It's just like that. A magic trick. Pull the rabbit out of the hat and poof there it is. Maybe it's up your sleeve, you'll never know. I'll never know. I never know. Never ever. I know what I see I can then replay. Always, constantly, back and forever. Just like that. I can watch it over and over until I think I know. But I never know. I guess, create, and hope. I hope with all the might my little body can handle. They just think I'm laconic. Brother thinks I'm scary. What does Brother know, Brother knows nothing but drugs and useless guitar chords. I know everything. And I can see it whenever I want. It's all mine, to clasp to my chest and feel the shiny film between my fingers. I hate the grease that gets on the film. I hate it. I hate. I hope and I hate. I'm so backwards. Brother is forward, straight forward, facing forward, dead straight ahead. Dead. A head. I'm nowhere, I'm not sure. Backwards maybe? Sideways, upside down. Never forward. Never. I'm never. Never ever ever. Best Friends for never ever. It's just like that. Who would of thought? Who would of thought that 25 years of life, 25 of struggle would culminate to this point. Sitting on the floor, a dirty maroon color, and staring into the black endless lens of nothing. At first I think, maybe I just hope that i can see something move. But it doesn't. It just stares back at me with that hard unblinking eye. Judging me. I have this urge to smash it. Nothing judges me, nothing challenges me. Ever. I hold it above my head but something stops me. Brother, I think. Brother thinks I'm mad. But no, it's the camera. It tells me where would I be without it? I'm it's only friend. I'd be no better than brother. I bring it back to eye level and stare into it. It reveals nothing. It will stay for now. Brother would be sad anyway. He likes to be on camera. I hate it. I hate being on camera, I hate the film, I hate the little people who move and laugh as I film them. I hate my failures pasted on the wall. I don't hate Brother. Brother hates me, but I don't hate him. He'll be the subject of my film. Just him, standing there. Forever. For never. Never more.