Crash and Burn
Chapter 15 – The Patience of Job.
At the hospital Ryo headed to the ward Dee had been moved to the previous day. He went straight to Dee's room and knocked hesitantly, not knowing whether Rose was still there. Someone shouted 'come in' and he stepped into the room to find a lone nurse changing the bed sheets.
"Oh sorry," Ryo said contritely, "I was looking for Dee Latener, the man that was in this room?"
The woman in her early twenties straightened up as Ryo entered. "He's gone to the day room I think. It's just down the hall on your right." The nurse smiled and rolled her eyes. "I'd watch out though. He's in a pretty bad mood. He wanted to go somewhere for a cigarette but Dr Sims wouldn't let him. Dr Sims didn't really want him to be up and about so soon but he was threatening to discharge himself if he didn't get him some crutches."
Ryo returned the smile although he couldn't help but feel anxious that Rose's visit might have had something to do with Dee's black mood. Another part of him however was proud that Dee's fighting spirit seemed not to have been dampened any by his injuries.
After thanking the nurse, he set off back down the corridor to where she had directed, quickly finding the day room, occupied only by a solitary patient sat at the window, his casted leg resting upon a small coffee table as he stared out at the freedom he could only dream of at the moment.
"Dee?" Ryo said cautiously as he stepped into the room, not wanting to startle his lover.
Dee turned and smiled as he saw Ryo, his features flooding with relief. Ryo saw the expression and took it as green as he crossed the room and threw his arms around the other man. Happiness filled him as he felt the gesture being returned; Dee hugging him tightly as if he couldn't bring himself to let his lover go. When he did loosen his hold, Ryo reached up and gently took his battered face in his hands. "I love you Dee," he said softly, prepared to say it a million times if it helped his lover believe it.
Dee nodded almost imperceptibly. "I love you too," he replied, his small smile fading quickly. "I'm so glad you came Ryo. I thought… well, I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd never come back again after how I treated you yesterday. I don't know why I keep reacting like that but… well, I've seen a counsellor today. She seems nice and she thinks she can help me. I don't really like the idea of seeing a psychiatrist but if it stops me from scaring you away then I'll do it."
Ryo stroked his unblemished cheek lovingly; anxious to reassure the troubled man that he had no intentions of leaving him. "I'm here for the duration Dee. I'll only go if you insist that that's what you want." He paused and smiled warmly, his heart bursting with pride. "But even then I'll probably not believe you so I guess you're stuck with me."
Dee smiled and seemed to brighten at this news and Ryo felt so elated by this that he forgot all about why he'd rushed to the hospital in the first place. All he could think of was what he'd just been reading about and his plans to wait a little longer before he asked Dee suddenly went out of the window.
"Dee?" he said, breaking the silence that had descended, "There's something I want to talk to you about." His sudden nervousness as he started to fish in his pocket made Dee frown. Eventually he pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to his lover who took it from him and started to read. "Same-sex joining ceremonies?" he queried as he looked up from the print out. "Ryo? Are you…?"
"… Asking you to marry me?" Ryo answered, finishing his sentence for him. "Yes I am." Unable to contain his smile, he slipped off his seat and knelt before his lover, who still looked completely stunned. He took up one of Dee's hands and caressed it gently as he gazed up into those deep green eyes that mesmerised him every time he looked. "I love you so, so much Dee, I just want to show you how much I'm committed to you and our relationship. Please say you'll do me the honour of marrying me?"
There was no response as Dee continued to look stunned as he attempted to take in exactly what Ryo was asking him. Although he was bisexual, he'd never really contemplated marriage but he wasn't in any doubt that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Ryo; he'd just never considered making it all official. However as he looked down at his beautiful lover, his heart sank. He couldn't marry Ryo; not now. Being burdened with health problems was bad enough but the lies Rose was forcing him to tell were something else. He'd vowed never to keep things from his beloved partner and while he couldn't be honest with him… he couldn't marry him.
The prolonged silence was enough to tell Ryo he wasn't going to get the answer he desired. His smile slowly faded, replaced by a look of deep sadness. "Dee?" he said dejectedly, "Is that a no?"
