Chapter 4 – Pink Fluffy Bunnies (a device somewhat overused in attempts to inject so-called humour into parodies by emasculating villainous characters)

Dumbledore banged his spoon on the side of his goblet and a hush fell over the Great Hall.

"I have just received a text message from the Ministry of Magic, informing me that the Immanent Danger is upon us.  Apparently Voldemort has become a mutant, he has stolen the One Ring and hijacked the Interceptor.  But we will worry about that after tea.  Let the Start-of-Fanfic Feast begin – WOOT!"

*Readers are advised to use this opportunity for toilet or snack breaks*

*The Feast has now ended.  If you are still in the bathroom – Tough.  We will have to start without you.*

Professor Snape still had that excruciating migraine resulting from the stressful weekend spent looking after his brother's numerous teenage offspring.  The rate at which the Sheriff of Nottingham could breed baffled the Potions Master.  Issuing from sources ranging from Sherwood Forest peasant women to Maid Marion herself, the Sheriff's daughters had apparently worn out poor Will Scarlett with their insatiable demands, and had been sent on an enforced vacation chez "Uncle Severus".  He still hadn't recovered from that incident at the Middle Earth Zoo, where one of them let all the oliphaunts out…

*

In contrast to her colleague, Professor Minerva McGonagall was chewing her roast beef with the air of a character safe in the knowledge that all she would be required for was to announce the Hogwarts cheerleader tryouts.  The Elf-lord Elrond, who had been watching her out of the corner of his eye during the Feast, nudged her gently with his foot.

"Ms McGonagall, I can see that you have been savouring Hogwarts' famous roast beef, but I challenge you to sample the delights at my home in Rivendell.  I think you'll find the spread we lay on there is far superior."

McGonagall glared at him icily.  "I am inclined to disagree. Hogwarts' roast dinners are renowned in fanfiction lore.  Even the least detailed of fics record the appearance of platters of roast meat and vegetables in front of the Sue and her chosen lust object."

"At the House of Elrond," the aforementioned continued smoothly, "we feast on delicacies far beyond the limited imaginations of Harry Potter authors.  Where Hogwarts serve roast dinners day in day out, the Elves of Rivendell serve dishes such as Crebain of Dunland basted in Ent draught, Watcher in the Water tentacle on a bed of mallorn-leaf, orc-burger drizzled with miruvor, and –" he looked meaningfully at her "-my brother sends in regular shipments of digitally programmed dessert from the Matrix…"

McGonagall sniffed disdainfully, but the twitching of her nose and the strange light in her eyes belied her interest.

*

On Snape's other side, Lucius Malfoy was reading the financial pages of the Daily Prophet.  "According to Gringotts' Bank, the Dollar is up against the Euro."

"I'm not surprised," said Aragorn, who was reading the paper over his shoulder.  "Entering the Dollar was the best thing for Middle-earth and Wizarding America."

Lucius inclined his head. "Wizarding *Britain*."

"er- yes.  Anyway, it has certainly opened up trade between our dimensions.  Pipeweed can now be freely exported from Hobbiton to Hogsmeade.  It has done wonders for the Shire economy."

"I for one am certainly glad we gave up the outdated Galleons and Knuts system and joined with America.  Poor old England, still stuck with the Euro."

"AAAAAAIIIIEEEE!!!!"

The discussion on interdimensional politics was cut short by a piercing shriek coming from the top table.  Martha had leapt up onto Magneto's knee and her shaking finger pointed towards the body of  a dead man.  Boromir of Gondor lay on his back in the middle of the hall, his great Horn cloven in two.

After a pause of one beat, normal conversation resumed.

"Magneto, why is everybody taking no notice?  That poor men has just died!"

"Martha, will you please loosen your arms from about my neck, I am finding it quite hard to breathe."

"But but but but-"

"It is only Boromir, doing his Obligatory Death Scene.  The next day he comes back to life and the whole process begins again.  Even that Horn of his manages to resurrect itself."

"But what is that thing on his chest?"

Magneto twisted in his seat, and sure enough, there was a lurid and hirsute rabbit sat on Boromir's chest, holding a banana-shaped slice of Horn between it's front paws and nibbling it innocently.

"Why I do believe it is a –"

"PINK FLUFFY BUNNY!!"

"Nothin' teh be alarmed abou' Mr Malfoy," Rubeus Hagrid arose and a booming thud accompanied each footstep as he shambled towards the dead body and the offending rabbit. "Just someone trying teh write a "Humorous Parody", that's all, nothing teh be worryin' yeself about."

Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape's eyes bulged in horror as Hagrid stomped over and pulled the fluorescent furry rabbit up by its ears.  "I'll be feedin' this un to the Skrewts. And if there's any more to be found, they'll be eaten by Cap'n Barbossa's monkey.  So yeh can get out from under that table, Master Wormtongue, and get your friend Saruman down from the rafters while yer at it."

Lucius was the first to regain his composure.  He looked over to where Martha was wobbling precariously on her perch in Magneto's lap, and a malicious smirk spread slowly across his face.

"Severus, I'd like a private word with you…"

*

Magneto was in the middle of explaining to Martha the manifestation of Pink Fluffy Bunnies and their subsequent persecution of Slytherins and slaves to the One Ring, how this resulted from limited fanfic writers in their endeavour to cause widespread mirth amongst their readers, and the instructions from the Author to have these creatures serve as Blast Ended Skrewt fodder in an attempt to control the exploding Pink Fluffy Bunny population, when Snape and Malfoy sidled up.

"Mary Sue has been very naughty.  She will be in detention with myself and Mr Lucius Malfoy tonight."

Magneto leaned back in his chair and considered the two wizards with a level gaze.

Malfoy butted in "She will be getting a good spanking."

Magneto still regarded them calmly.  "I think not," he stated smoothly.

Lucius bent over until his face was inches from Magneto's.  "This chapter, we are still in the Harry Potter dimension.  Here, the Potter characters have the upper hand.  We have decreed that Mary Sue shall serve detention and have her bottom smacked."

Magneto acknowledged his defeat.   "OK," he sighed.  "But don't spank her so hard that she squeals.

That is my privilege only…" he added to their departing backs.

*

As Martha trotted along beside Lucius and Snape she thought happily: Maybe this whole Mary Sue thing isn't going to be so bad after all – this is gonna KICK MAJOR BUTT!

Kick major butt??  I thought my Author was a refined English lady…  

*******************************************

I know what you're thinking – but don't worry, there's no way I would let Magneto lose to Snape and Malfoy!  He will get his revenge, and with a little bit of help from Draco… ;)

If you are kind enough to review, I will commission the Hobbits to cook second breakfast for you all next week:)