A/N: So sorry for the delay! I have been sooo busy! Anyway, I have an extra long chapter for you to make up for it.

One last note, please trust me with Gandalf...

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Chapter 8: Martha's got a Fat Bum

The cast and crew of the Black Pearl had spent the last four weeks doing virtually nothing, save watching out for orc-fish, plugging holes in the ship with stray teddy bears and such-like.  Slowly, life began to creep back into them as the Author Jeanne switched on her computer, and Samwise Gamgee suddenly noticed something was missing from his bag.  He was trembling on the verge of tears.

"My rope!"  he blubbered "My beautiful elven rope!  I've lost it!  If my old Gaffer ever found out, he'd say-"

"Never mind your old Gaffer you blithering half-wit, some miserable little toe-rag has stolen my cane!" Lucius Malfoy hissed angrily.

"That's not all," said the Elf-lord Elrond. "My digitally programmed cake that my brother had sent me has been taken from my room." 

Cap'n Jack hopped round the deck in a fury, his dreadlocks flying "My rum's gone! My rum's gone!  Why has all the rum gone?"

"We do have one known thief on board," Cyclops' clipped tones cut through the commotion.

"Gambit."

All eyes turned to Remy Lebeau.

"Yeah, we don't exactly know yer very well, bub,"  Wolverine had stopped puking for long enough to launch this accusation.

Gambit spread his palms out wide.  "Hey no fair! Remy aint done nothin', Gambit be innocent."

"Quiet please." Cyclops strode importantly into the centre.  "I motion we search the renegade's room," he stated pompously.

"Yeah!" roared Wolverine, agreeing with Cyclops just this once as it meant annoying Gambit.

Just then a flock of owls descended upon them in a mass of flapping wings and hooting.  Each one carried a letter in its beak.  Their leader, a large snowy owl called Hedwig, dropped an important looking letter at Albus Dumbledore's feet and settled on top of Cyclops' head.  The others also flocked to Cyclops, beating their wings in his face as they jostled for position on his shoulders. Scott Summers was furious.

Dumbledore opened his letter and began to read it out loud. 

"It's from Jeanne.

"Dear Fanfiction Characters and Readers,

I would like to offer my sincerest apologies for the delay in bringing you this next installment.  This was due to the two principle characters being temporarily unavailable.  However I am happy to say that I have now located Martha and Magneto, along with Sam Gamgee's elven rope, Mr Malfoy's cane, several empty rum bottles, the remains of a digital  dessert, six empty tubs of chocolate ice cream and the One Ring.  Normal service will resume once the couple have fully recovered."

Needless to say, this did not please the assembled cast.

Cyclops spit out a mouthful of feathers. "You mean to say we've been hanging round on this ship kicking our heels for the past month-"

"My beautiful elven rope, smothered in ice cream!"

"But why's the rum gone?!"

"My Precioussss, covered in nassssty chocolate- Gollum!"

"See, I told y'all, Remy was innocent!  Nobody trusts poor Remy-"

"Precious hatessss chocolate!"

"WILL SOMEBODY GET THESE DAMN BIRDS OF ME!"

*

It was another two days before Martha emerged, bleary eyed, from Magneto's cabin, ice cream and rum congealed in her hair, and she was surprised to see a great many letters from her feminine rivals back at Hogwarts library.

Yo Mary-Sue! You are so cool man, just like Avril Lavigne!  C Ya l8r homegal!  Storm.

Dearest Mary-Sue, may I borrow some of your beautiful clothes?  Please?  Pretty please?  Pretty please with cherries on top?  All my love, Arwen.

Mary-Sue, You're like - the best!   Can I have your autograph? Luv Rogue

Mary-Sue, can I be your best friend?  We can bake cookies together and you can play with my dolls.  From Hermione Granger.

Martha was most puzzled.  There was no way Arwen could wear her clothes (her butt was at least twice as big as that of the Elf-princess), she couldn't even make a cup of tea, let alone bake biscuits, and – who was Avril Lavigne?!

*

Martha, still to exhausted to walk unaided, was lying with her head in Magneto's lap as he popped grapes into her mouth one by one.

The atmosphere of peace and relaxation was shattered by the arrival of Gambit, singing loudly and tunelessly the lyrics to popular rock band Queen.

"Fat bottomed girls, they make the rockin' world go round!" he danced on the balls of his feet, pointing his fingers at Martha in time with the tune.  Martha was horrified.

