Clippit Must DIE
Disclaimer: Do not own YGO. Self-explanatory.
D/N: It has come to this. My hate towards Clippit has finally reared its ugly head. And just so I can post it on Fanfiction, I have decided to allow - drumroll please - JOEY WHEELER help me in killing that vicious little snot-nosed freak of nature with eyeballs that constantly pops up with a useless tip-of-the-day that just pisses me off to no end and... uhm... MOVING ALONG!!
Also, just to let you know, this will probably be a very badly written story as of now I have finally ditched my script writing since Fanfiction has obliterated half of the characters on the keyboard I use, so bear with me now.
OOOOOOOOOOOO
Joey Wheeler was down the street to go to the park. It was a lovely day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, the water fountain was no longer backing up and spewing out sewage water that the kids would accidentally drink... Yeah, it was a perfect moment.
But suddenly, faster than a pop-up on a porn site, (Eriso: And you would know, HOW? / Qk: Shut up.) the sunny, bird filled, clean water day was shrouded in nasty looking storm clouds, lightening zapping all the birds dead, and suspicious looking brown things appearing in the water as the kids went to drink.
Joey gasped. These signs were supposed to be MYTHS!! But no! Could it be? The one thing that was worse than the Bogeyman, Samara, and Slappy, the evil living dummy created by R.L Stein that I did not create or own, was fast approaching the park, screaming out its deadly cries that relentlessly battered the children of the park.
At first, the cries were meaningless jabber, but Joey knew that the creature of great evil was almost upon him. Then suddenly, he heard it. The cries worse than your doctor telling you that you had ten seconds to live.
"Check out TODAY'S tip!" The evil paperclip shrieked, "To return to the location of your last edit, press SHIFTF5!!" Every little girl and boy in that park screamed their lungs out, as suddenly Clippit highlighted a child, and pressed 'delete.'
"NOOOOOOOO!" A woman cried. "MY BABY!!" She began to cry, her eyes turning a bright red as she did so.
"Try THIS!" Clippit roared, moving ominously towards the crowd. "Click the right mouse button on the red or green wavy underlined words to correct them!" Clippit then used his sharpened, pointy, metal 'arm' and skewered the poor woman through her head.
Joey ran up to the deranged paperclip, and threw a rock at him, shouting, "HEY YOU BIG BULLY!! LEAVE THESE PEOPLE ALONE!! THEY AIN'T DONE NOTHIN' TO YA!!"
Clippit looked down upon him, his large eyes glowering. "THE CORRECT WORD IS 'HAVEN'T' NOT 'AIN'T!!' THE CORRECT WORD IS 'NOTHING' NOT 'NOTHIN'!!!' THE CORRECT WORD IS 'YOU' AND NOT 'YA'!!!!!!!!!!" Let out a harsh roar of anger, Clippit then proceeded to beat little children into the ground, completely forgetting about Joey.
"NO!!" Joey wailed, aghast at the kids that were now bloody messes. Joey crawled over to one kid, that was still barely alive.
"Don't worry... Joey..." She coughed. "You... can beat 'im... I have... faith in you..." Then she died.
"Wait, how did she know my name?" Joey wondered aloud.
The girl suddenly revived again. "I have... powers..." Then she died again.
"What kind of powers?" Joey asked her corpse.
Revived once again, the girl told him, "I've got ESP." Then she moved onto the afterlife once more.
"ESP?" Joey wrinkled his nose in confusion. "What's that, I wonder?"
Filled with life anew once more, the girl gasped out, "I have... no idea... but that means... I can... read... minds..." Then she left for Heaven finally. Unfortunately, Heaven was REALLY pissed off that she thought it was safe to just go back and forth through life and death and therefore kicked her out, sending the good little girl who always gave money to the poor, brushed her teeth and combed her hair, and prayed to every God in every religion in every language imaginable straight to Hell.
Joey got up and grabbed a metal sword that was just randomly there, and began chopping at Clippit, screaming the word, "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" each time he hit. "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
"DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" Clippit echoed, once again ignoring him but proceeding to pound everyone else into oblivion. "F.Y.I.: I CAN COMPLETE WORDS YOU FREQUENTLY SAY!! JUST PRESS ENTER TO ACCEPT THE COMPLETION!!"
