Crash and Burn
Chapter 11 – The Burden of Atlas
Once Dee had gone, Ryo headed to the office in the hope of finding Dr Sims. The middle aged doctor wasn't around but he did find a nurse who sensed he was in need of something and put down the notes she was reading.
"Sorry to trouble you," he said, leaning into the office, "But I was looking for Dr Sims."
"He's on his ward rounds at the moment," she replied, smiling warmly at the handsome yet clearly wearied man. "Is there anything I can help you with?"
At her invitation, Ryo stepped into the office and sat down heavily into one of the leather chairs. "My partner's just been diagnosed with diabetes and I know next to nothing about the condition. I was wondering if Dr Sims had any reading I could take away so I could learn more about it."
The nurse smiled sympathetically as she stood and went to a large bookshelf laden with information. She studied the rows of texts for a moment before pulling out a book and several leaflets. "These should tell you everything you need to know," she said, handing them to him. "Is it type one or type two?"
"Type one," Ryo replied. "But that's about all I know." He sighed heavily as he ran a hand through his sleep-mussed hair. "I just feel so ignorant. Dee's got so much to deal with at the moment without this too. I just want to show him that I understand about his condition so we can deal with it together."
The nurse nodded as she sat back down opposite the attractive blond. "He'll need that. Diabetes can be a big shock to the system, especially to older type one sufferers. Getting a handle on a new diet and regular monitoring of blood glucose levels can be a bit daunting at first but it does get easier."
Ryo nodded, hoping that it was true as he glanced at the cover of the book entitled 'Living with Diabetes'. The people in the picture were smiling and he wondered how long it would be before he ever saw that expression on Dee's face again. "Well thank you for these," he said, grateful that he could learn a little about what Dee had to face before his lover was awake. "I think I'm going to go to the refectory to read these. Would someone be able to come and find me when Dee is out of surgery?"
"Of course," the nurse smiled.
With a few hours to kill while Dee was having his operation, Ryo got a cup of tea and took himself to a quiet corner of the refectory in order to digest the wealth of information that the nurse had given him. In a short space of time, he had learnt more about diabetes than he thought possible; the symptoms, causes and treatment and what it was like to live with the condition. The changes Dee would need to make to his lifestyle would be a huge undertaking; it seemed like everything Dee enjoyed as part of his diet was suddenly out of bounds.
Suddenly Ryo felt the need to talk to someone and he stood, collecting up the books and leaflets and headed over to the payphone located near the exit. Finding some change in his pocket, he fed it into the slot and dialled Drake's cell phone number, relieved when the call was answered on the third ring.
"Drake? It's Ryo. Are you busy?"
"Ryo! How's Dee?" Drake replied, ignoring the other man's question.
Ryo briefly explained that Dee's fever had passed and he'd been taken down to surgery to re-set his leg before he enquired what the other man was doing at that moment. Perceptive as always, Drake sensed that Ryo needed to talk. "I've just been to interview a reluctant witness in an armed robbery who unsurprisingly wasn't home when I got there. I'm not far from the hospital, d'you want me to call in?"
Ryo swallowed a huge lump of emotion in his throat before he could reply. "I'd really appreciate that Drake, are you sure you don't mind?"
"Not at all, where will I find you?"
"The refectory on the fourth floor. Thanks Drake."
"No problem," the other man replied, "See you in five."
As he waited for Drake to arrive, Ryo grabbed another cup of tea and retook his seat in the corner. Idly flicking through one of the leaflets, he noticed there was a list of telephone numbers for support groups for partners and parents of diabetes sufferers and of course the diabetics themselves. He was in the process of considering whether he should suggest such a group to Dee when the door at the far end of the room opened and Drake stepped in, looking around for Ryo until he spotted the blond man waving from a table near the back. He stopped off to get a coffee as Ryo took the books and leaflets and placed them on the floor near his feet, not sure whether Dee would want him to tell Drake about his recent and unexpected diagnosis.
"Hey McLain," Drake said, sinking into the seat opposite Ryo and letting out a long wearied breath. "What a waste of a morning."
Ryo smiled; glad to have company at last. "Reluctant witness huh?"
"Something like that," Drake replied, rolling his eyes as he sipped the steaming coffee. "So how's Dee?"
Ryo offered the man a small smile as his eyes dropped to study his own drink, gripped between tense fingers. "He's… very quiet."
Drake nodded, understanding what Ryo meant. They'd been so wrapped up with Dee's physical condition that they hadn't stopped to consider the mental trauma he might have endured. "Has he talked about what happened?" he asked gently.
