Crash and Burn

Chapter 26 – Reaching the Limits

With a scary sense of déjà vu, Ryo found himself sitting alone in the waiting room as he waited for news of his lover's condition. Half an hour had passed before the door opened and Dr Stephens stepped into the room, smiling at Ryo as she came to sit beside him.

"How is he?" he asked, feeling ashamed that despite all her advice and teaching about diabetes, they had still managed to wind up with Dee requiring emergency treatment.

"He's okay," she said reassuringly, "He came round about ten minutes ago and aside from feeling a little worse for wear, he seems fine. We'll keep him in overnight just to make sure his blood sugar has stabilised but he'll be able to go home tomorrow."

"That's good," Ryo replied, looking hugely relieved. "Do you know how he got so low? I was out for several hours so I wasn't with him much today," he explained.

The female medic nodded. "Dee thinks he miscalculated his insulin. He says he was feeling very stressed when he came to do his injection before lunch."

Ryo looked shocked, having not recognised that his lover was under so much strain. "I… I didn't know," he said weakly as he gazed down at his hands, "I didn't want him to go back to work so soon but he insisted it was what he wanted."

"I thought as much," Dr Stephens said with a smile, keen to show the other man that she didn't blame him for what had happened. "I doubt you'd have talked him out of it; he certainly is a very wilful man."

Ryo smiled at the accurate description of his beautiful lover. "Most definitely. Can I see him now?"

The doctor nodded, indicating as she stood for Ryo to follow her. She showed him to the appropriate room before disappearing off down the corridor to carry on with her other duties.

Dee looked like he was sleeping as Ryo entered the room but his green eyes blinked open at the sound of the door closing. He smiled as Ryo came to sit beside him, reaching out for his lover's hand and squeezing it gently. He still looked pale; the tone of his skin contrasting strongly with the darkness of his hair.

"Hey," he said hoarsely, noting that his lover's eyes looked suspiciously red. "Sorry if I scared you, baby."

Ryo smiled; not wanting Dee to feel guilty about how much what had happened had frightened him. "Don't worry, love. The important thing is you're okay. How're you feeling?"

"Like I was hit by a bus," Dee replied with a grimace.

"Dee…" Ryo said slowly, "Dr Stephens said you did your insulin wrong because you were stressed. Is something wrong?"

Dee looked unhappy as he turned to gaze out of the window. "I think maybe you were right," he said vaguely.

Ryo frowned. "Right?"

"About going back to work. It's not been as easy as I thought."

Ryo was surprised by the admission. Dee hated being wrong and very rarely admitted when his plans didn't turn out the way he'd expected, so to hear such a confession from his lover was an indication of how he had grown and changed in the face of recent events.

"So what can we do?" Ryo asked; his choice of pronouns reminding Dee that he viewed every problem as a shared conundrum to be solved.

"I don't know," Dee replied, rubbing his dark circled eyes wearily. "I asked Dr Stephens to contact Polly. She's coming this evening to see if we can work something out. The last thing I want to do is quit my job but I just can't cope with constantly being confronted with situations that remind me of what's happened."

Ryo nodded; unable to prevent the slight twinge of jealousy at the fact that Dee had to look to someone else for support. "I'm sure there'll be a solution," he said reassuringly before his face broke into a frown. "I need to get back to work. Rose wants to me in his office straight away. He's angry that he wasn't told about your diabetes."

Dee looked worried that he had gotten his partner into trouble. "It was my choice," he said defensively. "I checked it out; there was no legal obligation for me to tell them at the precinct."

"I know," Ryo said quickly, not wanting Dee to feel like he was being criticised. "But for safety's sake…"

"Yeah well… maybe that's something else I got wrong too."

Ryo smiled and squeezed his lover's hand, glad that he had come to the most sensible conclusion. "Well, I'll go and see what I can do about Rose," he said, making a face at the thought of the verbal dressing down he was likely to receive back at the station.

Dee nodded, wishing he could be with Ryo when he had to face the furious commissioner on their behalf. "Good luck," he said before he leaned forward and kissed the blond man soundly. "Will you pick me up tomorrow?" he asked, as they broke off for air. "They reckon they'll be releasing me about lunchtime."

"Sure thing," Ryo replied with a broad smile as he rested his forehead against Dee's. "Now you just get some rest and promise me you'll ring me if you want me to come back or need anything."

"Promise," Dee said sincerely after they had kissed one last time.