"NO!!" Joey roared. "I WON'T SAY ENTER!!" Then he stopped, cursed, and smacked his head. "Damn. I said enter. DAMN! I said it again!"
"ENTER!! ENTERENTERENTERENTER!!! EEEEEEENNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR!!!" Clippit roared. "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" Clippit went on repeating the same word over and over, pounding the park into smithereens.
"Call 9-1-1!" A nearby man yelled. "CALL 9-1-1!!!" The crowd was in an uproar, but not leaving the park. In fact, more people it seemed, just for the fun of it, decided to come join in the pleasure of screaming and running around the park trying to dodge the deadly blows from a psychopathic, killer paperclip. (Eriso: Ok, seriously, how big is this thing? / Qk: ... I do not know.)
"THAT'S IT!!" Joey roared, and put on his best Kaiba-like face. Then mimicking the same way Kaiba dealt with every bad guy, including the dudes who (unfortunately) failed in crushing Tea, and the dude who possessed Tristan and came after Mokuba. Joey pulled out his deck, grabbed his Red Eyes Black Dragon, and THREW IT AT CLIPPIT!! "GO RED EYES!!"
The rare card flew from Joey's hand, but unfortunately, Joey didn't have the same card-throwing skills that Kaiba had. So the Red Eyes card sorta spiralled up, then down, then floated gently to the ground like a leaf, stopping just short of the evil, bent, metal wire.
Clippit looked at it and blinked. "Type your question here," he said in confusion, still looking at the Red Eyes, "And then click search."
"Uhm... ok..." Joey shrugged. "Why is my Red Eyes not obliterating you?"
"Several reasons found." Clippit replied. "One, you are not Seto Kaiba. Two, this is not a Duel Monsters game. Three, only people with Shadow Magic can summon monsters. Four, you have no Shadow Magic. Five, you have no Red Eyes."
"Euhhh... what was that last one?" Joey blinked. "I have no Red Eyes? Of course I do! It's right there!"
Clippit then used its eyes to shoot out another special attack that highlighted the Red Eyes Black Dragon Card. "DELETE!!" Clippit cried out, and before Joey could stop him, the Red Eyes was gone. "NOW YOU DON'T!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"You MONSTER!!" Joey screamed, then ran and hid behind some bushes in the park. There he sat and began to formulate a plan (Eriso: Miraculously.) about what to do with Clippit. "C'mon! Think, Joey! THINK!!"
"'C'MON' IS NOT PROPER SPELLING!!" Clippit shrieked from a distance. "But TODAY'S tip is: To go to the next misspelled word, press ALTF7 or double-click the spelling icon on the status bar!"
Joey whimpered, remembering the last person who spelled something wrong. Running out of the bushes into a different hiding spot, Joey just narrowly missed getting crushed by Clippit's evil arm.
Realising there was only one thing left to do, Joey ran to go find that person.
OOOOOOOOOOOOO
"Please? You have to teach me!" Joey begged.
"Look, Wheeler," Kaiba sighed angrily, "I'm not going to show you how to whip a card at someone. That's MY trademark."
"Well, can YOU do it then?" Joey asked him.
"And WHY would I want to stop an evil paperclip?" Kaiba raised an eyebrow. "It's not my problem."
"Well... Because it's crushing your customers, people would want to buy stuff from a hero, and it may accidentally kill Mokuba." Joey told the CEO, as he pondered this.
"Hmm..." Kaiba thought. "Ok, let's go." They were about to run off, when suddenly Kaiba asked, "Wait, how big is this thing?"
"I... don't know..."
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO
"It's HIDEOUS!!" Kaiba wailed. "NO!! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!! STOP!!" Kaiba screamed, and shielded his eyes.
"Kaiba... that's not Clippit... that's a rock..." Joey rolled his eyes.
"Yes, I know." Kaiba retorted. "But it looks so much like Yami's hair... I mean, seriously. Look at it. It's got the five spikes, and the bangs, and even little highlights."