Ryo shook his head. "Not really. Although he did seem to be under the impression that his kidnapper might have done something to me while he was being held hostage."
Drake frowned. "Like what?"
Ryo suddenly looked awkward. "He didn't say exactly but he was so upset about it I think he meant something sexual. He said the kidnapper had been watching our apartment."
"Really?" Drake replied, his eyes widening at the thought Ryo might have been stalked during the entire incident. "Did you see anyone suspicious?"
Anxiety written all over his features, Ryo massaged his temples before he shook his head. "I didn't, but that doesn't mean to say he wasn't there. There were so many reporters lurking around, I probably wouldn't have noticed one more person." When he didn't get a response, he looked up to see Drake gazing at him in concern.
"Are you okay Ryo?"
"Yeah. Just short on sleep I guess. I spent the night dozing in a plastic chair."
"No offence Ryo, but you can tell."
The blond smiled, knowing he probably looked as weary as he felt. "I had to stay with Dee. He needs me."
Drake nodded, not doubting that statement. "So physically though, he's going to be okay? Once his leg's mended I mean."
Ryo's vague reply caused Drake to frown. "Is there something else Ryo? I kinda feel that's not the whole story." The worried expression that greeted him caused Drake to backtrack a little. "If you can't or don't want to talk about then I understand."
"No," Ryo said, "It's not that… I… I could do with someone to talk to but I don't want to be disloyal to Dee."
"Is Dee really ill?" Drake asked, worried by what he was hearing. He watched as Ryo sighed, mentally debating his current dilemma, knowing he would have to say something to prevent Drake from assuming Dee had some terminal illness.
"He's… he's just found out he has diabetes. The insulin-dependant type."
Drake looked stunned, clearly not expecting what Ryo had just told him. "Oh wow, how's he taken that?"
Ryo shook his head sadly. "It's hard to say. Like I said, he's been pretty quiet since he regained consciousness. When the doctor told him, he just looked blank. I'm not even sure he took it all in."
"That's understandable," Drake replied, "My cousin Sarah found out she was diabetic when she was in her teens. It took her ages to accept it; she just wanted to be the same as her friends."
"That must have been tough," Ryo acknowledged. "Please don't say anything to anyone Drake. I don't want Dee thinking I've gone round telling people."
Drake shook his head emphatically. "I won't say a thing but Dee will probably need to tell people, especially when he's back at work. Sometimes diabetics can find themselves in situations where they're too sick to help themselves so it's essential that friends and colleagues know what to do to help them."
"Do you mean if they go hypoglycaemic?" Ryo asked, checking he'd understood what he'd just read.
Drake nodded. "Exactly. If everyone around Dee knows what to do if that happens because well…
"It could make the difference between life and death," Ryo said, finishing Drake's sentence to let the other man know he didn't need protecting from the consequences of Dee's illness if it wasn't carefully managed. Ryo's companion nodded grimly. "Yeah, but a good routine can help Dee avoid situations like that. Sarah's been diagnosed ten years now and I'm sure she barely has to think about her diabetes management. She's learnt her life doesn't have to revolve around the fact that she's diabetic."
Ryo smiled gratefully, glad that he'd confided in Drake. The younger man's reassurance was needed at this juncture in his life, especially with other issues weighing heavily upon him. It was almost as if Drake sensed the blond's train of thought as he said, "D'you want to talk about that memo you found from Rose?"
Ryo looked up from his cup of tea, his expression filled with angst. With everything that had happened with Dee he'd pushed that to the back of his mind but now it needed addressing. "I just couldn't believe what I was reading," he said, shaking his head in disbelief, "After I'd asked Rose too about what we would have done if we hadn't found Dee yesterday."
"I know," Drake replied, still finding it hard to take in himself. "Lying bastard! Seriously though, I think Henry Goldsmith has something to do with this. Don't ask me why, but I just feel there's something going on…"
"But what can we do?" Ryo asked, "Rose can't know I've seen that memo. It was in a pile of stuff that looked like it was going to be shredded."
"We can't do nothing either," Drake said firmly. "Like you said Ryo, what if we hadn't found Dee?"
The thought made Ryo shudder and for a moment he couldn't find his voice. Dee could have died if another twenty four hours had passed and the fact that Rose would have blocked attempts to use their main bargaining chip to get him released chilled him to the bone. He was pulled from his thoughts by a touch on his outstretched hand. "Don't worry about it for now Ryo. I'll keep an eye on things at work with Rose and Goldsmith; you just concentrate on being there for Dee. He's the priority now. Just because Rose let him down doesn't mean you have to."
Knowing Drake was right and the situation with Rose could wait, Ryo nodded, his mind turning back to Dee. "Have you taken some time off?" Drake asked.
