Crash and Burn

Chapter 16 – A Cross to Bear

Out on the balcony, Dee leaned heavily on the railings as he blew a long stream of smoke out into the night sky. It felt good to be able to indulge in the vice again; in hospital, and particularly before he was allowed on crutches, the nursing staff maintained they were too busy to take him outside where he could smoke and so he'd been forced to abstain. He suspected they were hoping he would use the situation to try and quit but it merely made him more resolute to continue. Dr Stephens had given him the usual lecture, informing him that it was particularly unhealthy in the light of his diabetes but he had shrugged and informed her that giving up something he enjoyed wasn't very high on his agenda at that time and so she had grudgingly let it be for the time being.

As he stubbed out the cigarette and flicked it off the veranda he closed his eyes and sighed heavily. He knew he'd hurt Ryo; the man was so tough but easily hurt when it came to matters of the heart. He thought back to the discussion he'd had with the psychiatrist when she'd tried to explain things from Ryo's perspective. What was it she'd said? 'He probably feels like he's treading on eggshells when he's around you.' He hated the thought that he would make Ryo feel that way but the permanent look of anxiety on his lover's face every time they were together told him her theory was probably correct. Another sigh preceded the decision that he had to go in and apologise. Gathering up his crutches he turned, jumping slightly as he came face to face with Ryo standing in the open doorway leaning lightly against the frame, his honey blond hair blowing gently in the breeze.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly before Dee could speak. "I didn't set out to upset you."

Dee lowered his head, ashamed that Ryo thought he needed to apologise when he was the one clearly at fault. "Don't be sorry," he said, eventually lifting his eyes to meet his lover's. "I'm the one that needs to apologise." He looked down at his hands as if he expected to find the answers there. "This anger… I barely recognise myself Ryo. I don't know what's wrong with me." He looked up and Ryo couldn't miss the vulnerability in his eyes. "I'm sure the meal was great but… it was different and I… I don't want things to be different. I know that seems childish but I need to pretend nothing's changed Ryo. I need to…"

Before he could say anymore, he found himself wrapped in Ryo's strong embrace. With his crutches dangling from his wrists, Dee reached up and returned the gesture, savouring the closeness of his lover for as long as it would last, grateful for Ryo's patience.

"Come on," Ryo said eventually, murmuring into Dee's ear, "Let's go in. You need to eat so you'd better come and decide what you do want. I promise you don't have to have any broccoli." He was relieved when he felt Dee chuckle, not sure whether his attempt at humour would tip him off the tightrope or help him regain his balance. Fortunately though, it was the latter.

He cooked Dee a replacement meal which still satisfied both the man in question and the recommendations of his new diet before they watched some more TV with Bicky. There was an item on the news about the arrest of the kidnapper and Dee's rescue, supported by shaky video footage of the two of them, plus several uniformed cops as they battled their way through the reporters that had been waiting outside the hospital earlier that day. Dee made a face as he saw himself struggling from the wheelchair and into the car as cameras flashed repeatedly and questions were fired at him and his lover, which they both pointedly ignored. Eventually they turned the set off and retired to bed, agreeing that it had been an extremely long day. Ryo was keen to see that his recovering lover got adequate rest and Dee didn't argue; feeling weary and ready to retire. He checked his blood sugar level one more time; relieved to see that the reading was well within his target levels before they headed off to bed.

Once inside the bedroom, Ryo helped Dee out of his track pants; recalling in a deja vu like fashion when he had done the same just before Christmas, which had led to their first encounter of a more sexual nature. He had gained much more experience since then, both in pleasuring his lover and himself and he knew that he only had Dee to thank for his increase in confidence in this area of his life. As his dark haired lover pulled his t-shirt off over his head as he sat on the edge of the bed, Ryo could feel himself becoming aroused; the sight of the beautiful body before him making him hot with desire. Instinctively he reached out to touch the firm chest but Dee caught hold of his hand before he could caress the olive planes of skin and muscle. "Ryo…" he said, noting the lust in his lover's eyes and wishing he felt differently than he did. "Is it alright if… if we don't…"

He couldn't seem to finish the sentence, but Ryo could tell from the anxious expression on Dee's face that sex wasn't on his mind. His initial response was to feel hurt; Dee had never pushed him away before but Ryo reminded himself that the events of the last couple of weeks had changed things whether he liked it or not. Offering the other man a reassuring smile, he used his free hand to reach up and touch Dee's face gently. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to do," he said firmly but kindly, "If it makes you more comfortable I can sleep on the floor if you want."

