Disclaimer: I'd have a heart attack if I found out I DID own this. Enjoy!
Author's Note: Holy– I got a review from MortalSora! And Fallen Angel! That's two new ones! Then there's the ever faithful incredibly awesome OrpheumZero and Concept of a Demon, and i_love_elfie_bois, and... damn! That's a lot of reviews. I think I'll just update the review response... oh, Hylden whooping in this chap! Damn do I hate Hylden, and Sarafan. Well not Malek, he's way up there on my 'The Man' list. Umah is not. Stupid large breasted...
Legacy of Kain: Not as Defiant as I hoped...
New goal... only goal... whatever
The four men were thrown through flashing lights, Christmas trees, itchy foam like stuff and even worse– Bane's washroom. All vegetarian food really smell's like crap when you crap it out. Big surprise there, eh? The tunnel finally ended, and they came tumbling out, Raz on top, Malek on the bottom, and Kain holding Vorador for dear life was wedged above Malek, under the green dude himself.
A battle was being waged at the time of their arrival, and a creature in thick golden plated armour held a blue skinned, winged man in his grasp. Vorador and Kain recognized the two immediately, while Raz and tin boy only knew the blue one. The vampire Janos Audron, and the Hylden General aka the Sarafan Lord aka Jimmy Boy. Yes, his name is Jimmy Boy, get over it. Vorador was on his feet in an instant, along with Raz; their favourite Ancient in mortal danger. Kain just really didn't care, and Malek was debating wether or not that horrible snapping noise was his back, or his ribs. Either way, damn!
"Get the hell off my father, Hylden!" Vorador ordered. How Vorador knew all this, coming from the SR2 era, I'll explain. They did not simply travel threw time, they possessed the closest bodies they had to match the era. Kain is pale skinned, blue eyed fledgling. Vorador is simply in different robes. Malek, to his surprise, realised nothing was broken, simply because he was a ghost in armour, the closest form he inhabited to this era. Raz was the most changed. He was the Reaver. That's right, hovering defensively next to Vorador was Kain's sword.
"Jesus..! I'm floating body armour!" Malek exclaimed. "How am I going to pick up a woman like this?" He then noticed Janos, as Janos noticed him. "You!" he spat. Janos would have done similar, except he couldn't even breath. He then, finally, noticed Jimmy Boy squeezing the life out of Audron. He had only one thought– the bastard stole his job. And the parody of his emblem wasn't making it any better.
Kain decided to take action. "Drop the disco goddess, creature, and face your doom," he demanded. As you may have guessed, he doesn't like Janos, he just wanted to try out duel Reavers. He summoned his favourite son, affectionately nicknamed Razzybitch, and drew his own Reaver at the same time. "Tell me;" he taunted, "which do you want up your ass, and which do you want down your throat?"
Jimmy Boy, angered, dropped Janos on the spot, who began to pant heavily, crouching on all fours. "I see you've become more of a nuisance than I ever thought possible. Tell me, do you truly believe that with multiple parodies of the blade, you truly stand a chance?
The answer was obvious. "Yes," said Kain, "back on subject, do you want the white bone Soul Reaver, or the copper one from SR2 up your ass?"
The tin wonder stepped forward. "HEY!! You call yourself the Sarafan Lord? You hired vampires for bodyguards and went down on the bald one! You are no Sarafan!" he spat.
Jimmy Boy was not pleased. "And you are? Look around you, fool and see a mystery."
Malek looked around, and finally noticed it. IT. "Kain, what the hell happened to your waist? You look like you weigh as much as Razzy!" The sword leaped in Kain's hands.
Kain shrugged as response, and the Hylden slapped his forehead before speaking. "You are Sarafan, yet your allies are completely vampire!"
"Point being?"
JB was going insane. Steam literally shot from his ears. No big surprise, seeing as his head was already covered in some form of glyph mist. Janos, now able to breathe (not that he needs to) stood and staggered to Kain. "The blade Kain, you need only one! Give it to me!" he implored.
