DISCLAIMER: Same old, same old.
Author's Note: Thank you once again to all of my beautiful, intelligent, witty, suave, eloquent, dashing, and kind reviewers. Please keep it up!
~~Chapter Five~~
I went to my cappuccino brewer to make myself a quick cup for energy. The warm hiss of the apparatus was almost as soothing as the foamy liquid itself. The bittersweet taste of the coffee reassured me. After all, I could hardly imagine that the situation could get any worse than a scrabble- playing, McCarthy-loving, witch who broke my best vase.
As my door opened, I turned and spat out my cappuccino. Apparently it could. In my doorway stood not one, but TWO fairy tale characters. A short, squatty, young man in princely garb (however, not near as fine as Prince Charming's), who's skin was an odd, light green hue, and was covered in warts. The appearance of the young lady who stood next to him nearly screamed, "PRINCESS!" She had waist-length blonde hair, the color of gold, which fell in ringlets the size of goblets. Her eyes were sapphire blue and her skin as fine and flawless as porcelain. She wore a tall, pointy hat with scarf tassels dangling from it and was covered from head to foot, in pink. Pink pointed hat, pink scarves, pink dress, and get this...pink pearls. I could not see her shoes for the fluffy pink skirts, but had I been able to I would have no doubt that they would be rosy-colored. She also stood a good foot taller than her toad-like counterpart, who was currently squatted on the floor.
The pink princess stood there examining her cuticles while the gentleman with the warts croaked, "Hello."
"Hello," I choked, "I am Dr. Higgenbotham, and you are?" I leaned forward to take the manila folder from his slightly webbed hands.
"Hi Dr. Higglebopper, I'm Princess Daisy," she giggled as she held out a perfectly manicured hand and then said is a slightly less enthusiastic tone, "and this is my husband, Prince Frederick Alfred Bartholomew."
"I prefer Fred," the little green man said quietly.
Having learned much from my previous clients that day, I chose simply not to reply. Instead I examined the manila folder. "You are here for marriage counseling I see?"
Princess Daisy gave a very theatrical sigh, "Yes, it's been terrible! I've been whining and complaining to the Brother's Grimm for months now to change our fairy tale so I can marry..." here she giggled a bit, "Prince Charming. But they dragged their feet and dragged their feet...I had to threaten to hire a divorce attorney before they would do anything about it!" Her lower lip stuck out and she pouted prettily.
I gestured for them to take seats on the sofa and resumed my questioning, "Well Fred," I said to the poor man married to such a prima donna, "How do you feel about all of this?"
"He's like, so...I don't know...sullen!" the princess answered.
"That's lovely miss, but I need to hear your husband's point of view."
"I like flies," the young man said quietly, looking down at the carpet.
I blinked, considered the statement, coughed a little, and loosened my tie. I could feel a migraine coming on.
"Are there any particular conflicts of interest in your union?"
"Huh?" Daisy asked, looking bewildered.
"Things you and your husband don't agree on," I explained.
"He likes flies."
Where was that Excedrin when you needed it? "So I understand. Anything else?"
"Aside from the fact that we both possess a mutual appreciation for kareoke bars and Chinese Checkers, we differ exceedingly in most areas of academic interest, and aesthetic fields, particularly on the status quo of amphibian themed interior design." The princess and I both stared at the wart-covered man for a few moments as he proceeded to ignore us and use his extensive, sticky tongue to trace a lily-pad pattern on my Chippendale coffee table. He continued, "That, and the fact that I like to eat flies."
The princess waved her hand in a prissy manner, "What he said."
I rubbed my temples with my fingertips. Potted plant, potted plant, just remember the potted plant. "Miss Daisy, I take it that you do not care for your husband's preference for an amphibian lifestyle?"
She screwed up her face, "No! It smells when he leaves lily-pads around the castle, and I simply can't kiss a person who likes to eat flies! I mean, could you?"
"That's the complete element doc. Daisy can't accept that I am what I am. She used to kiss me, but no! Not now! Just because I like flies!"