The younger man covered his face with his hands; something Ryo noticed he was doing a lot lately when he didn't want to talk. He stayed that way for several moments before a muffled voice emanated from between his fingers. "I do love you Ryo, it's just…"
"You don't want the commitment?"
"No!" he replied hastily, dropping his hands and allowing Ryo to see the sincerity in his eyes. "Officially or not, I'm committed to you until God drags me kicking and screaming off this earth. There's just too much going on at the moment for me…"
Ryo nodded glumly, mentally kicking himself for being too hasty when Dee clearly had so many other things to contend with. "I'm sorry Dee, I just thought it would cheer you up."
Dee smiled and pulled Ryo up off the floor and into his arms. "It has … really has. Just ask me again in a few months. How about that?"
Ryo smiled and nodded as he enveloped Dee in a loving embrace. Only once his face was out of Ryo's eyesight did Dee allow his own smile to slip as he thought of Rose and how he'd managed to come between them yet again.
Ryo stayed for a couple of hours, somehow managing to keep the conversation away from any of the topics that Dee seemed uncomfortable with. They talked about Bicky, the apartment, maybe taking a holiday when things had settled down. For a moment it seemed like there was nothing out of the ordinary, other than they were holding the conversation in a hospital day room. The kindly Dr Stephens stopped by at one point, bringing with her the small electronic device that would measure Dee's blood sugar level, which he did as Ryo watched on interestedly, eager to learn. The pin prick of blood showed his levels were fine and she left them alone shortly afterwards, informing Dee that she would be back just before he was due to have his evening meal to help him with his insulin. Their solitude was interrupted again shortly afterwards when Dr Sims entered the room, although he did come bearing good news. The surgery to repair the wound on Dee's face was scheduled for tomorrow and it was likely that the day after, he would be allowed home.
The two men greeted this news with huge smiles of relief. Dee hated hospitals and would have probably jumped at the chance of going to the moon if it meant not staying in a medical facility any longer. Ryo on the other hand just wanted his lover home as although he couldn't fault the care given to Dee by the nursing staff, he just knew that the other man would make a speedier recovery, both physically and mentally, with his love and devotion. Eventually Ryo had to leave, acutely aware that Bicky had returned from school to an empty apartment far too many times lately for his liking.
Despite Dee turning down his proposal of marriage, albeit temporarily, Ryo couldn't help but think and hope that their fortunes were finally starting to turn around. They had the perpetrators of both the Goldsmith attempted kidnapping and Dee's abduction in custody and Dee himself seemed to be coming to terms with his illness and what had happened to him over the previous week. In his happiness he completely forgot to ask Dee about Rose's visit and it was only later, as he lay alone in bed, that he realised Dee had never once mentioned it to him while he was there. It seemed strange that he hadn't said anything but further contemplation was prevented as his weary body succumbed to the temptation of sleep.
Two days later, Ryo finally achieved his wish and had Dee back at home. There had been some journalists waiting outside the hospital as Dee was released but they were unsuccessful in gaining any information from the injured party as he was hurried into Ryo's car and driven away. Bicky was still at school as they reached the apartment; Ryo had deliberately planned it that way to give his lover time to readjust before the rambunctious teen got home. He held the door for Dee who hobbled into the apartment on his crutches before he picked up the other man's bags and made to follow him in but Dee had stopped. He seemed to have frozen; his expression blank as he surveyed the place he hadn't seen for almost a fortnight.
"Dee, are you okay?" Ryo asked from behind him.
Dee turned slightly and offered him a small smile. "Yeah… it's just a bit weird. I feel like I've been away forever."
Ryo put his bags back down and slipped his arms around the taller man's waist. "It's felt like forever not having you here," he said, speaking the words directly into Dee's ear. He tightened the embrace as he felt Dee lean against him, clearly wanting his support.
"Come on," Ryo said encouragingly as he let go of his lover and picked up the bags, "Let's get in so you can get your feet up."
"Ryo," Dee growled warningly as he took a few steps forward. "I don't need you fussing over me twenty four hours a day. You didn't need to take the day off work either."