Vorador, ancient and near omnipotent had other plans. "No, hand it to me Kain. He wasted his aeon with the blade, and you know what he'll do with Razzy!" This of course, pissed off the only blue one in the group. (Raz is a sword)
"No, give it to me Kain." rumbled a third voice. The three vampires, ex-Sarafan and the sword, the copper one, gave the speaker a blank stare. The Sarafan Lord went aqua green with embarrassment. "Hey, can't blame a guy for trying, right? Guys? Friends?"
Kain reached out and clicked a lamp switch, materialised from nowhere. The whole room turned black. Except the portal.
*boom*crack*snap*pop*crickety*slap*boing*
"Mind the package!"
*smack*crackle*
*click*
Light returned to Nosgoth, and the only non-inbred hillbilly was sprawled out on the ground, broken. The LoK dream team (plus Janos) cheered to their victory. It was a great one, one that Kain himself could have done, one that Raz could have done alone and one that didn't need that *boing*.
"Now Kain, as I am the Reaver Guardian, hand me the blade." Janos persisted.
"Bite me old man, we don't need you around!"
Vorador was getting edgy. "Kain, I think you should give him the blade. Even Malek thinks so."
The camera zoomed in on Malek, a spoon in one hand, a bowl of Kaineo's in the other. "Huh? Hey, a penny!"
"Mine!" Kain cried, and dove for it. The same moment as Janos dove for him. Janos missed. Floor ended. Janos+no floor= swirling abyss. Figure that one out.
"KAAAAIIIIIIIN!!!"
*ZAP*
And Janos met the world largest bug zapper. Damn.
Vorador was heart broken. "Daddy, noooooooooo!!!! He didn't even write his will... aw well, time to hit the brothels."
A question poked into Malek's brain. "Weren't we trying to find your brides?"
Vorador didn't care. "I don't care." See? SEE?!
An idea popped into Malek's empty helmet. (Sorry dude) "Say, why don't we send this one back in time?"
No one else had a clue as to what he meant.
***
The portal cracked open, and the ass ugly, golden armoured villain of BO2 fell through. He was in Vorador's Mansion, 9 centuries earlier. He pushed himself into a sitting position, and noticed the single most horrid abomination that could have ever been a vampire. Greta.
"You... PreTTy... Greta liKe..."
She pounced on him, and he could do only one thing. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
***
Wandering the lower city for Vorador's Blue Lady brothel, Kain froze in place, causing them to turn and look at him. " Did you hear that?"
"Hear what?" the wolf eared wonder asked. Creative, aren't I?
"Hmm... nothing."
And so the journey continued, to destroy the one rin- I mean, to find Sanctuary. Damn, watched the Lord of the Rings again last night. Back on subject. They passed the market, filled with pickled bodies and dissected corpses, both human and animal. Wait... this is the Blood Omen script! Dammit, I'm firing my secretary! Wait, that's me! DAMN!!!!!!! Alright... oh, that was the right script. Damn sick merchants. And one of the hung figures Kain recognized immediately.
"So, Turel, that's where you've been hiding."
Turel tried to make a dash for it, but being tied to a pole by a leash, he only managed to chafe his neck. Badly. I mean this is the thing a mortician should have looked at. Just then, the Necromancer Mortanius; famed Guardian of Death and possessed madman, ran in.
"I'm a mortician!"
[insert laughs in background here]
Vorador sized him up. "No you aren't. You're the guy that went psycho when I streaked through the Sarafan Stronghold."
That being mentioned, Mortanius had a panic attack. He fell onto his side, curled up into a ball and began to rock back and forth mumbling unknowns. I love my work. "Damn," he continued. "Him and Moebius both. Is my green ass really that horrible? Should I have asked?"
Kain, ever the prick (I love that man) decided to answer. "No you shouldn't have. Even Melchiah would be queasy at the sight of your ass."
Just then, King William the just ran in. "Did someone say boy-king?"
"NO!" shouted everyone in Meridian.
Said boy-king ran off crying like the long haired fem (no offense Kain) that he was. In my opinion, if some of you like him, don't flame- I like him too. And I HATE Raz. Please God don't let them flame me.