Ryo returned to the precinct with a huge feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach. Rose had looked furious when he had left and in one way, Ryo found he couldn't really blame him. Although Dee was right when he said he wasn't obliged to tell his employer about his condition, Ryo couldn't help but think that it wasn't the most sensible stance to adopt; today's events had proved that.

Before he got out of his car, Ryo called home, leaving a message on the answer machine for Bicky to say that he'd be slightly late getting in from work. He didn't mention anything about Dee; not wanting to worry the teenager by telling him what had happened over the phone.

Most of his colleagues had left for the day but there was a note from Drake telling him to call when he got a minute; obviously anxious to know how his friend and colleague was faring physically and also how Ryo was feeling after everything that had happened. As he climbed the stairs to the fourth floor, Ryo hoped that Rose had left too but the light in the commissioner's office was on as he approached, confirming that the older man was still there, waiting for Ryo to get back. He knocked tentatively, waiting for the invitation to enter before he turned the handle and stepped into the office.

Rose was at his desk, smoking a cigarette as he looked over some papers. He looked up and gestured to the empty chair as Ryo entered, his expression not friendly but not unfriendly either.

"How's Dee?" he asked when Ryo was seated across from him.

"He's okay," Ryo replied, feeling a certain amount of awkwardness at the question since it reminded him of the time not that long ago when he'd yelled at Rose for not caring enough to ask that very same thing. "They're keeping him in overnight but he'll be allowed home tomorrow."

"That's good," Rose said, nodding thoughtfully. "I really would have preferred to have known about his diabetes though."

Ryo felt his prepared protestations sticking in his throat. "I know, Sir," he said eventually, relieved that Rose wasn't angry. "Believe me, I wanted Dee to make it common knowledge, just in case anything like this happened but he was adamant that he didn't want anyone to know." He looked straight at Rose, the anxiety he'd been experiencing at the thought of this confrontation slipping away. "Dee's job means a lot to him, Sir and he hated the thought of people thinking that he wouldn't be able to do it properly any more because of his diabetes."

Rose nodded; identifying with the sentiment. "I'm not angry, Ryo and I certainly believe that I of all people am in no position to criticise anyone for not being open about things."

Ryo looked up in surprise. Rose had deliberately opened that door, sensing that his detective still bore some hostility towards him for everything that had happened with Henry Goldsmith.

"You have every right to be angry with me for what happened, Ryo," he said watching the other man carefully. "There's no excuse for what I did and I don't expect your forgiveness; yours or Dee's, but I don't know how else to make amends, other than to try and do my job well. Trust me; I'm grateful that I still have a job."

Ryo didn't know what to say, surprised that Rose had been allowed to keep his job after everything he'd done. He'd be lying if he said he still respected the other man and he could only pray that Rose didn't ask him as much.

"I know everyone feels differently about me now," Rose said suddenly, breaking into Ryo's thoughts with amazing perceptiveness. "I know when I give orders that you're all looking at me thinking 'why the hell should we take instruction from a liar and a fraud?' I can see it in people's eyes that they don't respect me anymore."

It would have been easy to lie at that point, but Ryo knew he'd only be angry with himself later if he did.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but it's hard to see you in the same light," he said; dark eyes trained upon his senior. "What you did almost caused a good, honest man to lie on the stand, contradicting everything he believes and tries to uphold as a police officer. You can see why people are upset. And me? You hurt the man I love, although God only knows how you got him to agree to lie for you." He shot Rose an angry look. "I don't want to know but it's difficult to respect and trust you after what you did to Dee, especially when he was so vulnerable."

He expected a sharp retort, but Rose remained silent, knowing there was nothing he could say that would take the edge off the truth as Ryo saw it.

"Look," he said eventually, "There's a jeweller's not far from the station that makes medical alert jewellery. It's a good way of letting people know if you have a serious condition without having to go round telling people. It may be just what Dee is looking for. My father had a bracelet because he had epilepsy."

Ryo frowned, appreciating the suggestion but not sure why Rose was bringing it up. "I'll check it out first thing in the morning."

"Some of the medical alert jewellery looks pretty cheap and doesn't last long but there are some really nice items that are around three and four hundred dollars." He paused and looked straight at Ryo. "I'd like you to choose something for Dee and charge it to me at the precinct; call it a welcome back present from the department."

