Epilogue Quickie: Smack My Bitch Up

I hopped into the nearest car the had the least amount of damage and drove off. The sun was setting, and the day was starting to wind down. I quickly became bored. I decided it was time to go home and relax. I drove past McDougal's in the process. It was still on fire.

"Food! I haven't eaten since breakfast!" I decided that McDougal's was a lost cause. I still hadn't found a lawyer to sue them for blowing up with my food inside. It was a better idea to go grocery shopping and fix something at home.

I pulled up to Food Kitty and parked in a handicapped zone. I went inside, grabbed a cart, and ran off into the produce section. I ran all around in hopes of grabbing the best of each food group. My cart was almost full when I realized I didn't have any dessert. I decided on ice cream and pushed my protesting cart towards the dairy section.

Much to my surprise and dismay, there was only one box of moose tracks left. Another woman was holding it and preparing to put it into her cart. "Hey!" I yelled at her. "Those moose tracks are mine!"

The woman held the box of ice cream up. "If you want this ice cream, you'll have to pry it from my cold dead hands."

"Consider it done!" I stepped in front of my grocery cart. To my delight, a new song began to play over the store's intercom. It was Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting by Warr. As the music began, I ran towards the woman and delivered a high kick to her jaw. The box of ice cream flew through the air and landed among the milk.

I threw a punch at the woman. She blocked and punched me in my abdomen. I picked her up and threw her to the floor. I ran for the milk. She grabbed my ankle to trip me. When I stood, I saw her standing with several packs of Jell-O. She threw each pack at me one by one. As each pack flew over me in slow motion, I leaned backwards, flailing my arms as each one flew over me. When the last pack flew past, I stood straight.

"Is that the best you got!" I yelled. I ran towards her and jumped into the air with my arms out to my side. I stopped in mid air, checked my nails, straightened my hair, and kicked out. My foot hit her right in her face. She fell backwards in slow motion. We both hit the floor at the same time. She bounced a few times before getting up.

The woman ran to the meat section and returned with linked sausages. She swung them around like nunchakus. "You have offended me!" she yelled at me.

"Oh yeah. Offend this!" I flipped through the air while screaming, "Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiy!" I landed in front of her with a kick to her head.

She spun around to regain her balance. Her sausages had broken. "That was quite impressive."
"I have many skills." I grabbed one of the sausage links and began swinging it around. We sparred with the sausages. Frozen food was thrown and knocked over in every way imaginable.

Much to our surprise, a little girl arrived in the aisle carrying an armful of Little Debbie snacks.
"Mommy!"

The woman and I stopped fighting and hid the sausages behind our backs. "Hey baby," the woman said. "This is my friend."

The woman looked at me as if asking my name. I said, "Cassandra," but my voice was covered by a loud blaring over the intercom.

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

"Uh, yeah." The little girl placed the boxes into her mother's shopping cart.

"Go look for some apples." The little girl just stood there. Her mother kneeled before her. "I said go get some apples." The little girl looked at me before finally leaving turning to leave. "Shall we continue?" the woman asked.

"I don't care. If you want to stick to your sausage, that's fine by me."

"Whatever, bitch." The woman went to the dairy section to grab another box of ice cream. Suddenly, she turned and threw the ice cream at me. I reacted quickly and threw the sausage at her. It bounced off her head. She fell over unconscious. I gasped when, at that very moment, the little girl returned.

"I was hoping I didn't have to do that in front of you," I said to the girl. "Believe me when I say your mother had it coming. If, in the future, you still feel raw about it, I really don't give a damn." I snatched the bundle of money floating over her body. Then I grabbed the box of moose tracks ice cream from among the milk, placed it into my shopping cart, and walked off.

I went to the counter and patiently waited for my turn to pay. When the cashier finished ringing up my purchase, I said calmly, "I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is, the frozen food aisle needs a serious cleanup. The good news is, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."

I grabbed my food and got the hell out of there. When I got home, I carried each bag into the house one at I time. I jumped when I saw my husband's body still lying on the floor.

"Oh my god! His body!" Then I heard some dramatic Duh Duh Duuuuuuuuh! music play in the background.

I had forgotten about it completely. I had to get rid of it. Thinking quickly, I dragged it into the back yard, piled a bunch of leaves on top, and burned it. I went inside and heard someone knocking at my door. I opened it and was greeted by my annoying next door neighbor.

"Hidie ho!" he said as he waved his hand over his head. The top of his head flopped up and down as he talked. If I slid a piece of paper into his mouth, it would slide straight through his head.

"What do you want?"

"I saw that fire out back. Having a camp out?"

Watching his head flop up and down made me shudder. I wanted to smack him, then thought better of it. "Yeah. Help yourself."

He walked into the house. His wife and all two point three children followed him. One of the children had a peanut stuck in its head. They walked into the yard and sat around making smores. One of the children picked up a younger child and said, "Let's play Kick the Baby."

The baby's head flopped around as it said, "Don't kick the goddamn baby."

"Kick the Baby." The older one kicked the baby straight into the fire. The top half of its head flopped out of the fire and rolled across the yard.

I didn't care. I ran upstairs and flopped onto the bed. I was too tired to even eat that night. The smell of human smoked marshmallows wafted through my window. It was a crappy ending to a crappy day. I don't care what you think. In the immortal words of Mrs. Foley's baby boy, "Have a nice day!"