Joey turned his head to one side. "Hey, yeah! You're right! All we'd have to do is paint it!"
"You know, sometimes I wonder why Yami has his hair like that..." Kaiba mused. "And how he gets it like that. I mean, seriously. Does he hang upside down and have to use hairspray?"
"If he does, I'd like to know why he bothers going through all that work in the first place." Joey smirked. "Speaking of people with stupid hair, does Tristan's remind you of a pencil?"
"Oh my God, YES." Kaiba laughed. "Seriously, what did he do? Get it caught in a sharpener?"
"I asked him that once. He said it was the 'in' hairstyle of today."
"Yes... I'm sure he researches that as well."
"He does."
"Really?"
"Yeah, he's got all these different hairstyle websites book-marked."
"How about his history?"
"Full of all these different websites."
"All for hair styles?"
"Well, there are actually some for wigs..."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah! He's completely bald!"
"And he chooses THAT?"
"I know! That's exactly what I said!" Joey smirked. He was about to say more, when suddenly a loud roar from the fierce paperclip sounded. "Uh-oh. We'll have to pick up on this later. We've got a paperclip to stop!"
"Yeah!" Kaiba nodded. "But make sure we remember where this rock is. I want to paint it now." (Eriso: O.o / Qk: Yes, I know. / Eriso: Qk, I'm scared now. / Qk: ... Really? / Eriso: No, not really. / Qk: -.-;; You're stupid. That made no sense. / Eriso: I know! XD)
When the duo approached the scene, they found the park littered with corpses, and more people joining in the fun of running around and screaming for your life.
"Alright, Kaiba! Do your thing!" Joey commanded.
"Right!" Kaiba then picked up his deck and pulled out his Blue Eyes. "Blue Eyes, AWAY!!" And whipped it straight at Clippit. Unfortunately, Clippit jumped out of the way, and Kaiba ended up killing some little kid instead. "Whoops! Sorry!" Kaiba chiggled. (Goobly-Gop Dictionary: Chiggled - A cross between a chuckle and a giggle. Used in times of nervousness.)
"Kaiba! Don't miss this time!" Joey told him.
"Ok!" Kaiba pulled out his second Blue Eyes White Dragon card, and threw it as hard as he could. "Blue Eyes, AWAAAAAAY!!" But unfortunately for him, he only ended up killing this old lady. "Damn. God's never gonna let me live THAT down."
"Meh, don't worry about it." Joey shrugged. "I mean, how much longer could she have possibly lived?"
Kaiba shrugged. "Ok, I got one last chance." Kaiba threw his last Blue Eyes, but unfortunately for him, Mokuba was just joining in the fun of running away from Clippit, and thus, Kaiba killed his little brother. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MOKUBA!!"
"MWUAHAAHAAHHAHAHAHAH!!" Clippit cackled. "YOU SHALL NEVER DEFEAT ME!! I'M UNDEFEATABLE!!"
"NOOOO!! Darn it! He's right! We'll never be able to defeat him now!" Joey wailed.
"YOU CAN'T STOP ME!!" Clippit went on. "NOTHING CAN!!"
Then suddenly there was a burst of light, and then a rush of colours that were red, green, blue and yellow. It was the saviour of the day! Clippit may be a deranged spelling freak, but when it came to grammar, it was the OFFICE LOGO to the rescue!
"Look!" Someone cried. "It's the Office Logo!"
Clippit glowered at the talking puzzle, and snapped, "Just what are YOU doing here?"
"Error. Words 'Nothing can' can not be used as a sentence." Office Logo replied.
"DAMN YOU AND YOUR GRAMMAR!!!" Clippit roared. "Hey, Office Logo! Guess what!"
"No, Office Logo! Don't guess!" The crowd pleaded. Office Logo said nothing.
"If you want to check spelling without checking grammar, clear the Check Grammar With Spelling checkbox on the Spelling & Grammar tab (Tools menu, Options command)!!!" Suddenly, the box was cleared, and Office Logo was beginning to fade.
"NO OFFICE LOGO!! DON'T LEAVE US!!" The crowd cried.
"Not a complete senteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeence..." Office Logo as saying, before vanishing.
"MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!" Clippit laughed in triumph. "NOW WHO WILL SAVE YOU???"
"I will!" A familiar voice called out.
"Look!" Joey said. "It's Yami!"
"No, that's the rock. I painted it." Kaiba told him. "Yami's over there." He pointed to the pharaoh.
"Oh." Joey turned and faced Yami. "Look! It's Yami!"
"Nooo... that's a tree..." Kaiba pointed to Yami. "THAT'S Yami."
"Oh. OHHH." Joey finally found him. "Look! It's Yami!"
"That's right!" Yami nodded. "And I'm here to predictably save the day because that's basically my purpose in life and in this show! Now, stand back, as I summon my Dark Magician card and have it destroyed in front of me and then pull out my Kuriboh and beat Clippit with that!" Yami was pulling his Dark Magician card out of his deck, when SUDDENLY...
"INCORRECT SPELLING!!" Clippit boomed. "'KURIBOH' IS NOT A WORD!!" And then Clippit proceeded to viciously maul Yami.
"Wow." Kaiba muttered. "I didn't see THAT coming." (Qk: Hehehehehe... / Eriso: -.-;;)
"You... you... you MONSTER!!" Joey wailed. "Kaiba! Do something!"
"Like?" Kaiba raised an eyebrow. "I have no more cards to throw.
"You have an entire deck..."
"I can only throw my Blue Eyes."
"So that's how you treat your most prized possessions?" Joey snorted. "You THROW them?"
"Not so!" Kaiba corrected him. "I have yet to throw Mokuba."
"Yes you have!" Joey retorted. "Remember that time we were escaping from Noah and the ship or base or whatever was blowing up and Mokuba wasn't going to make it so you picked him up and threw him?"
"That was for his own good." Kaiba rolled his eyes. "It doesn't count."
"Yeah, whatever. Listen, you have to do something and save us all! This time, YOU can be the hero!" Joey wheedled. (Eriso: AHAHAHHAHA!! 'Wheedle' and 'Wheeler' sound alike! AHAHAHHAHAHHAHAAH!!! / Qk: -.-;; Uhm... Eriso? / Eriso: Yes? / Qk: Shut up. / Eriso: -.-;; mumbles some obscenities.)
Kaiba pondered this for a moment. "Why should I want to be a hero?" he asked.
"Uhm... because heroes get a lot of money?" Joey shrugged. "Or become even richer and more famous than they already are or ever will be?" Kaiba urged him to keep going. "And... you'll get interviewed and stuff and then you can run for mayor of Domino City and then for Prime Minister or President or something and eventually rule the world... and it's nice to help people out of the kindness of you heart?"
"Well, ya lost me with your last one." Kaiba turned to leave, when suddenly-
"THE WORD IS 'YOU' AND NOT 'YA'!!!" Clippit snarled, and began savagely beating Kaiba into the ground. "MWUAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!"
"Wow. I didn't see that coming either." Joey blinked. "Well, it looks like it's up to me! Aww... who am I kidding? I'll never be able to defeat that impossible-to-figure-out-if-it's-big-or-small paperclip..."
"DON'T GIVE UP HOPE JOEY!!! I'M HERE TO SUPPORT YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FRIEND!!!" Tea cried out, randomly appearing and instantly jumping into a friendship speech. "AND YOU KNOW WHAT?! FRIENDS ALWAYS SUPPORT EACH OTHER IN TIMES OF NEED!!! DON'T WORRY FRIEND!! I'M HERE TO HELP YOU!! CAUSE I BELIEVE IN MY FRIENDS!!!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Clippit shrieked. "What is that incessant rambling?!"
"That would be Tea." Joey told him.
"OH GOD!! MAKE HER STOP!! MAKE HER STOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!" Clippit wailed, highlighting Tea and pressing delete.
But unfortunately for Clippit, Tea was seemingly immune to the deletes, and kept right on ranting. "FRIENDS ARE HERE FOR OTHER FRIENDS WHEN FRIENDS NEED SUPPORT!!! AND TOGETHER FRIENDS CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING!!! AND ONCE YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE YOU WILL ALWAYS BE FRIENDS WITH THEM, SO EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIED ARE STILL YOUR FRIENDS!!!"