Dee shook his head and took a deep and wearied breath, sick of the way his emotions continued to confuse and betray him. "No… I want you here. I… I need you to hold me." He sounded slightly embarrassed at the admission, not wanting to alert even his own lover to the vulnerability his abduction had caused. He needn't have worried however as Ryo stripped down to his shorts, climbed into bed and held his arms open in a manner of invitation. Dee smiled, relaxing slightly as he lifted his casted leg onto the bed and crawled over to lie on Ryo's firm chest.

Once his lover was comfortable, Ryo wrapped his arms around the younger man, ignoring the slight twinge of sadness that came with the realisation that their roles had been reversed. He, Ryo was by no means the weaker of the two but Dee's natural air of confidence marked him out as the more dominant partner in their relationship. In this position, it was Ryo that was normally being held and so it felt strange to know that Dee had requested that Ryo hold him the way that he usually offered to the blond man. He eventually drifted off to sleep, assuming Dee had done the same from the lack of movement or conversation.

In fact, Dee was still very much awake and he stayed that way until the glowing red digits on the clock turned to four am. He'd never mentioned it, knowing Ryo worried excessively about anything, but since his rescue he'd never actually managed to get a decent night's sleep. Insomnia was something Dee had never experienced and he knew it was more than coincidence that he'd developed this inability to sleep at the same time that he'd been kidnapped, beaten and held hostage for five days.

Eventually though, his wearied body forced sleep upon him and he managed a few hours of rest, waking suddenly as the sun streamed in through the window, leaving him sluggish and disorientated. The bed seemed strangely large and empty before Dee realised he was no longer in hospital and was in fact back at home. The realisation brought with it the awareness that he normally shared this bed with someone else and he reached out to find his lover, his heart rate escalating when he couldn't find him.

"Ryo!" he shouted, sitting up suddenly and looking around the room, "Ryo, where are you?" Panic started to set in and his breathing became more erratic as his mind filled with images of his lover being snatched while he had slept. "Ryo!" he cried; the tone of his voice fearful, "Oh God, please be okay!"

Alerted by the cries, the door flew open and Ryo rushed into the room, his face a mask of worry. He was wearing only a towel and his hair and upper body were covered in droplets of water, indicating he'd heard the shouts as he'd stepped out of the shower and had rushed to his lover's aid without stopping to dry himself off first. By then, Dee was hyperventilating. "Shhhhh, take deep breaths," Ryo said in a soothing voice as he sat down quickly and swept Dee into his arms. After several long moments, the dark haired man's breathing returned to normal and Ryo spoke to him, his voice still deep and reassuring. "What's the matter, love? I was just in the bathroom."

He could feel Dee's heart pumping against his damp chest as the other struggled to verbalise an answer. "You weren't here," he said, sounding slightly haunted as he spoke, his voice muffled as he buried himself in the comforting embrace. "I, I thought…"

He never finished the sentence but Ryo assumed it was similar to the things that he thought had happened when he'd been hallucinating; gripped by fever. Eventually Dee pulled away, suddenly looking awkward and embarrassed by his panicked reaction. "I'm sorry Ryo, Jesus you can't even take a shower without me freaking out." He rested the heels of his hands against his eyes and sighed. "I feel like I'm going insane. That psychiatrist would probably section me if she knew about this."

