The Bizarre Excel Saga / He-Man crossover
Well, someone had to do it at one point, and it might as well be me. This fic has lots of pointless parodies, violence, destruction and mayhem involved, and should not be read by those of a nervous disposition. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Excel Saga, He-Man, any of the characters that appear in them and whatever else appears in this fic.
Chapter 1: Not another Fing Crossover fic!
In an a certain City in a certain prefecture, we decend downwards into the earth, and even further then that (somewhere between Japan and America) we arrive at the ACROSS base. The room is populated by a single person. He is known as Lord Ilpalazzo - ruler of ACROSS, currently speaking on his cellular phone...
"So, you need my help with some matters? Good rewards and help with city conquest if I help? What's the catch? Oh, in that case... I have the perfect person for you. Good day."
He grins maliciously, and then he leaps up into the air screaming with joy.
"Hey Hatchan, what time is it?" No reply. Excel wanders into the next room, only to find Hyatt slumped on the table.
"HATCHAN!! THIS IS NO TIME TO BE DEAD!! We have to be at Across HQ at 3!" Excel sighs, then grabs hold of Hyatt. She drags her down the street, towards wherever the secret entrance to ACROSS HQ is. She picks up the pace when the police start chasing her, accusing her of murder and public indecency. She is then hit by a car, which miraculously lands her right beside the entrance. By now Hyatt is coming to.
"Oh. Is it morning already?" asked the recently deceased Hyatt.
"Couldn't you have revived yourself maybe 20 minutes ago?"
"Yes. Was there any reason in doing so?"
"Maybe, what time is it?"
"The time is... 3.55"
"Oh teacakes!! We gotta run run RUN!!" Excel, still dragging a surprised Hyatt charges down the secret passageway, past the 3 headed 6 legged and 9 armed guardian, past the piranha tank and through the scorpion pit until they arrive at the base.
"Hail Ilpala.."
"zzo.."
"Good morning ladies. I have an important mission for you two today, but first..." The pull handle descends.
"You're late." He pulls on it, and Excel plummets 20 stories.
"I didn't mean it sirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..."
"No doubt. Anyway Hyatt, I have a friend who requires some help, because he's an arrogant bastard who can't do anything for himself and should just die! But he promised to help in our conquest of the city so I can put aside such misgivings for the time being. Hes still a bastard..."
"So, why do we need to know it? I'm just a servant of your ideals." replied the passive Hyatt.
"It concerns you because I am sending you to help him." Ilpalazzo smirked.
"WHAT!!?? You can't do that. Without any form of contact with you I, Excel would stop breathing."
"That can be arranged..." He motions towards the lever.
"I'll be good I'll be good!" hurriedly replied Excel. Hyatt continued staring transfixed, wondering why Excel was worrying so much. Then she collapsed again.
"Well, its time for to go off" said Ilpala, barely containing his glee. See you in few months. I look forward to your success Hyatt." Hyatt simply coughs up blood some more. He pulls on the lever, and the floor underneath both Excel and Hyatt opens up. Excel screams. Hyatt coughs. They both plummet.
"Oooh, its like those really old and bad sci-fi films with the flashing lights and stuff whenever they have someone go through a wormhole thingie! Hey Hatchan, you think that this leads to some unknown dimension?"
"I don't know senior, I do know that this is making me travel sick." She turns into a shade of polkadot, and then vomits some more.
"Gee Hatchan, you haven't thrown up that much blood in a while. To think you're still alive. If only you weren't ill we could make a fortune at a bloodbank. We'd never go hungry again!" Excel lapses into memories of food, considering her last meal was 3 days ago. She then realised for the second time that she was still falling.
"Oh CRAP!!"
"So, what's this amazing thing that you have found?" asks the bored Watanabe. Sumiyoshi just stood there, emanating his singular presence.
"Well, its some super cool dimensional gateway thingie!"
"Iwata you idiot, no such thing exists! Asshole..."
"That what the hell do you call this then?!" He points towards a swirling black vortex. It is completely black and has a big sign right beside it saying "Warning: No not enter. Side effects of entering may include loss of lunch, increased ear size, gender switching and imminent death.
