Disclaimer: I don't own this. Fanfiction does. I think. Yeah, they do. I think. Yeah! What was I smoking last night? So many colors, so beautiful!
Vorador: Quit playing with my robes, dammit! Hey, that doesn't come o- MY BALLS!!!!
Legacy of Kain: Not as Defiant as I Hoped...
Harassing that Balance Guardian
Raziel threw open the doors to the Sanctuary of the Clans, and stepped through boldly. However, upon making only a few paces in, the door resealed itself. Raz, now having been locked in, backed away from the door, fearful of other traps. He had barely made any distance when he heard a voice that brought him to full height. "Raziel."
He wheeled on himself, then lost his footing and tumbled onto the floor. After a moment, he popped back up into view and swatted some dust off his cowl. "Kain." he spat contemptuously, walking towards his maker. Kain was lounged out comfortably across his throne, he had clearly been waiting for Razzybitch. I mean, Raziel. Dammit man, don't get flamed! Raziel paused and examined himself. "The abyss has been unkind." he mused to himself.
"You are my creation. Now, as before I criticize my own work. What have I, degenerate, done with your clan? I had no right!"
The destroyed vampire messiah chuckled darkly. "What you have created, you can also destroy, elder."
"Damn me Raziel! I am not God! This act of genocide is unconscionable!" he shouted in anger, appalled by his own genocidal act.
"Conscience? I dare to speak to YOU of conscience? Only when I have felt the true gravity of choice should I EVER dare to question your judgement! My life span is a flicker, compared to the mass of doubt and regret you have borne since Mortanius first turned you from the light... to know the fate of the world hangs in the advisedness of your every deed-- can I even begin to conceive what action I would take, in your position?" He demanded.
Kain in turn chuckled. "You would choose integrity, Raziel."
"Look around me, Kain-- see what has become of our empire. The clans, scattered to the corners of Nosgoth. This place has outlasted it's usefulness, as have I..."
With that said, Kain drew the ancient blade, Soul Reaver from his back. "The Soul Reaver, my ancient blade. Older than any of us and a thousand timed more deadly. The legends claimed the blade was possessed, and thrived by devouring the souls of it's victims. For all their bravado, they knew what it meant when I raised the Soul Reaver in anger. It meant you're dead."
For no reason whatsoever, Ariel danced across their view, chasing a paper bag caught in the wind, chanting 'paper bag' continually. Then the combat began, a vicious duel which ended in Raziel being brought to his knees. Kain grinned demonically, and brought the Reaver around in one, massive finishing blow. The blade shattered upon contact, leaving Kain without his damned victory.
Raziel, before fading into the spectral realm, looked up at Kain. "The blade is vanquished. So it unfolds, and we are one step closer to our destinies."
The elder vampire however, simply faded away, bound for places unknown. He left in his absence, a monologue. "He swore he saw a glint of satisfaction in my eyes when the Soul Reaver was destroyed. Raziel did not understand the game I was playing. He knew the finishing move, however."
***
Raz snapped upright so quickly his Michelle Branche bed sheet was sent into the wall. Actually, the wall after it. Looking a little sheepish, he dragged a vase in front of the hole. "Incognito." Satisfied with his craptacular work, he went to find a glass of water. About halfway down the massive hallway he realized their was no way in hell he could drink it, he turned around and went back to his room. On the way their, he passed by Kain's room. "I wonder what he's dreaming about?"
***
Kain stood back in horror as the Necromancer Mortanius, his undead father, grew and contorted. His very flesh tore away as what seemed to be a wall of black muscle erupted from within it, then blades formed. White as bone, like the tusks that sprouted from his mouth and curved upwards. It was a horrifying sight, enough to render one (giggle) insane. From the dakrness of his eyes red flames light, and the demon master Hash'ak'gik was reborne. He lumbered a step forward, closer to Kain.
"I thought myself a king when I was in fact a pawn! I have served you well, Hash'ak'gik." Kain admitted.
"You serve no one!"
"Indeed. I have such narrow vision. Don't I see? Your silencing of Ariel, and it's calculated repercussions, it is but the first act in your theatre of Grand Guignol. Of which I am the tragic hero! Allow me to play on, grand demon, play on."
'Vae Victus!" The demon bellowed.