"What is your offer?" the Elder rumbled.
"HEY!! You stole my voice actor! I'll kill you!" the Necromancer shouted. Squiddy scoffed in response. "I'll send you to the grave, and raise you as an amusement park you ancient demon!"
Malek got curious. "I'm picking up some bad blood here. Anyone care to elaborate?"
Pleasure. 9 centuries after rasing his vampire sons, Dumah gave Kain a pet squid. Kain got drunk, and kinda wandered off into the far past. He found the endlessly swirling vortex of the abyss, ate the squid and crapped him into what he thought was a freaking huge toilet system. Ever since then, that squid grew and got more and more annoying until he declared himself a God, and told his ex-boyfriend Moebius to create an order of vampire slayers, since he hated Kain. So Moebius raped Guillaume, the former Guardian of Conflict, to death. Guillaume was strong however, and lasted over a week. His screaming was heard from the forges of the Serioli to the northlands of Vasserbunde.
On that last day, Malek was borne, son of horse breeders in the mighty city of Coorhagen. Old Moe had his family assassinated by vampires, hence making him a natural foe to vampires. In his hatred he raised an army of warrior-priests devoutly loyal to the Circle of Nine, and promoted six dumbasses to be figurehead generals. Then the intro to Blood Omen, then the events of Blood Omen and the Sarafan were no more. So Malek is a misunderstood good guy and has joined their quest to kill Moebius, wipe out the Hylden and make calamari out of shitty the squiddy.
All the vampires, old men and readers looked at Malek. "Yeah, that's-That's what happened. Yeah. Damn, uh... Moe! I like vampires, whoo-hoo. Yeah."
Vorador quirked an eye ridge. "Riiiight. Then let's kill Moe!"
"YES!!!! I'VE WAITED GOING ON FIVE GAMES FOR THIS!!" the one who screamed was non other than Mortanius. I guess everyone hates the old rapist/bastard.
And so the now larger group left to find the home of the Cabal, which for no reason at all leads them to the Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain era. In their haste they left behind another character, his head nearly snapped off.
"Guys? Dad? Somebody? I'm in a lot of pain here..."
The man who hung Turel on a rack ran in and spotted him off his appointed place. "Bad half man half donkey! Now I'm gonna give you the hose!"
"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
***
[Sanctuary]
And so the weary hero's who somehow avoided murder for a chapter made it to the home of Vorador's vampire order. Or was it vampire resistance? Ah, mess it. It was abandoned, save for a swirling red vortex which led to only where readers and the author know. The mighty force of decadent old men and a possessed sword stepped through, and all hell broke loose. Vorador's robes returned to normal, Kain reverted to being a fledgling and Raziel became free of the Reaver since he starts Defiance in this time.
Before the oddly assorted group of hero's was non other than vampire hunters. Some with pitchforks, some obese with torches. And one of them held a sing reading C.A.T.F., under which was scribbled 'Coaliton agenst ths fik'. Oh great, protestors. And at the head of the group was Janos Audron- evil vampire out for the man who had him jump into the abyss, King William the Just whom I embarrassed and Moebius; the infernal time streaming dickless dickhead.
"Hey! We are a legal union of vampire haters and enemies to this fic. We are now rival characters and cannot be beaten by interference by the author!" the old jerk snapped.
Kain scoffed. "Like we need help in defeating you three! A hippy with wings, a fem I kill anyway and the only person in Blood Omen you can kill with one hit from ANYTHING!!"
The C.A.T.F. looked kinda embarrassed, shifted nervously and nodded. "Ah hell, I'll call pack up!" With that said, Willy pulled out his cell and dialled up another 'friend'. "Hey. Yeah, they noticed. Sure. A bit constipated, but I'm good. Really? Kick ass! Uh-huh? Absolutely. Way to go! What? Yeah there here now. Good, see you after I hang up. Bye!"
As soon as he hung up, a chopper flew over head and disgorged foes. The three stooges of Blood Omen 2, all the Sarafan lt.'s, the rest of the Circle of Nine, the Circle of Nine Vorador killed and King Kong.
