The Department of Mysteries – Part Two of Five
Rating/Warnings: PG, Fifth Book Spoilers, Plot Changes, Yaoi
A/N: The second part of the previous chapter, so I suggest that you read the other one. Enjoy.
Sirius lay back on nothing, staring up into nothing, having said nothing for the last...who knows how long... "So." He finally said, his words drifting almost lazily from his mouth. "I've been thinking."
Remus had been reading a novel, but he paused in his reading to look over at his friend and lover. "I'll alert the press." He said with a smile.
Sirius tossed him an impish smile, letting the comment pass. "I've been floating here, freezing on the inside, not knowing what's going to happen, and I've realized something..."
"And what's that?" Remus asked.
Sirius sat up, expression thoughtful. "You aren't real."
Remus only stared at him. "Really...I thought you might have realized that a lot sooner..."
Sirius shook his head, getting to his feet to pace. "I did, but it just hit me. This is like talking to myself, isn't it?"
The book that the shade had been holding dissolved away as he set it down. "I guess you could say that."
"So you're my conscience?"
"Or a delusion."
Sirius nodded. "Yeah, so, whichever you are –if not both –I'm going to keep talking to you." There was a pause. "I'm glad you're here, even if you're not real."
"I love—"The fake marauder stopped. "He loves you, you know."
"I know." Sirius ran a hand through his hair. "And I can't even..."
"Can't even-?" Remus prompted.
As if he were a balloon slowly deflating, Sirius sighed heavily. "I can't even see him again."
Remus moved to stand in front of him, peering into a saddened face. "How do you know that? Who says you won't see anyone again." Sirius raised an eyebrow, gesturing to the dark void around them. "Well," Remus said, "You shouldn't just give up."
Sirius turned away from him, wishing there was somewhere that he could curl up and just sleep. The darkness didn't want him – or didn't let him – rest. "Is this really my guilt?" He asked, after a moment. "Am I swimming in my guilt?"
"I wouldn't say 'swimming,' but I think this place reflects your inner mind."
Sirius flopped backwards, unnerved that there felt like there was a floor under his back. "My inner mind is guilty?"
Remus shrugged. "Deep down, maybe... What about James and Lily? Harry? Remus?" His head tilted. "Even Peter?"
Sirius wanted to say that he didn't feel guilty about what happened to Peter, but he did. He felt guilty that he had let him go. He felt guilty that the squirming little runt was probably with the Dark Lord, plotting Harry's demise. That was what he was guilty about. Nothing more.
Sirius was silent.