DISCLAIMER: Cows.
Author's Note: Thank you to those who did review. To those of you who did NOT...shame on you!!!!!!!!! Now go read this story I have written for you and REVIEW!!!! (btw: OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.)
Chapter Ten
Martha stood there for a few minutes, frozen in shock, her mouth feebly opening and shutting in stunned silence as she contemplated the newly waxed hardwood floorings. Her eyes traveled from floor to furniture, to windows, to desk...to me, and then down to her hands (which were fidgeting with a piece of copy paper), where they remained as she shook her head and sighed.
Today her apparel ensemble was coordinated along a sort of bovine theme. The pantsuit was fashioned of cowhide print cloth and two bronze cowbells hung from her ear lobes. Her eyeglasses hung from her neck by a chain of alternating black and white beads and...get this...her heels sported twin heifer heads.
I waited patiently for her to come to her senses. I must admit that I fully understood her shock. Although I am a naturally clean and tidy person...I am a man. And that fact alone prevents me from completely managing to assess the hygienical needs of my home and office on a continuous basis.
At last Ms. Washington turned towards me and spoke, "Mr. Higgenbotham, I have come to give you my letter of resignation. And to inform you that I will be transferring my belongings to the Brother's Grim Fairytale Mafia Headquarters immediately."
"Oh Martha, please...I...I don't know what I'll do without you!"
Her eyes lingered on the Persian rug where my last client had been rubbing ointments on to my bare chest...it had been an awkward moment.
"You seemed to be doing just fine on your own," Martha said in a quiet, dangerous tone, animosity dripping from her every word.
"Look, what happened...it's just a misunderstanding...I appreciate you more than you will ever know...I..."
She cut me off in a hurried tone, "I'd best be on my way. Your next client is waiting for you."
And with that, Martha Washington turned and walked out of my office.
I sank into my desk chair and buried my face into my hands. Why in Heaven's name couldn't I just forget her? Oh well. I had hit rock bottom and there was no place to go but up.
So I thought. The moment my next clients walked into the office I realized that no matter how bad a situation is...it can always get worse.
There were seven of them. Seven! As if my life couldn't get any worse! Seven dwarfs sporting knee-length beards and soiled clothing, carrying pickaxes and humming a strange tune.
"H-h-hello..."
The tallest of the midgets returned my rather stunted salutation, "Greetings." His voice was deep and sounded as thought he desperately needed to clear his throat.
Trying to regain my composure I stood and walked over to the Lilliputians to ask for their file. However, upon reaching them I discovered that I towered over them twice their size and that it was a rather awkward position to be in. Of course I could kneel down, but wouldn't that be insulting them?
I coughed a little and said, "May I see your file please?"
The same tall dwarf (who I had by now established as the leader of the pack) handed me his manila envelope and they scattered about the room, dispersing themselves about various pieces of furniture.
I opened the file and read through the contents as I returned to my desk, on which was perched the tiniest of the pygmies. He was clean-shaven, as though he had never had facial hair in his life and had ears that seemed too large for his head and wore the brightest grin as his fiddled with my pens and other gadgets. I scooted him off the growing pile of character files and added this one to the top.
"So...I am Dr. Higgenbotham, psychologist. May I ask your names?"
The leader rose and stated, "I am Adolf, and these are my brothers: Benno..."
Benno stood and bowed graciously, "Delighted to make your acquaintance good sir."
"Conrad..."
"Ya gotta spittoon 'round here? I gotta wadda tobacca needs getting' rid of." Finding it difficult to respond I watched as another dwarf handed him my remaining porcelain vase (the antique made in 13th century China and valued at 30,000 dollars I might add) and he spat his wad of tobacco and saliva into the urn.
The dwarf set the vase at the tobacco-chewing midget's feet and leaning to whisper in my ear said, "I'm Dedrick. Professional bookie. You want the point spread on the Raiders' game? I can get it...minimal charge." He adjusted the silk tie of his Armani suit and winked at me with a capped- tooth smile.