***
*WHUMP*
Kain rolled onto his back, while rubbing his nose. It took the brunt of falling off the bed. Now he would never get back to sleep, so he decided to pay a visit to Ariel. Possibly walk on and of the platform the Pillars were on and laugh at her. Yeah, he already did it to future Ariel, so- WAIT!! She said 'are you doing that again?' when he tried it in the future! Damn, so he IS destined to do that. No! He wouldn't! Before his eyes he saw history reshuffling. He did it! He created a time altering decision, again!
"Quit fucking with fate, dammit!" came Vorador's angry voice from down the hallway.
How dare he tell Kain what to do? Kain was almighty, Kain was- a damn fledgling! He pulled out a note pad and jotted down 'wedgie Vorador in future'. Then he added: 'stop him from being decapitated'. Then he ran out of ink. Enraged, he threw it onto the floor. Then he got the mace out.
"Die, heathen pen!!"
And the pen met the mace, and the marble tiles. His 'foe' vanquished, he straightened himself and smirked, proud of his small accomplishment. Then it hit him, he was thinking like a fledgling again. Damn! He couldn't even VO when he wanted to. At least he was going to be a big hit in Defiance. It seemed people didn't really like him in BO2. He shrugged it off and left for Ariel's. She had surrounded the Pillars with her garden last time he visited her. He wanted to see what it was now.
As he exited the luxurious manor, he concentrated on the Pillars in his mind, and shattered into dozens of small bat like creatures, his fastest form of transportation. He passed over sights he would have taken for granted, had he not known the horrible fate in store for the land. And having personally casting every single freaking activists and ill wisher, vegetarian and member of PETA into the abyss. Oh, his well used toilet for life's little shits. At least that's how he saw it. One of them had grabbed him by the balls as he had cast her in, and the burns took over a month to get over. He razed every Taco Bell in Nosgoth for that. Granted they had nothing to do with it, but he caught the guy with a burrito before hand.
He reformed at the Pillars, Ariel watering what was now a FREAKING HUGE jungle of plants, flowers and whatever the hell THAT is! The offended clematis ducked under a group of vines, who began to console it. What the..? Back on subject, Ariel finally noticed Kain slack jawed at the scenery, smack dab in the middle of the platform she was damned to. Except for SR1. Anyway, she approached him.
"What brings the largest shitbomb in Nosgoth to me?" she asked.
Kain chuckled, a comeback at hand. "Have you ever seen the X-Files?" he asked. At her lack of a response, he went for the punch line. "It's just because you remind me of... Scully?"
"Scully?" she asked. "Is it because of my grounded beliefs?" Then his words sank in. "That's not funny, dammit!"
A voice from within the nation of flora, which never sees the end of the year, caught Kain's full attention. "Your wit does not impress me, vampire assassin," said one of the human characters I introduced last chapter. Oh I'm not good at this, it's Willy!
"Strong words for a 19 year old with a 60+ year old man for a voice actor." Kain replied cooly. His only response was his mouth opening and shutting several times, speechless.
"Screw it! Time for the fight scene!" the to be named Nemesis (if he makes it through the chapter) bellowed, drawing the Soul Reaver.
Kain drew the same blade, from decades after the death of it's previous wielder. They began to circle each other, and Ariel began to mic a bag of popcorn. How the hell did she get one of those? Did she like, plug it into the Pillar of Energy? Whatever. Donning the Wraith Armour in the moonlit night, the future Lord of Nosgoth drew the blade over his head, then let it slide into attack position, flexing his muscular arms. His beautifully silver haired opponent did the same, little hampered by his blade coated crimson armour. The unliving hero stopped, and coaxed his foe into attacking. The Nemesis did just that, closing the few metre distance with leaping strides.
Kain brought his own blade up to deflect the downward arc, sparks erupting from the force of the blow. He pushed hard, throwing his attacker back a few paces then followed that action with a hard slash, enough force behind it to tear a man in half. It was parried, and his enemy's blade was returned. He dropped to a knee, his light as air armor giving him the advantage of agility. He leapt forward, thrusting with both arms extended. While not as agile as the vampire, William was not without wits. He managed to dodge the blade that would have impaled any lesser warrior, and spun a full circle on his heels, blade extended. Kain brought his blade up, catching the blade underneath its path, and deflected it upwards, over his head. While doing so he rolled away, never tiring. He returned to his feet in a flash, parrying another attack. His foe was vicious, and his undeath was no advantage when facing the Reaver blade.