"Yes but I don't want to be off for too long. I think Dee will need me more when he's back home."
"You're probably right," Drake replied as their attention was jointly drawn to the nurse that walked into the refectory and seemed to be scanning the room for someone. When she noticed Ryo, she hurried over, offering both men a friendly smile of greeting. "Detective McLain?" she asked, addressing the tired-looking blond. "Dee's out of surgery now so you can come down to the recovery room to sit with him if you want."
Ryo stood quickly, ignoring the half-drunk cup of tea on the table. Drake did the same, knowing Ryo would want to get to Dee as quickly as possible. "Well take care Ryo and ring me if you need anything, even if it's just to talk. And don't worry; I won't say anything to the guys about Dee. Just tell him that we're all thinking about him and can't wait to see him back at the precinct. Oh and, be prepared for a visit from JJ. We're barely able to restrain him now so what he'll be like in a few days…"
Ryo managed a smile as Drake rolled his eyes comically before they followed the nurse out of the refectory. They parted at the door, Drake pulling the other man into a firm and supportive embrace and promising he would be in touch before he made for the stairs, turning back just in time to see Ryo and the nurse stepping into the elevator that would take them to Dee. Once they had gone, Drake headed back to his car, determined that when he got back to the station he would do a little checking on Henry Goldsmith… and Berkley Rose for that matter.
The nurse directed Ryo into a private room, similar in décor to the one he and Dee had spent the night in. Other than the bed and a single visitor's chair that they had set out for him, knowing he wanted to sit with the other man, there was no other furniture and Ryo wished for not the first time that he could take Dee home and nurse him in the comforts of familiar surroundings. She explained briefly that the operation had been a success; his leg had been re-set and encased in a fresh knee-to-toe cast before she exited the room, leaving the two men alone. His lover was sleeping, his chest rising and falling in steady motions as Ryo studied him, his heart bursting with love. Until Dee decided to talk, Ryo had no idea what had befallen his lover during his days in captivity and, as he lowered himself into the visitor's chair, he continued to pray that whatever had happened, it would be nothing that they couldn't get through together. Dee's recent diagnosis of diabetes complicated things when he had so much to deal with already but Ryo felt confident that the fighting spirit he'd fell in love with would shine through in time.
Almost half an hour had passed before Dee showed any signs that he was starting to come round. Seeing the movements, Ryo pulled his chair closer and gently took up one of Dee's slack hands. He wanted the other man to open his eyes and see that he was there for him as he had promised before he had gone into surgery. Eventually, glazed emerald eyes flickered open, staring directly up at the ceiling for a moment before they came to rest on the handsome but tired blond by his bedside.
"Hey," Ryo said gently, smiling as Dee stared at him blankly for a moment. "How you feeling love?"
Dee swallowed hard in an attempt to lubricate his unused vocal chords. "I've felt better," he croaked as Ryo pushed dark strands of hair away from his face. He suddenly closed his eyes, his expression a mask of discomfort as he attempted to pull himself up the bed. "Well?" he said as he got more comfortable and turned to look at Ryo once again. "Are we back to square one?" The blond detective frowned before he realised Dee was referring to his leg and the operation that had just taken place.
"The nurse said everything had gone well," Ryo replied, giving his hand an encouraging squeeze. "And I think the cast's smaller than the one you had last time."
"That's good," Dee said sleepily. "Thanks for being here."
"I promised, didn't I?" Dark eyes watched the other man for a moment before he said quietly, "I'm so sorry Dee. All of this… I just…"
"It's okay," Dee said, not wanting his lover to apologise for things that were beyond his control. "We got it wrong, thinking they were after you."
"But…"
"Please," Dee snapped, and Ryo couldn't fail to miss the trace of anger in his voice. "I don't want to talk about it now." Although Dee wasn't looking at him, Ryo nodded submissively, startled by his reaction. "Okay Dee, but I'm here for you if you do want to talk."
As his anger subsided, Dee turned and offered the other man a thin, tight-lipped smile. "I know," he said quietly. "I just need to think about other things for a while. Tell me what's happened over the last week. What's been in the news?" Despite his drowsy state he was quick to catch Ryo's somewhat awkward expression. "What?" he asked curiously, seeing his lover's reluctance to speak.
Finally Ryo began an answer. "I've tried not to watch much news this week since… well since we've been the main story for most of it." He sighed heavily, seeing Dee wanted a fuller answer. "The press found out you'd been kidnapped… then they found out about us. Since then, our lives have been picked apart almost daily. They just loved the fact that there was a homosexual twist to this already juicy drama. When they found out about Bicky, they started debating whether gays and lesbians should be allowed to look after children." He paused and sighed wearily. "It's been… difficult."