"No thanks," I said hurriedly and pushed him back to his chair.
Adolf, slightly perturbed by the interruption, continued, "This is Edmund..."
Edmund was something of a character if you will forgive the pun, being the only clean-shaven dwarf besides the one currently toying with my stapler on my desk. He wore ripped and baggy black clothing that had been pinned together with safety pins and had painted his nails black and wore dark makeup all over his face. "Yo. Wha's goin' down bro?"
Oh for goodness sake...
"This is Franz..."
"Dude...like your office is so unpolluted...it totally reflects your environmental views man... rock on...say...you don't mind if I smoke some MaryJane do ya?" His eyes were glazed over and the tie dyed T-shirt he wore bore a slogan saying, "Pacifism is the light."
Adolf paused for a moment and said, "You'll have to forgive him...Franz is rather liberal and I don't think has ever realized the 60s ended forty years ago." He glanced around at he rest of his clan, "We think it might be best not to tell him."
I nodded and turned to the last pygmy sitting atop my desk and gently tugged the stapler away from him as he was trying to staple my earlobe. "And who might you be?"
The kid just smiled this huge dopey looking grin and started punching buttons on my scanner.
"Ah, that's Gunter...he doesn't speak."
"Is there something wrong with him?"
"Fear not good sir, 'tis not that a disease ails our youngest brother...'tis that he has never attempted utilize his tongue."
Oooookay.....
Fabulous. A head honcho, a Shakespearean, a hick, a bookie, a gangster, a hippie, and a mute idiot. Boy was I in for a fun afternoon. Right.
"I must admit, you aren't what I've been expecting."
Edmund snorted, "Dag yo, whacha want? Duplicates?"
Franz took a long drag off his joint, "Dude...you are so obtuse...we like, totally want identities..."
"Yeah! Them varmints, the Brother's Grimm is always tryin' ta make us identical!"
Adolf held up a hand for silence, "We are concerned that in fables we are known simply as 'The Seven Dwarfs'. No one even knows our names!"
"So this is why you are all so radically different?" I couldn't see why this was a problem that needed treatment. Infact I found this to be a rather ingenious solution to the common identity crisis.
"Infact, there's only one real similarity between us!"
"Oh, what's that?" I asked absently, not paying attention.
"We're all gay!"
Talk about a reality check! The thoughts in my mind came to a screeching halt and I sat upright. "Say that again?"
"Thou must understand, we are homosexuals."
"You're kidding."
"Oh come on," Dedrick picked a speck of lint off his blazer, "Seven males all living together, who haven't 'gotten any' since 1972...NOT hitting on Snow White? Give me a break. Of course we're gay."
Wow. Did not need that image.
"Honestly, I can't understand how no one else has picked up on it before," Adolf scratched his chin.
I stood and looked around. Seven homosexual dwarfs all only coming up to my belly button, sitting around talking about Snow White's sex appeal. Not a good situation.
But Hell...I'm pretty liberal myself...why not?
Franz's eyes were watering as he inhaled the last of his joint. "So dude...looks like you're having a little trouble...in the ladies department..." He sniffed and began rooting around in his bag for more marijuana to roll.
Ok, this was not the way I wanted the conversation to turn.
"Yeah, that there secretary of yours looked mighty put out!"
I sighed, "She thinks I under appreciate her."
"Dost thou?"
"No! It's just that...well...sometimes I have a hard time expressing my feelings."
The gay men exchanged knowing looks and Dedrick slid up next to me. "You know, if you need a more subtle way to say you love her I've got diamonds...lots of diamonds. And Rolexes too." He opened his blazer to display his numerous "high quality" watches. "I can give you a discount. Ten dollars, what do you say?"
"I say I'd rather not."
"But remember, 'faint hearts never won fair lady'!"
"But she's leaving...probably already moved into her new office!" I sighed in desperation.
"It's never too late!" Adolf cried.
"But what can I do?" I cried.
There was a sudden silence and then, from my left, came a very small voice, "I have an idea."