Ryo reached up and gently pried his fingers away from his face so he could have eye contact. "You're not going insane," he said firmly, "These are just reactions to everything you've been through but you need to tell your counsellor," he urged, "She'll have dealt with similar situations plenty of times." He paused, contemplating his next sentence before he decided to say it anyway. "When my parents were killed, I started having panic attacks. Nothing specific seemed to trigger them; I just freaked out at everyone and everything. I refused counselling for a while but things eventually got so bad that my aunt forced me to get professional help. The psychiatrist I saw helped me explore those feelings until they lessened and eventually stopped altogether. I'm here for you Dee but it is important to talk to someone who's qualified to deal with the things you're experiencing. She can only help you if you're honest with her though."

He stopped speaking and watched as Dee nodded slowly, reluctantly assenting to Ryo's request. The blond smiled before he leaned in and kissed Dee gently on the forehead, a droplet of water from his hair splashing on his lover's olive skin and running down the side of his nose. Ryo chuckled and wiped it away, relieved to see Dee smiling too. "Let me get dressed and then we can fix breakfast okay? What time do you have to be at the hospital?"

Dee frowned as he tried to recall the time of his appointments. "I'm seeing the psychiatrist at ten and I have an appointment at the diabetic clinic at eleven. Are you sure you're okay to take me? I don't want Rose busting your ass…"

He stopped as Ryo shook his head firmly. "He won't. Drake is covering for me until I've dropped you off and then I'll book the afternoon off so we can spend it together."

"But…"

"Don't worry," Ryo replied, cutting him off, "Rose won't say no."

Dee smiled at the determined look on his lover's face, realising that he sometimes underestimated how strong Ryo was. "Thanks," he said gratefully, "but I probably won't be much company if I'm all talked out."

"That's okay," Ryo said smiling warmly, "I enjoyed just lying with you yesterday. We can do that again if you don't feel up to anything else."

Dee nodded, suddenly feeling bold and leaning forward to kiss his lover. "Thank you Ryo, for being you."

"No problem," the other replied, "Now d'you need a hand getting dressed or anything?"

When Dee shook his head in response, Ryo headed back to the bathroom to finish getting ready. As he left the bedroom, Bicky suddenly appeared from the living room looking somewhat anxious. "Is Dee okay?" he asked, his face creased into a frown. "I heard him shouting. Was he having a nightmare?"

Ryo sighed as he pushed his damp hair back from his face. "I don't know," he replied in a low voice, not wanting Dee to overhear them talking about him. "He just a little on edge at the moment." He smiled despite his own concerns, not wanting to worry the young man. "He'll be okay though. We just have to look after him."

The boy nodded; his expression grave. He very rarely showed any feelings towards Dee other than annoyance and irritation but the fear he'd heard in Dee's voice when he'd called out for Ryo had told the perceptive youth that all was not well with the normally confident and outgoing detective. Again, he reaffirmed his decision not to give Dee the hard time he normally received whenever they were together.

The three ate breakfast together when Dee was dressed and had checked his blood sugar levels and administered his insulin. Ryo noticed Bicky seemed a little awkward around the dark haired man, as if he wasn't sure what to say and in the absence of his usual barrage of insults, the meal time conversation was fairly limited. Looking up at Dee as he drank his tea, Ryo noted that he looked particularly tired and wondered just how much sleep he'd actually got. He'd assumed that his lover would have slept soundly once he was home and in his own bed but judging by the somewhat vacant look in his normally vibrant green eyes, that hadn't been the case.

At ten to ten, the two men pulled up at the All Saints' Hospital. Ryo had wanted to let Dee out near the door so he wouldn't have to walk from the car park but the other man had insisted that he preferred the greater distance with Ryo by his side than having to go in on his own. Two weeks ago, Ryo knew that Dee's reaction to this situation would have been very different. The normally self assured man wouldn't have thought twice about being left alone for what would have been a matter of minutes while he found a parking space but now… His loss of confidence was worrying Ryo and although he tried to convince himself that Dee's anxiety was only temporary, he couldn't help but feel like he was grieving for something that he had loved and would maybe never see again.