"Yes, I believe we have established that you like flies Fred!" I noticed that my voice was raised slightly and made an effort to lower it.
Daisy, however, was just getting started, "What do you mean I won't kiss you? I KISSED YOUR SLIMY FROG LIPS TO FREE YOU FROM THAT BLASTED CURSE!!!!!!! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
"Yeah, great, one time. So now I have to put up with being human without the benefits?! Where's the love huh? I need lust! LUST! LUST! LUST! LUST! LUST!" he stood up and began to jump on the sofa.
There was a creak of the door opening and Martha stuck her head in, "Is everything all right?"
The princess answered for me, "My husband is being very rude to Dr. Hillybottom. I'm terribly sorry."
"Hillybottom?" Martha mouthed to me and I shrugged. She retreated behind the door and I wished that I could join her.
I pulled Fred back down onto the sofa and tried to redirect the course of the conversation, "What I am seeing here is a simple loss of romance in your marriage."
"A loss of romance?" the princess looked horrified.
"I'll believe it," the frog prince muttered in disgust.
"I have a few suggestions if you care to hear them. I think they just might help save your marriage." I waited for the OK from the couple, and not receiving any visable or audible sign, simply continued right ahead. "First, make a few compromises. Fred, brush well and use mouthwash before kissing your wife. Daisy, you may want to engage him in some underwater lip locking." Their eyes flickered with interest.
"And by the way, I happen to be in touch with a very skilled interior designer by the name of Kris Kringle. He may be able to incorporate Fred's aquatic desires with Daisy's comfort lifestyle."
"Wow, like, thanks Dr. Hopperbiggle!"
"Astute suggestion! Ingenious!"
The couple turned to each other, "Darling, let us rekindle the embers of our love!" The prince attempted to embrace his wife, but before he could get to close she shoved a Listerene breath mint into his mouth.
The ecstatic couple pranced out my doors and I laid back in my arm chair and laughed hysterically. This day just kept getting better and better.
Author's Note: Thank you once again to all of my beautiful, intelligent, witty, suave, eloquent, dashing, and kind reviewers. Please keep it up!
~~Chapter Five~~
I went to my cappuccino brewer to make myself a quick cup for energy. The warm hiss of the apparatus was almost as soothing as the foamy liquid itself. The bittersweet taste of the coffee reassured me. After all, I could hardly imagine that the situation could get any worse than a scrabble- playing, McCarthy-loving, witch who broke my best vase.
As my door opened, I turned and spat out my cappuccino. Apparently it could. In my doorway stood not one, but TWO fairy tale characters. A short, squatty, young man in princely garb (however, not near as fine as Prince Charming's), who's skin was an odd, light green hue, and was covered in warts. The appearance of the young lady who stood next to him nearly screamed, "PRINCESS!" She had waist-length blonde hair, the color of gold, which fell in ringlets the size of goblets. Her eyes were sapphire blue and her skin as fine and flawless as porcelain. She wore a tall, pointy hat with scarf tassels dangling from it and was covered from head to foot, in pink. Pink pointed hat, pink scarves, pink dress, and get this...pink pearls. I could not see her shoes for the fluffy pink skirts, but had I been able to I would have no doubt that they would be rosy-colored. She also stood a good foot taller than her toad-like counterpart, who was currently squatted on the floor.
The pink princess stood there examining her cuticles while the gentleman with the warts croaked, "Hello."
"Hello," I choked, "I am Dr. Higgenbotham, and you are?" I leaned forward to take the manila folder from his slightly webbed hands.
"Hi Dr. Higglebopper, I'm Princess Daisy," she giggled as she held out a perfectly manicured hand and then said is a slightly less enthusiastic tone, "and this is my husband, Prince Frederick Alfred Bartholomew."
"I prefer Fred," the little green man said quietly.
Having learned much from my previous clients that day, I chose simply not to reply. Instead I examined the manila folder. "You are here for marriage counseling I see?"