Ryo watched as he moved around the apartment, taking in his surroundings as if it was all new to him. He still seemed tense and Ryo was sensitive not to upset his precarious emotions. Over the last few days Ryo had likened it to walking a tightrope. One minute he seemed to have perfect balance; talking and laughing with Dee as if nothing had ever changed and the next, one wrong comment would act like a sudden gust of wind and would send him tumbling. At that moment he was in danger of falling; he needed to regain his balance and fast.
"Well, I've got to go and put some washing in and stuff," Ryo said, unzipping Dee's holdall and pulling out the dirty clothes. He almost added 'shout me if you need anything' but this was all part of his rebalancing act and he held the comment back. Dee watched him pick up the clothes to be washed, slightly surprised that Ryo wasn't offering him any assistance. When his lover went into the kitchen, he plonked himself on the couch and sat there for several moments before realising that the television remote was, somewhat inconveniently, across the room on top of the television. His first instinct was to look around for Ryo but the other man had disappeared into the bedroom to collect his own dirty laundry. Reaching for his crutches, he hauled himself upright and hobbled across the living room to retrieve the device. Half way across the room, he caught sight of his reflection in the large mirror that hung over the fireplace.
Changing his direction, he manoeuvred himself in front of the glass so he could study his reflection. A wearied face stared back at him, partially obscured by the large piece of gauze taped across his left cheek. He had been assured that the skin graft had been a success and any scarring would be minimal but his reaction had been muted. He'd have taken a scar any day of the week over the life-long condition he was now having to come to terms with. As he contemplated his recent diagnosis, he thought nervously of what lay ahead in the next few hours. The hospital had deliberately waited until after lunch to discharge him so Dr Stephens, the diabetes specialist could be on hand to monitor his midday insulin injection. From almost as soon as he was diagnosed, Dee had handled them himself but this evening would be the first time he would have to do it without the doctor present. They had offered to send a nurse out to help him with his final injection of the day and the first away from the hospital but Dee had declined the service, feeling that the sooner he got on with it on his own, the sooner it would become a part of his everyday life.
Deciding against television, he hobbled over to his holdall and removed a small black case, which he jammed under his arm as he made his way over to the dining table. Sitting down in one of the tall backed chairs, he carefully unzipped the receptacle, similar in size to a small toiletry bag, and started to remove the contents. Alongside the palm sized electronic device used to monitor his blood sugar levels, there was a supply of syringes, several vials of insulin and something that looked like a pen which contained a spring loaded needle for pricking his finger to take a blood sample. The kit was designed to be portable but Dee couldn't help but think it seemed a lot of equipment to always have to be carried around. He held up one of the vials and studied the contents wondering how something so small and seemingly insignificant could now have the responsibility of keeping him alive.
At that moment, Ryo emerged from the bedroom and saw Dee at the table; the sight of him hunched dejectedly over as his diabetes kit almost stilling his heart. He put the clothes he was carrying down and walked over to him, deliberately treading heavily so he wouldn't startle him before he wrapped his arms around Dee's slender frame. He didn't realise Dee was crying until his lover started to speak, his voice thick with tears. "Why me?" he cried, his anguish plain. "Why can't things be like they were before Ryo?"
The question was childlike but it was honest and from the heart. His own eyes filling with tears, Ryo moved around so he could hold Dee properly as his lover mourned for his life that would never be the same. He held him, stroking his hair tenderly as the sobs grew quieter and the tremors in his body ceased. When they pulled apart, he reached up and brushed the tears from Dee's cheeks before he took his face gently in his hands, mindful of the newly repaired wound.
"I love you Dee," he said, looking deeply into the glassy emerald eyes that stared back at him, filled with pain. "Nothing's changed about the way I feel about you. Isn't that what matters?"
He held his breath until Dee nodded, sniffing back more tears, no trace of anger in his expression. Ryo had been rightly nervous, knowing how volatile Dee's emotions were at that time, and he was never sure whether he had said the right thing until he received a positive reaction from his lover. "Come on," Ryo said, offering him a gentle smile, "I'll leave the washing; let's go and curl up in front of the TV together for a few hours before Bicky gets home."
Ryo stood and held out his hand, his smile broadening as Dee took it and allowed the blond man to pull him into a standing position. He looked around for his crutches but Ryo had other ideas as he knelt slightly and, placing a hand carefully on the back of Dee's legs, scooped the dark haired man into his arms in one deft movement.