"No way I am going in that thing!" Yelled Watanabe.
Same here added in Sumiyoshi.
"Alright then, your loss!" He dives in head first, and after 5 minutes of waiting Sumiyoshi and Watanabe look closer at the hole.
Do you reckon he survived?
"Like I give a damn." Then suddenly a man with a gigantic afro appears behind them, with Sumiyoshi and Watanabe in-between Nabeshin and the hole.
"Sorry to interrupt but due to the story direction, I'm going to have to push you into that now. Okay, enjoy the ride!" Nabeshin kicks Watanabe in the back, causing him to crash into Sumiyoshi and then both of them plummeting into the hole. "Ah well, stories out of my hands now. Time for my vacation!"
"WAIT A MINUTE!" Nabeshin sighs. Its Koshi Rikdo. The original author. "What have you done with my characters?"
"I sent them through that worm hole thingy. Got a problem with that?"
"No, but if they get stuck in there, its your ass on the line when it comes to finishing the story!" Nabeshin thinks for a second.
"Fuck!"
"So, that idiot agreed to help me conquer all of Eternia? I must say, you have some surprising friends Stinktor."
"Well, what is a funny story, you see.." CRASH Stinktor is blasted into the wall behind him. He is hurt, but shrugs it off to avoid weakness.
"No get out of my sight! You're stinking up the place! Hurry up unless you want to be joined with a bunny rabbit!"
"Yes Skeletor." He leaves, royally pissed at Skeletor, but not stupid enough to show it.
"So Skeletor.." interrupted Too, "what is the plan once we receive this help?"
"Impatient are we?"
"Oh yes, very impatient. I would be able to fight at my best if I didn't have this growth attached to me!"
"So I'm a growth am I, you stupid sack of meat?" butted in Badd. They were joined together as Too-Badd, 2 heads, but half a body each. Needless to say, they hated each other so much that they nearly cut themselves in half. Though they found out they share all of their vital organs so couldn't do it. Still didn't stop them hating each other.
"SILENCE!" They both shut up. "Now, I want all of my evil warriors prepared for the upcoming assault, and I don't want any foul-ups this time! If there are, heads will roll. Clear?"
"Crystal"/"crystal"
Somewhere on the dark hemisphere, a strange black portal appeared, and through it you could faintly hear muttering coming from it. Out of it appears two women - Excel and Hyatt. Excel does a perfect 10 point landing, while Hyatt hits the ground and bounces. She's dead again.
"Well Hatchan we finally made it, but I found it surprising that it took us 2 hours to get here. I mean the falling gag gets kinda old if it lasts two hours. Hatchan? WAKE UP HATCHAN!!" Hyatt recovers.
"Oh my. Are we here already? I thought it was a two hour trip?" she asked quizzically.
"How did you know it was going to be two hours?" asked a curious Excel.
"Oh, Ilpala left me a note saying what to expect when we got here. So how was the journey for you?"
"It was terrible, crap food and no in-flight movie! What a rip-off!!"
"Yeah, I suppose it would be."
"Say Hatchan?"
"Yes Senior?"
"Where the fuck are we?"
"Fuck if I know." Excel just stares at Hyatt. Then she lets it slide. "You got any binoculars by any chance?"
"No, I don't usually carry such things around with me."
"Nevermind, I shall make do!" She puts her hands in front of her eyes like a child pretending to use binoculars, but then her eyes bug out to make makeshift binoculars. "say Hatchan, what is the place we're heading to supposed to look like?"
"Well, I thought you would know since you are my senior." Excel face planted.
"Thats not very helpful. Okay, I see lava, lava, molten rocks and even more lava. Oh wait, I see some kind of tower. It looks kinda like a one headed snake. Sound familiar?"
"Maybe.." replied an unsure Hyatt.
"Oh, teacakes! Well, since this is only the first part we shall randomly head to that tower, and then we will ask for directions since I have no idea where the fuck we are! And that is so unlike me to ask for directions, but in this case I'll make an exception." They began to walk in the general direction of the giant snake tower, with Hyatt leaving a very thick trail of blood behind her as she walked...
Well, thats the first chapter over and done with. If you enjoyed it please review it, and say what you liked about it.