"Hey big woman, you made a bad boy outta Remy-"

Martha arched her back, thrust her head forward and – phtoo! – sent a grape seed speeding towards Gambit's face.  Still, he was undeterred. "Fat bottomed girls, yeah yeah yeah, fat bottom-" Magneto had removed his hand from under the fat bottom in question, raised it and unleashed his power. Gambit was lifted up into the air, dangling by his steel boots, and he landed in the deep blue ocean with a satisfying Splash.

*

That evening, Martha was sat on deck enduring yet another love poem by Will Turner, when her attention was caught by Gandalf dragging a pair of protesting twin boys by the ears, and booting two small Hobbits along in front.  Gandalf brandished a yellow post-it note with the words 'Kick Me' scrawled on it.

"Which fool of a Took, Brandybuck or Weasley thought it would be funny to stick this on my back?"

Martha saw her chance and seized it. "It was meeeee!" She cried, knocking Will over as she jumped up and waved her arms in the air.

She was unable to suppress a squeak of excitement as Gandalf tilted his head to one side and regarded her with his piercing eyes.  She quivered in anticipation as he advanced slowly towards her.  She nearly swooned as he put both his hands on her shoulders and spun her around.  He began frogmarching her down the deck.

Aww.  He's not gonna do it up here  in full view of the Hobbits.  Damn.

Martha's breath came in quick gasps as Gandalf lead her down into the bowels of the ship.  She could feel his beard tickling the back of her neck.

Oh my gosh!  Where's he taking me?  What wonderful surprises does he have in store for me?  Why didn't I think of this before?

The wizard opened a door to reveal the ship's galley.

The galley... Could be interesting...

Gandalf's eyes ran over Martha's trembling body, her parted lips, her dilated pupils, and he said:

"Princess Mary-Sue, the nature of punishment on board the Black Pearl has changed.  Your discipline has worsened considerably of late, and the current method seems to have had no effect on you whatsoever.  In fact, if I didn't find it so ridiculous, I'd say it was making your behaviour even worse.  So I am trying out a new measure.  See that pile of dirty dishes over there?  I want those to be washed and put away before First Breakfast, which will be served at five thirty am."

Martha was visibly deflated.  There was a veritable mountain of washing up, including the remnants of the Hobbit's meals right from First Breakfast through Supper.  She could have cast herself onto the ground and wept.  Instead she threw the dishcloth at Gandalf.  It missed by a mile, and the wizard departed, saying: "I was going to assign this task to young Master Took, but seeing as it was you rather than he who has blotted their copybook, Miss Page..."

*

Others up on deck who had a rather more rosy view of our Martha, saw the situation quite differently.

"Isn't Mary-Sue so wonderful for selflessly taking the blame for us!" gushed Fred

"I can't believe I am falling for a Slytherin," agreed George.

"Only about the fifth this term!" snorted Fred.

"I'm not as bad as Harry – he snogged at least fifteen before the Sorting Ceremony!"

"Mary-Sue has such a fantastic pair of-"

"-Who stuck that note on Gandalf's back anyway?" Merry asked, cutting the other Hobbit off.

Pippin smiled in his engaging Scottish way and answered in his engaging Scottish accent: "It was me."

A few feet away stood Will Turner.  He did not deign to participate in this communal drooling.  Instead he squinted earnestly out across the ocean, took a deep breath and sighed "Mary... Sue..."  he surreptitiously undid another button on his shirt to enhance the pathos of this little scene.

*

"Brother, why do you persist in taking this line of discipline? It does no good whatsoever, and furthermore, Mary-Sue's bottom has expanded considerably in size since Chapter 7. You can no longer hide behind excuses of Barbossa's twinkies or Denethor's chicken, that was over a month ago."

Magneto hid a smile from his brother. "Martha is rather erm, partial, to chocolate ice cream. However, the reasons behind my methods are two-fold. I have heard such things can disperse the cellulite, and, with perseverance, even reduce the size of a bottom." He again turned his head to hide the lustful smirk that was stealing across his face.

"Magneto, I fear that may be having the opposite effect.  And well you know it..." Gandalf whispered.

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A/N: Can you believe it! Martha is still two-timing! But your faith in me was rewarded, I'd never let that happen to Gandalf.

Reviewers get dinner with all four cute hobbits, non-reviewers get to eat with... Denethor...