In Naraku's Defence

If a mistake is made, you say: "I'm only a human."

I do not have this excuse…

Quite amusing, really. I tried to lessen someone's pain and despair only to be bogged down in even a darker world.

Is it a crime to wish with all your heart to wipe off bitter tears and in your attempts…fall into an abyss of haze?

I confess that I was a thief. I confess that my love towards the life was bigger than morals. I confess that every time I searched for a decent work, every time I sought for an opportunity to start from the very beginning- I was driven out of a village…no one, not a single soul wished to give me a second chance.

Then she appeared.

Beautiful…

Refined features, long straight hair, velvety as a summer night, chestnut eyes filled with sadness and endless kindness. There was compassion…

She was the first to CARE for me. She stayed with me, trying to reduce my torments, earnestly trying to cure my wounds.

And a shimmering light appeared at the top of a well.

I wanted to see her smile…for real. A sorrow was in her merciful heart. She was a priestess, obliged to keep Shikon no Tama away from youkai, obliged to protect people with her holy powers, doomed to devote her life to others…but not to herself.

I yearned to repay her for giving me a hope.

And so a thought illuminated my mind. What if, what if I had enough strength to protect her and the Jewel…then she wouldn't have to dedicate all her time to social problems.

I didn't ever think about touching her, though…no, no – only not me.

I would grant her every wish. I would be the happiest man on the Earth if she smiled, if her chocolate eyes sparkled in a sincere joy.

And so I called them…begging to lend me power to shield her against burning life blows.

And they came…reassuring that I'll receive needed strength, that I'll be able to start life afresh…technically, they never said a single lie - nevertheless, I had to know better…

I truly became a new…creature, only instead of gentle admiration and love, caustic poison settled in my soul.

Purple hatred is eating away my suffering heart.  Constant fights with inner demons pull me deeper and deeper, concealing former dreams.

I only wished to feel happiness by seeing her laugh. I only wished to be needed…

Now they cower before me- it became an exclusive circle.

What should I do - go to those Shard hunters and apologize?! They are collecting them to help Inuyasha turn into a full demon. I too don't want to be a hanyou…I too want my dreams to come true…

And the woman, who loved Sesshoumaru, repeated my actions…and wasn't damned like me…She yearned to be with her love and now she can play her tune in the afterworld for him. But not me.

I can't turn back. They won't accept me anyway. Every time I try to prevent bloodshed, every time I try to dodge battles – they come…accusing of every possible deed, of every breath I take.

No second chances…

Only she believed me, only she saw through prejudices …and accepted my existence

Kikyo…