"I'm sorry," Dee said almost inaudibly, feeling guilty that their lifestyle would bring his lover so much anguish. Hearing the apology, Ryo's eyes widened. "Oh God no, Dee don't apologise! I didn't mean it like that." He scrubbed a hand through his dark blond locks, frustrated at how that had come out. "God, that sounded so selfish, worrying about what others think when you…" He stopped suddenly, realising he was returning to a subject Dee had clearly marked out of bounds for the time being. Needing to change the subject quickly, he glanced around the room before his eyes came to rest on the literature at his feet.
"I've been doing some reading… about diabetes. I think I understand more about it now."
Dee's blank expression prevented Ryo from concluding whether his lover was pleased or not by his actions. "That's great," he said finally although he certainly didn't sound like he meant it.
"I could leave you the books," Ryo said helpfully, "They're very well written and there are details of support groups…"
"Fine," Dee said sharply before he turned to lie on his side, facing away from Ryo. He hated this feeling of weakness that seemed to clamp down on him whenever anyone suggested that he might need help. He knew he it was wrong of him to be angry at Ryo but he couldn't help the bitterness in him from flaring when he was reminded that he was sick and injured. "Look Ryo, if you don't mind I'm still pretty tired. You should get home to Bicky while I get some rest. You can come and see me tomorrow." The tone of his voice indicated that he'd meant it as an instruction more than an offer and Ryo stood slowly, stunned that, if he was hearing things rightly, Dee was telling him to leave.
"Uh... okay," he said, wishing Dee would turn and look at him so he knew how his lover really felt. "I'll call back later on but if you want me sooner just ring and I'll be straight back. I love you Dee," he said finally, unable to disguise the hurt in his voice.
"I love you too," Dee replied although he stayed facing the wall as he spoke. Realising the conversation was at an end, Ryo turned and left, his heart breaking that his lover wouldn't reach out to him when he was clearly in so much pain. As he headed back down the corridor, he encountered the nurse that had loaned him the books and leaflets earlier that morning. She smiled as she saw him approaching. "Hello again. Did you find out what you needed to know?"
"Yes thank you. Those books were very useful." Ryo just about managed to return the smile but when it didn't quite meet his eyes, the nurse frowned. "I know it seems like an incredibly complicated illness at first," she said kindly, assuming his distress was because of what he'd read about, "but it is manageable."
"I know," Ryo replied, his anguish finding its way into his voice, "It's… I…"
Sensing he was about to break down, the nurse led him by the arm to an empty side room and guided him towards a chair. She watched him carefully for a couple of moments until the emotion seemed to pass and he managed to look at her directly. "I'm sorry," he said apologetically, feeling foolish that lately he seemed to be unburdening himself on anyone who'd listen. "I've just been with Dee but… he won't talk to me or even look at me. I want to help him but how can I do that if he won't let me?"
The middle aged nurse smiled at him sympathetically as she reached across and took hold of his hand. "Many people react like this when they're diagnosed with something so serious. They can be in denial for a long time or they can get angry with everyone and everything. He's probably thinking 'why me?' and even though he wouldn't wish such an illness on you, he's likely to be wondering why it had to happen to him and not you or anyone else he knows. People who've been particularly healthy all their lives also find it a huge blow."
Ryo nodded, trying to recall the last time Dee had been off work sick and failing miserably. "Just try and stay strong for him," the female medic continued, "He'll want to talk in time and if you keep letting him know that you're there for him, then his first stop will be you. In the light of everything else that he's been through, Dr Sims will be referring him to a counsellor so he can get some professional help too."
Ryo acknowledged the information with relief, glad that he wouldn't have to shoulder the burden of having to repair Dee's damaged psyche on his own. He'd all but freaked out when Dee had just pushed him away temporarily; how would he cope if his lover demanded something more permanent as he tried to come to terms with everything?
"Don't worry," the nurse said, pulling Ryo from his thoughts, "Although it is a long, hard road, you'll get to the end of it eventually. And Dee will love you even more if he knows you've been there for him all that time."
Ryo managed a grateful smile as he pushed his hand through his hair and took a deep breath. "I'd better go," he said, although the reluctance was clear in his voice. "Please remind Dee that he can call me if he wants me back here at any time. I'll be coming back anyway later on."
The nurse smiled and nodded. "I'll tell him and when you come back later, check with the receptionist as he'll probably be moved from Critical Care later. Now go home and get yourself some rest and try not to worry."
TBC…