodged, and dashed forward while bringing his pike around in an arch, cutting the man in half. He began to jog down the stairs, slashing left to right and right to left without pattern, cutting down dozens of monks. He leapt down the last few steps onto the top floor, and was greeted by demon.
The greatly hated grey demons from BO and SR2 began to circle him, and closed in. Malek waited patiently, his eyes closed, praying. Praying that they wouldn't die too easily. One that stood behind him to the left charged forward, hoping to catch him and electrocute him. He ducked and spun blade first, disembowelling it. Two more leapt forward, one to his right and one behind him.
He caught the one to his right in the neck with the shaft in such a way that it's spinal column shattered. The one behind him swung a vicious right hook, and struck air. Malek dodged around it and sliced down it's back, right through the spine. It collapsed.
With three of their numbers down, the remaining seven all charged at once, and Malek prepared himself.
***
Vorador kicked the back door in, and scared the crap out of the three monks guarding it. "Did I come at a bad time?" He asked sweetly. They fumbled for their books and he lunged forward. The middle one managed to get the book out in time, but the flame passed through the purpled mist. A movement to his left caught his eye, and something green wearing white and red dashed passed him. He stood dumbly, and felt strange. His neck split open and he dropped.
The two behind him and to the sides panicked and shot flames after the mighty vampire, who teleported once more, and came from above, jabbing his Hybrid Blade through the left man's cranium.
The last man screamed in terror and shot the flame at the no longer the vampire, burning the corpse instead. Vorador faded in and out of his view a dozen times and he shot at everything he saw, until a three fingered hand caught him around the throat and threw him into the marble wall.
It cracked from the impact, and so did his back. He couldn't move. Vorador walked over leisurely and crouched down before him. "No... NOO!" he begged. It was useless of course. The three fingered hand that had but him in that situation came for his face, smoke billowing off of it.
It clasped around his face and he felt a burning pain, then Vorador was gone. The words 'Vorry wuz here' were burmt onto his face.
***
Kain used his all powerful telekinesis to lift the massive door off of Razzy. He lay there imprinted into the ground. "Need a Tylenol?"
"Tylenol GOOD! Hehehehehhheeeeheeehee!" he cackled out nonsensically.
Kain picked him up and slapped him across the face. Raz snapped out of it in a heartbeat. "Pull yourself together man!!"
Raz was mildly happy. "You called me a man." He stated.
"Don't let it get to your head."
He set the one head shorter than himself Raz down, pissed at his paternal instincts. He turned to the torn open entrance and heard screams of pain and cackles of madness. "Bastards started without us! Vae Victus!" he cried, charging Reaver first into the fray.
Raz cracked his neck and drew his own Reaver. Time to work he thought to himself flatly. He charged in and swatted at the nearest man, taking him down. More than a dozen came in, and Raz pulled out the big guns. The Reaver disappeared from his hands and they caught fire. He held them above him and slammed them down, activating the notorious Fire Glyph.
They all caught fire and ran around screaming. One of them just stood there, though. "AAAAH I'm burning, burning baby!" He cried out.
All of them stopped, and spontaneously cried out "Burn baby burn, disco inferno!" then died horribly.
Above them the roof split open and dozens of corpses poured in, all held in one position thanks to rigour mortis. They all had their hands over their crotches. Malek hopped down.
"Hey guys!" He greeted.
"Behind you!" Kain yelled. Too late, the man clubbed him over the head with a copy of 'Farewell to Arms'. "Ooh, that dumb bastard get's clocked over the head all the damn time!"
Raziel bounced off of a wall and landed on said persons shoulders, reached down and tore his nipples off. "Oh GOD!!" He yelled, and ran off massaging his chest. Malek got up and pulled off his helmet, then massaged the back of his head.
Vorador smashed open the doors dramatically, then noticed all the corpses and the three guys. "Ah, shit! Another entrance blown!"