Author's Note: Thank you to those who did review. To those of you who did NOT...shame on you!!!!!!!!! Now go read this story I have written for you and REVIEW!!!! (btw: OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.)
Chapter Ten
Martha stood there for a few minutes, frozen in shock, her mouth feebly opening and shutting in stunned silence as she contemplated the newly waxed hardwood floorings. Her eyes traveled from floor to furniture, to windows, to desk...to me, and then down to her hands (which were fidgeting with a piece of copy paper), where they remained as she shook her head and sighed.
Today her apparel ensemble was coordinated along a sort of bovine theme. The pantsuit was fashioned of cowhide print cloth and two bronze cowbells hung from her ear lobes. Her eyeglasses hung from her neck by a chain of alternating black and white beads and...get this...her heels sported twin heifer heads.
I waited patiently for her to come to her senses. I must admit that I fully understood her shock. Although I am a naturally clean and tidy person...I am a man. And that fact alone prevents me from completely managing to assess the hygienical needs of my home and office on a continuous basis.
At last Ms. Washington turned towards me and spoke, "Mr. Higgenbotham, I have come to give you my letter of resignation. And to inform you that I will be transferring my belongings to the Brother's Grim Fairytale Mafia Headquarters immediately."
"Oh Martha, please...I...I don't know what I'll do without you!"
Her eyes lingered on the Persian rug where my last client had been rubbing ointments on to my bare chest...it had been an awkward moment.
"You seemed to be doing just fine on your own," Martha said in a quiet, dangerous tone, animosity dripping from her every word.
"Look, what happened...it's just a misunderstanding...I appreciate you more than you will ever know...I..."
She cut me off in a hurried tone, "I'd best be on my way. Your next client is waiting for you."
And with that, Martha Washington turned and walked out of my office.
I sank into my desk chair and buried my face into my hands. Why in Heaven's name couldn't I just forget her? Oh well. I had hit rock bottom and there was no place to go but up.
So I thought. The moment my next clients walked into the office I realized that no matter how bad a situation is...it can always get worse.
There were seven of them. Seven! As if my life couldn't get any worse! Seven dwarfs sporting knee-length beards and soiled clothing, carrying pickaxes and humming a strange tune.
"H-h-hello..."
The tallest of the midgets returned my rather stunted salutation, "Greetings." His voice was deep and sounded as thought he desperately needed to clear his throat.
Trying to regain my composure I stood and walked over to the Lilliputians to ask for their file. However, upon reaching them I discovered that I towered over them twice their size and that it was a rather awkward position to be in. Of course I could kneel down, but wouldn't that be insulting them?
I coughed a little and said, "May I see your file please?"
The same tall dwarf (who I had by now established as the leader of the pack) handed me his manila envelope and they scattered about the room, dispersing themselves about various pieces of furniture.
I opened the file and read through the contents as I returned to my desk, on which was perched the tiniest of the pygmies. He was clean-shaven, as though he had never had facial hair in his life and had ears that seemed too large for his head and wore the brightest grin as his fiddled with my pens and other gadgets. I scooted him off the growing pile of character files and added this one to the top.
"So...I am Dr. Higgenbotham, psychologist. May I ask your names?"
The leader rose and stated, "I am Adolf, and these are my brothers: Benno..."
Benno stood and bowed graciously, "Delighted to make your acquaintance good sir."
"Conrad..."
"Ya gotta spittoon 'round here? I gotta wadda tobacca needs getting' rid of." Finding it difficult to respond I watched as another dwarf handed him my remaining porcelain vase (the antique made in 13th century China and valued at 30,000 dollars I might add) and he spat his wad of tobacco and saliva into the urn.
The dwarf set the vase at the tobacco-chewing midget's feet and leaning to whisper in my ear said, "I'm Dedrick. Professional bookie. You want the point spread on the Raiders' game? I can get it...minimal charge." He adjusted the silk tie of his Armani suit and winked at me with a capped- tooth smile.
