Little Squirrel Goes "Wheeee!"

I ran around the side of the car and pulled the man out. To my surprise, he slapped me. I slapped him back. He slapped me back. I pulled out the machine gun and shoved it up his nose. He screamed and ran away.

"Another satisfied customer." I decided it would be fun to get my arrest meter up again. I jumped into the car and drove off. I saw a group of Cuban gangsters loitering on a corner. I shot at them through the passenger window. A few of them managed to avoid the bullets. I simply backed up over them. I grabbed their money and continued down the street. I smashed as many cars as I could until my own car caught on fire.

"Not again!" I jumped from the car and ran to the other side of the street. Just my luck, and gang of Haitians was on the other side. I started shooting at them and running from the accident at the same time. A few of the gangsters came after me. The car exploded at the perfect time. Burning body parts flew through the air and rained onto the street.

Laughing hysterically, I ran through the streets just shooting at people, regardless of whether they were gangsters, but I did target the gangsters for weapons. I ran to an old woman and kicked her until she was lying in a puddle of blood. I beat a prostitute with a baseball bat. The prostitutes had the most money.

"Wait a minute." I reached into my infinitely deep pockets and pulled out a chainsaw. I swung it around like Leatherface and ran up the street. A man in a bright Hawaiian shirt walked towards me as if he didn't notice I was on a killing spree. I hacked him up quite nicely.

"Whee!" I sang as I slaughtered every person who came my way. Eventually, I began to hear a guitar in the distance. "What the hell?" I turned off the chainsaw and looked in every direction. The sound of the guitar got closer until I heard someone yell, "Whee!" I nearly dropped the chainsaw onto my foot when I saw the source of the music.

A little brown squirrel was bouncing up and down in the middle of the street. It was playing an acoustic guitar and singing.

"We love the subs!" it sang.

"What?" I asked.

"We love the subs!"

"Huh?"

"Tasty heaven!"

"Excuse me?"

"We are not the Huns!"

"The who?"

"Beware of paper cuts!"

"Why?"

"The joy is in our hearts!"

"Are you preaching at me?"

"Eat Quizno subs!"

"I'll eat whatever the hell I want!"

The squirrel stopped playing. "What?"

"Huh?"

"What did you say?"

"Are you on drugs?"

The squirrel began playing a different song. "Whee!"

"Drugs are bad, mmkay?"

"What if you want to go 'Whee!' but you ain't got drugs yet!"

"You need to stay off that mary ju-anna!"

"Just hang on to your gonads and strife!"

I watched in horror as the little drugged up squirrel sang about gonads and strife and gonads in lightning. I was hypnotized by its rhythmic bouncing up and down and up and down on its nearly invisible little legs.

"Stop singing!" I finally managed to say.

The squirrel began a completely different song. "Ass and titties! Ass and titties!"

"No!" I couldn't take it anymore. I pulled on the string to rev up the chainsaw. I was in a total panic. I had to get rid of that rodent and save what was left of my sanity. Imagine my surprise when another squirrel showed up. This one was red and wore a blue jacket with yellow shoes. There was a crown on his head. A large button with a B appeared in the middle of the street. The red squirrel stepped onto the button. A glowing lightbulb appeared over its head. The red squirrel pulled out some Everclear and a Coke, mixed the two, and drank it. Surprised that it didn't kill him, I took a giant step back from the street as the red squirrel unzipped itself and released a stream of urine onto the singing squirrel.

The singing squirrel instantly stopped singing and turned to the red squirrel. "Hey mother (beep beep)! What the hell do you think you're doing!"

The drunk red squirrel pulled out a glass of seltzer water and drank it. His eyes cleared as he instantly sobered up. He politely walked out of the street, and not a moment too soon. A city bus sped down the street. As it continued down the street, all that was left of the little brown squirrel was his broken guitar.

"Whoa," I said. "That rocked."

"Yeah," the red squirrel said, "just another day in my life."

"Who are you?"

"My name is Conker. Conker the Squirrel."

"Conker? You're on the wrong console. Aren't you supposed to be on the Nintendo 64?"

"I was, but Rare moved to Microsoft. Soon I'll be on the Xbox."

"Either way, you're in the wrong spot. This is a Playstation 2."

"Oh. Thanks." Conker turned and continued walking. A rolling barrel appeared on the sidewalk. Two big white eyes appeared from within the barrel.

"Want a ride?" the barrel asked. "It'll cost $2100." Conker pulled out a wad of money, hopped onto the barrel, and rolled away.

I shook my head. "There's something you don't see everyday."