The title character jabbed at the fair haired man's face, forcing him back a step, more than Kain needed. He leapt at his foe, blade overhead and poised to strike. A wide arc from Just passed through hi mid section completely, a blow that could tear any entity to small pieces, raining about. It had no effect on Kain, as he was already mist. Kain solidified again, swinging down with all his might. The younger man was no fool and let the blade carry him, landing unceremoniously on the ground, alive however. In his many efforts to slay Kain he had tired himself. He had let the fight drag on to long, and his chanced for survival dropped with every breath he took. Defiant to the last, he put the blade in a defensive position. Kain struck hard, and William's Reaver, brought up vertically to defend, simply snapped in half. His armor did little to prevent the semi-physical man's blade from disemboweling him, tearing away a massive portion of his soul. He staggered back, allowing the ruined blade to fall, favoring the use of both his hands to prevent the inevitable. What had started as a thin gash quickly split open, his lifeblood and more draining from his body, onto similarly colored armor.
Before either could gloat or beg, an enormous plant snatched the fem from his feet and swallowed his hole. "Whoa!" both Pillar Guardians shouted. The plant then belched, and a cell phone smacked Kain in the forehead. A voice shouted from it. He picked it up, wiped plant juice from it and spoke into it.
"Hello?" he asked.
Moebius' familiar voice responded. "Kain!? Holy crap, where's blondy? Isn't he on a date with the skull girl?"
"Nope. Killed em. See you later, don't forget to bring a desert!" he shouted cheerfully, always peppy after a good sword fight. Didn't get too many anymore, not since the time he got drunk with Magnus and he tried to go down on him. Bald fruit. Wasn't really hard, just the vomiting made it a little... weird? No... odd? No... ah yes, IN-FREAKING-SANE! Unknown to him, but known to everyone else, Sarafan Melchiah has a bad case of diarrhea. Ew, nasty and irrelevant! Well, let's check on C.A.T.F.
***
Moebius screamed in frustration, then dropped the cell and smashed it with his staff. Both broke. He dropped to his knees and sobbed. The Sarafan Zephon ran in and gasped. "That phone costed me a blow job! To the Sarafan Lord!" he cried. Everyone, and I mean everyone turned and stared at him. He, of course, smiled nervously. "Snoochy moochy?"
Dumah, both of them, strode up behind him and slapped him upside his head for being a dumbass. "Have some dignity!" he/they scolded, then returned to the same seat. The Sarafan got their first, and the massively powerful and evolved vampire picked him up and tossed him over his shoulder calmly. "So we lost a man, let's send a raid to Vorador's place and cause some damage. Vampire to vampire to Sarafan to ghost armor."
The human Dumah, head stuck in a door, was knocked half senseless, yet remained indignant. "Real smart, discuss this when the author's paying attention. I thought I had some brains. Apparently they degenerate into goo."
"And I don't sound like a watermelon's been shoved up my ass. Strange how I sound more masculine, and Turel's voice get's higher. Well, he might have a deeper voice in Defiance than the guy who did it in Soul Reaver, then got cut."
Turel's voice rang down the makeshift Sarafan Stronghold, two suites next to each other in a five-star hotel. Unfortunately for them, someone locked them out of the Sarafan Stronghold, the actual one. Heh heh... my favorite self insert characters from Chibi Kain. I doubt that I'll give them a real part. Anyway, he shouted: "Lord Moebius, Bane went down on Dejoule again, and Anecrothe pissed on the toilet seat!"
The Sarafan Melchiah, greatest janitor in Nosgothic history, brought his spear/mop around in attack position. "Die, heathen piss monster!" he cried, then ran into the bathroom and mopped up all in sight, humming happily. Then demonic roars were heard, along with his own cries of pain. He came out, the bathroom behind him sparkling. Weird. Mission complete, he returned to the chair he slept on (the Guardians shared the beds, and Dumah(vampire) would crush them) and continued to read 'Farewell to Arms'.
Azimuth, wide eyed, continued to stare at Melchiah. "Riiiight."
The door to room 405 swung open, and the three vamp/stooges of BO2 swarmed in. Their unusual hearing had allowed them to pick up 'Bane down on Dejoule', and they went crazy. "Where?!" they all demanded simultaneously. As one, the Sarafan Generals, Guardians and Dumah pointed to the washroom, the shower more specifically. They charged in and slammed the door behind them. Grunts and hooting was heard from beyond the threshold. Everyone one left in the room quirked an eyebrow, then shrugged it off.