"No thanks," I said hurriedly and pushed him back to his chair.
Adolf, slightly perturbed by the interruption, continued, "This is Edmund..."
Edmund was something of a character if you will forgive the pun, being the only clean-shaven dwarf besides the one currently toying with my stapler on my desk. He wore ripped and baggy black clothing that had been pinned together with safety pins and had painted his nails black and wore dark makeup all over his face. "Yo. Wha's goin' down bro?"
Oh for goodness sake...
"This is Franz..."
"Dude...like your office is so unpolluted...it totally reflects your environmental views man... rock on...say...you don't mind if I smoke some MaryJane do ya?" His eyes were glazed over and the tie dyed T-shirt he wore bore a slogan saying, "Pacifism is the light."
Adolf paused for a moment and said, "You'll have to forgive him...Franz is rather liberal and I don't think has ever realized the 60s ended forty years ago." He glanced around at he rest of his clan, "We think it might be best not to tell him."
I nodded and turned to the last pygmy sitting atop my desk and gently tugged the stapler away from him as he was trying to staple my earlobe. "And who might you be?"
The kid just smiled this huge dopey looking grin and started punching buttons on my scanner.
"Ah, that's Gunter...he doesn't speak."
"Is there something wrong with him?"
"Fear not good sir, 'tis not that a disease ails our youngest brother...'tis that he has never attempted utilize his tongue."
Oooookay.....
Fabulous. A head honcho, a Shakespearean, a hick, a bookie, a gangster, a hippie, and a mute idiot. Boy was I in for a fun afternoon. Right.
"I must admit, you aren't what I've been expecting."
Edmund snorted, "Dag yo, whacha want? Duplicates?"
Franz took a long drag off his joint, "Dude...you are so obtuse...we like, totally want identities..."
"Yeah! Them varmints, the Brother's Grimm is always tryin' ta make us identical!"
Adolf held up a hand for silence, "We are concerned that in fables we are known simply as 'The Seven Dwarfs'. No one even knows our names!"
"So this is why you are all so radically different?" I couldn't see why this was a problem that needed treatment. Infact I found this to be a rather ingenious solution to the common identity crisis.
"Infact, there's only one real similarity between us!"
"Oh, what's that?" I asked absently, not paying attention.
"We're all gay!"
Talk about a reality check! The thoughts in my mind came to a screeching halt and I sat upright. "Say that again?"
"Thou must understand, we are homosexuals."
"You're kidding."
"Oh come on," Dedrick picked a speck of lint off his blazer, "Seven males all living together, who haven't 'gotten any' since 1972...NOT hitting on Snow White? Give me a break. Of course we're gay."
Wow. Did not need that image.
"Honestly, I can't understand how no one else has picked up on it before," Adolf scratched his chin.
I stood and looked around. Seven homosexual dwarfs all only coming up to my belly button, sitting around talking about Snow White's sex appeal. Not a good situation.
But Hell...I'm pretty liberal myself...why not?
Franz's eyes were watering as he inhaled the last of his joint. "So dude...looks like you're having a little trouble...in the ladies department..." He sniffed and began rooting around in his bag for more marijuana to roll.
Ok, this was not the way I wanted the conversation to turn.
"Yeah, that there secretary of yours looked mighty put out!"
I sighed, "She thinks I under appreciate her."
"Dost thou?"
"No! It's just that...well...sometimes I have a hard time expressing my feelings."
The gay men exchanged knowing looks and Dedrick slid up next to me. "You know, if you need a more subtle way to say you love her I've got diamonds...lots of diamonds. And Rolexes too." He opened his blazer to display his numerous "high quality" watches. "I can give you a discount. Ten dollars, what do you say?"
"I say I'd rather not."
"But remember, 'faint hearts never won fair lady'!"
"But she's leaving...probably already moved into her new office!" I sighed in desperation.
"It's never too late!" Adolf cried.
"But what can I do?" I cried.
There was a sudden silence and then, from my left, came a very small voice, "I have an idea."