"Ryo!" Dee exclaimed, his bright green eyes wide with surprise as he threw his arms around Ryo's neck. "What are you doing?"
Ryo couldn't help but laugh at Dee's expression. "If I can't treat my lover like a king then who can I lavish all my attention on?" Before Dee could protest, Ryo had carried him into the living room and laid him carefully on the couch. "Here," he said, crossing the room and snatching up the remote control which he threw to Dee. "You choose what we can watch while I slip into something more comfortable." The blond detective had picked Dee up from the hospital straight from work and therefore was still dressed in his suit. Dee laughed as Ryo started to finger his tie suggestively. "Can I watch?" he called as Ryo disappeared into their bedroom.
"Later," came the chuckled reply before he re-emerged wearing a plain white t-shirt and a pair of baggy track pants. "So what are we watching?"
Several peaceful hours had passed before a key sounded in the lock signifying Bicky was home from school. Both men had dozed off at some point during the old movie they'd been watching and neither woke up as the African-American teenager stepped into the apartment. When he saw the two men sleeping, wrapped in each other's arms, he smiled slightly thinking that maybe things weren't too bad after all. Ryo had told him it wasn't a good idea to visit Dee at the hospital and although he hadn't said much more than that, he hadn't been able to disguise his unhappiness every time he'd come back from visiting his lover.
Bicky had rightly been worried but the expression of contentment on Ryo's face was something he hadn't seen for so long and it cheered him to know that his guardian could stop being unhappy at last. As he dumped his bag on the floor, Dee stirred, his eyes eventually coming to rest on the source of the noise that had woken him.
"Hey squirt," he said sleepily, allowing his head to flop back onto the cushion as Ryo dozed against his chest.
Bicky offered him a scowl by way of response, although it was a half-hearted expression of annoyance. "Hey yourself, and it's Bicky, not squirt."
"I know, but I like 'squirt' better."
Bicky snorted as he headed into his bedroom and opened the door. Just before he was about to disappear inside however, he paused and turned back to face the ebony haired man. "Welcome home Dee," he said quietly, offering him a quick smile before went into his room and closed the door behind him. The noise awoke Ryo who turned in Dee's arms so he could see his lover's face. "Bicky's home," Dee announced as Ryo rubbed his face, trying to wipe away the drowsiness. "He is?" he replied, "Where's he gone?"
Dee smiled and stroked the blond sleep-mussed hair. "He went into his room, hopefully to do his homework."
Ryo nodded before he raised his wrist to check the time on his watch. "I better start on dinner," he said, stifling a yawn and making to get up. Dee however held him fast. "Stay here," he complained, not wanting his warmth to leave him. "I'm not that hungry anyway."
An anxious expression passed across Ryo's handsome features and Dee was quick to recognise it. "I know, I know," he said, wanting ease his lover's worry, "I have to eat." Reluctantly he unlocked his arms but could resist pinching Ryo's bottom as he stood up and stretched. "Hey!" the blond man chided, with a slight smirk twitching at the corner of his mouth. "Don't touch what you can't afford!"
Dee laughed as Ryo shot him a pseudo-haughty look before he disappeared into the kitchen to make the dinner. Shortly after some delicious smells started to waft in from the kitchen, Bicky emerged from his bedroom and plonked himself down in the armchair opposite Dee. "Hey idiot," he said grinning at the ebony haired man, "Wanna play some video games?"
Dee laughed and shook his head. "Sure, why not?" he replied as Ryo popped his head from around the kitchen doorway. "Dee?" he said, his expression fixed with the perpetual seriousness that his lover hated. "Dinner's about half an hour away."
Bicky frowned, not sure about the significance of the comment but Dee nodded grimly. "Can you pass me my stuff," he asked, his voice suddenly lacking its usual confidence. Ryo disappeared for a moment before he returned with the small black bag, which he handed to Dee, glancing quickly at Bicky who was in the process of setting up the Playstation. "Do you want me and Bicky to leave you alone?" he asked tentatively as Dee started to unzip the bag. The blond teenager looked up at the strange comment to see Dee shake his head. "No, that's not necessary." He paused, the silence punctuated by a thin-lipped smile. "I can't send you out the room every time I need to do this."