"Shut up." Kain spat, and looked up past the hole Malek made in the ceiling. He felt a familiar presence. "He's here."
*** [thirty two seconds later]
All four of them stood in the same room as portrayed before, with the alter. The same single man, with glowing red eyes giggled upon their arrival. "More fools to add to the gran Theater of Guignal!" He bellowed in a slightly too high voice for a good effect."
Vorador was on the edge of murdering him. "Where the hell are my wives!? Tell me, or I'll lend you to him!" he announced, pointing to Raz.
"Dude!" Raz whined. Kain elbowed him in the ribs lightly to shut him up.
"You think you can defeat me?! I am %!!" he cried out.
All four instantly got into combat positions. % stepped forward, and was about to strike when Moebius, the old time streaming git ran in with a bolt cutter and... castrated... %... ow.
He doubled over in INSANE pain. "My passion pearls!" he whined out in a voice that was so high that only a dog could pick it up.
"Haha! I have more for my collection!" Moe announced, then ran out, past the guys who were holding their own crotches. Well, Raz tried to. And dear sweet God so am I.
"Jesus CHRIST!!" Malek yelled. Vorador recovered and grabbed him by the collar.
"Where is Hash'ak'gik?!"
The poor, poor, poor, POORPOORPOOR bastard grinned. "Inside me!" As he spoke, his voice deepened, and his body began to grow, and tear open, until he exploded in a gory mess, leaving only Hash'ak'gik!
"You fools! You believed to be the players, when you were the pawns! Can you not glimpse the beauty of my great dream? To give horrid reviews to good stories, shattering their faith in themselves, stopping the fics! It would drop the moral off all who loved the stories, and I would reign with terror! Muahahahaha!!" the demon roared.
Malek looked at Raz, who was unsurprised. Then to Kain and Vorador who reacted the same way as Raz. He was the only one grossed out by that act. "That was the single most disturbing thing I've seen since Vorador's nude green ass ran through the Stronghold!"
Vorador sighed. "You'll never let me live that down, will you?!"
"How do you hope to best me, little vampire?" it asked. Kain had a plan alright. He grabbed Raz's arm and brandished it before him.
"With TWO Soul Reavers! Hahah!!"
"Dad, hate to break it to you, but it isn't active."
"Activate it. Now." He said in a low, threatening voice. Raz did so.
Vorador had a question. "Where the hell are my wives?! Tell me or I'll take it all off, right here!"
The three other hero's panicked. 'Tell him, tell him NOW!!" Kain roared.
"I swear, if I see his bare ass ONE more time, I'm gonna mail you your dog in PIECES!" Malek promised.
Raz on the other hand, was trying to run. "Lemmegolemmegolemmego!" he babbled.
Hash'ak'gik laughed it off, and prepared to fight. "Time... to DINE!"
Raz stopped struggling. "You mean, time to die, right?"
"What did I say?" it asked.
"Dine. Time to dine."
"Oh. Time... to DIE!!"
"Better."
Kain leapt forward, a Reaver in each hand. "C'MON!!" he challenged. The demon starting punching at him, and breathing fire, to no success, until Kain stumbled over a big chunk of %. The demon grabbed him by the Reavers, and began to draw him in for a bite. Kain and Raz nodded. "Now!" They both cried.
As one, their four combined feet struck the regenerated testies, and crippled the beast. Vorador charged forward and drop kicked him in the neck, an Malek threw his shoe at him. Everyone stopped and looked at him. He just shrugged.
Finally Kain and Raz managed to get a good blow, and stuck it's heart like Dumah, except with Reavers. It... exploded in a most bloody way.
"WHOO-HOO! We did it!" Raz cried, then dropped like a rock as Kain let go.
"Time to find my brides!" Vorador ordered, and as they turned to leave, a rift in space and time opened behind them.
Malek was the only one with something to say. "Oh. Shit." before they were dragged in.
TO BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!!
If you want me to continue, review, I beggeth thee!