The group stared wide eyed, or glowing orbed in Raz's case and shiny helmeted in Malek's at the larger and much more deadly force then before. Then a second chopper came and dropped off both Sarafan armies. And a third, with all the Dumahim, Dumah included.
"Hey dad!" He greeted cheerfully.
"What?! How dare you defy me?!" Kain demanded.
"You ate and shit out my squid, Sephiroth-02-01 even wrote so! I loved that squid! I called him elder, and he could do this thing with his tentacles like you couldn't imagine!"
The response was the same from eveyone, friend and for. "EW!" Except Moebius.
"You bitch! You said I was the first!"
The elder's sepulchral voice came into being. "I still love you!"
Just them, over the horizon and far away came another enemy, that prick %. "Wait! Wait! I missed my chopper!" he panted.
Moebius saw him and grinned. "Hello. I didn't bring a bolt cutter with me this time, but I'll be happy to make do with my teeth!"
"Oh sweet Hash no!" And so they ran back over the horizon and far far away.
The two groups stared each other down, then leapt into action.
NEXT TIME
Author's Note: Just kidding!
Kain swung the mighty Reaver blade around in a wide arc, his foes' bodies ruptured and spreade across the ground in a messy pattern, a thumbs up to the LoK logo. Another swarm came at him, and he put his ever loved Font of Putrescence to use. Their deaths were not pleasant ones. Still they came, and in greater numbers. Seeing himself in a disadvantage, he traded the Soul Reaver for his axes, Havoc and Malice. He cut them down as they came for him, either dead long before they struck ground, or desperate to hold their fleeing life withing their torn and mangled torsos. A man to his left, and an axe felled him, splitting his skull open like fruit. The man before him charged, bold. No matter how greatly fate favoured the bold, that fool was dead before he could bring his blade to defend.
A proud sarafan made a foolhardy attempt at Kain's back. Havoc, rusted by blood, remained caught in his helmet. Kain abandoned the weapon, and threw Malice with all his might. A sumo with a torch discovered the best way to lose weight, fast! The now fledgling vampire lord was quick to the draw with his Flame Sword, last great artifact of the Serioli blade smiths. The screams caused by it's flaming teeth were blood curdling, and in it's wielder's mind- satisfying.
Already deep in the mass of foes, the eldest living vampire of his era readied his Bone Reaver (I like to call it that) in one hand, an imposing spell in his free hand. His strength uncontested by mortals, he kept his eyes on his own vampiric spawn. They never approached the battle, allowing their lowlife lackeys to do the work. They did, however ill it might have been done. Vorador spread blood and viscera across the snowy plains east of Uschtenheim, his blade finding little resistance in human flesh. He cut swathe through them in several large arcs, giving him a berth wide enough to safely use his prepared spell– the Spirit Death. Oh, the horrors of having your very soul dissected from your still living body.
Mortanius on the other hand was having a great time. Being a Necromancer, he had summoned an army of the undead to do his bidding. He even had one get in his hands and knees, which is where he sat, happily humming and sipping tea. "Good thing Moebius left, those vampires might have had a chance at losing if he was here. *sip* YOU CALL THIS CAMOMILE!?" Angrily he poured it onto his servants head, scalding no longer human flesh.
Raz and Malek stood back to back. Both untouchable by blade, they had decided to join forces. Old friends to both the ex-sarafan, the men were smart enough not to mess around. Not smart enough to have brought jock's however. Ouch. With each slash a man lost his balls, with each blow a warrior last his pride. His joy. His best friends. And man did they scream, and loud at that! Like they never liked the idea of being a uni. Ow... so very ow...
Disheartened and near defeated, the Sarafan and all around asses called a retreat. A hasty one. "For the love of your Lord Almighty, fat men and little 'uns first!!!!"
And so they ran, cold of heart, into the long night ahead. I bleed Kain quotes. *dark chuckle* Leaving a very embarrassed group of Kings, vampires and blue hippies. They shared a look, and ran like hell. I *hate* that game. The group rejoiced, and set out to find Vorador's whore hou- I mean... Mansion.
