A/N: NOTE: Please do not be offended by Gandalf's shocking behaviour in this chapter.  Please understand that this is my reaction to the way in which he was portrayed in the ROTK film – a portrayal that I am 100% against.

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Chapter 6 – Barbossa's Request.

Magneto leaned back against the bow of the Black Pearl and laughed heartily.

Snape and Lucius, sensing another opportunity for mischief-making, waited until the object of Magneto's mirth had disappeared round the corner, and strode towards him.

"What on Earth has happened to Gambit?"

"You mean you don't know?" Lucius said slyly.

After a pause, Snape continued.  "Apparently, so the rumours that have been flying around this ship tell me, Mr Lebeau got himself in trouble over a game of cards…"

"Typical!"  hissed Magneto. "Why do so many fanfic writers think I would admit that moron into my Brotherhood?"

"Anyway, he bit off more than he could chew when he took on Cap'n Jack Sparrow…" purred Lucius.  "Cap'n Jack had lured Mary-Sue into his cabin for a late night game of Poker.  Of course being a Pirate, Cap'n Jack cheated, and the forfeit for the loser was to drink a large shot of Rum each time she lost a hand."

"Oh good God, he didn't give her bloody Rum, did he?" 

"Needless to say, Mary-Sue was somewhat inebriated, and Cap'n Jack was about to go in for the kill, when Gumbo showed up.  He challenged the Pirate to a game, and our dear Mary-Sue was the prize.  Gambit charged the cards with his mutant kinetic energy, they exploded in Jack's face, and the thief took the prize as the Cap'n was incapacitated.  As you can imagine, Cap'n Jack was not best pleased.  So in the early hours of this morning he sneaked up behind Gambit and threw him overboard.  And that, Magneto, explains why all his colours have run and his eyes have slipped below his mouth and he appears to be wearing pink tights.   Magneto? Magneto?

Oh dear.  He left before we could mention that fact that Mary-Sue had passed out by the time Gambit came to claim his bounty."

"Or the improbability of the artist having illustrated for Mr Lebeau certain, anatomy…"  added Snape.

*

From his position on top of the main mast Legolas' eyes were strained far into the distance.

"Elf!  What are you doin' up there?"

Legolas looked down to see Cap'n Jack stood at the foot of the mast with his hands on his hips.  They were drawing quite a crowd.

"I'm keeping an eye out for Orc-fish!"

There was a pause.  "Orc-fish."  Jack cocked his head on one side.

"Yes!  The Dark Lord has crossed goblins with clown-fish, and unleashed his terror upon the Caribbean waters!"

Cap'n Jack nudged his First Mate.  "Will, why is your brother so paranoid about ORCS?"

"We must sail closer to the Eastern shore: we are in danger of encroaching into Finding Nemo territory."

"People have written fanfic about Finding Nemo?" Martha squeaked incredulously.

"Apparently there is a quite muscular Australian dentist at one point," answered Magneto dryly.

"But it's a cartoon!  How can people be romantically attracted to a drawing?"

The question hung in the air and several pairs of eyes – including Magneto's – turned to glare at Gambit.

*

Legolas' behaviour grew continuously stranger throughout the day.  Frodo Baggins was aghast to see him sitting with his feet up on a table, smoking a cigarette in one hand and picking his nose with the other.  Legolas saw the Hobbit out of the corner of his eye, and let off a terrific belch.  It was one of those that rumbled up from the pit of his stomach and echoed round the ship, causing the ground to tremble beneath Frodo's feet.

Aragorn appeared behind him.  "Don't mind Legolas, he's just being Out Of Character.  It happens to us all in these fanfics.  He'll be back to normal soon."

"Even Gandalf's at it!" Frodo exclaimed, pointing.  "Look – he's beating up that poor Denethor with his staff."

"No, no, that really is Gandalf. His psychotic violence is a little-known facet of his personality that has laid hidden in the years since the publication of the book and only revealed in the final film.

Oh.  Boromir is back again."

And there was the heir to the Stewardship of Gondor, striding forward to the aid of his father, the blasts from his Horn even louder and more terrifying than Legolas' burp.  Frodo's enormous blue eyes widened even further as Gandalf reached into his robes and pulled out an automatic machine gun and opened fire on Boromir.  Boromir fell overboard, but Gandalf carried on shooting with a manic grin on his face, jumping up and down for good measure.

"Oh my God, he killed Boromir!" cried Pippin.

"You Bastard!"  finished Merry.

*

That evening Martha and Magneto were strolling on deck, when Captain Barbossa sneaked up behind them.

"I request that Princess Mary-Sue dine with me tonight.  Naked."

Martha shrieked and burrowed into Magneto's chest.

"I think the princess is disinclined to acquiesce to the 'naked' clause in your request."  Magneto stated coldly.

"If I want to see the Lady of the Caribbean naked, then I shall.  And there's nothing you can do or say to stop me.  Savvy?"

Magneto smirked.  "Barbossa, you do realise this is a PG-13 fanfic, Savvy?"

Barbossa blinked.  "Well in that case, she can wear Elizabeth's dress."

*

It took two crew members to extract Martha (achieved by using their skeletal hands as crowbars to prise all four of Martha's limbs from around Magneto), and a further six to force Barbossa's monkey into a plastic bib.  However at 8 o clock on the dot, the half Elven half American high school chick mutant pure-blood witch and the Pirate were sat at opposite ends of a huge wooden table laden with rich food.

"Sausage?" Barbossa was leaning over, waggling a Bratwurst under her nose. "G'arn, eat yer fill – What was that?"

Out of the corner of her eye Martha saw a blonde head duck down below the window.  Barbossa kicked the door open and found three little boys in Hogwarts uniform, who, due to only hearing the first part of the earlier conversation, had let their curiosity overcome their fear of detention.  Barbossa cracked his knuckles.  "Arr, yev broken the Pirate's Code comin' 'ere tonight laddies!"

"Ha!  We live by the Gryffindor Code!"  cried Harry, and waggled his fingers in his ears to demonstrate.

"And I live by the Slytherin Code!" said Draco, and he cocked his leg and let off a long, tuneful fart.  The outraged Barbossa threw an apple after him, but he ducked and it hit Ron Weasley square on the nose.

Martha regretted having let the Hobbits talk her into sharing Afternoon Tea with them.  The ship was lurching from side to side and the stench of standard Pirate fare was making her feel sick.

"Beef Jerky, S'mores, Gummie Bears…? Yer know, yeh remind me of  me ex missus.  Or was it me daughter?  No, mebbe it were that harlot from Tortuga…"

"Your daughter, was she very naughty?"  Martha breathed.

Barbossa stroked his chin thoughtfully.  "Aye… she certainly was…"

"Oh yippee!"  Martha squealed.  She swept a platter of Twinkies onto the floor and dived head first onto the table, landing spread-eagled in front of Barbossa.

*

The next morning, Magneto could tell just by looking at her.

Bloody Pirates…

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A/N: Out Of Character – At times I have been accused of not getting characterisation right.  You want to see characters behaving Out Of Character?  I'll give it you!

Gandalf – an exaggerated version of film Gandalf.  My virtual Fart in Peter Jackson's

face.

"Oh My God they killed Boromir!" – fans of South Park will remember this regular exchange between Kyle and Stan.

Standard Pirate fare – various American snack foods that appear in fanfiction.

More Barbossa, Denethor and Gambit to follow.

If you don't review, Magneto will spank your bottom.