Glancing across at Dee as he shut off the engine, it was impossible to know what the other man was thinking or feeling. He was wearing a dark blue baseball cap and sunglasses as a precaution if there were any news reporters hanging around, therefore masking his normally expressive features. An item about his rescue had been on the news again that morning, with the general public eager to hear the fate of the kidnappers, now the accomplice was finally in custody. No doubt they would be after a quote from the victim himself now that a statement issued by the twenty-seventh precinct had confirmed they would be pressing charges against both men, but Dee was not interested in being in the public eye.

As they left the car, Dee slipping his arms into his crutches and starting across the car park on one leg with Ryo by his side, they noticed a smartly dressed woman heading in their direction, fixing them both with a charming smile. 'Shit' Ryo said internally, realising she had 'reporter' written all over her. The only positive in this situation was at least she was alone.

"Detective Latener," she said smiling brightly as she drew close. "How're you feeling?" She glanced across at Ryo and nodded her head. "Detective McLain," she said by way of greeting.

Dee paused and glanced at Ryo in confusion wondering if she actually knew them, such was her apparent familiarity with them both. "Come on Dee," Ryo said firmly, taking his arm to start him moving again. Dee seemed to realise she was neither friend nor colleague by Ryo's action and he spun to face her angrily.

"Look," he hissed between clenched teeth, "Why don't you just fuck off?"

She looked surprised by his sudden aggression but not the least bit put off, her journalistic tenacity suddenly coming into play. "Now Detective Latener, don't you want the world to know your side of the story? I'm from the New York Enquirer and I can make you an extremely lucrative offer for the exclusive rights to your story."

The tug on his arm was more insistent but Dee remained immovable. Ryo could see his breathing becoming more erratic as his chest heaved in and out in anger and he started to fear what Dee would do next. He was right to be worried as Dee's hand shot forward and he grabbed the woman by the collar of her blouse and lifted her up, his crutch dangling from his arm as he dragged her up to his face. "What part of 'fuck off' don't you understand?" he growled as he balanced precariously on one leg.

"Let me go!" she yelled angrily, struggling within his iron grip. "Jesus, what's your frigging problem you psycho?" She freed herself from his hold, although not without ripping the delicate fabric of her blouse. "Shit," she said crossly, fingering the damaged material before she smoothed a hand across her immaculate blonde haired. "That was Gucci you idiot."

"Well he told you to leave," Ryo said sharply, glaring at the reporter as he finally succeeded in getting Dee to move. He was relieved to see she wasn't following nor shouting threats that she was going to sue for assault or damage to an over-priced item of clothing as he kept a firm hand on Dee's arm as they headed to the main doors. "Are you okay, love?" he said quietly, noticing that his lover seemed to be shaking, although he wasn't sure whether it was in fear or anger. "Just about," came the reply as the automatic doors swished open and granted them entry.

With a quick smile at the receptionist, the two men headed straight for the elevator and the fourth floor, just as they'd been instructed to do. They had advised Dee to come directly to the general ward to prevent any reporters knowing the reasons for his attendance at the hospital; indeed the nurse in charge informed them when they reached the ward that since Dee had been discharged, they had fielded a number of phone calls from so-called 'friends and well-wishers' inquiring about his condition. Despite being repeatedly told that patient information was confidential, they persisted in phoning, eager to find out exactly what had happened to the detective as a result of his abduction.

Polly Andrews, the psychiatrist appeared as the clock turned to ten o'clock, smiling warmly at Dee before her eyes lit on Ryo. The two men stood from their chairs in the waiting room, Dee finally pulling off his hat and glasses as if he suddenly felt safe in her presence.

"Ms Andrews," he said before a quick frown from the attractive redhead forced him to self-correct, "Polly… this is Ryo, my partner." He paused and smiled quickly at the handsome blond at his side who was currently shaking hands with the psychiatrist. "Also my soulmate, confidante, best friend and my reason for being."

Ryo blushed profusely as Polly chuckled. "That's one hell of an intro," she said in admiration as she let go of his hand. "Even though I could already tell from what Dee's said that he's crazy about you."