Author's Note: Holy– I got a review from MortalSora! And Fallen Angel! That's two new ones! Then there's the ever faithful incredibly awesome OrpheumZero and Concept of a Demon, and i_love_elfie_bois, and... damn! That's a lot of reviews. I think I'll just update the review response... oh, Hylden whooping in this chap! Damn do I hate Hylden, and Sarafan. Well not Malek, he's way up there on my 'The Man' list. Umah is not. Stupid large breasted...
Legacy of Kain: Not as Defiant as I hoped...
New goal... only goal... whatever
The four men were thrown through flashing lights, Christmas trees, itchy foam like stuff and even worse– Bane's washroom. All vegetarian food really smell's like crap when you crap it out. Big surprise there, eh? The tunnel finally ended, and they came tumbling out, Raz on top, Malek on the bottom, and Kain holding Vorador for dear life was wedged above Malek, under the green dude himself.
A battle was being waged at the time of their arrival, and a creature in thick golden plated armour held a blue skinned, winged man in his grasp. Vorador and Kain recognized the two immediately, while Raz and tin boy only knew the blue one. The vampire Janos Audron, and the Hylden General aka the Sarafan Lord aka Jimmy Boy. Yes, his name is Jimmy Boy, get over it. Vorador was on his feet in an instant, along with Raz; their favourite Ancient in mortal danger. Kain just really didn't care, and Malek was debating wether or not that horrible snapping noise was his back, or his ribs. Either way, damn!
"Get the hell off my father, Hylden!" Vorador ordered. How Vorador knew all this, coming from the SR2 era, I'll explain. They did not simply travel threw time, they possessed the closest bodies they had to match the era. Kain is pale skinned, blue eyed fledgling. Vorador is simply in different robes. Malek, to his surprise, realised nothing was broken, simply because he was a ghost in armour, the closest form he inhabited to this era. Raz was the most changed. He was the Reaver. That's right, hovering defensively next to Vorador was Kain's sword.
"Jesus..! I'm floating body armour!" Malek exclaimed. "How am I going to pick up a woman like this?" He then noticed Janos, as Janos noticed him. "You!" he spat. Janos would have done similar, except he couldn't even breath. He then, finally, noticed Jimmy Boy squeezing the life out of Audron. He had only one thought– the bastard stole his job. And the parody of his emblem wasn't making it any better.
Kain decided to take action. "Drop the disco goddess, creature, and face your doom," he demanded. As you may have guessed, he doesn't like Janos, he just wanted to try out duel Reavers. He summoned his favourite son, affectionately nicknamed Razzybitch, and drew his own Reaver at the same time. "Tell me;" he taunted, "which do you want up your ass, and which do you want down your throat?"
Jimmy Boy, angered, dropped Janos on the spot, who began to pant heavily, crouching on all fours. "I see you've become more of a nuisance than I ever thought possible. Tell me, do you truly believe that with multiple parodies of the blade, you truly stand a chance?
The answer was obvious. "Yes," said Kain, "back on subject, do you want the white bone Soul Reaver, or the copper one from SR2 up your ass?"
The tin wonder stepped forward. "HEY!! You call yourself the Sarafan Lord? You hired vampires for bodyguards and went down on the bald one! You are no Sarafan!" he spat.
Jimmy Boy was not pleased. "And you are? Look around you, fool and see a mystery."
Malek looked around, and finally noticed it. IT. "Kain, what the hell happened to your waist? You look like you weigh as much as Razzy!" The sword leaped in Kain's hands.
Kain shrugged as response, and the Hylden slapped his forehead before speaking. "You are Sarafan, yet your allies are completely vampire!"
"Point being?"
JB was going insane. Steam literally shot from his ears. No big surprise, seeing as his head was already covered in some form of glyph mist. Janos, now able to breathe (not that he needs to) stood and staggered to Kain. "The blade Kain, you need only one! Give it to me!" he implored.