"I say we execute the traitor to the Circle, and the Sarafan!" the speaker, Raziel, was standing on his chair, after dragging it into the center of the room. He wasn't good with Malek anymore. One hand in the air, the other clutching his helmet, he waited, eyebrows raised. Dumah threw an empty coke bottle at him, knocking him off his feet, and chair. He landed on the artificial fireplace, and leapt onto his feet, bird armor on fire. The whole congregation of C.A.T.F members watched him dance around the room, like a ballerina on LSD. "OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWITBURNSMYNUTSAREONFIREHELPMEPLEASEPUTITOUTHEYICANSEEMYOWNLIPSOWOW!!!"
Rahab calmly stepped in Raz's way and dumped a bucket of ice on him. It didn't have the desired effect. It struck him unconscious, yes, put the fire out, no. Dumah then lumbered over and placed his huge helmet on the ground next to him, then unzipped his plate mail and did the unspeakable on Raz. Not Unspoken, unspeakable. It put Raz out, and in a way, Raz put out. Nasty.
***
Nutgrabber, I mean... Nupraptor sneaked outside of the building for a smoke. Having sowed his lips shut, he telepathically drew the smoke in through the small slits between threads in his lips. He sighed it out, worried that the other members would find out about his dirty little habit. He never even noticed the inhuman creature stalking the grounds behind him, crouched down and blending in with the granite walls no more than a foot behind him. The Mentalist tossed his cigarette to the ground and stepped on it, then made his way to the doors. As his fingers closed around the cool metal of the knob, an inhuman voice called to him.
"Leaving so soon?" the mocking voice, high and grating, asked. The speaker then stepped into the light. Around nine feet tall, his muscular frame seemed to be carved from steel to add to the effect of his well toned body. His chin held high and ears almost a foot across, he was clearly Turelim. To be more precise, he Lord of the Turelim. His clan symbol was still draped over his shoulder, under the metal guard he hadn't removed in centuries. The master of telekinesis approached the Guardian, blessed with a similar ability.
"Keep your distance, demon, or I'll send you back to hell!" he cautioned.
"My master, Kain, sends his regards. It's a pity you won't be able to return the sentiment."
And so a duel of magical powers commenced, waves of energy, formed through theirs minds blasted their forms, sending them both sprawling. Turel was up much faster than his foe, and waited patiently. The trickle of blood that oozed from his eyebrow sucked itself back in, sealing the wound. His healing powers had developed faster than any of his brethren, and his rock like skin took little damage. He staggered back, taking a blow to the stomach from the Mind Pillar. He hadn't even bothered to rise from the ground to attack. He would pay for teaching Turel a lesson in mercy. He lashed out again, but the semi visible projectile dissipated in the vampire's presence.
The most loyal of Kain's brood unleashed the full of his fury, simply picking up the helpless human and smashing him into any surface he saw fit. Walls spewed shards of stones as the madman crashed into them, and through them. On the verge of defeat, he pulled at his foe, and caught Turel by a most sensitive ear. He fell to the ground, released. He pulled at the Sarafan turned vampire's legs and blasted his chest with a steady stream of mental force. The 2nd born son crashed into the ground and slid across cement, barely scratching his back. He used his own powers to push off the ground, high into the air. He kicked off a wall, buckling it inwards.
The Mind Guardian was, for the first time, confused as the massive vampire loomed over him, less than a meter behind. He finally saw the cracked wall, and followed with his eyes to the only place he could be. He twisted his torso around, and fixed his eyes on the piercing gaze of the vampire Turel. His mouth opened to speak, but no words came out. It's difficult when it's been severed in a single slash. The vampiric equivalent of Dumbo picked up the severed head, and looked around curiously. Then he spoke. "Alas, poor Nupraptor. I knew him well. Not as well as he knew every nook and cranny on Ariel though. With that, he tossed it over his shoulder and stalked off.
***
Dumah laid his cards down, a royal flush. With a groan, the Sarafan Turel, Bane and Marcus took off an article of clothing and placed it before them. Then the window shattered, and the head of Nupraptor landed hard between them, on the table. Many screamed, many gasped, Sebastion passed out. Dumah just quirked an eyebrow. "Well. Isn't this an onion in the ointment?"
Author's Note: Any suggestions for new members of C.A.T.F.? Please review, I love(like) you all!