Ryo's own smiled widened as he affectionately touched Dee's shoulder. "Well, I'll let you get on," he said, knowing he needed to get to the station before Rose realised he wasn't there. "I'll be back here at twelve unless you ring me to say you want picking up sooner."

Dee nodded although there was a slight flicker of fear in his eyes at the thought of being parted, even for just a couple of hours. Ryo recognised the look and brought his hand up to caress his lover's cheek. "It's okay," he said gently, "I'll be back in no time at all and you can always ring me on my cell phone if you get worried." He glanced quickly at Polly, not sure if he was doing the right thing by allowing Dee to be so dependant on him but she smiled and nodded, reassuring him that it was okay.

Feeling confident that his lover was safe in her hands, Ryo gave him a quick kiss before he left. As he walked away down the corridor he just hoped Dee would be honest about his feelings in order for her to help him. He knew Dee found it difficult to put his pride on the shelf and admit he needed help but he sensed that his attractive psychiatrist recognised that too.

"Okay, Dee," Polly said once they had made themselves comfortable in the perpetually empty day room. "How have things been since I saw you last?"

It was an open question, deliberately designed to get Dee talking about the intervening time period without specifically asking whether he had had any problems and he recognised the strategy straight away; after all, he'd had extensive training on questioning at the academy. The tall dark haired man swept a hand through his hair and smiled a wan smile at his counsellor. "Things have been… variable."

The redhead raised an eyebrow indicating she wished him to continue. Dee sighed and contemplated where to start, suddenly feeling very self conscious. "I just don't seem to be in control of my emotions any more. One minute everything seems okay, the next I'm really angry and literally minutes later I'm crying like a goddamned baby. I'm exhausted; it's like being on a permanent rollercoaster."

"That's understandable," she said nodding gently, "So how do you feel right now?"

"Right now?" Dee repeated, considering the question before he gave answer. "I don't know… Unsettled."

"Any particular reason?"

Dee fingered the sunglasses in his lap for a moment. "We just had a run-in with a reporter in the parking lot. She was trying to make me an offer for my story. I just got so angry because she wouldn't go away." He paused and shook his head. "It's a good job Ryo was there because God knows what I would have done otherwise."

She could see that the near loss of self-control had worried him. "Did you ever feel in danger of doing things you might later regret before you were abducted, Dee?" The answer required serious contemplation and for a moment he was silent. When he did speak, his answer was preceded by a thin smile.

"I've always been what you might call 'hotheaded' and I'll admit there have been times when I've almost done things that would have certainly cost me my job, if not my life but I've always pulled myself back from the brink just in time." The smile faded, replaced by a dark expression. "Now, I'm not so sure I'd be able to."

She nodded thoughtfully. "Just before, when Ryo left, you looked a little worried. Can you tell me what that was about?"

Dee wrung his hands nervously, feeling so wretched at his vulnerability. "I… I keep having dreams where Ryo is taken from me. When I had a fever I had similar hallucinations and I thought they'd stop but they haven't. I start to panic and then I can't breathe…" Finally, pained green eyes lifted up to meet sympathetic brown. "It's irrational I know, but I just don't want to let Ryo out of my sight. I can't let anything happen to him. I hate feeling this way," he said quietly, before his tone turned angry. "I don't understand why I'm being so stupid."

"You're not stupid Dee," she reassured him, "Do you want to talk about what happens in these dreams? Would that help?"

"No," he said clamming up almost instantly. "I don't want to talk about them."

"Okay," she said gently, watching him carefully as he turned to stare out of the window, clearly lost in his own thoughts. Although she knew very little about him, she sensed these sessions evoked a huge battle of wills within the troubled man. Clearly he found sharing his feelings with another person very difficult but she wasn't sure whether this was a result of what had happened to him or whether there were issues in his past that made him so defensive. She made a mental note to probe this line of thought further, knowing that she would have difficulty helping him if he could not begin to help himself.

TBC…