Vorador, ancient and near omnipotent had other plans. "No, hand it to me Kain. He wasted his aeon with the blade, and you know what he'll do with Razzy!" This of course, pissed off the only blue one in the group. (Raz is a sword)
"No, give it to me Kain." rumbled a third voice. The three vampires, ex-Sarafan and the sword, the copper one, gave the speaker a blank stare. The Sarafan Lord went aqua green with embarrassment. "Hey, can't blame a guy for trying, right? Guys? Friends?"
Kain reached out and clicked a lamp switch, materialised from nowhere. The whole room turned black. Except the portal.
*boom*crack*snap*pop*crickety*slap*boing*
"Mind the package!"
*smack*crackle*
*click*
Light returned to Nosgoth, and the only non-inbred hillbilly was sprawled out on the ground, broken. The LoK dream team (plus Janos) cheered to their victory. It was a great one, one that Kain himself could have done, one that Raz could have done alone and one that didn't need that *boing*.
"Now Kain, as I am the Reaver Guardian, hand me the blade." Janos persisted.
"Bite me old man, we don't need you around!"
Vorador was getting edgy. "Kain, I think you should give him the blade. Even Malek thinks so."
The camera zoomed in on Malek, a spoon in one hand, a bowl of Kaineo's in the other. "Huh? Hey, a penny!"
"Mine!" Kain cried, and dove for it. The same moment as Janos dove for him. Janos missed. Floor ended. Janos+no floor= swirling abyss. Figure that one out.
"KAAAAIIIIIIIN!!!"
*ZAP*
And Janos met the world largest bug zapper. Damn.
Vorador was heart broken. "Daddy, noooooooooo!!!! He didn't even write his will... aw well, time to hit the brothels."
A question poked into Malek's brain. "Weren't we trying to find your brides?"
Vorador didn't care. "I don't care." See? SEE?!
An idea popped into Malek's empty helmet. (Sorry dude) "Say, why don't we send this one back in time?"
No one else had a clue as to what he meant.
***
The portal cracked open, and the ass ugly, golden armoured villain of BO2 fell through. He was in Vorador's Mansion, 9 centuries earlier. He pushed himself into a sitting position, and noticed the single most horrid abomination that could have ever been a vampire. Greta.
"You... PreTTy... Greta liKe..."
She pounced on him, and he could do only one thing. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
***
Wandering the lower city for Vorador's Blue Lady brothel, Kain froze in place, causing them to turn and look at him. " Did you hear that?"
"Hear what?" the wolf eared wonder asked. Creative, aren't I?
"Hmm... nothing."
And so the journey continued, to destroy the one rin- I mean, to find Sanctuary. Damn, watched the Lord of the Rings again last night. Back on subject. They passed the market, filled with pickled bodies and dissected corpses, both human and animal. Wait... this is the Blood Omen script! Dammit, I'm firing my secretary! Wait, that's me! DAMN!!!!!!! Alright... oh, that was the right script. Damn sick merchants. And one of the hung figures Kain recognized immediately.
"So, Turel, that's where you've been hiding."
Turel tried to make a dash for it, but being tied to a pole by a leash, he only managed to chafe his neck. Badly. I mean this is the thing a mortician should have looked at. Just then, the Necromancer Mortanius; famed Guardian of Death and possessed madman, ran in.
"I'm a mortician!"
[insert laughs in background here]
Vorador sized him up. "No you aren't. You're the guy that went psycho when I streaked through the Sarafan Stronghold."
That being mentioned, Mortanius had a panic attack. He fell onto his side, curled up into a ball and began to rock back and forth mumbling unknowns. I love my work. "Damn," he continued. "Him and Moebius both. Is my green ass really that horrible? Should I have asked?"
Kain, ever the prick (I love that man) decided to answer. "No you shouldn't have. Even Melchiah would be queasy at the sight of your ass."
Just then, King William the just ran in. "Did someone say boy-king?"
"NO!" shouted everyone in Meridian.
Said boy-king ran off crying like the long haired fem (no offense Kain) that he was. In my opinion, if some of you like him, don't flame- I like him too. And I HATE Raz. Please God don't let them flame me.