With hands that felt clumsy through nervousness, he used the pen-like object to prick the tip of his finger before depositing the drop of blood on the appropriate part of the blood glucose monitor. After several seconds the gadget bleeped, giving him his reading, which he studied for a moment before reaching for a syringe and a vial of insulin. He could feel the weight of Bicky's stare as he prepped the needle and lifted the material of his hooded top to expose the firm olive skin beneath. He knew Ryo would be watching too as he took a deep breath before dispensing the contents of the syringe into his stomach.
Relief flooded over him once he knew he'd completed the task and he looked up at last to offer Ryo a reassuring smile. Bicky still looked stunned and Dee caught a barely audible 'shit' as the boy gawped at him in disbelief. Ryo shot the blond teen a disapproving look, partly for the profanity, partly for the way he was staring at Dee as if he'd grown a second head but Dee however was too preoccupied with the fact that he'd handled the injection on his own to care what Bicky was doing. He packed the equipment back in the small black case and placed it carefully on the coffee table, eventually looking across at the teenager who was sat, still frozen with a Playstation controller in each hand.
"Are we playing or what?" Dee said, pulling a face at the boy in an attempt to draw him from his stupor. Bicky responded by making a similar face before he threw one of the controllers to Dee and hopped back into the armchair. They did battle up until Ryo informed them that their dinner was ready. Using his crutches, which Bicky retrieved from the kitchen for him, Dee made his way to the table as Ryo brought out the steaming plates of food. As the three took their seats, Bicky and Dee exchanged puzzled glances; not sure what it was Ryo was trying to feed them. Ryo saw their faces and but ignored them as he picked up his fork and began to eat. However he was unable to maintain his silence for much longer as he watched Bicky push the food around on his plate as if he expected it to bite him. "It's broccoli Bicky," he said sharply, "It won't kill you." He was annoyed to see Dee also looking at him dubiously.
"What?" he asked glaring at them both. "It's Broccoli, mushroom and ham casserole."
"Oh right," Dee said nodding thoughtfully. "And you just decided to make it even though we've never had it before?"
"Yes," Ryo replied firmly as he skewered a large piece of broccoli and popped it into his mouth.
"So it wasn't out of that diabetic cookbook I saw hidden behind the breadbin?" Dee asked; his bright emerald eyes trained upon his lover, waiting for the other man to look up. Ryo flushed and although he never responded verbally, the splash of colour on his cheeks gave away his guilt.
"Jesus Ryo," Dee snapped, dropping his fork, which clattered onto the plate before falling off and splattering the table with mushroom pieces. "I may stuck with a lifetime of weird meals but you can still feed the kid normal food," he said gesturing at Bicky who still hadn't put any of the casserole in his mouth.
Ryo looked up suddenly, his expression angry. "Don't be such a baby Dee! This is normal food and yes, it is from the cookbook I bought but so what? Since I'm responsible for most of the meals in this family I thought I'd better find out what foods are good for you and what's the harm in us all indulging in a little healthy eating?"
There was an angry silence as the two men eyeballed each other. Eventually Dee stood quickly, his exit marred by the need to struggle into his crutches before he could leave the table. He almost fell over as he bent to pick the metal sticks up whilst balancing precariously on one leg but even Bicky didn't laugh as he straightened up and limped away towards the doors that led out to the small terrace. He left the doors open as he stormed out and soon, the smell of smoke began to drift in through the living room.
Ryo shook his head and started to eat again, determined to ignore Dee's show of temper. Bicky had also begun to eat quietly; surprised that the dish was actually quite tasty but feeling it better to hold his tongue than make the comment to his tense looking guardian who was stabbing viciously at a piece of ham as if he had a personal vendetta against it. After a while Ryo's anger started to dissipate and worry set in; Dee hadn't eaten and showed no signs of coming back in. His lover could be unbelievably stubborn, even over a row as trivial as this but somehow, Ryo sensed there was more to Dee's outburst than what floated on the surface. With the realisation Ryo sighed, acknowledging that he had fallen off the tightrope yet again.
TBC…