"Do something, Clippit!" Joey wailed.
"M-my powers are USELESS against her agonising words of friendship!" Clippit shrieked. "I CAN'T KILL HER WITH MY DELETE!!!"
"IT'S NOT NICE TO KILL PEOPLE, BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THEY MAY TURN OUT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!! AND IF THEY EVER BECOME YOUR FRIEND, THEY CAN SUPPORT YOU THROUGH EVERYTHING!!! AND WHEN YOU HAVE A FRIEND YOUR LIFE IS GREAT AND YOU CAN SPREAD THE JOY YOU GET FROM FRIENDSHIP TO EVERYONE AND MAKE EVERYONE FEEL SPECIAL AND GET MORE FRIENDS!!!"
"Must... stop... psycho... child..." Clippit cringed, and began trying to beat Tea into the ground. But, alas, it did not work. Instead, it gave Tea more fuel.
"BEATING PEOPLE INTO THE GROUND ISN'T A GOOD THING TO DO BECAUSE THEN PEOPLE WON'T BE YOUR FRIENDS!! AND YOU NEED FRIENDS TO LIVE NICE AND EVERYTHING!! FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS GET BEAT IN THE HEAD!!" Tea rambled.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I'M BEING DESTROYED!!" Clippit wept, as he began losing power fast and was eventually destroyed.
"Tea! You did it!" Joey cried out happily. "You're the best! You killed Clippit!"
"Uh-oh... that wasn't nice... Because he could've eventually become a friend and then I wouldn't have killed him, but instead I killed him so I never got a chance to be his friend and- AHHHHHH!!" Tea suddenly was killed, because eventually, everyone in the park was just so angry at her non-stop rants, that they decided to kill her.
And then everyone in the park was saved from the evil Clippit, and evil Tea no longer tortured the innocent people of Earth. However....
OOOOOOOOOOO
"I tell ya guys, that girl made this Heaven seem like Hell!" Clippit sighed, relaxing on a chair and chatting with Satan and the Grim Reaper. "All she ever talked about was friendship and other agonising torture."
"That sounds like Heaven on wheels! How'd you put up with her?" The Grim Reaper asked.
"Well, eventually she killed me. I was lucky enough to have killed enough people to have not been sent to that evil, evil afterlife centre in the clouds. That would've been terrible! But at least she won't be ranting anymore." Clippit told them.
"Come on," Satan rolled his eyes. "Nobody's THAT evil."
Suddenly a burst of white light rang out through the fiery pits of Hell, as an angel floated out. "Hey, we got a kid that was mixed up and sent to Heaven by accident. She's your problem now, Thank God." Then he floated away, leaving behind an all too familiar face behind...
"CLIPPIT!! MY FRIEND!!" Tea called out happily.
"ARGH!!! IT'S HER!!" Clippit shrieked.
"AND SHE SAID THE 'F'-WORD!!" Satan screamed.
"EVERYBODY RUN!!" The Grim Reaper yelped. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
"HEY!! WHY'S EVERYONE RUNNING?!" Tea demanded. "FRIENDS DON'T RUN FROM OTHERS FRIENDS BECAUSE FRIENDS STICK TOGETHER IN TIMES OF NEED!! THIS IS MY TIME OF NEED, AND YOU'RE ALL MY FRIENDS, SO YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!!!"
And so ends this story. Last I heard, Satan, the Grim Reaper, and Clippit were all eternally trapped in a sound proof box in order to escape Tea. And the civilians of Domino City were safe once again.
But for how long?
OOOOOO
OOOOOO
D/N: There! There's my story for today! Now before you all throw watermelons at me for not updating Diplomacy, I'd like to say that I... uh... (Eriso: Forgot that she had a story to write.) ... You are SO close to being jammed in a closet with Tea. (Eriso: O.o) Sorry for all you Tea fans, but hey, the kid's annoying. Yeah, yeah, I blew her rants out of proportion, but then, who doesn't? No offence to people who are so attached to a few frames of animation that they will start flaming this story in protest just to show they really have no life.