"What is your offer?" the Elder rumbled.
"HEY!! You stole my voice actor! I'll kill you!" the Necromancer shouted. Squiddy scoffed in response. "I'll send you to the grave, and raise you as an amusement park you ancient demon!"
Malek got curious. "I'm picking up some bad blood here. Anyone care to elaborate?"
Pleasure. 9 centuries after rasing his vampire sons, Dumah gave Kain a pet squid. Kain got drunk, and kinda wandered off into the far past. He found the endlessly swirling vortex of the abyss, ate the squid and crapped him into what he thought was a freaking huge toilet system. Ever since then, that squid grew and got more and more annoying until he declared himself a God, and told his ex-boyfriend Moebius to create an order of vampire slayers, since he hated Kain. So Moebius raped Guillaume, the former Guardian of Conflict, to death. Guillaume was strong however, and lasted over a week. His screaming was heard from the forges of the Serioli to the northlands of Vasserbunde.
On that last day, Malek was borne, son of horse breeders in the mighty city of Coorhagen. Old Moe had his family assassinated by vampires, hence making him a natural foe to vampires. In his hatred he raised an army of warrior-priests devoutly loyal to the Circle of Nine, and promoted six dumbasses to be figurehead generals. Then the intro to Blood Omen, then the events of Blood Omen and the Sarafan were no more. So Malek is a misunderstood good guy and has joined their quest to kill Moebius, wipe out the Hylden and make calamari out of shitty the squiddy.
All the vampires, old men and readers looked at Malek. "Yeah, that's-That's what happened. Yeah. Damn, uh... Moe! I like vampires, whoo-hoo. Yeah."
Vorador quirked an eye ridge. "Riiiight. Then let's kill Moe!"
"YES!!!! I'VE WAITED GOING ON FIVE GAMES FOR THIS!!" the one who screamed was non other than Mortanius. I guess everyone hates the old rapist/bastard.
And so the now larger group left to find the home of the Cabal, which for no reason at all leads them to the Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain era. In their haste they left behind another character, his head nearly snapped off.
"Guys? Dad? Somebody? I'm in a lot of pain here..."
The man who hung Turel on a rack ran in and spotted him off his appointed place. "Bad half man half donkey! Now I'm gonna give you the hose!"
"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
***
[Sanctuary]
And so the weary hero's who somehow avoided murder for a chapter made it to the home of Vorador's vampire order. Or was it vampire resistance? Ah, mess it. It was abandoned, save for a swirling red vortex which led to only where readers and the author know. The mighty force of decadent old men and a possessed sword stepped through, and all hell broke loose. Vorador's robes returned to normal, Kain reverted to being a fledgling and Raziel became free of the Reaver since he starts Defiance in this time.
Before the oddly assorted group of hero's was non other than vampire hunters. Some with pitchforks, some obese with torches. And one of them held a sing reading C.A.T.F., under which was scribbled 'Coaliton agenst ths fik'. Oh great, protestors. And at the head of the group was Janos Audron- evil vampire out for the man who had him jump into the abyss, King William the Just whom I embarrassed and Moebius; the infernal time streaming dickless dickhead.
"Hey! We are a legal union of vampire haters and enemies to this fic. We are now rival characters and cannot be beaten by interference by the author!" the old jerk snapped.
Kain scoffed. "Like we need help in defeating you three! A hippy with wings, a fem I kill anyway and the only person in Blood Omen you can kill with one hit from ANYTHING!!"
The C.A.T.F. looked kinda embarrassed, shifted nervously and nodded. "Ah hell, I'll call pack up!" With that said, Willy pulled out his cell and dialled up another 'friend'. "Hey. Yeah, they noticed. Sure. A bit constipated, but I'm good. Really? Kick ass! Uh-huh? Absolutely. Way to go! What? Yeah there here now. Good, see you after I hang up. Bye!"
As soon as he hung up, a chopper flew over head and disgorged foes. The three stooges of Blood Omen 2, all the Sarafan lt.'s, the rest of the Circle of Nine, the Circle of Nine Vorador killed and King Kong.