Princess Daisy gave a very theatrical sigh, "Yes, it's been terrible! I've been whining and complaining to the Brother's Grimm for months now to change our fairy tale so I can marry..." here she giggled a bit, "Prince Charming. But they dragged their feet and dragged their feet...I had to threaten to hire a divorce attorney before they would do anything about it!" Her lower lip stuck out and she pouted prettily.
I gestured for them to take seats on the sofa and resumed my questioning, "Well Fred," I said to the poor man married to such a prima donna, "How do you feel about all of this?"
"He's like, so...I don't know...sullen!" the princess answered.
"That's lovely miss, but I need to hear your husband's point of view."
"I like flies," the young man said quietly, looking down at the carpet.
I blinked, considered the statement, coughed a little, and loosened my tie. I could feel a migraine coming on.
"Are there any particular conflicts of interest in your union?"
"Huh?" Daisy asked, looking bewildered.
"Things you and your husband don't agree on," I explained.
"He likes flies."
Where was that Excedrin when you needed it? "So I understand. Anything else?"
"Aside from the fact that we both possess a mutual appreciation for kareoke bars and Chinese Checkers, we differ exceedingly in most areas of academic interest, and aesthetic fields, particularly on the status quo of amphibian themed interior design." The princess and I both stared at the wart-covered man for a few moments as he proceeded to ignore us and use his extensive, sticky tongue to trace a lily-pad pattern on my Chippendale coffee table. He continued, "That, and the fact that I like to eat flies."
The princess waved her hand in a prissy manner, "What he said."
I rubbed my temples with my fingertips. Potted plant, potted plant, just remember the potted plant. "Miss Daisy, I take it that you do not care for your husband's preference for an amphibian lifestyle?"
She screwed up her face, "No! It smells when he leaves lily-pads around the castle, and I simply can't kiss a person who likes to eat flies! I mean, could you?"
"That's the complete element doc. Daisy can't accept that I am what I am. She used to kiss me, but no! Not now! Just because I like flies!"
"Yes, I believe we have established that you like flies Fred!" I noticed that my voice was raised slightly and made an effort to lower it.
Daisy, however, was just getting started, "What do you mean I won't kiss you? I KISSED YOUR SLIMY FROG LIPS TO FREE YOU FROM THAT BLASTED CURSE!!!!!!! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
"Yeah, great, one time. So now I have to put up with being human without the benefits?! Where's the love huh? I need lust! LUST! LUST! LUST! LUST! LUST!" he stood up and began to jump on the sofa.
There was a creak of the door opening and Martha stuck her head in, "Is everything all right?"
The princess answered for me, "My husband is being very rude to Dr. Hillybottom. I'm terribly sorry."
"Hillybottom?" Martha mouthed to me and I shrugged. She retreated behind the door and I wished that I could join her.
I pulled Fred back down onto the sofa and tried to redirect the course of the conversation, "What I am seeing here is a simple loss of romance in your marriage."
"A loss of romance?" the princess looked horrified.
"I'll believe it," the frog prince muttered in disgust.
"I have a few suggestions if you care to hear them. I think they just might help save your marriage." I waited for the OK from the couple, and not receiving any visable or audible sign, simply continued right ahead. "First, make a few compromises. Fred, brush well and use mouthwash before kissing your wife. Daisy, you may want to engage him in some underwater lip locking." Their eyes flickered with interest.
"And by the way, I happen to be in touch with a very skilled interior designer by the name of Kris Kringle. He may be able to incorporate Fred's aquatic desires with Daisy's comfort lifestyle."
"Wow, like, thanks Dr. Hopperbiggle!"
"Astute suggestion! Ingenious!"
The couple turned to each other, "Darling, let us rekindle the embers of our love!" The prince attempted to embrace his wife, but before he could get to close she shoved a Listerene breath mint into his mouth.
The ecstatic couple pranced out my doors and I laid back in my arm chair and laughed hysterically. This day just kept getting better and better.