Ryo's eyes widened. "That's not necessary, Sir…"

"Please," Rose said firmly. "I'd be grateful if you'd do that. Besides, your colleagues had organised a collection for Dee so I'm sure they'd want him to have something so useful." He suddenly reached down and retrieved something from one of his desk drawers. "You might also want to get this mended too."

He pushed the small transparent bag across his desk, revealing the solid silver cross that they had received along with the kidnapper's third note, as evidence that he really had Dee held captive. Ryo gasped when he saw it, having forgotten all about the item. "I managed to negotiate it from the DA's office; save it from going on a shelf with all the rest of the evidence," he explained. "I thought you might want to give it back to Dee."

"Thank you," Ryo said, clutching the item against his chest, amazed that the sight of one small piece of jewellery could evoke such emotions within him.

"Go to the jeweller's before you come in, in the morning. I'll give them a ring to let them know you're coming."

Ryo stood from his seat and offered the other man a small smile as he nodded. "Thank you, Sir. I'm sure Dee will appreciate the gesture."

"No problem," Rose replied, returning the smile. "Good night, Ryo."

"Good night Commissioner," Ryo said as he closed the door, feeling a deep sense of satisfaction that he'd had the opportunity to air his grievances.

Shortly after lunch the next day, Ryo arrived at the hospital to collect his lover. In a small bag he carried Dee's newly repaired cross and a beautiful white gold bracelet, bought by the precinct and costing just over four hundred dollars. It had large links; just like one Dee had been admiring several months ago, and a bar on which the Caduceus symbol was engraved. The image of a snake winding itself around a wand was associated with health and would inform people that the wearer had a serious medical condition, particularly if they were unable to say so themselves. On the back, the jeweller had engraved the vital information, 'Insulin Dependent Diabetic' to ensure the bracelet was as practical as it was beautiful. Ryo just hoped that Dee would like it; that his proud lover wouldn't see the item as a symbol of weakness.

He reached Dee's room and found the other sitting on his bed, waiting to leave. Drake had kindly agreed to drop in some clothes for Dee after he'd spoken to Ryo the evening before. He'd been equally surprised at Rose's change in attitude after Ryo had relayed their conversation and they both concluded that it could only be a change for the better. When Ryo had told him about the bracelet, Drake had agreed it was an excellent idea, giving Ryo permission to spend the money they had collected from his colleagues at the precinct. Ryo then explained how much Rose had told him to spend and Drake mischievously replied that he was to ensure that he spent every last cent, particularly if the shortfall from the collection was being made up from Rose's own pocket. Ryo hadn't intended to do it; but the bracelet he had liked best had been the most expensive and so after surprisingly little consideration, he had purchased it; feeling that the cost went at least a little way to righting Rose's wrongs.

"Hey, love," Ryo said, giving the dark haired man a passionate kiss. "Ready for off?"

"Yeah," Dee replied, before his eyes fell on the item in Ryo's hand. "What's in the bag?"

Ryo followed the direction of the green eyed gaze and realised he'd forgotten about the presents. "Oh yeah… these are for you. The smaller box is from me and the bigger one is from everyone at the station. It was Rose's suggestion; I hope you like it."

With a frown of curiosity, Dee retrieved the larger box first and opened it slowly, revealing the heavy white-gold bracelet. His face broke into a smile as he lifted it out and fingered it carefully. His eyes fell on the engraved snake design and he looked up at Ryo questioningly.

"It's the Caduceus symbol," Ryo explained. "It's called a medical alert bracelet which tells people about your condition if they found you unconscious. Rose suggested it so you wouldn't have to feel like you had to go around telling everyone you were diabetic." He watched as Dee turned the item of jewellery over and read the inscription on the back. "If you don't like it…" he started to say.

"I love it," Dee said with a smile. "And I think it's a great idea… even if it came from Rose," he added as an afterthought.

Ryo laughed as Dee slipped the bracelet over his wrist and admired it for a moment. "Was there something from you as well?" he asked, looking back into the bag and seeing the smaller box nestled at the bottom. "You really shouldn't have, baby."

Ryo remained silent as Dee opened the box, his expression changing with the action. "Is this…?"

"Yeah," Ryo said gently. "The kidnapper sent it with one of his communications. It would have just gone into the evidence boxes but Rose got it back; he thought you might want it so I got it repaired."

Dee looked up at Ryo, his eyes filled with emotion. "Thank you," was all he managed to say before they embraced each other, staying that way for several long moments as their emotions resettled. When they parted, Ryo took the silver cross and fastened it around his lover's neck; smiling happily to see it back where it belonged. With the presents out of the way, Ryo stood and picked up Dee's crutches from where they were leaning against the wall and handed them to him.