The group stared wide eyed, or glowing orbed in Raz's case and shiny helmeted in Malek's at the larger and much more deadly force then before. Then a second chopper came and dropped off both Sarafan armies. And a third, with all the Dumahim, Dumah included.
"Hey dad!" He greeted cheerfully.
"What?! How dare you defy me?!" Kain demanded.
"You ate and shit out my squid, Sephiroth-02-01 even wrote so! I loved that squid! I called him elder, and he could do this thing with his tentacles like you couldn't imagine!"
The response was the same from eveyone, friend and for. "EW!" Except Moebius.
"You bitch! You said I was the first!"
The elder's sepulchral voice came into being. "I still love you!"
Just them, over the horizon and far away came another enemy, that prick %. "Wait! Wait! I missed my chopper!" he panted.
Moebius saw him and grinned. "Hello. I didn't bring a bolt cutter with me this time, but I'll be happy to make do with my teeth!"
"Oh sweet Hash no!" And so they ran back over the horizon and far far away.
The two groups stared each other down, then leapt into action.
NEXT TIME
Author's Note: Just kidding!
Kain swung the mighty Reaver blade around in a wide arc, his foes' bodies ruptured and spreade across the ground in a messy pattern, a thumbs up to the LoK logo. Another swarm came at him, and he put his ever loved Font of Putrescence to use. Their deaths were not pleasant ones. Still they came, and in greater numbers. Seeing himself in a disadvantage, he traded the Soul Reaver for his axes, Havoc and Malice. He cut them down as they came for him, either dead long before they struck ground, or desperate to hold their fleeing life withing their torn and mangled torsos. A man to his left, and an axe felled him, splitting his skull open like fruit. The man before him charged, bold. No matter how greatly fate favoured the bold, that fool was dead before he could bring his blade to defend.
A proud sarafan made a foolhardy attempt at Kain's back. Havoc, rusted by blood, remained caught in his helmet. Kain abandoned the weapon, and threw Malice with all his might. A sumo with a torch discovered the best way to lose weight, fast! The now fledgling vampire lord was quick to the draw with his Flame Sword, last great artifact of the Serioli blade smiths. The screams caused by it's flaming teeth were blood curdling, and in it's wielder's mind- satisfying.
Already deep in the mass of foes, the eldest living vampire of his era readied his Bone Reaver (I like to call it that) in one hand, an imposing spell in his free hand. His strength uncontested by mortals, he kept his eyes on his own vampiric spawn. They never approached the battle, allowing their lowlife lackeys to do the work. They did, however ill it might have been done. Vorador spread blood and viscera across the snowy plains east of Uschtenheim, his blade finding little resistance in human flesh. He cut swathe through them in several large arcs, giving him a berth wide enough to safely use his prepared spell– the Spirit Death. Oh, the horrors of having your very soul dissected from your still living body.
Mortanius on the other hand was having a great time. Being a Necromancer, he had summoned an army of the undead to do his bidding. He even had one get in his hands and knees, which is where he sat, happily humming and sipping tea. "Good thing Moebius left, those vampires might have had a chance at losing if he was here. *sip* YOU CALL THIS CAMOMILE!?" Angrily he poured it onto his servants head, scalding no longer human flesh.
Raz and Malek stood back to back. Both untouchable by blade, they had decided to join forces. Old friends to both the ex-sarafan, the men were smart enough not to mess around. Not smart enough to have brought jock's however. Ouch. With each slash a man lost his balls, with each blow a warrior last his pride. His joy. His best friends. And man did they scream, and loud at that! Like they never liked the idea of being a uni. Ow... so very ow...
Disheartened and near defeated, the Sarafan and all around asses called a retreat. A hasty one. "For the love of your Lord Almighty, fat men and little 'uns first!!!!"
And so they ran, cold of heart, into the long night ahead. I bleed Kain quotes. *dark chuckle* Leaving a very embarrassed group of Kings, vampires and blue hippies. They shared a look, and ran like hell. I *hate* that game. The group rejoiced, and set out to find Vorador's whore hou- I mean... Mansion.