"Come on, let's get out of here," he said, holding the door for the dark haired man as they exited the room together.

As they climbed into the car, Ryo suddenly recalled that his lover had arranged to see his psychiatrist the evening before and he was curious to know whether they had come up with any solutions to the current hitch in the long and arduous healing process.

"How did it go with Polly last night?" he asked as he took advantage of a gap in the traffic and pulled out of the hospital parking lot.

"Okay," Dee said somewhat vaguely as he stared out of the window at the passing scenery.

Seeing he wasn't going to elaborate, Ryo felt the need to change the subject before the silence became awkward. "So… you liked your present from all the guys?" he said, at a loss for conversation.

"Yeah," Dee said, looking at the bracelet again. "Will you thank everyone for me?"

"Sure," Ryo replied, wondering whether this meant what he thought it did. Eventually his curiosity got the better of him. "So you're not coming back to work just yet then?"

"No."

They lapsed into silence again; Ryo concentrating on the traffic as Dee continued to watch the world go by through the passenger side window. It stayed that way until they reached the apartment, during which time Ryo's anxiety had started to grow. He was certain neither of the presents he had brought was responsible for his lover's change in mood; he'd said he liked them and Ryo had believed him, but something seemed to be troubling the other man and causing his brooding silence.

Over the course of the afternoon, Ryo tried several times to talk to him, but on each occasion he was met by vague or one word answers. With Bicky being at school and then going straight to basketball practice, it meant the silence in the apartment was horrible but Ryo reminded himself of the importance of giving his lover space, hoping that he would talk when he was ready but by the time they sat down for their evening meal, Ryo felt ready to scream, wanting desperately to know the reason for Dee's sudden taciturnity. He was about to ask again calmly, knowing screaming and pleading was quickly becoming a possibility before Dee uttered the words feared by lovers throughout the ages.

"Ryo, we need to talk."

The blond felt his heart lurch as he nodded numbly. Talk? Wasn't that what he'd wanted?

"Sure," he replied with clear trepidation in his voice as he laid down his cutlery and looked straight at Dee.

Dee did the same, pausing to collect his thoughts before he started to speak.

"When Polly came to see me last night, I told her how things had been since I started back at work." He looked away, knowing he was saying things that he hadn't even told his lover. "I've had several panic attacks at the precinct since I've been back, sparked by different things, all beyond my control. The one I had in the elevator that day when there was that fight wasn't the first. That was partly why I got my insulin wrong and I can't risk that happening again. Because of the nature of our job, Polly thinks I need specialist help and she's recommended that I go on a therapy programme, specifically designed for workers in the emergency services with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

He stopped speaking and looked up at Ryo, clearly wanting to know what the other thought of the psychiatrist's suggestion.

Ryo smiled, unable to prevent the sense of relief from flooding through him. "I think it's a fantastic idea, love," he said enthusiastically, reaching across and touching Dee's hand, unsure why his lover had been so reluctant to tell him.

"Only… it's for a month," he said slowly, "and… it's in England."

Ryo's eyes widened as he realised what Dee was saying.

"Polly's checked, and the precinct has agreed to fund me," Dee said, his green eyes trained upon his stunned lover. "I leave on Friday."

"Friday? But that's the day after tomorrow."

"I know. I was a bit shocked too."

Ryo swallowed hard, unable to think of anything he could say that wouldn't sound selfish. In the end, he just nodded, averting his eyes so Dee wouldn't see the tears that threatened.

"If you don't want me to go…" Dee started to say but Ryo shook his head firmly.

"No," he replied, finding his voice at last. "It's just a bit of a shock." He looked across at Dee and offered him a watery smile. "I'll miss you."

Dee returned the smile as he squeezed his lover's hand. "God, Ryo, I'll miss you too… but I don't see how I'll ever be able to get back to work if I don't go."

"I know," Ryo said reassuringly, "And I'd miss you even more if I didn't get to work with you."

"So you don't mind if I go?"

"Of course not," Ryo replied; the words coming out of his mouth completely at odds with his heart. A couple of days ago, things looked as if they'd been about to get back to normal and now suddenly, everything had been turned on its head yet again. "We'd better get thinking about what you need to take if you leave on Friday."

Dee nodded and managed a small smile; relieved that Ryo seemed to understand, even if he didn't particularly like it.

TBC…